Funeral

I think I am starting to accept my death.
When I was in my teens and all through out adulthood, the thought of death has always terrified me.




Funeral background music:
- Aerith's Theme - Piano https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVvRJN2jwC0
- Kodaline - All I want

Remedy - Adele [25]

Remedy by Adele

I remember all of the things that I thought I wanted to be

So desperate to find a way out of my world and finally breathe

Right before my eyes I saw, my heart it came to life

This ain't easy it's not meant to be

Every story has its scars

When the pain cuts you deep

When the night keeps you from sleeping

Just look and you will see

That I will be your remedy

When the world seems so cruel

And your heart makes you feel like a fool

I promise you will see

That I will be, I will be your remedy

No river is too wide or too deep for me to swim to you

Come whenever I'll be the shelter that won't let the rain come through

Your love, it is my truth

And I will always love you

Love you

When the pain cuts you deep

When the night keeps you from sleeping

Just look and you will see

I will be, I will be

When the world seems so cruel

And your heart makes you feel like a fool

I promise you will see

That I will be, I will be, I will be

Your remedy, oh

------------------------------------------------

So... I took the plunge and booked the plane ticket! 

Eeeeek!

Had an emotional roller coaster of a week almost a fortnight ago.

I hope we are now on the same page.

It was excruciatingly hard hearing him utter words that broke my heart.

Maybe it was exhaustion from work, maybe it was hormonal emotions, maybe it was just him putting her before me...

As hard as I tried, I couldn't stop myself from crying.

It was the first time I cried in front of him whilst video chatting.

I saw the exhaustion on his face, his eyelids struggling to stay open, so I muffled my cries and bid him goodnight.

That night I poured my heart out to him, long messages baring my soul.

His response was, in hindsight, his typical response not rushing to make a decision or commit to a promise he can't keep.

Oh, I was so hurt and barely kept up the pretense I was fine at work.

I am sorry for putting you in that position but what you were doing was not fair to two woman.

Hun, I need you to pick me, no matter what, no matter when...

You cannot be there for both her and I.

I cannot stand by you if you are putting her before me.

Right now it will be hard for you, your perspective will change and I hope you will come around.

As much as I feel for her circumstances, I will not forsake our future and happiness above hers.

To me she will become you past and a part of your life I wish to have no part in.

I am giving you all of me, and I wish the same back from you.

My friend said I am independent and low maintenance, however I am extremely emotionally needy.

I agree with him.

My friend raised the point: "To him you are good to have, but nothing really lost for him if you aren't there as well."

As much as I wish to disagree with him, there is truth behind his words for you have expressed similarly so in the past.

I know you have been burnt and so am skeptical and prepared for the worst.

However, I was so surprised to learn you cried the day after I messaged you.

You are not someone who easily shed a tear and have not done so in many years.

I do not know how much of it was caused by the pain of the possibility of us separating...

I wish from the bottom of my heart that we never get to say goodbye for good... Ever...

It was a tough decision for you but a must.

A clear distinction need to be made between the past, present and future.

I am your present and hope to be your future.

The moment you said you choose me I physically felt a sense of relief.

There was a part of me that doubted whether you would or not...

Your actions and decisions just made me feel like I was not a priority in your life...

Have to remind myself that you are not used to thinking in "we" and just dealing with issues on your own, it's not me, it's you and will take time to adjust.

You have been stressed with work and the uncertainties that lie ahead.

Hope there was something I could do to help.

You deal with things differently and I respect that.

A part of me still wish that you'd open up and talk to me...

Let me in...

I am here for you Hun.

I will be your remedy.

~ 12.03.17 ~

When you are with someone, BE there with them 100% instead of fucking them around and wasting their time.

Practice what you preach.
I can't be fucked arguing.

All I have to say.

~ 6.3.17 ~