Counting down the days till I'm in your arms.

2 weeks and 4 days till I'm in your arms.
It was such a relief hearing your Commander has approved your leave.
I could not contain my excitement of finally physically be in each other's presence.

These past almost 10 months has been tough.
There were moments of pain, tears and angry words.
But at no point did the thought of giving up ever cross my mind.
My heart tells my mind you are the one I wish to be with for eternity.
You have this unique superpower of making me smile, even when I'm trying hard to hide it.
Being with you has brightened my life from the darkness that I chose to protect myself in before.
There is nothing more I wish for than to spend every waking moment with you and to fall asleep next to you.

Things are finally starting to fall into place.
I have a job lined up - whilst not the easiest job, it came at the perfect time.
I believe the big decision I made to move to Hamilton was the right decision for our future.
I want a future with you.
I want to be with you.
I want you!

18 more days...

<3

~ 21.08.17 ~

Take Me Away - Lifehouse

Take Me Away - Lifehouse

This time what I want is you

There is no one else

Who can take your place

This time you burn me with your eyes

You see past all the lies

You take it all away

I've seen it all

And it's never enough

It keeps leaving me needing you

Take me away

Take me away

I've got nothing left to say

Just take me away

I try to make my way to you

But still I feel so lost

I don't know what else I can do

I've seen it all

And it's never enough

It keeps leaving me needing you

Take me away

Take me away

I've got nothing left to say

Just take me away

Don't give up on me yet

Don't forget who I am

I know I'm not there yet

But don't let

Me stay here alone

This time what I want is you

There is no one else

Who can take your place

I've seen enough and it's never enough

It keeps leaving me needing you

Take me away

Take me away

I've got nothing left to say

Just take me away

Take me away

Take me away

I've got nothing left to say

Just take me away

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Whilst I enjoy the pleasures of the life I currently am living, the distance from him is eating me up.

At the beginning of my relationship I was adamant I wanted H to move to New Zealand.

There was no way that I would be able to leave behind my friends and where I consider my home.

His brother and friend has raised a good point, why don't I move over there? 

I am starting to float the idea of moving over there to be with him.

Maybe I could be happier and live a simple life there too.

I believe he is capable of looking after me.

I still wish to have a career, but as time passes it fails to satisfy and motivate me.

I simply wish to be with the one I love, to cook for him and make him smile.

A part of me wishes he could just pluck me from my current life and just have me by his side, wherever he may be.

Fate allowed us to meet and fall in love in unlikely circumstances.

I will never stop expressing how much you mean to me because I want you to know that you are loved.

You mean the world to me and I envision so much in the future ahead of us.

Be it we have kids or not, most likely a few fur babies, we will be a happy family.

Time is precious and I appreciate every moment spent with you.

Maybe it's the lack of a routine and job to keep my mind distracted.

My day feels bleak without his presence.

I miss the sound of his voice.

I miss seeing his face, even if just for a moment before he sleeps.

When we fall asleep with the call still running, it is almost as if he was next to me in the dark.

His adorable snoring and sounds he makes in his sleep makes me wish I was in his arms.

A little over a month and it will be reality... <3

I miss you while you are away at the field.

I love reading your messages and know you are thinking of me.

My heart aches knowing the physical struggles and sleep deprivation you experience.

It will be much harder when you are deployed and might not have good connection or out at work for long hours...

There is nothing much I can do but to deal with it.

The wait will be all worth it when we can finally be physically in the same country together.

Right now I just look forward to seeing you next month.

I will struggle letting you go when I have to leave, but I will have the memories of our time together to keep me going.

I want to create unforgettable memories with you.

Our lives intertwined and in sync.

If only you could just take me away now...

I need You. 

~ 01.08.17 ~

You don't know my tears...

The good has been great and amazing.

I appreciate being able to speak with you before you sleep, I love seeing you, hearing you, and it's the small part of the day I don't have to share you with anyone else.

But you don't seem to ask about me anymore...
I cry and you don't even know...
I know you've been having rough days at work and stressing so I've kept it all to myself...
I don't want to be a burden to you...
I'm upset but you don't know how to deal with my emotions and just push me away...
Our ways of dealing with issues are so different, I don't know what to do...
He is your best friend, I try so hard to not snap at him, so instead i just shut myself out...
And you don't even notice my absence...
It's always me making the effort to initiate contact...
I just feel taken for granted sometimes...
I'm at a difficult position right now with potentially no job and savings depleting...
I feel so useless and face rejection alone...
I'm just... Lost.
Seeing you in September means so much to me, it's the hope and light that keeps me going.
Yet... I don't feel your excitement...
You seem more excited about games or playing with your friend...
I am just lost in the background...

I've asked you for a date three times now...
Just some proper alone time, just you and me doing something together but nothing comes of it...
Why must I ask for dates?...
Can you ever surprise me with a planned date to make me feel special?...
I've asked for letters or even something small but you always say maybe then forget about it...
I've told you about this blog, but you never check this do you?...
It's part of the forgettable things you don't remember like my favourite colour or the date of our anniversary...

I know you love me, and try to spend time with me, but it just feels... Silent.
I've kind of shut myself up now...
I was so excited about seeing you and wanting to make plans to do things together.
Was.
The fire in me has been doused...
You just seem a lot happier spending time playing with others...
I don't know how to make you happy...
It makes me so sad thinking this way...
Maybe I'm making a mistake...
Maybe I shouldn't visit you...
Maybe you're happier without me...

I wish you were here next to me right now...

~ 23.07.17 ~

The Last

In my first relationship I always looked forward to "The Firsts":

The first date...

The first kiss...

The first time holding hands...

The first time saying "I love you"...

After all that I have been through, I now wish to be "The Last":

The last person you think of every night before falling asleep.

The last person you fall in love with.

The last to fall asleep in your arms.

The last you kiss goodnight.

The last to be your wife. 

The last you ever love.

Will you be my Last?

Can I be your Last?

~ 15.07.17 ~

From The Ground Up by Dan + Shay

From The Ground Up by Dan + Shay

Grandma and grandpa painted a picture of sixty-five years

And one little house

More than a memory

More than saying I do

Kiss you goodnight's and I love you's

Me and you baby, walk in the footsteps

Build our own family

One day at a time

Ten little toes, a painted pink room

Our beautiful baby looks just like you

And we'll build this love from the ground up

Now 'til forever it's all of me, all of you

Just take my hand

And I'll be the man your dad hoped that I'd be

And we'll build this love from the ground up

For worse or for better

And I will be all you need

Beside you I'll stand through the good and the bad

We'll give all that we have

And we'll build this love from the ground up

This life will go by

In the blink of an eye

But I wouldn't wanna spend it without you by my side

The cloud are gonna roll

The earth's gonna shake

But I'll be your shelter through the wind and the rain

And we'll build this love from the ground up

Now 'til forever it's all of me, all of you

Just take my hand

And I'll be the man your dad hoped that I'd be

And we'll build this love from the ground up

For worse or for better

And I will be all you need

Beside you I'll stand through the good and the bad

We'll give all that we have

And we'll build this love from the ground up

Someday we'll wake up

With thousands of pictures

Sixty-five years in this little house

I won't trade for nothing, the life that we built

I'll kiss you goodnight and say I love you still

And we'll build this love from the ground up

For worse or for better

And I will be all you need

Beside you I'll stand through the good and the bad

We'll give all that we have

And we'll build this love from the ground up

From the ground up

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is so daunting thinking about the year and a half of long distance ahead of us.

You said the time would pass like a blink of an eye for you but you are worried how I will handle the distance. 

Just thinking about you being so far away makes me anxious and miss you.

I don't know what will happen in the next year and a half, but I do hope at the end of it we can be happily together.

Our relationship has not been the easiest nor the most conventional of relationships.

There is little precedence set before us and in this ever changing world, we can only do our best to prepare for the worst. 

Even though you claim your imminent deployment is "so safe that you don't even get hazard pay", I can't help but still worry about you.

I love you and wish for you to be safe, well and happy.

We have made plans to meet in August which has turned to mush with a single declinature that we have no control over.

I was so upset by it, but it is what it is and I hope and pray that September becomes reality and we can finally be together.

Many may think I'm crazy for diving head in into our relationship.

They warn me of the heartache that follows investing too much into someone with a murky future.

However...

I choose to believe and chase the light I foresee in our future. 

I choose to dare to hope and dream of our happily ever after.

I choose to believe in your words and promises.

I choose to wait whilst time ticks away. 

I choose You as my future.

I choose Us. 

I want us to build our relationship from the ground up.

I want us to be there for one another for the good and the bad.

I want us to live together and create our happily ever after together.

I want us to make each other happy and content. 

I want us to be together for eternity.

I want us to be together.

You & Me

∞

~ 12.07.17 ~

You & Me

This post is just about us.

Things I wish for us to do together:
- Running towards you in the airport and giving you the biggest hug and not caring about anyone nor anything else
- First night physically together and falling asleep in each other's arms
- First kiss.... mwa~
- Fall asleep while watching a movie and snuggling next to you
- You falling asleep and leaning on me - you feel safe and relaxed next to me <3
- Going to an amusement park together
- Picnic eating home packed lunch
- Making a table spread of your favourite food and you loving every dish
- Waking up to your famous breakfast burritos
- Staring into each other's eyes and telling the other person how much you love them
- The day you make me yours and yours only
- Gaming next to each other and me falling asleep on your lap
- In bed with me lying on top of you, listening to the sound of your heartbeat, our breathing in sync, just You and Me.

Movies to watch together
- Avator
- Studio Ghibli movies
- Koe no Katachi
- Kimi no Na Wa

Games to play together
- FFIX
- Legend of the Dragon
- Persona

Promise: Honeymoon in Japan~~
- Play at the arcade
- Eat yakiniku
- Eat ramen

Things we have done together:
- Fallen asleep next to each other while on video chat - I love opening my eyes and seeing you there.
- Watched movies together
    - Doctor Strange
    - First movie was.... TBC
    - BLAME! 24.07.2017
- Game together - FFXIV was where we met after all
- Had our first argument - was silly and can't even remember what it was about
- Cried in front of one another
- Said "I love you"
- Decided on honeymoon in JAPAN! <3
- Things.... :P

Good Enough - Evanescence

Good Enough - Evanescence

Under your spell again

I can't say no to you

Crave my heart and it's bleeding in your hand

I can't say no to you

Shouldn't let you torture me so sweetly

Now I can't let go of this dream

I can't breathe but I feel

Good enough

I feel good enough for you

Drink up sweet decadence

I can't say no to you

And I've completely lost myself and I don't mind

I can't say no to you

Shouldn't let you conquer me completely

Now I can't let go of this dream

Can't believe that I feel

Good enough

I feel good enough

It's been such a long time coming

But I feel good

And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall

Pour real life down on me

'Cause I can't hold on to anything

This good enough

Am I good enough

For you to love me too?

So take care what you ask of me

'Cause I can't say no

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's coming up to our 8 months anniversary soon.

I have been warned and told not to fall right from the get go by those who care and worry about me.

We both know it's too late for that now as I fell for you long ago, early into our relationship.

My love for you has grown so much especially this past month where I have gone through a lot of change in my life.

You have been here for me, despite the distance, despite the difference in opinion.

Some negative things has happened to you and I hope I have been there for you the way you needed me to.

You have given me more of you, your time, and little bit by bit into your life and who you are as a person.

I am so thankful to have you in my life and the open communication we both work hard to maintain.

We have our fights, some silly, some just sudden spur of emotions mostly on my part but our relationship becomes stronger after every fight.

Words cannot express my appreciation of having such a wonderful man like you in my life.

Sometimes I wonder, how am I this lucky to come across you and have you in my life?

I am flawed, I am emotional, I am insecure, I am impulsive, I am different.

I often wonder what is it about me that you really love?

What makes me different from the rest that makes you want to love me?

Am I good enough for you to want to be with for the rest of your life?

I love your honesty, your strong unshakable opinions and beliefs.

Though we do hold strong opposing views but we respect each others' opinions and can agree to disagree.

"You do you, I am not here to decide for you but to support you in your decisions."

That was one of the sweetest and most touching thing you said to me.

We do not wish to change one another for our own "preferences", we love each other just the way we are.

Just like the lyrics I have completely lost myself and I can't say no to you.

I can't let go of this dream to be with you and I can't believe that I feel this way.

The cynic is still in the back of my mind, dreading the worst, but I'm not letting it get in the way of me loving you. 

The "baggage" people perceive on the surface are not what will stop me from loving you.

At times I am scared, scared of losing you, so scared of saying goodbye for good and you missing from my life.

In those moments I remind myself to stop living in fear.

I need to make the most of how ever much precious time I get with you.

You telling me the probability of you ending your own life upsets me to my core.

I cannot begin imagine the nightmares that haunt your dreams and mind.

I hope to fill your life with happiness that it overshadows the pain you endured.

I understand your viewpoint and am trying to accept this choice to life/death that is yours.

I will endeavour to do everything within my powers to make your life worth living.

There is so much I look forward to in the future I envision with you.

Less than two months till you can hold me and make me yours.

For now, I look forward to simply falling asleep in your arms.

Our breathing and heartbeat slowed and in sync.

To feel the heat of your body next to mine.

Our limbs entwined.

Just You and Me.

Maybe one day you will dream again.

Dream of our life in the years ahead.

The countdown begins...

~ 15.06.2017 ~