A moment of clarity

It's been awhile since I've felt this way about my life.

Originally my five weeks holiday had multiple purposes: relaxation, lasik eye surgery, visit family and friends, get away from the stresses of work, shopping and rewarding myself after over a year of full time working, lastly and most importantly, to pause and review my life to try figure out my next steps.

Just before my trip something happened that complicated things a bit for me... I was really confused and didn't really know what to do in that situation or knew how I felt and what I wanted. Since then I had some clarification though not quite what I had expected but I'm relieved to know where I stand. It lead to my journey of self discovery, asking myself the hard questions and figuring out who I am, what I want, where I want to be.

The time away has allowed me to actually think and figure out the "big questions". It's exhilarating having "eureka moments" in the middle of the night and finally having clarity on what I want in life and setting obtainable goals. 

Slowly but surely I'm ticking off my list of things to do on this trip.

As I encountered a large hurdle, I manage to stay true to myself and not cave in as I had before. I've made massive progress and manage to realise the importance of sticking up for yourself, loving yourself and saying no. Though tomorrow may be a challenge, but it's something I know I want to face and overcome.

This midnight post probably makes no coherent sense, but as I type this there is clarity in my mind. I know what I want to do and now the hard part is following through with my actions. I need courage to stand up for myself, and I need strength to follow through with my actions. 

Go me? :)

-- 15.06.15 --

至：愛過的人

光良 - 那些愛過的事:
"只是我愛過你的事，卻像跟著我的影子
遺憾的是你看不到，我還在愛著你的樣子"

曾經屬於我們共同的物品隨著時間逐漸損壞，如同變了質的牛奶，味道變了只能廢棄…
看著這些物品想起曾經的點點滴滴我還是止不住淚水…
想起那些甜言蜜語，真是天真又傻。
山無崚，天地合，乃敢與君絕…好美…卻不切實際…

你讓我嚐到了被愛與寵溺的甜蜜，同時也體會了愛帶來的痛與煎熬…
我嘗試跨越心裡的恐懼去接納他人卻一再地碰壁，熱臉貼冷屁股，真心換絕情…

愛 好累 好傷

多希望曾經的諾言能實現，我們現在過的是曾經計畫著的生活…
不知現在的你過的如何，我只能遠遠的祝福你，希望你能過你要的平淡、簡單的幸福日子。

我累了，找不到人生的方向，不知道該如何走下去，追求什麼…

曾經你是我的未來，我的指南針。
現在我必須靠自己的力量去尋找人生迷宮的出口。
若碰了壁就往回走找新的路，總有一天會找到出口。
就算出不去至少我也努力過，而不是在原地不動的等不會出現的"白馬王子"。
我會好好地誠實面對自己，不再幻想祈求什麼。
做自己堅強的走下去。

-- 10.06.15 --

無奈

矛盾
不知道該怎麼做…
為什麼人們愛玩遊戲？
簡單、直接、誠實坦承換來拔腿就跑？…
害怕受傷但就像飛蛾撲火我還是會去試…
傻
對愛情的期待…
鼓起勇氣去追求但換來的是？……
糾結
無奈
困惑
囧

我不知道結果如何
不試永遠原地打轉
我鼓起勇氣去面對
不知老天如何安排
我已做好心理准備
不知不覺我已成熟

-- 17.05.15 --

真愛開玩笑

傻
每次都是這樣

痛
癡心妄想

以為準備好可是往往都是錯覺

老天真愛跟我開玩笑

到底哪時候我才認輸？

幸福是？

一個人也能滿足開心

回到過去

不奢求
不祈求

沒希望就不會失望

認了

報應？
或許吧

人生來就是為了還債的

真的累了

當誠實直白的人，好累
我不想要了

愛情，愛人
最終只帶給我痛

沒開始就折斷也好

我

累了

-- 13.05.15 --

∮6 你要的愛 The love you want - 戴佩妮 Penny Tai

你要的愛 The love you want by 戴佩妮 Penny Tai

戴佩妮 你要的愛

Original Chinese lyrics and my English translation/interpretation of the lyrics:

你要的愛 - 戴佩妮

Lyrics/作詞：戴佩妮 / Penny Tai
Composer/作曲：戴佩妮 / Penny Tai

雖然經常夢見妳 還是毫無頭緒
Though I often dream of you, still cannot make sense of it
外面正在下著雨 今天是星期幾
It is raining outside, which day is today
But I don't know 你去那裡
But I don't know, where you went

雖然不曾懷疑你 還是忐忑不定
Though never doubted you, still anxious and uncertain
誰是你的那個唯一 原諒我懷疑自己
Who is your one, forgive me for suspecting it could be me

我明白 我要的愛 會把我寵壞
I understand, the love I want will spoil me
像一個小孩 只懂在你懷裡壞
Like a child, just want to snuggle in your embrace

你要的愛 不只是依賴
The love you want, is not just to be relied upon
要像個大男孩 風吹又日曬 生活自由自在
Like a grown up boy, battered by the winds and sun, living freely

雖然不曾懷疑你 還是忐忑不定
Though never doubted you, still anxious and uncertain
誰是你的那個唯一 原諒我懷疑自己
Who is your one, forgive me for suspecting it could be me

我明白 我要的愛 會把我寵壞
I understand, the love I want will spoil me
像一個小孩 只懂在你懷裡壞
Like a child, just want to snuggle in your embrace

你要的愛 不只是依賴
The love you want, is not just to be relied upon
要像個大男孩 風吹又日曬 生活自由自在
Like a grown up boy, battered by the winds and sun, living freely

我明白 我要的愛 會把我寵壞
I understand, the love I want will spoil me
像一個小孩 只懂在你懷裡壞
Like a child, just want to snuggle in your embrace 

你要的愛 不只是依賴
The love you want, is not just to be relied upon
要像個大男孩 風吹又日曬 生活自由自在
Like a grown up boy, battered by the winds and sun, living freely
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
This song has so much sentimental value to it.
It is the theme song to the Taiwanese drama - Meteor Garden.

Growing up this used to be the song we used to always sing at karaoke, walking home, or just humming in the shower.

It has such simplistic tune and lyrics, yet it touches you. 

At the time you associate moments from the drama to the song, but after experiencing my own relationship, it hits me on a different level...

In a relationship you start expecting things, wanting things, start playing tug-of-war of give and take. 

Really don't know how to think or feel right now... 

Just have to take everything one step at a time and go with the flow I guess?

Sometimes I really hate playing games... to hard to figure out the best next step when you're in the midst of it all...

-- 12.05.15 --

∮5 碎片 Shards/Shattered Pieces - 梁心頤 Lara

碎片 Shards by 梁心頤 Lara

Lara碎片

Original Chinese lyrics and my English translation/interpretation of the lyrics:

碎片 - 梁心頤

Lyrics/作詞：梁心頤
Composer/作曲：張傑

感情像房子 用故事建立
Relationships are like houses, built from stories
隨著細節而印上了含義
Finding meaning through the little things
一層一層剝開我的心 地基就是你
Peeling the layers of my heart, the core is you 
每個角落都有愛住過的痕跡
In every nook and cranny you can find traces of love's lingering presence

我們像太靠桌邊的玻璃瓶
We are like glass bottles too close to the table ledge
輕輕一碰就失去平衡著地
A little bump will cause it to lose balance and fall
再堅固的形狀一瞬間成為了曾經
Even the strongest shape will instantly become the past
原來分手比想像中還更容易
Breaking up is easier than expected

回憶是數不清的隱形碎片
Memories are countless invisible shards
割進身體最脆弱那個房間
Cutting into the body's most fragile room
就連自己都沒察覺
Don't even detect it yourself
為何不經意在失血
Losing blood without realising
癒合只是表面
Only the surface healed


一隻黑襪子 一張無殼CD
A single black sock, a single caseless CD
都是你離開了的反覆提醒
Are constant reminders of your absence
什麼時候才能夠呼吸 沒你的空氣
When can I start breathing air without you 
什麼時候才能有自由的平靜
When can I enjoy the freedom of serenity 

回憶是數不清的隱形碎片
Memories are countless invisible shards

割進身體最脆弱那個房間
Cutting into the body's most fragile room
就連自己都沒察覺
Don't even detect it yourself
為何不經意在失血
Losing blood without realising
癒合只是表面
Only the surface healed

回憶是數不清的隱形碎片
Memories are countless invisible shards
割進身體最脆弱那個房間
Cutting into the body's most fragile room
以為自己早已復原
Thought I had recovered
為何不時還會滲血
Why does blood still sometimes seep through
癒合只是表面
Only the surface healed 

回憶是數不清的隱形碎片
Memories are countless invisible shards
割進身體最脆弱那個房間
Cutting into the body's most fragile room
數不清的隱形碎片
Countless invisible shards

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Slowly, I am removing the broken shards and piecing it together to form a jar called the past.
Like a shattered glass you will never be able to piece it together perfectly like how it was before.
The bigger and protruding pieces have been removed, what remains is the little shards.
Specific little movement triggers the small shards to cause pain that thankfully is less than what their larger counterparts caused...

Like scabs that form on wounds, the heart will build a thick wall to protect itself from allowing the remaining shards to cause further damage.
This new heart somehow manages to have blood pumping through it again, there is hope... 
But its hard to trust... to place your heart inside another jar and expose it to the possibility of being dropped and shattered again...

What to do?... 

-- 10.05.15 --

A different perspective

2 days ago I received a letter from my dearest friend, rock, sister/brother that was written a few months ago when we experienced the loss of a colleague. A colleague that was more a friend than someone you are forced to spend time with 5 days a week. RIP F.B.

Other things were going on with both our lives and we were in a pessimistic state of mind. Our lunch times were spent complaining about our circumstances and how helpless we were. Just another cogwheel being worn and grinded down by the harsh reality. Luckily as the saying goes, time is the healer of wounds. 

We are still faced with other issues but are tackling it with less pessimism.

In the letter she wrote of kind words of how she perceived me to be. Compliments and words I would not ever flatter myself with. In this world people are so caught up with actions and often forget the importance of words, of expressing their appreciation and adoration of the people around them.

Her letter inspired me to write a letter to another close friend who currently is going through difficult times in her life. I hate that we are in different cities and I cannot physically be there to help her, to embrace her and somehow lessen the pain and speed up the painful process. I hope like the letter I received, my best friend can read it in times of self doubt and realise what an amazing person she is and everything will somehow be alright.

I am a sentimental person and keep all the cards, letters and memorabilia through the years. As I opened my bedside dresser I was faced with the box containing notes, photos and letters K and I had written one another, the necklace I had worn for over 5 years and a diary journal.

Reading the notes we exchanged instead of just sadness of our separation there were other emotions I had not expected. I felt a sense of pride, pride that I was loved and loved someone the way we did. Despite the imperfect ending, there were also moments of true love. 

Looking back I was immature, selfish and not ready for a serious relationship. We made promises to one another that we were not aware of the implication of. If I had a second chance I would do things differently but do not regret ever falling in love with him. I would not be who I am without going through all that. 

As my besty wrote, it is amazing how far I have come. I will never truly be "over" K, he will always have a place in my heart but now I can say I have moved on. Moved on from the sadness onto appreciation and eagerness to make the most of what's to come.

I am very glad I had not thrown the box out while processing the separation. I love that there are physical reminders of the 6 amazing years we spent together. He was not a fragment of my imagination and the feelings were real and mutual. When going through tough times it's great to remind yourself of what you have overcome in the past and that you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

My pursuit of happiness starts with a change of perspective.

-- 03.04.15 --