Save Me From Myself by Christina Aguilera
It's not so easy loving me
It gets so complicated
All the things you've gotta be
Everything's changin'
But you're the truth
I'm amazed by all your patience
Everything I put you through
When I'm about to fall
Somehow you're always waitin'
With your open arms to catch me
You're gonna save me from myself
From myself, yes
You're gonna save me from myself
My love is tainted by your touch
'Cause some guys have shown me aces
But you've got that royal flush
I know it's crazy everyday
Well, tomorrow may be shaky
But you never turn away
Don't ask me why I'm cryin'
'Cause when I start to crumble
You know how to keep me smilin'
You always save me from myself
From myself, myself
You're gonna save me from myself
I know it's hard, it's hard
But you've broken all my walls
You've been my strength, so strong
And don't ask me why I love you
It's obvious your tenderness
Is what I need to make me
A better woman to myself
To myself, myself
You're gonna save me from myself
-----------------------------
This song has a special place in my heart since the first time I heard it.
Christina Aguilera has always been my favourite singer from when I was young.
The first CD I owned was Christina Aguilera's self titled album followed by Linkin Park's Meteora.
Both CDs currently sit in my car as my go to CDs along with Coldplay.
When my insecurities get out of control I become a crazy person.
I need a partner that not only allows me to trust him but also make me feel safe.
I need someone who understands me completely.
He needs to recognise when I revert to my insecure mind and he needs to drag me out of that rut.
I need someone who is patient and can see my logic and reasons, and knows how to communicate with me.
I am not unreasonable, I listen to my partner and generally do sway in my opinion but he too needs to listen and compromise.
I am so fortunate to be with someone who has not ran away from the "serious talks" we've had so far.
From the bottom of my heart I really do hope H is the one I promise "till death do us part".
When I decide to go into a relationship, I go in with the mindset that it will be my last.
Be it one month, three months or years, I will do what I can to make the relationship work.
With H I was unprepared.
I never expect myself at this age to fall for someone I never meet in person before.
I never expect myself to be in a long distance relationship, let alone with someone in the military.
His life is so different and far away from mine...
It makes me nervous and insecure when I am faced with uncertainties and cannot picture what it is like in his life.
I missed the stability to his routine when he was back in Japan.
He had a role which he excelled in, despite the annoyance of bureaucracies and idiotic coworkers/supervisors.
I am forever counting down the months till we can begin a real physical relationship of being in each other's life on a daily basis.
I really wish to feel his arms wrapped around me, to be lost in the moment and in one another's presence.
I will be such an emotional mess when I first see and hug him.
Right now I have to settle with just having what ever little contact he has chosen to give me.
I do not wish to be needy or demanding, I understand he has his priorities.
Unfortunately for me, I am not at the top of the priority list right now.
The plans I envisioned of meeting up this year may not come true, it is dictated by someone else.
I try to not let the prospect of "deployment" bring me down and try look at the positives.
No need to worry about what I have no control over, right?
My God, it is hard.
He has insecurities and his demons and skeletons in the closet.
He has already opened up about the "big things" but there is still so much I wish to know.
Time and patience, I need to keep reminding myself.
I have my own issues and he has been very understanding and unfazed by what I have told him so far.
Sometimes I do wonder is he even listening? Does he even care about me?...
I make excuses and pretend it is universal and not just with me. .
I do wish he would be more interested...
I do not like sorrys.
Maybe he genuinely forgot.
Just have to remind myself to not dwell on the disappointment and not take it personally.
Gah...
It is late and I am tired...
Shall finish this tomorrow...
Maybe...
~30.01.17 ~
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