Ray of Positivity

In this day and age where social media is readily available and you can instantly be connected to most people, some how we wind up being more distant and disconnect than before the social media Era.  

I enjoy and miss having meaningful discussions with close friends about how we really am, really think, really feel and what is actually on our mind. 

Leaving the city on a weekend day trip to see a close friend made me appreciate the freedom and independence of being me.

Despite the not so perfect ending to the day with the pouring rain and speeding fine (oops... I deserve that fine.. >. <"), I still thoroughly relaxed and found comfort in my friends company.

I admire his clear mind and the methodical, efficient way he goes about his day and do things. 

Despite the circumstances he still does not let his emotions cloud his judgement as to what he is after and won't settle for anything less.

His blunt honesty, openness, wicked sense of humor,  being unashamed of who he is and what he stands for are characteristics that is hard to come by.

We both keep each other going and motivated knowing despite everything, we still have someone out there that understands and doesn't judge. 

We accept and like each other for exactly who we are and don't have to hide our true selves around each other. 

I hope we can continue these weekend getaways in the future. 

Another friend who recently found a new job commented she found I was a lot more positive than I previously was.

She is right. 

I have let go completely and am okay to just forget and move on. 

Life is too short so let's not waste any more time than I have already. 

In the heat of the moment I'm stubborn. 

Seeing a similar situation unfold with my best friend gave me perspective of how foolish I was acting and come to the realization of how the other party may have felt. 

For once, I actually do regret some of my actions.

I could have responded better and acted more mature but I let my emotions get the best of me. 

Now I pay the consequences and I've come to accept everything. 

Yes there are still insecurities and hidden trigger points but I have come to just focus on the positives and not let anything else bring me down. 

I am much happier. 

-- 30.5.16 --

趁我還愛你,你可以不要錯過我嗎?

當愛情來的太快,有些人畏懼改變。

只是朋友吧、保持現在的關係比較好。

即使表面否定了愛的感覺，它還是會產生一股看不見得反作用力，推動著你前進直到你發現它的存在。

如果不想把遺憾留到未來，請就試著想像這是世界的最後八秒鐘。

在每個愛的當下請及時把握。

這一刻，愛吧！

我那麼喜歡你，你可以也喜歡我嗎？

From 這一刻，愛吧！

When love arrives so suddenly, some people are scared of change.

Just be friends, better keep to the status quo. 

Despite appearing to dismiss the feeling of love, it will still create an invisible reaction, pushing you forward till you acknowledge its existence.

If you do not want to have any regrets in the future, please try to pretend this is the world's last eight second.

In front of every moment of love, please make the most of it.

In this moment, love!

I really like you, can you like me too?

Open minded

Learning to keep my mind open. 

Scared as I may be, I won't get anywhere in life without living a little.
So here I am, open to suggestions, trying not to be skeptical.
Not letting what used to bother me get to me.
Exercising my circle of control and changing the way I react to things. 

Learning to let go all together.
Learning to start again.
Learning to be brave.

-- 20.5.16 --

Jealous - Labrinth

Jealous by Labrinth

Original by Labrinth

Cover by Daniel de Bourg 

Acoustic Cover by Will Gittens

As I sink in the sand

Watch you slip through my hands

Oh, as I die here another day, yeah

Cause all I do is cry behind this smile

I wished you the best of

All this world could give

And I told you when you left me

There's nothing to forgive

But I always thought you'd come back

Tell me all you found was

Heartbreak and misery

It's hard for me to say

I'm jealous of the way

You're happy without me

------------------------

I am jealous 

Jealous I can't be the one to make you happy

Jealous I can't be the one by your side

Jealous I can no longer feel your touch

Jealous I am not the now nor the future

Jealous your talks of "we" no longer mean you and me

Jealous your name is no longer linked to mine

-- 14.5.16 --

∮15 成全 Step Aside - 劉若英 Rene Liu

成全 Step Aside - 劉若英 Rene Liu

Composer 作曲 陳小霞 Salsa Chen

Lyricist 作詞 施立/陳沒 Li Shi / Mo Chen

看著你和她走到我面前　微笑地對我說聲　好久不見

Watching you and her walk towards me, smiling and said to me "long time no see" 

如果當初沒有我的成全　是不是今天還在原地盤旋

If I had not stepped aside originally, will we still be going around in circles

不為了勉強可笑的尊嚴　所有的悲傷丟在　分手那天

Not for the sake of the laughable pride, dumped all the pain on the day we broke up

未必永遠才算愛得完全　一個人的成全　好過三個人的糾結

Forever does not necessarily mean to love to the fullest, some one stepping aside is better than three people vacillating

我對你付出的青春這麼多年　換來了一句　謝謝妳的成全

I invested so many years of my youth in you, in return I got from you "thank you for stepping aside"

成全了你的瀟灑與冒險　成全了我的碧海藍天

Let you go to venture and be free, let me soar to find my blue skies

她許你的海誓山盟蜜語甜言　我只有一句　不後悔的成全

She gave you sweet promises, I leave you with just one sentence "step aside with no regrets"

成全了你的今天與明天　成全了我的下個夏天

Stepping aside for your today and tomorrow, stepping aside for my next summer

-----------------------------------

I came across this song while watching the TV show - 滾石愛情故事 Rock Records In Love (Episode 4).
This series consists of 20 episodes directed by 15 directors and 10 screenwriters that transformed 20 classic Rock Records songs into love stories.
This episode follows a young couple who meet in drama class and fell in love.
I particularly love the scene where the lead male and lead female were only friends who got slightly tipsy in the classroom and started sharing their personal lives and feelings.
The vulnerability and trust between the characters were convincingly portrayed.
The guy let his guard down and told the girl about what pains him - his mum being in another relationship, seeing his mum being intimate with her new partner, his father's passing.
The girl comforts him by trying to get him to see another perspective, questioning him whether he wishes for his mum to be happy but also acknowledging and validating his feelings.
It was this night the chemistry between the two changed.
In life we are lucky to meet someone who is willing to listen, to understand, to care, to be there for one another and share both the happiness but also the pain.

Like all dramas, something always goes wrong and this young love turns sour when the guy cheats on the girl with her best friend.
The girl did not cause a fuss nor beg the guy to leave her friend, instead she left the guy after slapping him across the face.
Fast forward the girl is now a successful career woman and encounters the guy at a less ideal situation, tripping over and landing flat on her face.
The guy questions why the girl left things the way she did, and did she love him at all.
The girl responds that she stepped aside for herself.
Later she makes the comment "有時候愛的方式不是靠近，而是保持距離" sometimes to love is not being close but to keep your distance.
This applies to love for the other person, but also self love.
It comes hand in hand with two principles I firmly believe:
- To love someone, you need to love yourself first
- You should love someone how they wish to be loved, not how you think they should be loved.
Despite how much I loved K, he had made his decision, to love him and myself was to let him go.
Despite how much I wish to be with my friend, I have to keep my distance as that is what he wants and I also need to focus on myself more.
Don't get me wrong, this does not mean I am someone who gives up easily.
Had I known there was the slightest chance they would change their mind, I would give it all I've got and fight for the two of us even if they have given up.
Both know how stubborn I may be.

I no longer am waiting around and hoping for something to happen.
A friend's analysis of my previous predicament has provided an alternative perspective on my friends' action which has helped me move on a bit more.
I let my pessimism get the best of me and assume the worse of myself.
I fail to love myself and always put others first.
I forget to love someone how they wish to be loved and my love becomes a burden.
Time and time again, I need to learn to love myself before getting emotionally invested in anyone else.
As hard as it may be, I am keeping my distance and getting accustomed to how things were before everything happened.
I have no regrets confessing and doing everything I did.
There is no point dwelling on the "what ifs" and what could have been.
I am proud of my courage, glad I felt the feelings, and thankful to have loved.

No one knows what the future holds.

No one can promise forever and never changing heart.
Single to relationship, relationship to marriage, marriage to divorce, divorce to single, single to new relationship. 

We jump onto the carousel to experience the journey while hoping when it stops, we leave with a smile. 

I am learning to smile no matter where I get off.

-- 8.5.16 --

La Douleur Exquise

The exquisite pain of wanting someone that you know you can never have, and knowing that you will still try to be with them.

The Past came creeping back...

All I want - Kodaline

All I want is nothing more

To hear you knocking at my door

Cause if I could see your face once more

I could die a happy man I am sure

When you said your last goodbye

I died a little bit inside

I lay in tears in bed all night

Alone without you by my side

But if you loved me

Why did you leave me

Take my body

Take my body

All I want is

And all I need is

To find somebody

Find somebody

Cause you brought out the best of me

A part of me I never see

You took my soul and wiped it clean

Our love was made for movie screens

But if you loved me 

Why did you leave me

Take my body

Take my body

All I want is

All I need is

To find somebody 

Find somebody

If you loved me

Why did you leave me

Take my body

Take my body

All I want is

And all I need is 

To find somebody

Find somebody

Like you

--------------------------

It has been over 2 years since K and I last spoke.
One would think and hope that I have moved on but in reality he will forever hold a place in my heart.
K influenced me to become the person I am today, for better or worse who knows?
Call it a moment of weakness, call it an emotional relapse, call it an impulse, earlier this week I reached out to K. 

It is the second time I had a nightmare about K being bed bound and in a lot of pain.
Likely spurred by reading of 「Me Before You」by Jojo Moyes, I woke sweating and shaking in fear with an urge to check up on him.
Before I could stop myself I had messaged him "Hi, how are you?".
His response was surprisingly prompt and asked if everything was alright with me since we haven't spoken in over two years.
I reassured him I was alright, simply wanted to know how he was doing and apologized for disturbing him.
His next reply brought out the waterworks and the all too familiar pain in my chest.

He said:
- If I ever need help he will always be here for me.
- I need to stop worrying and thinking about him, I have my own life to live and to try live more happily.
- I need to stop apologising to others, I'm not the one at fault a lot of times and actually am the one people should apologise to, him included.
- I need to have more confidence.
- As time goes by he realises and appreciates more my kindness and forgiveness.
- He wishes me forever happiness.

Though he never answered my question of whether he was okay, I knew I should not pursue that topic.
Who am I to be the one worrying about him?
I am his past and shall remain in his past.
It is his wife and family that will be by his side, all I can do now is but wish him joy and happiness and be thankful for the cherished moments shared.
That night I felt the emotional baggage drifting away along the current of my tears.
The pain was there, but there was something more.
Closure.

I do not need to know why he left her for me anymore.
I do not need to know whether his decision was right or wrong.
I let go of the hope that one day we could pick up where we left off (yes, despite all the reassurances I gave to my friends, I can't deny that the thought has not crossed my mind).
I really forgive him.
I moved on.

I may relapse, that is perfectly fine.
I have accepted the past and am finally breaking free of the emotional shackles I locked myself up in.

All that I had wanted is now in the past.
All I want now is finding my happiness.
I want to be my own happiness.
I want to be truly happy.

-- 20.4.16 --