Constantly changing between wanting something to happen and backing away due to my insecurities and fears.
Wanting to be bold and just make a move, but also scared of pushing you away and losing you.
Thinking I was prepare and the "experienced" one but in reality I'm the one with the baggage and scars from my previous relationship...
Being tough and independent on the outside but in reality I'm emotionally unstable and wanting someone to rely on...
What I told you yesterday was but the surface.
You don't realise how insecure and emotionally unstable and an over thinker I really am...
I plan my day around you, hang around and put everything on hold for you, and when you go ahead without me I feel like I'm just intruding and unwanted...
Feels like my time doesn't matter to you and I'm just always on standby waiting for you to tell me where to go...
I do this to myself I know, I make time for you and you don't even appreciate or realise...
You say you appreciate me, but actions speak louder than words.
I was starting to allow myself to trust and to rely on you but then instantly it backfires.
I asked you for a lift which I never ask of others because I was not feeling well and don't like driving after swimming when I'm tired.
Little did I know you have gone ahead without me as usual and I'm just the stupid girl with her one sided feelings that's doing the chasing...
I feel so stupid and unwanted...
I don't know why I peeled the prawn for you, sorry for making it awkward...
While waiting to wash my hands I thought of K and it made me sad...
K used to always peel prawns for me and I used to be the one that is being pampered, taken care of and loved...
What is wrong with me right now?
Doing these stupid unwanted things that is just not like a girl and just...
I am stupid and unwanted.
Last night when you wouldn't answer whether we are having boardgames or wii or not I was annoyed...
I felt I was imposing again and annoyed at both you but more at myself.
I was annoyed at you because you are being distant again.
I was then annoyed at myself because I know the reason why you are being distant is because of my stupid feelings.
As little and insignificant as it may be, that verbal invite does matter.
I know you are shy, I know you want me to be more confident and part of the group, but I wish you could tell me that I'm wanted...
Be it at boardgames or basketball.
That you actually WANT me there and not me imposing myself...
Like after the first bball game your instagram post...
I don't want "sorry for bothering you", I want "thank you I appreciate and want you there".
I got used to imposing myself on you, on your family and just treating your house as the place we always go to for boardgames and meet ups.
The last thing I want is to impose and I caught myself doing it last night...
Instead of you inviting us over, I imposed and was upset with myself...
Just like I did with the Rotorua trip...
You mention something and I just assume and invite my unwanted self...
What is wrong with me...
I really enjoy going to watch you play basketball.
I love how animated and excited you are after a game.
You try to play it off cool, but even after a bad game you are still more outspoken and being yourself and true with your emotions.
You are too harsh on yourself, it's a team game and you got to be more confident and recognize the good plays that you set up too.
Though you are unconfident, you have the knowledge and I really like seeing you starting to come out of your shell more.
Basketball is the gateway.
In a way, I feel like basketball is "our" thing...
I want you to play for yourself but you saying you are playing for me really touched me and I appreciate it more than you know.
I like doing the bench.
I like unashamedly watching you on the courts.
I like watching you have fun.
I like seeing you push yourself.
I like you giving it your all.
I like you starting to trust your teammates.
I like seeing the tactician coming out and you setting up plays.
I like your cheeky smile throughout the game, especially after a foul :P
I like supporting you.
I like being there for you.
I like you...
When you said I am 2/3 I was shocked but didn't say anything.
I would never use the words "beauty" or "brains" on myself.
Thank you for your very kind words but also not sugar coating anything because I know figure is something I'm lacking and definitely a source of my insecurity.
Though others have commented on the change in my appearance, I have a goal in mind.
I want to achieve it for myself, but I know a big part of it I'm doing it for you.
You are the unknowing motivator that keeps me going.
Knowing I'm a foodie and sweet tooth, you know how hard it is for me to resist temptation.
I have done pretty well so far and hope that when I've built up my confidence and am emotionally stable you will be ready too...
I really really really like you and believe we can work.
For now, #bestie will just have to do.
-- 20.2.16 --
