∮2 不敢哭 Don't dare to cry - 梁心頤 Lara

Song for today is: 不敢哭/Don't dare to cry by 梁心頤/Lara

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0SVOs87MdA

Original Chinese lyrics and my English translation/interpretation of the lyrics:

梁心頤 - 不敢哭

Lyrics/作詞：Lara梁心頤
Composer/作曲：Zhang Jie張傑

如果說了太多 請你別再閃躲

If too many things were said, can you please stop hiding
那尷尬的笑容 會讓我更難過

That awkward smile, will upset me even more
就算只是朋友 你能不能夠直話直說 讓我懂

Even though we are just as friends, can't you just get straight to the point and say it, to let me understand

都怪你的灑脫 溫暖了我胸口

Blame it on how unconstrained and easy going you are, warmed up my heart
但曖昧很沈重 讓親暱成了折磨
But the ambiguous flirting is a heavy burden, turned intimacy into torture

不要看著我 天真的說

Don't look at me and naively say
現在的你是多麼脆弱

How fragile and weak you are right now
這樣諷刺 求救 原來最痛

How ironic, seeking help is actually most painful

我不敢哭 因為我不想認輸

I don't dare to cry, because I don't want to admit defeat
你的心為她守護 我比誰都清楚

Your heart is guarding her, I know this more clearly than anyone else
我不敢哭 或許也是種認輸

I don't dare to cry, maybe it's a form of admitting defeat
愛你卻說不出 就當作祝福

I love you but can't say it, just treat it as a blessing

如果愛是自由 為何無法回收

If love is free, why can't I take it back
我在你的左右 也不過是個替手

I'm at your side, but only as a substitute

不要看著我 天真的說

Don't look at me and naively say
現在的你是多麼脆弱

How fragile and weak you are right now
這樣諷刺 求救 原來最痛

How ironic, seeking help is actually most painful

我不敢哭 因為我不想認輸

I don't dare to cry, because I don't want to admit defeat
你的心為她守護 我比誰都清楚

Your heart is guarding her, I know this more clearly than anyone else
我不敢哭 或許也是種認輸

I don't dare to cry, maybe it's a form of admitting defeat
愛你卻說不出 就當作祝福 oh oh~
I love you but can't say it, just treat it as a blessing oh oh~

我不敢哭 因為我不想認輸

I don't dare to cry, because I don't want to admit defeat
你的心為她守護 我比誰都清楚

Your heart is guarding her, I know this more clearly than anyone else
我不敢哭 或許也是種認輸

I don't dare to cry, maybe it's a form of admitting defeat
愛你卻說不出 就當作祝福

I love you but can't say it, just treat it as blessing 
------------------------------------------------------------
The beginning of the music video has the following words:
得不到的 總愈想要 我想要放開不屬於我的你 我想找回屬於我的自由
The more you can't have it, the more you will crave it
I want to let go of you who don't belong to me
I want to find the freedom that belongs to me

At the end the texts say:
得不到的 就該放手 就算哭了 我也是勇敢的
If you can't have it, than you should let go
Even if I cry, I am still brave

This song means a lot to me. 

The music video depicts a forbidden extramarital love affair but the lyrics could be interpreted it in other ways. 
I resonate with the lyrics in terms of the dilemma I had when I found out the one I thought was my "happily ever after" was choosing someone over me, over us, over the 6 years we've had... 
My internal struggle of deciding whether to: 
A. Hold onto my last bit of dignity and avoid crying as it is a sign of accepting he's moved on and the end of my relationship..
or 
B. Just cry, let go, admit defeat and wallow in my own sorrow... 

After the initial shock that he - whom I trusted with my life and envisioned my future with; has just admitted he has betrayed me and is leaving me for someone else I went into a state of denial... I couldn't bare to look at him, it felt like with every glance I will see this new person that has taken over the guy I love so much... 

Even though I understood the logic behind his decision, it doesn't justify his betrayal... I understood it is for the best in the long run due to our circumstances, but it did not make it any easier... Because of love and my desire for him to be happy, I somehow convinced myself to let go... Even though I firmly believed I am capable of bringing him true happiness and can and am willing to accept and move on despite the betrayal, his heart and mind is no longer mine... 

To let go physically is so much easier than letting go emotionally. Even now after almost 6 months, I still feel an emotional attachment to him. When a song that reminds me of "us" plays, or I see or pass by something or somewhere that once meant something to "us", my heart beats faster and I have to fight the urge to dwell on the past and return to that state of wallowing and self pity... 

The pain hasn't lessened but I have learnt to cope. It is true that time heals all wounds. The wound heals but I am like a little kid that can't control her hands, I can't help but pick at the scabs and reopen the wound to bleed over and over again. One day when it becomes numb, I will stop picking at the wound and let it properly heal to eventually become a faint scar. A faint scar that only I will notice and I will learn to not make the same mistake and fall again. 

If god or the universe can be so kind to me, please let me find someone who is willing to accept me as who I am, to look past the scars of my past and love me for who I am... One day... When I am ready to love and trust again.....

-- 04.08.14 --