Trouble - Coldplay

Trouble by Coldplay

Oh no I see 

A spider web it's tangled up with me
And I lost my head 
And thought of all the stupid things I said 

Oh no what's this 
A spider web and I'm caught in the middle 
So I turned to run 
The thought of all the stupid things I've done 

And I never meant to cause you trouble 
And I never meant to do you wrong 
And ah well if I ever caused you trouble 
Oh no I never meant to do you harm 

Oh no I see 
A spider web and it's me in the middle 
So I twist and turn 
Here am I in my little bubble

Singing out
I never meant to cause you trouble 
And I never meant to do you wrong 
And ah well if I ever caused you trouble 
And oh no I never meant to do you harm 

They spun a web for me 
They spun a web for me 
They spun a web for me

-------------------------------------

不經意地聽到這首歌, 靜下心來聽歌詞, 腦還浮出一些回憶同時想著 if I acted differently, what would my life and relationships be like now? 

現在的我一方面希望能知足安逸現狀卻同時也希望自己能積極點追求一些事物.

我希望自己能珍惜每一天,每 位身邊的人, 擁有的一切並且開開心心的面對每一天.

~ 09.05.2019 ~

I am sorry dad

I have been reflecting and thinking of everything that has happened to me in the past. I realise how terrible I have been as a daughter. I picked my ex over my own father who has sacrificed so much for me and been there for me. I can't believe how ignorant and naive I was. How selfish and how horrible I was to my father. I broke his heart so many times. Despite the wrongs he has done, it still didn't justify the way I treated him. He deserved a better daughter than me. I am sorry dad.

Without realising, I brought the veges he used to buy and cook for me. Eating the dish I was reminded of how hard it would have been raising a child and doing everything in his power to provide and give up everything he has ever wanted or dreamed of just so he could take care of me. I threw all of that in his face. I picked a guy who ended up hurting me, hurt my family, hurt my father and drove a wedge between him and I. I was so immature, clouded by my emotions and fantasies of what I thought I wanted. I believe in a guy who may have loved me, but loved himself more. I forgot that the only person in this world that would put me above themselves was my parents. Was my dad. The dad I was stupidly ashamed of for the wrong reason. The only person that should be ashamed is me. For the way I behaved, for the bad decisions I made, for the hurtful things I've said to my dad.

I will build up the courage to face the past. I owe it to my dad. I owe it to my mum. To admit my wrongs and try to make amends. To do it before it's too late. I realise now, what love is. Love is not what my ex and I had. What I had with him was not a true relationship. I relied on him to make decisions for me, all the hard decisions that I should have stepped up and made the call myself. I was just as much to blame, if not more to blame. I allowed my ex to believe his attitude and behaviour towards my dad was acceptable. I allowed my ex to disrespect my own father. Love is being supportive, like H is being with me. He does not make my decisions for me. It is up to me, he respects my decisions. 

I hope he is proud of me. Of what I have achieved in life. This new role I'm most likely getting is such a pivotal point in my career. I really appreciate being recognised at work for all the effort I put in. That people realise I am dedicated and capable. If it weren't for the sacrifices of my parents, I would not be where I am today.

My ex is not evil. I'm not writing this to say I regret ever being in a relationship with him. We were just too young and immature. I just wish I handled my relationship with my parents better, it's too late now, the damage has been done. All I can do now is hope my parents are able to move on from the past and be happy. I am thankful that I have H's support and he will be here soon. 

I hope we can be happy together and make the most of the life by doing right to those who love and care about us. 

It starts with having this internal conversation with myself.

It starts with apologising to those I have wronged.

I hope to become a more considerate, caring and loving person. 

I hope my friends and family find true happiness.

I hope I find my inner peace and happiness.

爸爸 對不起 以前我不懂得體貼您 一再的誤會您和傷您的心

希望您在遠方能好好照顧自己 做您想做的事情 開開心心過每一天.

謝謝您為了我做的所有犧牲,感謝您用您的方式愛我.

- 13.12.2018

Everything - Lifehouse

Everything by Lifehouse

Boyce Avenue cover: 

Find me here, 

And speak to me. 

I want to feel you, 

I need to hear you. 

You are the light, 

That's leading me, 

To the place, 

Where I find peace again. 

You are the strength, 

That keeps me walking. 

You are the hope, 

That keeps me trusting. 

You are the light,

To my soul.

You are my purpose, 

You're everything. 

How can I stand here with you, 

And not be moved by you? 

Would you tell me, 

How could it be, 

Any better than this? 

You calm the storms, 

And you give me rest. 

You hold me in your hands, 

You won't let me fall. 

You steal my heart, 

And you take my breath away. 

Would you take me in, 

Take me deeper now. 

And how can I stand here with you, 

And not be moved by you? 

Would you tell me, 

How could it be, 

Any better than this? 

And how can I stand here with you, 

And not be moved by you? 

Would you tell me, 

How could it be, 

Any better than this? 

Cause you're all I want, 

You're all I need, 

You're everything, everything. 

You're all I want, 

You're all I need, 

You're everything, everything. 

You're all I want, 

You're all I need, 

You're everything, everything. 

You're all I want, 

You're all I need, 

You're everything, everything. 

And how can I stand here with you, 

And not be moved by you? 

Would you tell me, 

How could it be, 

Any better than this? 

And how can I stand here with you, 

And not be moved by you? 

Would you tell me, 

How could it be, 

Any better, any better than this? 

And how can I stand here with you, 

And not be moved by you 

Would you tell me, 

How could it be, 

Any better than this? 

Would you tell me, 

How could it be, 

Any better than this...

-------------------------------------

It's surreal that I will be in your arms after 6 more sleeps.

It seems like there has been so many things that has put a downer on the trip.

Hurricane Harvey hit Houston really hard and I am praying it won't effect us.

The unknown debt that has cropped up, expenses deducted from your pay cheque, fire at the BBQ place I really want to visit... to name a few.

Regardless of what has happened, I know the purpose for this trip is to be with you.

I don't care about the fancy hotels, shopping or extravagance and being spoiled and pampered.

I just want to stare into your beautiful eyes and in that moment know, you are my eternity.

I want to physically confirm the chemistry between us is real and the wait is worth it.

Time is the most precious thing anyone owns.

For you I am willing to wait.

You are my everything.

I love you Hillard.

You are all I want.

~ 03.09.2017 ~

Counting down the days till I'm in your arms.

2 weeks and 4 days till I'm in your arms.
It was such a relief hearing your Commander has approved your leave.
I could not contain my excitement of finally physically be in each other's presence.

These past almost 10 months has been tough.
There were moments of pain, tears and angry words.
But at no point did the thought of giving up ever cross my mind.
My heart tells my mind you are the one I wish to be with for eternity.
You have this unique superpower of making me smile, even when I'm trying hard to hide it.
Being with you has brightened my life from the darkness that I chose to protect myself in before.
There is nothing more I wish for than to spend every waking moment with you and to fall asleep next to you.

Things are finally starting to fall into place.
I have a job lined up - whilst not the easiest job, it came at the perfect time.
I believe the big decision I made to move to Hamilton was the right decision for our future.
I want a future with you.
I want to be with you.
I want you!

18 more days...

<3

~ 21.08.17 ~

Take Me Away - Lifehouse

Take Me Away - Lifehouse

This time what I want is you

There is no one else

Who can take your place

This time you burn me with your eyes

You see past all the lies

You take it all away

I've seen it all

And it's never enough

It keeps leaving me needing you

Take me away

Take me away

I've got nothing left to say

Just take me away

I try to make my way to you

But still I feel so lost

I don't know what else I can do

I've seen it all

And it's never enough

It keeps leaving me needing you

Take me away

Take me away

I've got nothing left to say

Just take me away

Don't give up on me yet

Don't forget who I am

I know I'm not there yet

But don't let

Me stay here alone

This time what I want is you

There is no one else

Who can take your place

I've seen enough and it's never enough

It keeps leaving me needing you

Take me away

Take me away

I've got nothing left to say

Just take me away

Take me away

Take me away

I've got nothing left to say

Just take me away

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Whilst I enjoy the pleasures of the life I currently am living, the distance from him is eating me up.

At the beginning of my relationship I was adamant I wanted H to move to New Zealand.

There was no way that I would be able to leave behind my friends and where I consider my home.

His brother and friend has raised a good point, why don't I move over there? 

I am starting to float the idea of moving over there to be with him.

Maybe I could be happier and live a simple life there too.

I believe he is capable of looking after me.

I still wish to have a career, but as time passes it fails to satisfy and motivate me.

I simply wish to be with the one I love, to cook for him and make him smile.

A part of me wishes he could just pluck me from my current life and just have me by his side, wherever he may be.

Fate allowed us to meet and fall in love in unlikely circumstances.

I will never stop expressing how much you mean to me because I want you to know that you are loved.

You mean the world to me and I envision so much in the future ahead of us.

Be it we have kids or not, most likely a few fur babies, we will be a happy family.

Time is precious and I appreciate every moment spent with you.

Maybe it's the lack of a routine and job to keep my mind distracted.

My day feels bleak without his presence.

I miss the sound of his voice.

I miss seeing his face, even if just for a moment before he sleeps.

When we fall asleep with the call still running, it is almost as if he was next to me in the dark.

His adorable snoring and sounds he makes in his sleep makes me wish I was in his arms.

A little over a month and it will be reality... <3

I miss you while you are away at the field.

I love reading your messages and know you are thinking of me.

My heart aches knowing the physical struggles and sleep deprivation you experience.

It will be much harder when you are deployed and might not have good connection or out at work for long hours...

There is nothing much I can do but to deal with it.

The wait will be all worth it when we can finally be physically in the same country together.

Right now I just look forward to seeing you next month.

I will struggle letting you go when I have to leave, but I will have the memories of our time together to keep me going.

I want to create unforgettable memories with you.

Our lives intertwined and in sync.

If only you could just take me away now...

I need You. 

~ 01.08.17 ~

You don't know my tears...

The good has been great and amazing.

I appreciate being able to speak with you before you sleep, I love seeing you, hearing you, and it's the small part of the day I don't have to share you with anyone else.

But you don't seem to ask about me anymore...
I cry and you don't even know...
I know you've been having rough days at work and stressing so I've kept it all to myself...
I don't want to be a burden to you...
I'm upset but you don't know how to deal with my emotions and just push me away...
Our ways of dealing with issues are so different, I don't know what to do...
He is your best friend, I try so hard to not snap at him, so instead i just shut myself out...
And you don't even notice my absence...
It's always me making the effort to initiate contact...
I just feel taken for granted sometimes...
I'm at a difficult position right now with potentially no job and savings depleting...
I feel so useless and face rejection alone...
I'm just... Lost.
Seeing you in September means so much to me, it's the hope and light that keeps me going.
Yet... I don't feel your excitement...
You seem more excited about games or playing with your friend...
I am just lost in the background...

I've asked you for a date three times now...
Just some proper alone time, just you and me doing something together but nothing comes of it...
Why must I ask for dates?...
Can you ever surprise me with a planned date to make me feel special?...
I've asked for letters or even something small but you always say maybe then forget about it...
I've told you about this blog, but you never check this do you?...
It's part of the forgettable things you don't remember like my favourite colour or the date of our anniversary...

I know you love me, and try to spend time with me, but it just feels... Silent.
I've kind of shut myself up now...
I was so excited about seeing you and wanting to make plans to do things together.
Was.
The fire in me has been doused...
You just seem a lot happier spending time playing with others...
I don't know how to make you happy...
It makes me so sad thinking this way...
Maybe I'm making a mistake...
Maybe I shouldn't visit you...
Maybe you're happier without me...

I wish you were here next to me right now...

~ 23.07.17 ~

The Last

In my first relationship I always looked forward to "The Firsts":

The first date...

The first kiss...

The first time holding hands...

The first time saying "I love you"...

After all that I have been through, I now wish to be "The Last":

The last person you think of every night before falling asleep.

The last person you fall in love with.

The last to fall asleep in your arms.

The last you kiss goodnight.

The last to be your wife. 

The last you ever love.

Will you be my Last?

Can I be your Last?

~ 15.07.17 ~