My Ultimate Fear

Death and dying alone.

I confided in K many a times when I had nightmares about death.
Despite how open society may be, death is still somewhat a taboo subject.
I am terrified of the fact that one day I will cease to exist.
I do not know for certain whether there is an afterlife and what happens after "death".
Accompanied with death is fear of dying alone.
I love the people around me and do not wish to part from them.
I used to have discussions with K as to who we would rather go first.
K used to say he wish to go first because he couldn't cope with losing me, but he also said he goes second because he does not wish for me to be in pain.
Those were our naive innocent days.
At the end of the day it is easier being the one who walks away first.

Now I try avoid thinking about death.
It is always going to be the unknown.
Depending on what is after death some might wish for a longer "life" or simply "don't die" but that is outside our control.

The worst moment before death would be thinking about regrets. 

I don't want any regrets.

Carpe diem.

-- 26.2.17 --

Say Love

But you just say I'm perfect

Say I'm pretty

Say I'm worth it

But if you really care for me

Say love

I want you to say love

I want you to say love

When I say "love you"

You just say "me too"

But I want you to say love

It feels like we can't get out of first

When we do it's like we're stuck in reverse, oh

Cause where I wana be is far apart

From where we are, from where we are

And I thought I found the place where we could start

Talk from the heart, talk from the heart

Say Love - Jojo

-- 26.2.16 --

Save My Soul

A moth to a candle

That's me to you

I was never this fragile

Or consumed

I'm covered in shrapnel

Through and Through

And I wish I knew how to

Hate you

I try to wash the scars and marks from under my skin

But you're etched in me like stone

Save My Soul - Jojo

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I don't know what to do.

I thought it through and through but emotions defy logic.

I'm the inflamed moth, slowly burning but not wanting to leave your side.

I am an addict, you're the drug that I keep going back to.

I feel like a fool, repeating the same things over and over again...

It is not to get it out of my system, it is to get through to you.

You say you choose me but your actions say otherwise.

Your closure, my pain.

Let time once again heal my wounds.

Let pain teach me yet another lesson.

-- 26.2.16--

The Hardest Part

I could feel it go down

Bittersweet, I could taste in my mouth

Silver lining the cloud

Oh and I

I wish that I could work it out

And the hardest part

Was letting go, not taking part

You really broke my heart

And I tried to sing

But I couldn't think of anything

And that was the hardest part

Everything I know is wrong

Everything I do, it's just comes undone

And everything is torn apart

Oh and it's the hardest part

That's the hardest part

Yeah that's the hardest part

That's the hardest part

-- 26.2.16 --

原來你什麼都不想要

I will put on my disguise again.
I will pretend I'm okay.

I will not be like my father.
Love is loving the person how they wish to be loved not how you want to love them.

If he wants nothing at all, as painful as it may be, I will accept it.
I just wish for him to be happy.

His happiness is my happiness.

-- 25.2.16 --

Thank You

Thank you.

Thank you for not choosing the easy way out.
Thank you for being honest.
Thank you for being considerate.
Thank you for noticing.
Thank you for not going ahead with something that we both will regret.
Thank you for holding back and thinking for me when my mind was clouded.
Thank you for putting up with the emotional me.
Thank you for putting me on a pedestal I don't deserve.
Thank you for making me realise my errors and shortcomings.
Thank you for motivating me.
Thank you for telling me not to go that low.
Thank you for making me laugh.
Thank you for not giving me false hope and being mindful.
Thank you for everything.
Thank you for being you.

Thank you.

-- 21.2.16 --

Emotionally Unstable

Constantly changing between wanting something to happen and backing away due to my insecurities and fears.
Wanting to be bold and just make a move, but also scared of pushing you away and losing you.
Thinking I was prepare and the "experienced" one but in reality I'm the one with the baggage and scars from my previous relationship...
Being tough and independent on the outside but in reality I'm emotionally unstable and wanting someone to rely on...

What I told you yesterday was but the surface.
You don't realise how insecure and emotionally unstable and an over thinker I really am...
I plan my day around you, hang around and put everything on hold for you, and when you go ahead without me I feel like I'm just intruding and unwanted...
Feels like my time doesn't matter to you and I'm just always on standby waiting for you to tell me where to go...
I do this to myself I know, I make time for you and you don't even appreciate or realise...
You say you appreciate me, but actions speak louder than words.
I was starting to allow myself to trust and to rely on you but then instantly it backfires.
I asked you for a lift which I never ask of others because I was not feeling well and don't like driving after swimming when I'm tired.
Little did I know you have gone ahead without me as usual and I'm just the stupid girl with her one sided feelings that's doing the chasing...
I feel so stupid and unwanted...

I don't know why I peeled the prawn for you, sorry for making it awkward...
While waiting to wash my hands I thought of K and it made me sad...
K used to always peel prawns for me and I used to be the one that is being pampered, taken care of and loved...
What is wrong with me right now?
Doing these stupid unwanted things that is just not like a girl and just...
I am stupid and unwanted.

Last night when you wouldn't answer whether we are having boardgames or wii or not I was annoyed...
I felt I was imposing again and annoyed at both you but more at myself.
I was annoyed at you because you are being distant again.
I was then annoyed at myself because I know the reason why you are being distant is because of my stupid feelings.
As little and insignificant as it may be, that verbal invite does matter.
I know you are shy, I know you want me to be more confident and part of the group, but I wish you could tell me that I'm wanted...
Be it at boardgames or basketball.
That you actually WANT me there and not me imposing myself...
Like after the first bball game your instagram post...
I don't want "sorry for bothering you", I want "thank you I appreciate and want you there".
I got used to imposing myself on you, on your family and just treating your house as the place we always go to for boardgames and meet ups.
The last thing I want is to impose and I caught myself doing it last night...
Instead of you inviting us over, I imposed and was upset with myself...
Just like I did with the Rotorua trip...
You mention something and I just assume and invite my unwanted self...
What is wrong with me...

I really enjoy going to watch you play basketball.
I love how animated and excited you are after a game.
You try to play it off cool, but even after a bad game you are still more outspoken and being yourself and true with your emotions.
You are too harsh on yourself, it's a team game and you got to be more confident and recognize the good plays that you set up too.
Though you are unconfident, you have the knowledge and I really like seeing you starting to come out of your shell more.
Basketball is the gateway.
In a way, I feel like basketball is "our" thing...
I want you to play for yourself but you saying you are playing for me really touched me and I appreciate it more than you know.
I like doing the bench.
I like unashamedly watching you on the courts.
I like watching you have fun.
I like seeing you push yourself.
I like you giving it your all.
I like you starting to trust your teammates.
I like seeing the tactician coming out and you setting up plays.
I like your cheeky smile throughout the game, especially after a foul :P
I like supporting you.
I like being there for you.
I like you...

When you said I am 2/3 I was shocked but didn't say anything.
I would never use the words "beauty" or "brains" on myself.
Thank you for your very kind words but also not sugar coating anything because I know figure is something I'm lacking and definitely a source of my insecurity.
Though others have commented on the change in my appearance, I have a goal in mind.
I want to achieve it for myself, but I know a big part of it I'm doing it for you.
You are the unknowing motivator that keeps me going.
Knowing I'm a foodie and sweet tooth, you know how hard it is for me to resist temptation.
I have done pretty well so far and hope that when I've built up my confidence and am emotionally stable you will be ready too...
I really really really like you and believe we can work.
For now, #bestie will just have to do.

-- 20.2.16 --

I Like You

When will I have the courage to utter those three words to you?...
It is so much easier confessing to an inanimate object than you...
You drive me loco half the time yet I somehow always end up with an uncontrollable smile on my face.

Unknowingly you encourage me to better myself.
You are wiser than you give yourself credit for.
Saying the right things be it a reality check or boost of confidence I need.
I really do appreciate every moment spent with you.
It is hard for me to let my guard down but I just do with you...
All your gentlemanly gestures, manly moments, you don't even realize how much they mean to me.
Your boyish playful side keeps me on my toes and there is never a dull moment when you are around.

You are not a ghost.
You are the one that I notice in the crowd.
You are the one I first look at.
You are the one I wish to share everything with.
You are the one I wish to understand.
You are the one I cannot stop caring for.
You are the one I like.

-- 11.02.16 --