Good Enough - Evanescence

Good Enough - Evanescence

Under your spell again

I can't say no to you

Crave my heart and it's bleeding in your hand

I can't say no to you

Shouldn't let you torture me so sweetly

Now I can't let go of this dream

I can't breathe but I feel

Good enough

I feel good enough for you

Drink up sweet decadence

I can't say no to you

And I've completely lost myself and I don't mind

I can't say no to you

Shouldn't let you conquer me completely

Now I can't let go of this dream

Can't believe that I feel

Good enough

I feel good enough

It's been such a long time coming

But I feel good

And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall

Pour real life down on me

'Cause I can't hold on to anything

This good enough

Am I good enough

For you to love me too?

So take care what you ask of me

'Cause I can't say no

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's coming up to our 8 months anniversary soon.

I have been warned and told not to fall right from the get go by those who care and worry about me.

We both know it's too late for that now as I fell for you long ago, early into our relationship.

My love for you has grown so much especially this past month where I have gone through a lot of change in my life.

You have been here for me, despite the distance, despite the difference in opinion.

Some negative things has happened to you and I hope I have been there for you the way you needed me to.

You have given me more of you, your time, and little bit by bit into your life and who you are as a person.

I am so thankful to have you in my life and the open communication we both work hard to maintain.

We have our fights, some silly, some just sudden spur of emotions mostly on my part but our relationship becomes stronger after every fight.

Words cannot express my appreciation of having such a wonderful man like you in my life.

Sometimes I wonder, how am I this lucky to come across you and have you in my life?

I am flawed, I am emotional, I am insecure, I am impulsive, I am different.

I often wonder what is it about me that you really love?

What makes me different from the rest that makes you want to love me?

Am I good enough for you to want to be with for the rest of your life?

I love your honesty, your strong unshakable opinions and beliefs.

Though we do hold strong opposing views but we respect each others' opinions and can agree to disagree.

"You do you, I am not here to decide for you but to support you in your decisions."

That was one of the sweetest and most touching thing you said to me.

We do not wish to change one another for our own "preferences", we love each other just the way we are.

Just like the lyrics I have completely lost myself and I can't say no to you.

I can't let go of this dream to be with you and I can't believe that I feel this way.

The cynic is still in the back of my mind, dreading the worst, but I'm not letting it get in the way of me loving you. 

The "baggage" people perceive on the surface are not what will stop me from loving you.

At times I am scared, scared of losing you, so scared of saying goodbye for good and you missing from my life.

In those moments I remind myself to stop living in fear.

I need to make the most of how ever much precious time I get with you.

You telling me the probability of you ending your own life upsets me to my core.

I cannot begin imagine the nightmares that haunt your dreams and mind.

I hope to fill your life with happiness that it overshadows the pain you endured.

I understand your viewpoint and am trying to accept this choice to life/death that is yours.

I will endeavour to do everything within my powers to make your life worth living.

There is so much I look forward to in the future I envision with you.

Less than two months till you can hold me and make me yours.

For now, I look forward to simply falling asleep in your arms.

Our breathing and heartbeat slowed and in sync.

To feel the heat of your body next to mine.

Our limbs entwined.

Just You and Me.

Maybe one day you will dream again.

Dream of our life in the years ahead.

The countdown begins...

~ 15.06.2017 ~

I choose You!

I have had a bit of dilemma lately trying to figure out what to do.
Logic dictates I should go with the "easier and closer to home choice" but my heart fiercely clung onto that familiar yet extremely complicated bundle of... Hun.

I know my friends are uncomfortable with the decision I made to go see him...
For a girl flying to the other side of the world to meet a guy I've only meet and known over the Internet for a few months, anything can happen.
Both them and myself would be a lot more comfortable if he came here first but it's not really happening as that boat has sailed long ago and I don't want to open that can of worms right now...

Maybe he could end up hurting me, but what if it could all work out and I actually get my happily ever after?

I choose to believe in my gut, to believe in that initial spark and unexplainable attraction, no, infatuation we felt.

I don't know him at all yet I felt so comfortable opening up to him and trusting him.

The initial staying up till 3am every night to just chat and spend time in each other's presence.

He was always the responsible one, reminding me of reality but also whisking me away to this happy place whenever we got to spend time together.

Neither one of us are perfect, we have our differences, expectations and perspective, we may disagree on a lot of things but we can agree to disagree.

Dear Hun, 

6 months has flew by so quickly, less than a year to go till you relocate here.

I am hoping, and praying despite my friend's concerns that I do get to see you in August. 

August will seal our fate, whether we are compatible in person too or not.

All this chemistry that has been mixing between us, how will it react? 

You have tried hard to be there for me and to make an effort.

I may not articulate or express my appreciation of  everything you do for me, but I do notice and remember.

Firstly, thank you for getting the phone so that we could message during the day, so that if you had to deploy (praying no...) you could let me know, also you could use the phone here in New Zealand too.

You are introverted and don't need a cellphone to keep in touch with people, but you did it for me.

I missed you so terribly while you were in training, it just felt so... sad and like a void was there when I couldn't reach out to you.

I missed you so much, I wouldn't have guessed or thought that I could miss you that much while you were gone.
I stopped caring about the phone bill and just needed to talk and message you. 

Secondly, thank you for getting the new car.
Yes, you do need the car for work, but if you weren't saving up to pay off debt or to come here, you could have gotten a much better car to get around in.
Instead you picked a slightly cheaper car which I really hope is SAFE because that is the number one priority!!
It would also make visiting you and seeing your family a lot more convenient too.
And who knows, maybe we can tick something off my/our list *wink* 

Thirdly - and most importantly! Thank you for making time for me. 

I know you do try and I appreciate the times when you drop everything to just spend time with me alone be it playing games or just talking.

You find sitting around talking and not doing anything else to be unproductive and somewhat a waste of time, but those moments when I get you 100% full attention and you actually responding and being part of the conversation (*cough cough* way too easily distracted) are my favourite moments. 

While it is fun playing and chatting with your friends and brother, I am also greedy and want your undivided attention. 

It's nice talking to you before you sleep, but not as much when you are so exhausted after gaming with the boys for hours and just wanting to sleep and not talk to me...

The quality of the conversation drops and my heart aches seeing you so tired I just want you to rest...

I love it so much when we fall asleep next to each other over the phone - sorry phone, probably really bad for you / your battery >.<;;

I love opening my eyes and seeing you there on the screen, almost as if you were next to me...

The distance really gets to me sometimes and I just want to bury myself in your arms and cry...

It is funny how someone who was a stranger a year ago has now become my favourite person. 

The thought of war and deployment terrifies me but it is part of your current life so I have come to learn to deal with the anxiety.

In case if I haven't made it clear enough...

I don't want to imagine my life or future without you.

I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

I CHOOSE YOU HILLARD.

~ 16.05.2017 ~

What I wish to say to you...

Hun you say your time is precious, mine is too..
You say we get our dates and we get to talk but by the time you get to me you're so tired and can't give it your all..
I dont want you to be exhausted so I just end the date short..
I've been waiting for you all this time..
It seems like I'm constantly waiting in this relationship..

Maybe 6 months doesnt mean much to you but it means a lot to me..
I want to celebrate us being together, us defeating the odds and it was suppose to be our date day but when you asked if you could play games with the guys I knew your heart and mind was elsewhere.
I reminded you so many times, hinted and blatantly told you it was our 6 months but you didnt seem to care..
You just say 6 months is nothing in comparison to the years we will spend together...
Hun, if we dont build the foundation of our relationship now, how do you expect us to be together in the future?..

You do and am willing to drop everything for me, but it's only at the point when Im upset...
When I was upset, instead of focusing on me and what was upsetting me you become frustrated.
You dont understand the way I think and feel, but instead of asking me whats wrong you try to "deal with the issue" in your way..
Whilst I appreciate you wanting to do something to make me feel better, the first step would probably be listen and try to understand instead of jumping to conclusions..
Try understand from my perspective instead of applying your logic to my perspective and circumstance.

I understand we have our differences, theres no right or wrong answers per se, but gah sometimes I really don't know how to express myself.
I have past experiences that haunt me and an inherent fear you'll leave me, it's like the way you felt when we first got together..
You have given me reassurances, but in those moments the pessimist inside reigns, my confidence plummets and I withdraw into my bubble of doubt.

You do make me so so so happy some times, and also break my heart without realising...
Is this what love is all about - the emotional rollercoaster ride of highs and lows, twists and turns?
Will you be the one to come around and see things from my perspective?
Will I be the one to change and adapt to your ways?
Which direction and ending is our journey heading towards?
Only time will tell.

Though I have been given temptation, I place my bet on you.
My heart, time and youth as the wager.
I hope to win our happily ever after.
Let's hope and pray the odds are in our favour.

I love you Hillard.
Please be my happily ever after....

~ 30.04.17 ~

I Was Made For Loving You - Tori Kelly feat. Ed Sheeran

I Was Made For Loving You by Tori Kelly feat. Ed Sheeran

A dangerous plan, just this time

A stranger's hand clutched in mine

I'll take this chance, so call me blind

I've been waiting all my life

Please don't scar this young heart

Just take my hand

I was made for loving you

Even though we may be hopeless hearts just passing through

Every bone screaming I don't know what we should do

All I know is, darling, I was made for loving you

Hold me close through the night

Don't let me go, we'll be alright

Touch my soul and hold it tight

I've been waiting all my life

I won't scar your young heart

Just take my hand

Cause I was made for loving you

Even though we may be hopeless hearts just passing through

Every bone screaming I don't know what we should do

All I know is, darling, I was made for loving you

Please don't go, I've been waiting so long

Oh, you don't even know me at all

But I was made for loving you

I was made for loving you

Even though we may be hopeless hearts just passing through

Every bone screaming I don't know what we should do

All I know is, darling, I was made for loving you

---------------------------

I hate this distance, the time wasted, the missing physical intimacy...

I just wish to close the distance and be in your arms.

I don't know what got into me, I was anxious and emotional and I just... *KABOOOM*

I do see things from your perspective and can understand your frustration...

Thank you for holding it together and having a proper discussion.

I did not expect you to say the things you did...

You are not the lovey dovey type, nor the sweet talking charmer.

The ferocity of your love and what I meant to you took me by surprise.

Despite all your teasing, you would drop everything for me and only me.
I am your priority and you are willing to move to the other side of the world for us.
My insecurities and doubts vanished.

Taking a chance on someone whom you have never met before is a gamble.
We are both gambling our hearts, time and life
Our attraction and chance encounter defies logic.
It came as a surprise to us both.
All I know is I was made for loving you.
My experiences before made me appreciate what I have.
I realise love is not about change but acceptance.
The "negative flaws" in other eyes are what makes you special in mine.
I love you for who you are.
You love me for who I am.

There are some really frustrating moments.
But my God, you make me so happy.
I hope I make you happy too.

I love you Hillard

<3

~ 16.04.17 ~

Naivety and ignorance with war - Please be okay..

My Dearest Hun is in the American military.
There is a possibility of him being deployed to Syria given the unrest and recent missile strike.
Being so far away from middle east and areas where lives are constantly being lost, I have been ignorant and naive.
I am aware of what is highlighted in the media but have been blissfully ignorant as New Zealand is far from the fighting.
The possibility of H being deployed and being in harms way terrifies me...
I wish the world doesn't operate in a way that innocent lives are sacrificed for the greed and gain of the minority.
I try to hold it together in front of him but I'm so scared of losing him.
When he half joked half seriously said to his brother to let me know if something does happen to him, the reality hit.
I hate my powerlessness and meaningless life here.
This "sanctuary" I'm in is also a cage.
A cage that stops me from being with the man I love.
While I'm here helping some rich undeserving greedy people get richer, my Love is training for a potential chemical weapon war that he has little protection against.
I do not wish to lose him and our future together.
There is so much I wish for us to experience together, even just standing physically there, face to face and embracing for the first time, something many of us take for granted.
I want to be with him.
I love him.

This distance both physical and time is so hard on me.
I don't need to be rich, just content and satisfied.
I want him here and safe, building a future together.
I want a simple happy life with H.

Please God if you are out there, keep him safe.
Keep my H safe and out of harms way.
Stop the on going conflict and suffering around the world.
Don't let the innocent spill their blood whilst the true aggressors play with the lives they are entrusted with.

Please keep him safe.
Please let us unite.
Please.

Funeral

I think I am starting to accept my death.
When I was in my teens and all through out adulthood, the thought of death has always terrified me.




Funeral background music:
- Aerith's Theme - Piano https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVvRJN2jwC0
- Kodaline - All I want

Remedy - Adele [25]

Remedy by Adele

I remember all of the things that I thought I wanted to be

So desperate to find a way out of my world and finally breathe

Right before my eyes I saw, my heart it came to life

This ain't easy it's not meant to be

Every story has its scars

When the pain cuts you deep

When the night keeps you from sleeping

Just look and you will see

That I will be your remedy

When the world seems so cruel

And your heart makes you feel like a fool

I promise you will see

That I will be, I will be your remedy

No river is too wide or too deep for me to swim to you

Come whenever I'll be the shelter that won't let the rain come through

Your love, it is my truth

And I will always love you

Love you

When the pain cuts you deep

When the night keeps you from sleeping

Just look and you will see

I will be, I will be

When the world seems so cruel

And your heart makes you feel like a fool

I promise you will see

That I will be, I will be, I will be

Your remedy, oh

------------------------------------------------

So... I took the plunge and booked the plane ticket! 

Eeeeek!

Had an emotional roller coaster of a week almost a fortnight ago.

I hope we are now on the same page.

It was excruciatingly hard hearing him utter words that broke my heart.

Maybe it was exhaustion from work, maybe it was hormonal emotions, maybe it was just him putting her before me...

As hard as I tried, I couldn't stop myself from crying.

It was the first time I cried in front of him whilst video chatting.

I saw the exhaustion on his face, his eyelids struggling to stay open, so I muffled my cries and bid him goodnight.

That night I poured my heart out to him, long messages baring my soul.

His response was, in hindsight, his typical response not rushing to make a decision or commit to a promise he can't keep.

Oh, I was so hurt and barely kept up the pretense I was fine at work.

I am sorry for putting you in that position but what you were doing was not fair to two woman.

Hun, I need you to pick me, no matter what, no matter when...

You cannot be there for both her and I.

I cannot stand by you if you are putting her before me.

Right now it will be hard for you, your perspective will change and I hope you will come around.

As much as I feel for her circumstances, I will not forsake our future and happiness above hers.

To me she will become you past and a part of your life I wish to have no part in.

I am giving you all of me, and I wish the same back from you.

My friend said I am independent and low maintenance, however I am extremely emotionally needy.

I agree with him.

My friend raised the point: "To him you are good to have, but nothing really lost for him if you aren't there as well."

As much as I wish to disagree with him, there is truth behind his words for you have expressed similarly so in the past.

I know you have been burnt and so am skeptical and prepared for the worst.

However, I was so surprised to learn you cried the day after I messaged you.

You are not someone who easily shed a tear and have not done so in many years.

I do not know how much of it was caused by the pain of the possibility of us separating...

I wish from the bottom of my heart that we never get to say goodbye for good... Ever...

It was a tough decision for you but a must.

A clear distinction need to be made between the past, present and future.

I am your present and hope to be your future.

The moment you said you choose me I physically felt a sense of relief.

There was a part of me that doubted whether you would or not...

Your actions and decisions just made me feel like I was not a priority in your life...

Have to remind myself that you are not used to thinking in "we" and just dealing with issues on your own, it's not me, it's you and will take time to adjust.

You have been stressed with work and the uncertainties that lie ahead.

Hope there was something I could do to help.

You deal with things differently and I respect that.

A part of me still wish that you'd open up and talk to me...

Let me in...

I am here for you Hun.

I will be your remedy.

~ 12.03.17 ~