What I wish to say to you...

Hun you say your time is precious, mine is too..
You say we get our dates and we get to talk but by the time you get to me you're so tired and can't give it your all..
I dont want you to be exhausted so I just end the date short..
I've been waiting for you all this time..
It seems like I'm constantly waiting in this relationship..

Maybe 6 months doesnt mean much to you but it means a lot to me..
I want to celebrate us being together, us defeating the odds and it was suppose to be our date day but when you asked if you could play games with the guys I knew your heart and mind was elsewhere.
I reminded you so many times, hinted and blatantly told you it was our 6 months but you didnt seem to care..
You just say 6 months is nothing in comparison to the years we will spend together...
Hun, if we dont build the foundation of our relationship now, how do you expect us to be together in the future?..

You do and am willing to drop everything for me, but it's only at the point when Im upset...
When I was upset, instead of focusing on me and what was upsetting me you become frustrated.
You dont understand the way I think and feel, but instead of asking me whats wrong you try to "deal with the issue" in your way..
Whilst I appreciate you wanting to do something to make me feel better, the first step would probably be listen and try to understand instead of jumping to conclusions..
Try understand from my perspective instead of applying your logic to my perspective and circumstance.

I understand we have our differences, theres no right or wrong answers per se, but gah sometimes I really don't know how to express myself.
I have past experiences that haunt me and an inherent fear you'll leave me, it's like the way you felt when we first got together..
You have given me reassurances, but in those moments the pessimist inside reigns, my confidence plummets and I withdraw into my bubble of doubt.

You do make me so so so happy some times, and also break my heart without realising...
Is this what love is all about - the emotional rollercoaster ride of highs and lows, twists and turns?
Will you be the one to come around and see things from my perspective?
Will I be the one to change and adapt to your ways?
Which direction and ending is our journey heading towards?
Only time will tell.

Though I have been given temptation, I place my bet on you.
My heart, time and youth as the wager.
I hope to win our happily ever after.
Let's hope and pray the odds are in our favour.

I love you Hillard.
Please be my happily ever after....

~ 30.04.17 ~

I Was Made For Loving You - Tori Kelly feat. Ed Sheeran

I Was Made For Loving You by Tori Kelly feat. Ed Sheeran

A dangerous plan, just this time

A stranger's hand clutched in mine

I'll take this chance, so call me blind

I've been waiting all my life

Please don't scar this young heart

Just take my hand

I was made for loving you

Even though we may be hopeless hearts just passing through

Every bone screaming I don't know what we should do

All I know is, darling, I was made for loving you

Hold me close through the night

Don't let me go, we'll be alright

Touch my soul and hold it tight

I've been waiting all my life

I won't scar your young heart

Just take my hand

Cause I was made for loving you

Even though we may be hopeless hearts just passing through

Every bone screaming I don't know what we should do

All I know is, darling, I was made for loving you

Please don't go, I've been waiting so long

Oh, you don't even know me at all

But I was made for loving you

I was made for loving you

Even though we may be hopeless hearts just passing through

Every bone screaming I don't know what we should do

All I know is, darling, I was made for loving you

---------------------------

I hate this distance, the time wasted, the missing physical intimacy...

I just wish to close the distance and be in your arms.

I don't know what got into me, I was anxious and emotional and I just... *KABOOOM*

I do see things from your perspective and can understand your frustration...

Thank you for holding it together and having a proper discussion.

I did not expect you to say the things you did...

You are not the lovey dovey type, nor the sweet talking charmer.

The ferocity of your love and what I meant to you took me by surprise.

Despite all your teasing, you would drop everything for me and only me.
I am your priority and you are willing to move to the other side of the world for us.
My insecurities and doubts vanished.

Taking a chance on someone whom you have never met before is a gamble.
We are both gambling our hearts, time and life
Our attraction and chance encounter defies logic.
It came as a surprise to us both.
All I know is I was made for loving you.
My experiences before made me appreciate what I have.
I realise love is not about change but acceptance.
The "negative flaws" in other eyes are what makes you special in mine.
I love you for who you are.
You love me for who I am.

There are some really frustrating moments.
But my God, you make me so happy.
I hope I make you happy too.

I love you Hillard

<3

~ 16.04.17 ~

Naivety and ignorance with war - Please be okay..

My Dearest Hun is in the American military.
There is a possibility of him being deployed to Syria given the unrest and recent missile strike.
Being so far away from middle east and areas where lives are constantly being lost, I have been ignorant and naive.
I am aware of what is highlighted in the media but have been blissfully ignorant as New Zealand is far from the fighting.
The possibility of H being deployed and being in harms way terrifies me...
I wish the world doesn't operate in a way that innocent lives are sacrificed for the greed and gain of the minority.
I try to hold it together in front of him but I'm so scared of losing him.
When he half joked half seriously said to his brother to let me know if something does happen to him, the reality hit.
I hate my powerlessness and meaningless life here.
This "sanctuary" I'm in is also a cage.
A cage that stops me from being with the man I love.
While I'm here helping some rich undeserving greedy people get richer, my Love is training for a potential chemical weapon war that he has little protection against.
I do not wish to lose him and our future together.
There is so much I wish for us to experience together, even just standing physically there, face to face and embracing for the first time, something many of us take for granted.
I want to be with him.
I love him.

This distance both physical and time is so hard on me.
I don't need to be rich, just content and satisfied.
I want him here and safe, building a future together.
I want a simple happy life with H.

Please God if you are out there, keep him safe.
Keep my H safe and out of harms way.
Stop the on going conflict and suffering around the world.
Don't let the innocent spill their blood whilst the true aggressors play with the lives they are entrusted with.

Please keep him safe.
Please let us unite.
Please.