Dicksand

"I am so obsessed with the idea of being in love that I just, its like, I completely lose myself.

I forget what I want and I just disappear."

--- Alice in How To Be Single

I am dragging myself out of the dicksand.

I am giving myself a real chance.

I only ever wish to be with someone who loves me for being me.

Out is the shame of facing who I really am.

Out is the fear of rejection.

Out is the old me that changed for the sake of filling someone else's mold.

I will cherish my time of being alone be it days, weeks, months or years.

I want to find that moment where I stand on my own.

Really, truly, Single.

And then...

~ 14.6.16 ~

Thinking and feeling logically

Knowing what the logical way to think and thinking logically are two different things.

I know what the logical way to think is but am not thinking logically. 

Logic says I should have moved on and not care, but sadly my mind and emotions are never logical.

The realization still upsets me but is a lot easier to deal with than the previous alternative.

I don't want to be the girl waiting, waiting for the impossible, waiting for the inevitable, waiting for emptiness, waiting for more pain...

Friends one day will drift apart, family is a relation but not necessarily a relationship, partners are no longer for life.

It was bound to happen and I should not be surprised, nothing in life but death is certain.

All that I am now is but a friend, a disposable, unimportant friend...

Thank you for your gift, even if it was given in the name of someone else...

I still know and thank you for thinking of me, whether it is out of duty to "repay me" or more...

Mogi and Chewchi are both reminders of what I mean to you, just a friend.

Giving advise to my "brother" who was in your previous circumstance made me realise and appreciate how patient you were with me.

As I said to my friend, he/you owe nothing to her/me. 

Some people are better to remain as friends as the unwanted feelings become a burden and pushes the other person further apart.

Saying "I do not expect anything in return" was a lie.
I did all that I did because I wanted something in return, I wanted more than a friendship with you but that ship has sailed long ago.

As I start thinking and feeling the moment I stop myself from going down that track.

What is the point of these unwanted feelings to you?

What is the point of allowing myself to feel?

Seeing how my "brother" reacted to a similar situation, I do not wish to be like the girl.

I want to be in that position where we can be comfortable and enjoy each other's company again.

I wish to move on from this.

I am keeping my emotions in check, choosing to remain quiet rather than utter words that are meaningless to you.

This I can do.

I can remain silent.

Silent for you. 

-- 5.6.16 --