Mercy - Shawn Mendez

Anxiety has become more than an acquaintance.

It used to be a familiar stranger that came and went, but now it seemed to have taken up permanent residence in my every day life.

It's uninvited flatmates include insecurity, abandonment issues and depression.

Together these new residents have expended the communal resources of energy, time, emotional and mental capacity, the building has started to show cracks in its foundation and walls. 

Logic has tried to initiate some remedial work to try plaster over the cracks with distractions and medication, however this only serves as a temporary bandage as the cracks underneath continues to increase and widen. 

Wishful thinking and Hope have been trying to shine some positivity into the building.

However pessimism has put up black out blinds throughout the whole building to prevent the rays of positivity from coming in.

Love the repair man has gone on leave, it is unclear if he has handed in his resignation or required extended sick leave workout a confirmed return date.

Mercy - Shawn Mendez

You've got a hold of me

Don't even know your power

I stand a hundred feet

But I fall when I'm around ya

Show me an open door

Then you go and slam it on me

I can't take anymore

I'm saying, baby

Please have mercy on me

Take it easy on my heart

Even though you don't mean to hurt me

You keep tearing me apart

Would you please have mercy, mercy on my heart?

Would you please have mercy, mercy on my heart?

I'd drive through the night

Just to be near you, baby

Heart open, testify

Tell me that I'm not crazy

I'm not asking for a lot

Just that you're honest with me

My pride is all I got

I'm saying, baby

Please have mercy on me

Take it easy on my heart

Even though you don't mean to hurt me

You keep tearing me apart

Would you please have mercy on me

I'm a puppet on your strings

And even though you got good intentions

I need you to set me free

Would you please have mercy, mercy on my heart?

Would you please have mercy, mercy on my heart?

Consuming all the air inside my lungs

Ripping all the skin from off my bones

I'm prepared to sacrifice my life

I would gladly do it twice

Consuming all the air inside my lungs

Ripping all the skin from off my bones

I'm prepared to sacrifice my life

I would gladly do it twice

Oh, please have mercy on me

Take it easy on my heart

Even though you don't mean to hurt me

You keep tearing me apart

Would you please have mercy on me?

I'm a puppet on your string

And even though you got good intentions

I need you to set me free

I'm begging you for mercy, mercy

I'm begging you, begging you, please, baby

I'm begging you for mercy, mercy

Ooh, I'm begging you, I'm begging you, yeah

最遠的距離 - The longest distance

最遠的距離是你明明在我身邊但你的心卻離我遙遠.

理智跟朋友們都在說我"值得被更好的對待",我卻傻傻的期望著你的心能"回心轉意"...

我不願意承認你離我越來越遠,我在自欺欺人嗎?...

我的心也漸漸的碎,我有勇氣跟力氣去拼湊回原本的樣子嗎?...

你我的差距越來越多.

我們的價值觀,愛情觀等等差好多.

我不想也不會強制逼迫你接受我的價值觀.

在我認知裡基本的觀念卻 一一被你否決.

我不知道我能否適應/接受你的觀點以及看法.

什麼會是壓倒駱駝的最後一根稻草?...

你問過我: 若我不能相信你的話,那我為何還和你在一起.

這真是個好問題...

是固執,執迷不悟嗎?

是愛嗎?

是傻嗎?

我沒有答案.

陶晶瑩 - 太委屈

當她橫刀奪愛的時候
你忘了所有的誓言
她揚起愛情勝利的旗幟
你要我選擇繼續愛你的方式

你曾經說要保護我
只給我溫柔沒挫折
可是現在你總是對我迴避
不再為我有心事而著急

人說戀愛就像放風箏
如果太計較就有悔恨
只是你們都忘了告訴我
放縱的愛也會讓天空劃滿傷痕

太委屈
連分手也是讓我最後得到消息
不哭泣
因為我對情對愛
全都不曾虧欠你
太委屈
還愛著你
你卻把別人擁在懷裡
不能再這樣下去
穿過愛的暴風雨
寧願清醒忍痛地放棄你
也不在愛的夢中委屈自己


你曾經說要保護我
只給我溫柔沒挫折
可是現在你總是對我迴避
不再為我有心事而著急
人說戀愛就像放風箏
如果太計較就有悔恨
只是你們都忘了告訴我
放縱的愛也會讓天空劃滿傷痕

太委屈
連分手也是讓我最後得到消息
不哭泣
因為我對情對愛
全都不曾虧欠你
太委屈 哦～
還愛著你
你卻把別人擁在懷裡
不能再這樣下去
穿過愛的暴風雨
寧願清醒忍痛地放棄你

太委屈
連分手也是讓我最後得到消息
不哭泣
因為我對情對愛
全都不曾虧欠你
太委屈 哦～
還愛著你
你卻把別人擁在懷裡
不能再這樣下去
穿過愛的暴風雨
寧願清醒忍痛地放棄你
也不在愛的夢中委屈自己

Trouble - Coldplay

Trouble by Coldplay

Oh no I see 

A spider web it's tangled up with me
And I lost my head 
And thought of all the stupid things I said 

Oh no what's this 
A spider web and I'm caught in the middle 
So I turned to run 
The thought of all the stupid things I've done 

And I never meant to cause you trouble 
And I never meant to do you wrong 
And ah well if I ever caused you trouble 
Oh no I never meant to do you harm 

Oh no I see 
A spider web and it's me in the middle 
So I twist and turn 
Here am I in my little bubble

Singing out
I never meant to cause you trouble 
And I never meant to do you wrong 
And ah well if I ever caused you trouble 
And oh no I never meant to do you harm 

They spun a web for me 
They spun a web for me 
They spun a web for me

-------------------------------------

不經意地聽到這首歌, 靜下心來聽歌詞, 腦還浮出一些回憶同時想著 if I acted differently, what would my life and relationships be like now? 

現在的我一方面希望能知足安逸現狀卻同時也希望自己能積極點追求一些事物.

我希望自己能珍惜每一天,每 位身邊的人, 擁有的一切並且開開心心的面對每一天.

~ 09.05.2019 ~

I am sorry dad

I have been reflecting and thinking of everything that has happened to me in the past. I realise how terrible I have been as a daughter. I picked my ex over my own father who has sacrificed so much for me and been there for me. I can't believe how ignorant and naive I was. How selfish and how horrible I was to my father. I broke his heart so many times. Despite the wrongs he has done, it still didn't justify the way I treated him. He deserved a better daughter than me. I am sorry dad.

Without realising, I brought the veges he used to buy and cook for me. Eating the dish I was reminded of how hard it would have been raising a child and doing everything in his power to provide and give up everything he has ever wanted or dreamed of just so he could take care of me. I threw all of that in his face. I picked a guy who ended up hurting me, hurt my family, hurt my father and drove a wedge between him and I. I was so immature, clouded by my emotions and fantasies of what I thought I wanted. I believe in a guy who may have loved me, but loved himself more. I forgot that the only person in this world that would put me above themselves was my parents. Was my dad. The dad I was stupidly ashamed of for the wrong reason. The only person that should be ashamed is me. For the way I behaved, for the bad decisions I made, for the hurtful things I've said to my dad.

I will build up the courage to face the past. I owe it to my dad. I owe it to my mum. To admit my wrongs and try to make amends. To do it before it's too late. I realise now, what love is. Love is not what my ex and I had. What I had with him was not a true relationship. I relied on him to make decisions for me, all the hard decisions that I should have stepped up and made the call myself. I was just as much to blame, if not more to blame. I allowed my ex to believe his attitude and behaviour towards my dad was acceptable. I allowed my ex to disrespect my own father. Love is being supportive, like H is being with me. He does not make my decisions for me. It is up to me, he respects my decisions. 

I hope he is proud of me. Of what I have achieved in life. This new role I'm most likely getting is such a pivotal point in my career. I really appreciate being recognised at work for all the effort I put in. That people realise I am dedicated and capable. If it weren't for the sacrifices of my parents, I would not be where I am today.

My ex is not evil. I'm not writing this to say I regret ever being in a relationship with him. We were just too young and immature. I just wish I handled my relationship with my parents better, it's too late now, the damage has been done. All I can do now is hope my parents are able to move on from the past and be happy. I am thankful that I have H's support and he will be here soon. 

I hope we can be happy together and make the most of the life by doing right to those who love and care about us. 

It starts with having this internal conversation with myself.

It starts with apologising to those I have wronged.

I hope to become a more considerate, caring and loving person. 

I hope my friends and family find true happiness.

I hope I find my inner peace and happiness.

爸爸 對不起 以前我不懂得體貼您 一再的誤會您和傷您的心

希望您在遠方能好好照顧自己 做您想做的事情 開開心心過每一天.

謝謝您為了我做的所有犧牲,感謝您用您的方式愛我.

- 13.12.2018

Everything - Lifehouse

Everything by Lifehouse

Boyce Avenue cover: 

Find me here, 

And speak to me. 

I want to feel you, 

I need to hear you. 

You are the light, 

That's leading me, 

To the place, 

Where I find peace again. 

You are the strength, 

That keeps me walking. 

You are the hope, 

That keeps me trusting. 

You are the light,

To my soul.

You are my purpose, 

You're everything. 

How can I stand here with you, 

And not be moved by you? 

Would you tell me, 

How could it be, 

Any better than this? 

You calm the storms, 

And you give me rest. 

You hold me in your hands, 

You won't let me fall. 

You steal my heart, 

And you take my breath away. 

Would you take me in, 

Take me deeper now. 

And how can I stand here with you, 

And not be moved by you? 

Would you tell me, 

How could it be, 

Any better than this? 

And how can I stand here with you, 

And not be moved by you? 

Would you tell me, 

How could it be, 

Any better than this? 

Cause you're all I want, 

You're all I need, 

You're everything, everything. 

You're all I want, 

You're all I need, 

You're everything, everything. 

You're all I want, 

You're all I need, 

You're everything, everything. 

You're all I want, 

You're all I need, 

You're everything, everything. 

And how can I stand here with you, 

And not be moved by you? 

Would you tell me, 

How could it be, 

Any better than this? 

And how can I stand here with you, 

And not be moved by you? 

Would you tell me, 

How could it be, 

Any better, any better than this? 

And how can I stand here with you, 

And not be moved by you 

Would you tell me, 

How could it be, 

Any better than this? 

Would you tell me, 

How could it be, 

Any better than this...

-------------------------------------

It's surreal that I will be in your arms after 6 more sleeps.

It seems like there has been so many things that has put a downer on the trip.

Hurricane Harvey hit Houston really hard and I am praying it won't effect us.

The unknown debt that has cropped up, expenses deducted from your pay cheque, fire at the BBQ place I really want to visit... to name a few.

Regardless of what has happened, I know the purpose for this trip is to be with you.

I don't care about the fancy hotels, shopping or extravagance and being spoiled and pampered.

I just want to stare into your beautiful eyes and in that moment know, you are my eternity.

I want to physically confirm the chemistry between us is real and the wait is worth it.

Time is the most precious thing anyone owns.

For you I am willing to wait.

You are my everything.

I love you Hillard.

You are all I want.

~ 03.09.2017 ~

Counting down the days till I'm in your arms.

2 weeks and 4 days till I'm in your arms.
It was such a relief hearing your Commander has approved your leave.
I could not contain my excitement of finally physically be in each other's presence.

These past almost 10 months has been tough.
There were moments of pain, tears and angry words.
But at no point did the thought of giving up ever cross my mind.
My heart tells my mind you are the one I wish to be with for eternity.
You have this unique superpower of making me smile, even when I'm trying hard to hide it.
Being with you has brightened my life from the darkness that I chose to protect myself in before.
There is nothing more I wish for than to spend every waking moment with you and to fall asleep next to you.

Things are finally starting to fall into place.
I have a job lined up - whilst not the easiest job, it came at the perfect time.
I believe the big decision I made to move to Hamilton was the right decision for our future.
I want a future with you.
I want to be with you.
I want you!

18 more days...

<3

~ 21.08.17 ~

Take Me Away - Lifehouse

Take Me Away - Lifehouse

This time what I want is you

There is no one else

Who can take your place

This time you burn me with your eyes

You see past all the lies

You take it all away

I've seen it all

And it's never enough

It keeps leaving me needing you

Take me away

Take me away

I've got nothing left to say

Just take me away

I try to make my way to you

But still I feel so lost

I don't know what else I can do

I've seen it all

And it's never enough

It keeps leaving me needing you

Take me away

Take me away

I've got nothing left to say

Just take me away

Don't give up on me yet

Don't forget who I am

I know I'm not there yet

But don't let

Me stay here alone

This time what I want is you

There is no one else

Who can take your place

I've seen enough and it's never enough

It keeps leaving me needing you

Take me away

Take me away

I've got nothing left to say

Just take me away

Take me away

Take me away

I've got nothing left to say

Just take me away

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Whilst I enjoy the pleasures of the life I currently am living, the distance from him is eating me up.

At the beginning of my relationship I was adamant I wanted H to move to New Zealand.

There was no way that I would be able to leave behind my friends and where I consider my home.

His brother and friend has raised a good point, why don't I move over there? 

I am starting to float the idea of moving over there to be with him.

Maybe I could be happier and live a simple life there too.

I believe he is capable of looking after me.

I still wish to have a career, but as time passes it fails to satisfy and motivate me.

I simply wish to be with the one I love, to cook for him and make him smile.

A part of me wishes he could just pluck me from my current life and just have me by his side, wherever he may be.

Fate allowed us to meet and fall in love in unlikely circumstances.

I will never stop expressing how much you mean to me because I want you to know that you are loved.

You mean the world to me and I envision so much in the future ahead of us.

Be it we have kids or not, most likely a few fur babies, we will be a happy family.

Time is precious and I appreciate every moment spent with you.

Maybe it's the lack of a routine and job to keep my mind distracted.

My day feels bleak without his presence.

I miss the sound of his voice.

I miss seeing his face, even if just for a moment before he sleeps.

When we fall asleep with the call still running, it is almost as if he was next to me in the dark.

His adorable snoring and sounds he makes in his sleep makes me wish I was in his arms.

A little over a month and it will be reality... <3

I miss you while you are away at the field.

I love reading your messages and know you are thinking of me.

My heart aches knowing the physical struggles and sleep deprivation you experience.

It will be much harder when you are deployed and might not have good connection or out at work for long hours...

There is nothing much I can do but to deal with it.

The wait will be all worth it when we can finally be physically in the same country together.

Right now I just look forward to seeing you next month.

I will struggle letting you go when I have to leave, but I will have the memories of our time together to keep me going.

I want to create unforgettable memories with you.

Our lives intertwined and in sync.

If only you could just take me away now...

I need You. 

~ 01.08.17 ~