I am sorry dad

I have been reflecting and thinking of everything that has happened to me in the past. I realise how terrible I have been as a daughter. I picked my ex over my own father who has sacrificed so much for me and been there for me. I can't believe how ignorant and naive I was. How selfish and how horrible I was to my father. I broke his heart so many times. Despite the wrongs he has done, it still didn't justify the way I treated him. He deserved a better daughter than me. I am sorry dad.

Without realising, I brought the veges he used to buy and cook for me. Eating the dish I was reminded of how hard it would have been raising a child and doing everything in his power to provide and give up everything he has ever wanted or dreamed of just so he could take care of me. I threw all of that in his face. I picked a guy who ended up hurting me, hurt my family, hurt my father and drove a wedge between him and I. I was so immature, clouded by my emotions and fantasies of what I thought I wanted. I believe in a guy who may have loved me, but loved himself more. I forgot that the only person in this world that would put me above themselves was my parents. Was my dad. The dad I was stupidly ashamed of for the wrong reason. The only person that should be ashamed is me. For the way I behaved, for the bad decisions I made, for the hurtful things I've said to my dad.

I will build up the courage to face the past. I owe it to my dad. I owe it to my mum. To admit my wrongs and try to make amends. To do it before it's too late. I realise now, what love is. Love is not what my ex and I had. What I had with him was not a true relationship. I relied on him to make decisions for me, all the hard decisions that I should have stepped up and made the call myself. I was just as much to blame, if not more to blame. I allowed my ex to believe his attitude and behaviour towards my dad was acceptable. I allowed my ex to disrespect my own father. Love is being supportive, like H is being with me. He does not make my decisions for me. It is up to me, he respects my decisions. 

I hope he is proud of me. Of what I have achieved in life. This new role I'm most likely getting is such a pivotal point in my career. I really appreciate being recognised at work for all the effort I put in. That people realise I am dedicated and capable. If it weren't for the sacrifices of my parents, I would not be where I am today.

My ex is not evil. I'm not writing this to say I regret ever being in a relationship with him. We were just too young and immature. I just wish I handled my relationship with my parents better, it's too late now, the damage has been done. All I can do now is hope my parents are able to move on from the past and be happy. I am thankful that I have H's support and he will be here soon. 

I hope we can be happy together and make the most of the life by doing right to those who love and care about us. 

It starts with having this internal conversation with myself.

It starts with apologising to those I have wronged.

I hope to become a more considerate, caring and loving person. 

I hope my friends and family find true happiness.

I hope I find my inner peace and happiness.

爸爸 對不起 以前我不懂得體貼您 一再的誤會您和傷您的心

希望您在遠方能好好照顧自己 做您想做的事情 開開心心過每一天.

謝謝您為了我做的所有犧牲,感謝您用您的方式愛我.

- 13.12.2018