You don't know my tears...

The good has been great and amazing.

I appreciate being able to speak with you before you sleep, I love seeing you, hearing you, and it's the small part of the day I don't have to share you with anyone else.

But you don't seem to ask about me anymore...
I cry and you don't even know...
I know you've been having rough days at work and stressing so I've kept it all to myself...
I don't want to be a burden to you...
I'm upset but you don't know how to deal with my emotions and just push me away...
Our ways of dealing with issues are so different, I don't know what to do...
He is your best friend, I try so hard to not snap at him, so instead i just shut myself out...
And you don't even notice my absence...
It's always me making the effort to initiate contact...
I just feel taken for granted sometimes...
I'm at a difficult position right now with potentially no job and savings depleting...
I feel so useless and face rejection alone...
I'm just... Lost.
Seeing you in September means so much to me, it's the hope and light that keeps me going.
Yet... I don't feel your excitement...
You seem more excited about games or playing with your friend...
I am just lost in the background...

I've asked you for a date three times now...
Just some proper alone time, just you and me doing something together but nothing comes of it...
Why must I ask for dates?...
Can you ever surprise me with a planned date to make me feel special?...
I've asked for letters or even something small but you always say maybe then forget about it...
I've told you about this blog, but you never check this do you?...
It's part of the forgettable things you don't remember like my favourite colour or the date of our anniversary...

I know you love me, and try to spend time with me, but it just feels... Silent.
I've kind of shut myself up now...
I was so excited about seeing you and wanting to make plans to do things together.
Was.
The fire in me has been doused...
You just seem a lot happier spending time playing with others...
I don't know how to make you happy...
It makes me so sad thinking this way...
Maybe I'm making a mistake...
Maybe I shouldn't visit you...
Maybe you're happier without me...

I wish you were here next to me right now...

~ 23.07.17 ~

The Last

In my first relationship I always looked forward to "The Firsts":

The first date...

The first kiss...

The first time holding hands...

The first time saying "I love you"...

After all that I have been through, I now wish to be "The Last":

The last person you think of every night before falling asleep.

The last person you fall in love with.

The last to fall asleep in your arms.

The last you kiss goodnight.

The last to be your wife. 

The last you ever love.

Will you be my Last?

Can I be your Last?

~ 15.07.17 ~

From The Ground Up by Dan + Shay

From The Ground Up by Dan + Shay

Grandma and grandpa painted a picture of sixty-five years

And one little house

More than a memory

More than saying I do

Kiss you goodnight's and I love you's

Me and you baby, walk in the footsteps

Build our own family

One day at a time

Ten little toes, a painted pink room

Our beautiful baby looks just like you

And we'll build this love from the ground up

Now 'til forever it's all of me, all of you

Just take my hand

And I'll be the man your dad hoped that I'd be

And we'll build this love from the ground up

For worse or for better

And I will be all you need

Beside you I'll stand through the good and the bad

We'll give all that we have

And we'll build this love from the ground up

This life will go by

In the blink of an eye

But I wouldn't wanna spend it without you by my side

The cloud are gonna roll

The earth's gonna shake

But I'll be your shelter through the wind and the rain

And we'll build this love from the ground up

Now 'til forever it's all of me, all of you

Just take my hand

And I'll be the man your dad hoped that I'd be

And we'll build this love from the ground up

For worse or for better

And I will be all you need

Beside you I'll stand through the good and the bad

We'll give all that we have

And we'll build this love from the ground up

Someday we'll wake up

With thousands of pictures

Sixty-five years in this little house

I won't trade for nothing, the life that we built

I'll kiss you goodnight and say I love you still

And we'll build this love from the ground up

For worse or for better

And I will be all you need

Beside you I'll stand through the good and the bad

We'll give all that we have

And we'll build this love from the ground up

From the ground up

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is so daunting thinking about the year and a half of long distance ahead of us.

You said the time would pass like a blink of an eye for you but you are worried how I will handle the distance. 

Just thinking about you being so far away makes me anxious and miss you.

I don't know what will happen in the next year and a half, but I do hope at the end of it we can be happily together.

Our relationship has not been the easiest nor the most conventional of relationships.

There is little precedence set before us and in this ever changing world, we can only do our best to prepare for the worst. 

Even though you claim your imminent deployment is "so safe that you don't even get hazard pay", I can't help but still worry about you.

I love you and wish for you to be safe, well and happy.

We have made plans to meet in August which has turned to mush with a single declinature that we have no control over.

I was so upset by it, but it is what it is and I hope and pray that September becomes reality and we can finally be together.

Many may think I'm crazy for diving head in into our relationship.

They warn me of the heartache that follows investing too much into someone with a murky future.

However...

I choose to believe and chase the light I foresee in our future. 

I choose to dare to hope and dream of our happily ever after.

I choose to believe in your words and promises.

I choose to wait whilst time ticks away. 

I choose You as my future.

I choose Us. 

I want us to build our relationship from the ground up.

I want us to be there for one another for the good and the bad.

I want us to live together and create our happily ever after together.

I want us to make each other happy and content. 

I want us to be together for eternity.

I want us to be together.

You & Me

∞

~ 12.07.17 ~

You & Me

This post is just about us.

Things I wish for us to do together:
- Running towards you in the airport and giving you the biggest hug and not caring about anyone nor anything else
- First night physically together and falling asleep in each other's arms
- First kiss.... mwa~
- Fall asleep while watching a movie and snuggling next to you
- You falling asleep and leaning on me - you feel safe and relaxed next to me <3
- Going to an amusement park together
- Picnic eating home packed lunch
- Making a table spread of your favourite food and you loving every dish
- Waking up to your famous breakfast burritos
- Staring into each other's eyes and telling the other person how much you love them
- The day you make me yours and yours only
- Gaming next to each other and me falling asleep on your lap
- In bed with me lying on top of you, listening to the sound of your heartbeat, our breathing in sync, just You and Me.

Movies to watch together
- Avator
- Studio Ghibli movies
- Koe no Katachi
- Kimi no Na Wa

Games to play together
- FFIX
- Legend of the Dragon
- Persona

Promise: Honeymoon in Japan~~
- Play at the arcade
- Eat yakiniku
- Eat ramen

Things we have done together:
- Fallen asleep next to each other while on video chat - I love opening my eyes and seeing you there.
- Watched movies together
    - Doctor Strange
    - First movie was.... TBC
    - BLAME! 24.07.2017
- Game together - FFXIV was where we met after all
- Had our first argument - was silly and can't even remember what it was about
- Cried in front of one another
- Said "I love you"
- Decided on honeymoon in JAPAN! <3
- Things.... :P

Good Enough - Evanescence

Good Enough - Evanescence

Under your spell again

I can't say no to you

Crave my heart and it's bleeding in your hand

I can't say no to you

Shouldn't let you torture me so sweetly

Now I can't let go of this dream

I can't breathe but I feel

Good enough

I feel good enough for you

Drink up sweet decadence

I can't say no to you

And I've completely lost myself and I don't mind

I can't say no to you

Shouldn't let you conquer me completely

Now I can't let go of this dream

Can't believe that I feel

Good enough

I feel good enough

It's been such a long time coming

But I feel good

And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall

Pour real life down on me

'Cause I can't hold on to anything

This good enough

Am I good enough

For you to love me too?

So take care what you ask of me

'Cause I can't say no

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's coming up to our 8 months anniversary soon.

I have been warned and told not to fall right from the get go by those who care and worry about me.

We both know it's too late for that now as I fell for you long ago, early into our relationship.

My love for you has grown so much especially this past month where I have gone through a lot of change in my life.

You have been here for me, despite the distance, despite the difference in opinion.

Some negative things has happened to you and I hope I have been there for you the way you needed me to.

You have given me more of you, your time, and little bit by bit into your life and who you are as a person.

I am so thankful to have you in my life and the open communication we both work hard to maintain.

We have our fights, some silly, some just sudden spur of emotions mostly on my part but our relationship becomes stronger after every fight.

Words cannot express my appreciation of having such a wonderful man like you in my life.

Sometimes I wonder, how am I this lucky to come across you and have you in my life?

I am flawed, I am emotional, I am insecure, I am impulsive, I am different.

I often wonder what is it about me that you really love?

What makes me different from the rest that makes you want to love me?

Am I good enough for you to want to be with for the rest of your life?

I love your honesty, your strong unshakable opinions and beliefs.

Though we do hold strong opposing views but we respect each others' opinions and can agree to disagree.

"You do you, I am not here to decide for you but to support you in your decisions."

That was one of the sweetest and most touching thing you said to me.

We do not wish to change one another for our own "preferences", we love each other just the way we are.

Just like the lyrics I have completely lost myself and I can't say no to you.

I can't let go of this dream to be with you and I can't believe that I feel this way.

The cynic is still in the back of my mind, dreading the worst, but I'm not letting it get in the way of me loving you. 

The "baggage" people perceive on the surface are not what will stop me from loving you.

At times I am scared, scared of losing you, so scared of saying goodbye for good and you missing from my life.

In those moments I remind myself to stop living in fear.

I need to make the most of how ever much precious time I get with you.

You telling me the probability of you ending your own life upsets me to my core.

I cannot begin imagine the nightmares that haunt your dreams and mind.

I hope to fill your life with happiness that it overshadows the pain you endured.

I understand your viewpoint and am trying to accept this choice to life/death that is yours.

I will endeavour to do everything within my powers to make your life worth living.

There is so much I look forward to in the future I envision with you.

Less than two months till you can hold me and make me yours.

For now, I look forward to simply falling asleep in your arms.

Our breathing and heartbeat slowed and in sync.

To feel the heat of your body next to mine.

Our limbs entwined.

Just You and Me.

Maybe one day you will dream again.

Dream of our life in the years ahead.

The countdown begins...

~ 15.06.2017 ~

I choose You!

I have had a bit of dilemma lately trying to figure out what to do.
Logic dictates I should go with the "easier and closer to home choice" but my heart fiercely clung onto that familiar yet extremely complicated bundle of... Hun.

I know my friends are uncomfortable with the decision I made to go see him...
For a girl flying to the other side of the world to meet a guy I've only meet and known over the Internet for a few months, anything can happen.
Both them and myself would be a lot more comfortable if he came here first but it's not really happening as that boat has sailed long ago and I don't want to open that can of worms right now...

Maybe he could end up hurting me, but what if it could all work out and I actually get my happily ever after?

I choose to believe in my gut, to believe in that initial spark and unexplainable attraction, no, infatuation we felt.

I don't know him at all yet I felt so comfortable opening up to him and trusting him.

The initial staying up till 3am every night to just chat and spend time in each other's presence.

He was always the responsible one, reminding me of reality but also whisking me away to this happy place whenever we got to spend time together.

Neither one of us are perfect, we have our differences, expectations and perspective, we may disagree on a lot of things but we can agree to disagree.

Dear Hun, 

6 months has flew by so quickly, less than a year to go till you relocate here.

I am hoping, and praying despite my friend's concerns that I do get to see you in August. 

August will seal our fate, whether we are compatible in person too or not.

All this chemistry that has been mixing between us, how will it react? 

You have tried hard to be there for me and to make an effort.

I may not articulate or express my appreciation of  everything you do for me, but I do notice and remember.

Firstly, thank you for getting the phone so that we could message during the day, so that if you had to deploy (praying no...) you could let me know, also you could use the phone here in New Zealand too.

You are introverted and don't need a cellphone to keep in touch with people, but you did it for me.

I missed you so terribly while you were in training, it just felt so... sad and like a void was there when I couldn't reach out to you.

I missed you so much, I wouldn't have guessed or thought that I could miss you that much while you were gone.
I stopped caring about the phone bill and just needed to talk and message you. 

Secondly, thank you for getting the new car.
Yes, you do need the car for work, but if you weren't saving up to pay off debt or to come here, you could have gotten a much better car to get around in.
Instead you picked a slightly cheaper car which I really hope is SAFE because that is the number one priority!!
It would also make visiting you and seeing your family a lot more convenient too.
And who knows, maybe we can tick something off my/our list *wink* 

Thirdly - and most importantly! Thank you for making time for me. 

I know you do try and I appreciate the times when you drop everything to just spend time with me alone be it playing games or just talking.

You find sitting around talking and not doing anything else to be unproductive and somewhat a waste of time, but those moments when I get you 100% full attention and you actually responding and being part of the conversation (*cough cough* way too easily distracted) are my favourite moments. 

While it is fun playing and chatting with your friends and brother, I am also greedy and want your undivided attention. 

It's nice talking to you before you sleep, but not as much when you are so exhausted after gaming with the boys for hours and just wanting to sleep and not talk to me...

The quality of the conversation drops and my heart aches seeing you so tired I just want you to rest...

I love it so much when we fall asleep next to each other over the phone - sorry phone, probably really bad for you / your battery >.<;;

I love opening my eyes and seeing you there on the screen, almost as if you were next to me...

The distance really gets to me sometimes and I just want to bury myself in your arms and cry...

It is funny how someone who was a stranger a year ago has now become my favourite person. 

The thought of war and deployment terrifies me but it is part of your current life so I have come to learn to deal with the anxiety.

In case if I haven't made it clear enough...

I don't want to imagine my life or future without you.

I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

I CHOOSE YOU HILLARD.

~ 16.05.2017 ~

What I wish to say to you...

Hun you say your time is precious, mine is too..
You say we get our dates and we get to talk but by the time you get to me you're so tired and can't give it your all..
I dont want you to be exhausted so I just end the date short..
I've been waiting for you all this time..
It seems like I'm constantly waiting in this relationship..

Maybe 6 months doesnt mean much to you but it means a lot to me..
I want to celebrate us being together, us defeating the odds and it was suppose to be our date day but when you asked if you could play games with the guys I knew your heart and mind was elsewhere.
I reminded you so many times, hinted and blatantly told you it was our 6 months but you didnt seem to care..
You just say 6 months is nothing in comparison to the years we will spend together...
Hun, if we dont build the foundation of our relationship now, how do you expect us to be together in the future?..

You do and am willing to drop everything for me, but it's only at the point when Im upset...
When I was upset, instead of focusing on me and what was upsetting me you become frustrated.
You dont understand the way I think and feel, but instead of asking me whats wrong you try to "deal with the issue" in your way..
Whilst I appreciate you wanting to do something to make me feel better, the first step would probably be listen and try to understand instead of jumping to conclusions..
Try understand from my perspective instead of applying your logic to my perspective and circumstance.

I understand we have our differences, theres no right or wrong answers per se, but gah sometimes I really don't know how to express myself.
I have past experiences that haunt me and an inherent fear you'll leave me, it's like the way you felt when we first got together..
You have given me reassurances, but in those moments the pessimist inside reigns, my confidence plummets and I withdraw into my bubble of doubt.

You do make me so so so happy some times, and also break my heart without realising...
Is this what love is all about - the emotional rollercoaster ride of highs and lows, twists and turns?
Will you be the one to come around and see things from my perspective?
Will I be the one to change and adapt to your ways?
Which direction and ending is our journey heading towards?
Only time will tell.

Though I have been given temptation, I place my bet on you.
My heart, time and youth as the wager.
I hope to win our happily ever after.
Let's hope and pray the odds are in our favour.

I love you Hillard.
Please be my happily ever after....

~ 30.04.17 ~