You don't know my tears...

The good has been great and amazing.

I appreciate being able to speak with you before you sleep, I love seeing you, hearing you, and it's the small part of the day I don't have to share you with anyone else.

But you don't seem to ask about me anymore...
I cry and you don't even know...
I know you've been having rough days at work and stressing so I've kept it all to myself...
I don't want to be a burden to you...
I'm upset but you don't know how to deal with my emotions and just push me away...
Our ways of dealing with issues are so different, I don't know what to do...
He is your best friend, I try so hard to not snap at him, so instead i just shut myself out...
And you don't even notice my absence...
It's always me making the effort to initiate contact...
I just feel taken for granted sometimes...
I'm at a difficult position right now with potentially no job and savings depleting...
I feel so useless and face rejection alone...
I'm just... Lost.
Seeing you in September means so much to me, it's the hope and light that keeps me going.
Yet... I don't feel your excitement...
You seem more excited about games or playing with your friend...
I am just lost in the background...

I've asked you for a date three times now...
Just some proper alone time, just you and me doing something together but nothing comes of it...
Why must I ask for dates?...
Can you ever surprise me with a planned date to make me feel special?...
I've asked for letters or even something small but you always say maybe then forget about it...
I've told you about this blog, but you never check this do you?...
It's part of the forgettable things you don't remember like my favourite colour or the date of our anniversary...

I know you love me, and try to spend time with me, but it just feels... Silent.
I've kind of shut myself up now...
I was so excited about seeing you and wanting to make plans to do things together.
Was.
The fire in me has been doused...
You just seem a lot happier spending time playing with others...
I don't know how to make you happy...
It makes me so sad thinking this way...
Maybe I'm making a mistake...
Maybe I shouldn't visit you...
Maybe you're happier without me...

I wish you were here next to me right now...

~ 23.07.17 ~

The Last

In my first relationship I always looked forward to "The Firsts":

The first date...

The first kiss...

The first time holding hands...

The first time saying "I love you"...

After all that I have been through, I now wish to be "The Last":

The last person you think of every night before falling asleep.

The last person you fall in love with.

The last to fall asleep in your arms.

The last you kiss goodnight.

The last to be your wife. 

The last you ever love.

Will you be my Last?

Can I be your Last?

~ 15.07.17 ~

From The Ground Up by Dan + Shay

From The Ground Up by Dan + Shay

Grandma and grandpa painted a picture of sixty-five years

And one little house

More than a memory

More than saying I do

Kiss you goodnight's and I love you's

Me and you baby, walk in the footsteps

Build our own family

One day at a time

Ten little toes, a painted pink room

Our beautiful baby looks just like you

And we'll build this love from the ground up

Now 'til forever it's all of me, all of you

Just take my hand

And I'll be the man your dad hoped that I'd be

And we'll build this love from the ground up

For worse or for better

And I will be all you need

Beside you I'll stand through the good and the bad

We'll give all that we have

And we'll build this love from the ground up

This life will go by

In the blink of an eye

But I wouldn't wanna spend it without you by my side

The cloud are gonna roll

The earth's gonna shake

But I'll be your shelter through the wind and the rain

And we'll build this love from the ground up

Now 'til forever it's all of me, all of you

Just take my hand

And I'll be the man your dad hoped that I'd be

And we'll build this love from the ground up

For worse or for better

And I will be all you need

Beside you I'll stand through the good and the bad

We'll give all that we have

And we'll build this love from the ground up

Someday we'll wake up

With thousands of pictures

Sixty-five years in this little house

I won't trade for nothing, the life that we built

I'll kiss you goodnight and say I love you still

And we'll build this love from the ground up

For worse or for better

And I will be all you need

Beside you I'll stand through the good and the bad

We'll give all that we have

And we'll build this love from the ground up

From the ground up

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is so daunting thinking about the year and a half of long distance ahead of us.

You said the time would pass like a blink of an eye for you but you are worried how I will handle the distance. 

Just thinking about you being so far away makes me anxious and miss you.

I don't know what will happen in the next year and a half, but I do hope at the end of it we can be happily together.

Our relationship has not been the easiest nor the most conventional of relationships.

There is little precedence set before us and in this ever changing world, we can only do our best to prepare for the worst. 

Even though you claim your imminent deployment is "so safe that you don't even get hazard pay", I can't help but still worry about you.

I love you and wish for you to be safe, well and happy.

We have made plans to meet in August which has turned to mush with a single declinature that we have no control over.

I was so upset by it, but it is what it is and I hope and pray that September becomes reality and we can finally be together.

Many may think I'm crazy for diving head in into our relationship.

They warn me of the heartache that follows investing too much into someone with a murky future.

However...

I choose to believe and chase the light I foresee in our future. 

I choose to dare to hope and dream of our happily ever after.

I choose to believe in your words and promises.

I choose to wait whilst time ticks away. 

I choose You as my future.

I choose Us. 

I want us to build our relationship from the ground up.

I want us to be there for one another for the good and the bad.

I want us to live together and create our happily ever after together.

I want us to make each other happy and content. 

I want us to be together for eternity.

I want us to be together.

You & Me

∞

~ 12.07.17 ~

You & Me

This post is just about us.

Things I wish for us to do together:
- Running towards you in the airport and giving you the biggest hug and not caring about anyone nor anything else
- First night physically together and falling asleep in each other's arms
- First kiss.... mwa~
- Fall asleep while watching a movie and snuggling next to you
- You falling asleep and leaning on me - you feel safe and relaxed next to me <3
- Going to an amusement park together
- Picnic eating home packed lunch
- Making a table spread of your favourite food and you loving every dish
- Waking up to your famous breakfast burritos
- Staring into each other's eyes and telling the other person how much you love them
- The day you make me yours and yours only
- Gaming next to each other and me falling asleep on your lap
- In bed with me lying on top of you, listening to the sound of your heartbeat, our breathing in sync, just You and Me.

Movies to watch together
- Avator
- Studio Ghibli movies
- Koe no Katachi
- Kimi no Na Wa

Games to play together
- FFIX
- Legend of the Dragon
- Persona

Promise: Honeymoon in Japan~~
- Play at the arcade
- Eat yakiniku
- Eat ramen

Things we have done together:
- Fallen asleep next to each other while on video chat - I love opening my eyes and seeing you there.
- Watched movies together
    - Doctor Strange
    - First movie was.... TBC
    - BLAME! 24.07.2017
- Game together - FFXIV was where we met after all
- Had our first argument - was silly and can't even remember what it was about
- Cried in front of one another
- Said "I love you"
- Decided on honeymoon in JAPAN! <3
- Things.... :P