Illusion

An illusion of hope, happiness, dreams and aspirations
Covering the ugly truth of reality
You try to supplement your life with activities, gatherings, and materialistic things to keep busy
But the sad reality is you still feel cold and alone
You recall that once honest and heartfelt phrase "you will never be alone because I will always be here for you"
Only to look around and see the voids of emptiness around you

I miss you, the emotions I felt around you, the naivety of just believing everything you said and being able to share everything with you
It is all but memories now... 
Memories of illusions I created for myself...
Illusions of happiness
Illusion of love and belonging to someone
Illusion of escaping reality...
Illusion of my safety net...

The future felt so obtainable, bright, warm and hopeful when I was with you
Now it is cloudy, unknown, unobtainable, frightening...
Do I even dare to hope and build up expectations when I feel like they are doomed from the get go?
Suppressing the urge to just leap at the possibility and chance of happiness because I know the urge is fueled by my desire to escape...
Escape the negativity within me...
My fears and insecurities...

My mind is out of my control
My imagination exacerbates the chaos within me
Just losing control and wanting to give up...

How do I escape?...
Must I do everything alone?...
Prepared for loneliness but can't suppress the desire to feel loved again...
His crushing words that those 6 years may not have been "love", was it an illusion?..
The painful memories of our last days together douses the fire within me...

Do I even know how to love?
Do I love myself?...
Am I capable of love?...

-- 04.08.15 --