They said that time flies but you keep breaking its wings, you never fade...

~ 30.08.15 ~

Just do it!

Nike's slogan has a point.
Just do it.

A friend long ago introduced me to the concept of carpe diem - to size the day; so I did.

A lot of "firsts" this weekend including a bloody scare at the end, but I savour every moment of it.

Really amazing feeling when someone appreciates the efforts you have put in, validation is the motivator to keep going.

You never know what will happen in the future, can only be in control of the now. If you let this moment pass by, you will never have the same chance again, it may be your last chance.

To know what you want and plucking up the courage to put yourself out there, open to rejection, open to be hurt, open to be humiliated, was a hard decision for an over thinker like me.

I changed my mind so many times, but in the end desire fueled impulse took over and the words just came out of my mouth.

I am beyond happy I expressed what I really felt and was honest and upfront about it.

Guilt was at the back of my mind and probably made it hard for both of us... but I didn't want it to effect the moment.

In that moment I was truly happy, being myself and just doing what I felt I wanted.

No regrets.That's how I want to live my life.

I have accepted the current status quo and will just work on bettering myself and learn to love myself inside and out.

I want to live, love, and be loved.

#motivated

-- 29.08.15 --

Who am I?

Last week was a week filled with stress and unexpected conversations and interesting turn of events.

It began with a sudden response to attend a job Assessment Centre followed by a heart to heart with someone I truly respect and have learnt a lot from.

Reflecting on the past week I realise how fed up I am with my current situation, how stressed about work I was when I shouldn't be, and overall how disconnected I am from who I am and what I really want.

My wise friend has shared an inspiring story of the great boxer Buster Douglas. "Who the hell is he?" You might ask, well I'm sure most people are familiar with the name Mike Tyson (even auto correct had his name come up after I typed Mike!). Long story short, Buster was able to defeat Mike at an event where the odds were stacked against him. Obviously he had to have talent to even get in the same ring as Mike Tyson, but what won him the fight was his belief and determination. Believing in himself that he could accomplish what seemed an impossible task. It highlights "success" has a lot to do with the mind. This is a valuable lesson I have learnt from my friend.

Another important lesson my friend has taught me was the importance of finding and loving yourself. Yes, I may appear to be bubbly and positive and easily fit in with other people, but I need to let the real me come out. I need to know who I am and not who I think people want me to be. Happiness and love come from within.

My friend made me realise how passive the real me has become. Even though I am appearing to be confident in some aspects to people, but I shut people out really easily and put up my guards. My instinctual response to conflict is to initiate flight response. Avoidance.

Over the weekend I went swimming. In the cool water I was relaxed but also managed to challenged myself by doing more laps. I was in control of my body and push myself harder.

Slowly but surely I'm connecting with the real me and learning to love myself.

Love

Happiness

-- 18.08.15 --

Honesty

One trait I value and try to hold onto the most is honesty.

Being honest with people I interact with
Being honest with who I am
Being honest with my faults
Being honest with how I feel

It's not easy to open up and admit to others how you feel
But I trust
Some may call it naive, giving someone the knife that they may one day stab you with
But I trust

So I'm honest to a fault
I often end up hurting
But it's okay, I have no regrets.

My biggest fear
Regret.

-- 11.08.15 --

Illusion

An illusion of hope, happiness, dreams and aspirations
Covering the ugly truth of reality
You try to supplement your life with activities, gatherings, and materialistic things to keep busy
But the sad reality is you still feel cold and alone
You recall that once honest and heartfelt phrase "you will never be alone because I will always be here for you"
Only to look around and see the voids of emptiness around you

I miss you, the emotions I felt around you, the naivety of just believing everything you said and being able to share everything with you
It is all but memories now... 
Memories of illusions I created for myself...
Illusions of happiness
Illusion of love and belonging to someone
Illusion of escaping reality...
Illusion of my safety net...

The future felt so obtainable, bright, warm and hopeful when I was with you
Now it is cloudy, unknown, unobtainable, frightening...
Do I even dare to hope and build up expectations when I feel like they are doomed from the get go?
Suppressing the urge to just leap at the possibility and chance of happiness because I know the urge is fueled by my desire to escape...
Escape the negativity within me...
My fears and insecurities...

My mind is out of my control
My imagination exacerbates the chaos within me
Just losing control and wanting to give up...

How do I escape?...
Must I do everything alone?...
Prepared for loneliness but can't suppress the desire to feel loved again...
His crushing words that those 6 years may not have been "love", was it an illusion?..
The painful memories of our last days together douses the fire within me...

Do I even know how to love?
Do I love myself?...
Am I capable of love?...

-- 04.08.15 --