What I wish to say to you...

Hun you say your time is precious, mine is too..
You say we get our dates and we get to talk but by the time you get to me you're so tired and can't give it your all..
I dont want you to be exhausted so I just end the date short..
I've been waiting for you all this time..
It seems like I'm constantly waiting in this relationship..

Maybe 6 months doesnt mean much to you but it means a lot to me..
I want to celebrate us being together, us defeating the odds and it was suppose to be our date day but when you asked if you could play games with the guys I knew your heart and mind was elsewhere.
I reminded you so many times, hinted and blatantly told you it was our 6 months but you didnt seem to care..
You just say 6 months is nothing in comparison to the years we will spend together...
Hun, if we dont build the foundation of our relationship now, how do you expect us to be together in the future?..

You do and am willing to drop everything for me, but it's only at the point when Im upset...
When I was upset, instead of focusing on me and what was upsetting me you become frustrated.
You dont understand the way I think and feel, but instead of asking me whats wrong you try to "deal with the issue" in your way..
Whilst I appreciate you wanting to do something to make me feel better, the first step would probably be listen and try to understand instead of jumping to conclusions..
Try understand from my perspective instead of applying your logic to my perspective and circumstance.

I understand we have our differences, theres no right or wrong answers per se, but gah sometimes I really don't know how to express myself.
I have past experiences that haunt me and an inherent fear you'll leave me, it's like the way you felt when we first got together..
You have given me reassurances, but in those moments the pessimist inside reigns, my confidence plummets and I withdraw into my bubble of doubt.

You do make me so so so happy some times, and also break my heart without realising...
Is this what love is all about - the emotional rollercoaster ride of highs and lows, twists and turns?
Will you be the one to come around and see things from my perspective?
Will I be the one to change and adapt to your ways?
Which direction and ending is our journey heading towards?
Only time will tell.

Though I have been given temptation, I place my bet on you.
My heart, time and youth as the wager.
I hope to win our happily ever after.
Let's hope and pray the odds are in our favour.

I love you Hillard.
Please be my happily ever after....

~ 30.04.17 ~

I Was Made For Loving You - Tori Kelly feat. Ed Sheeran

I Was Made For Loving You by Tori Kelly feat. Ed Sheeran

A dangerous plan, just this time

A stranger's hand clutched in mine

I'll take this chance, so call me blind

I've been waiting all my life

Please don't scar this young heart

Just take my hand

I was made for loving you

Even though we may be hopeless hearts just passing through

Every bone screaming I don't know what we should do

All I know is, darling, I was made for loving you

Hold me close through the night

Don't let me go, we'll be alright

Touch my soul and hold it tight

I've been waiting all my life

I won't scar your young heart

Just take my hand

Cause I was made for loving you

Even though we may be hopeless hearts just passing through

Every bone screaming I don't know what we should do

All I know is, darling, I was made for loving you

Please don't go, I've been waiting so long

Oh, you don't even know me at all

But I was made for loving you

I was made for loving you

Even though we may be hopeless hearts just passing through

Every bone screaming I don't know what we should do

All I know is, darling, I was made for loving you

---------------------------

I hate this distance, the time wasted, the missing physical intimacy...

I just wish to close the distance and be in your arms.

I don't know what got into me, I was anxious and emotional and I just... *KABOOOM*

I do see things from your perspective and can understand your frustration...

Thank you for holding it together and having a proper discussion.

I did not expect you to say the things you did...

You are not the lovey dovey type, nor the sweet talking charmer.

The ferocity of your love and what I meant to you took me by surprise.

Despite all your teasing, you would drop everything for me and only me.
I am your priority and you are willing to move to the other side of the world for us.
My insecurities and doubts vanished.

Taking a chance on someone whom you have never met before is a gamble.
We are both gambling our hearts, time and life
Our attraction and chance encounter defies logic.
It came as a surprise to us both.
All I know is I was made for loving you.
My experiences before made me appreciate what I have.
I realise love is not about change but acceptance.
The "negative flaws" in other eyes are what makes you special in mine.
I love you for who you are.
You love me for who I am.

There are some really frustrating moments.
But my God, you make me so happy.
I hope I make you happy too.

I love you Hillard

<3

~ 16.04.17 ~

Naivety and ignorance with war - Please be okay..

My Dearest Hun is in the American military.
There is a possibility of him being deployed to Syria given the unrest and recent missile strike.
Being so far away from middle east and areas where lives are constantly being lost, I have been ignorant and naive.
I am aware of what is highlighted in the media but have been blissfully ignorant as New Zealand is far from the fighting.
The possibility of H being deployed and being in harms way terrifies me...
I wish the world doesn't operate in a way that innocent lives are sacrificed for the greed and gain of the minority.
I try to hold it together in front of him but I'm so scared of losing him.
When he half joked half seriously said to his brother to let me know if something does happen to him, the reality hit.
I hate my powerlessness and meaningless life here.
This "sanctuary" I'm in is also a cage.
A cage that stops me from being with the man I love.
While I'm here helping some rich undeserving greedy people get richer, my Love is training for a potential chemical weapon war that he has little protection against.
I do not wish to lose him and our future together.
There is so much I wish for us to experience together, even just standing physically there, face to face and embracing for the first time, something many of us take for granted.
I want to be with him.
I love him.

This distance both physical and time is so hard on me.
I don't need to be rich, just content and satisfied.
I want him here and safe, building a future together.
I want a simple happy life with H.

Please God if you are out there, keep him safe.
Keep my H safe and out of harms way.
Stop the on going conflict and suffering around the world.
Don't let the innocent spill their blood whilst the true aggressors play with the lives they are entrusted with.

Please keep him safe.
Please let us unite.
Please.

Funeral

I think I am starting to accept my death.
When I was in my teens and all through out adulthood, the thought of death has always terrified me.




Funeral background music:
- Aerith's Theme - Piano https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVvRJN2jwC0
- Kodaline - All I want

Remedy - Adele [25]

Remedy by Adele

I remember all of the things that I thought I wanted to be

So desperate to find a way out of my world and finally breathe

Right before my eyes I saw, my heart it came to life

This ain't easy it's not meant to be

Every story has its scars

When the pain cuts you deep

When the night keeps you from sleeping

Just look and you will see

That I will be your remedy

When the world seems so cruel

And your heart makes you feel like a fool

I promise you will see

That I will be, I will be your remedy

No river is too wide or too deep for me to swim to you

Come whenever I'll be the shelter that won't let the rain come through

Your love, it is my truth

And I will always love you

Love you

When the pain cuts you deep

When the night keeps you from sleeping

Just look and you will see

I will be, I will be

When the world seems so cruel

And your heart makes you feel like a fool

I promise you will see

That I will be, I will be, I will be

Your remedy, oh

------------------------------------------------

So... I took the plunge and booked the plane ticket! 

Eeeeek!

Had an emotional roller coaster of a week almost a fortnight ago.

I hope we are now on the same page.

It was excruciatingly hard hearing him utter words that broke my heart.

Maybe it was exhaustion from work, maybe it was hormonal emotions, maybe it was just him putting her before me...

As hard as I tried, I couldn't stop myself from crying.

It was the first time I cried in front of him whilst video chatting.

I saw the exhaustion on his face, his eyelids struggling to stay open, so I muffled my cries and bid him goodnight.

That night I poured my heart out to him, long messages baring my soul.

His response was, in hindsight, his typical response not rushing to make a decision or commit to a promise he can't keep.

Oh, I was so hurt and barely kept up the pretense I was fine at work.

I am sorry for putting you in that position but what you were doing was not fair to two woman.

Hun, I need you to pick me, no matter what, no matter when...

You cannot be there for both her and I.

I cannot stand by you if you are putting her before me.

Right now it will be hard for you, your perspective will change and I hope you will come around.

As much as I feel for her circumstances, I will not forsake our future and happiness above hers.

To me she will become you past and a part of your life I wish to have no part in.

I am giving you all of me, and I wish the same back from you.

My friend said I am independent and low maintenance, however I am extremely emotionally needy.

I agree with him.

My friend raised the point: "To him you are good to have, but nothing really lost for him if you aren't there as well."

As much as I wish to disagree with him, there is truth behind his words for you have expressed similarly so in the past.

I know you have been burnt and so am skeptical and prepared for the worst.

However, I was so surprised to learn you cried the day after I messaged you.

You are not someone who easily shed a tear and have not done so in many years.

I do not know how much of it was caused by the pain of the possibility of us separating...

I wish from the bottom of my heart that we never get to say goodbye for good... Ever...

It was a tough decision for you but a must.

A clear distinction need to be made between the past, present and future.

I am your present and hope to be your future.

The moment you said you choose me I physically felt a sense of relief.

There was a part of me that doubted whether you would or not...

Your actions and decisions just made me feel like I was not a priority in your life...

Have to remind myself that you are not used to thinking in "we" and just dealing with issues on your own, it's not me, it's you and will take time to adjust.

You have been stressed with work and the uncertainties that lie ahead.

Hope there was something I could do to help.

You deal with things differently and I respect that.

A part of me still wish that you'd open up and talk to me...

Let me in...

I am here for you Hun.

I will be your remedy.

~ 12.03.17 ~

When you are with someone, BE there with them 100% instead of fucking them around and wasting their time.

Practice what you preach.
I can't be fucked arguing.

All I have to say.

~ 6.3.17 ~

Million Reason

Million Reason - Lady Gaga

You're giving me a million reasons to let you go

You're giving me a million reasons to quit the show

You're givin' me a million reasons

Give me a million reasons

Givin' me a million reasons

About a million reasons

If I had a highway, I would run for the hills

If you could find a dry way, I'd forever be still

But you're giving me a million reasons

Give me a million reasons

Givin' me a million reasons

About a million reasons

I bow down to pray

I try to make the worst seem better

Lord, show me the way

To cut through all his worn out leather

I've got a hundred million reasons to walk away

But baby, I just need one good one to stay

Head stuck in a cycle, I look off and I stare

It's like that I've stopped breathing, but completely aware

'Cause you're giving me a million reasons

Give me a million reasons

Givin' me a million reasons

About a million reasons

And if you say something that you might even mean

It's hard to even fathom which parts I should believe

'Cause you're giving me a million reasons

Give me a million reasons

Givin' me a million reasons

About a million reasons

I bow down to pray

I try to make the worst seem better

Lord, show me the way

To cut through all his worn out leather

I've got a hundred million reasons to walk away

But baby, I just need one good one to stay

Baby I'm bleedin', bleedin'

Stay

Can't you give me what I'm needin', needin'

Every heartbreak makes it hard to keep the faith

But baby, I just need one good one

Good one, good one, good one, good one, good one

When I bow down to pray

I try to make the worst seem better

Lord, show me the way

To cut through all his worn out leather

I've got a hundred million reasons to walk away

But baby, I just need one good one, good one

Tell me that you'll be the good one, good one

Baby, I just need one good one to stay

--------------------------

I'm crying.

I don't know why I suddenly feel this way.

It's as if....

As if... I need convincing to stay...

As if... He doesn't need me in his life anymore...

As if... He could be with or without me in his life...

I am just listening to the song and crying.

The tears keep flowing.

I need him.

Simple things like having his number.

I've asked so many times now.

He doesn't feel the need to give it to me.

I am kept out of his life.

Away...

Maybe the others are right...

He is hiding things from me...

Maybe he lied about going through divorce...

Maybe I am the bit on the side...

The bit he could be without...

The bit that can be tossed aside.

I don't know anymore...

I don't know...

I just feel...

This pain in my chest.

This ever increasing insecurity.

This doubt in my mind that causes so much pain.

Little does he know.

Little does he know...

~ 22.2.17 ~