The Past came creeping back...

All I want - Kodaline

All I want is nothing more

To hear you knocking at my door

Cause if I could see your face once more

I could die a happy man I am sure

When you said your last goodbye

I died a little bit inside

I lay in tears in bed all night

Alone without you by my side

But if you loved me

Why did you leave me

Take my body

Take my body

All I want is

And all I need is

To find somebody

Find somebody

Cause you brought out the best of me

A part of me I never see

You took my soul and wiped it clean

Our love was made for movie screens

But if you loved me 

Why did you leave me

Take my body

Take my body

All I want is

All I need is

To find somebody 

Find somebody

If you loved me

Why did you leave me

Take my body

Take my body

All I want is

And all I need is 

To find somebody

Find somebody

Like you

--------------------------

It has been over 2 years since K and I last spoke.
One would think and hope that I have moved on but in reality he will forever hold a place in my heart.
K influenced me to become the person I am today, for better or worse who knows?
Call it a moment of weakness, call it an emotional relapse, call it an impulse, earlier this week I reached out to K. 

It is the second time I had a nightmare about K being bed bound and in a lot of pain.
Likely spurred by reading of 「Me Before You」by Jojo Moyes, I woke sweating and shaking in fear with an urge to check up on him.
Before I could stop myself I had messaged him "Hi, how are you?".
His response was surprisingly prompt and asked if everything was alright with me since we haven't spoken in over two years.
I reassured him I was alright, simply wanted to know how he was doing and apologized for disturbing him.
His next reply brought out the waterworks and the all too familiar pain in my chest.

He said:
- If I ever need help he will always be here for me.
- I need to stop worrying and thinking about him, I have my own life to live and to try live more happily.
- I need to stop apologising to others, I'm not the one at fault a lot of times and actually am the one people should apologise to, him included.
- I need to have more confidence.
- As time goes by he realises and appreciates more my kindness and forgiveness.
- He wishes me forever happiness.

Though he never answered my question of whether he was okay, I knew I should not pursue that topic.
Who am I to be the one worrying about him?
I am his past and shall remain in his past.
It is his wife and family that will be by his side, all I can do now is but wish him joy and happiness and be thankful for the cherished moments shared.
That night I felt the emotional baggage drifting away along the current of my tears.
The pain was there, but there was something more.
Closure.

I do not need to know why he left her for me anymore.
I do not need to know whether his decision was right or wrong.
I let go of the hope that one day we could pick up where we left off (yes, despite all the reassurances I gave to my friends, I can't deny that the thought has not crossed my mind).
I really forgive him.
I moved on.

I may relapse, that is perfectly fine.
I have accepted the past and am finally breaking free of the emotional shackles I locked myself up in.

All that I had wanted is now in the past.
All I want now is finding my happiness.
I want to be my own happiness.
I want to be truly happy.

-- 20.4.16 --