∮6 你要的愛 The love you want - 戴佩妮 Penny Tai

你要的愛 The love you want by 戴佩妮 Penny Tai

戴佩妮 你要的愛

Original Chinese lyrics and my English translation/interpretation of the lyrics:

你要的愛 - 戴佩妮

Lyrics/作詞：戴佩妮 / Penny Tai
Composer/作曲：戴佩妮 / Penny Tai

雖然經常夢見妳 還是毫無頭緒
Though I often dream of you, still cannot make sense of it
外面正在下著雨 今天是星期幾
It is raining outside, which day is today
But I don't know 你去那裡
But I don't know, where you went

雖然不曾懷疑你 還是忐忑不定
Though never doubted you, still anxious and uncertain
誰是你的那個唯一 原諒我懷疑自己
Who is your one, forgive me for suspecting it could be me

我明白 我要的愛 會把我寵壞
I understand, the love I want will spoil me
像一個小孩 只懂在你懷裡壞
Like a child, just want to snuggle in your embrace

你要的愛 不只是依賴
The love you want, is not just to be relied upon
要像個大男孩 風吹又日曬 生活自由自在
Like a grown up boy, battered by the winds and sun, living freely

雖然不曾懷疑你 還是忐忑不定
Though never doubted you, still anxious and uncertain
誰是你的那個唯一 原諒我懷疑自己
Who is your one, forgive me for suspecting it could be me

我明白 我要的愛 會把我寵壞
I understand, the love I want will spoil me
像一個小孩 只懂在你懷裡壞
Like a child, just want to snuggle in your embrace

你要的愛 不只是依賴
The love you want, is not just to be relied upon
要像個大男孩 風吹又日曬 生活自由自在
Like a grown up boy, battered by the winds and sun, living freely

我明白 我要的愛 會把我寵壞
I understand, the love I want will spoil me
像一個小孩 只懂在你懷裡壞
Like a child, just want to snuggle in your embrace 

你要的愛 不只是依賴
The love you want, is not just to be relied upon
要像個大男孩 風吹又日曬 生活自由自在
Like a grown up boy, battered by the winds and sun, living freely
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
This song has so much sentimental value to it.
It is the theme song to the Taiwanese drama - Meteor Garden.

Growing up this used to be the song we used to always sing at karaoke, walking home, or just humming in the shower.

It has such simplistic tune and lyrics, yet it touches you. 

At the time you associate moments from the drama to the song, but after experiencing my own relationship, it hits me on a different level...

In a relationship you start expecting things, wanting things, start playing tug-of-war of give and take. 

Really don't know how to think or feel right now... 

Just have to take everything one step at a time and go with the flow I guess?

Sometimes I really hate playing games... to hard to figure out the best next step when you're in the midst of it all...

-- 12.05.15 --

∮5 碎片 Shards/Shattered Pieces - 梁心頤 Lara

碎片 Shards by 梁心頤 Lara

Lara碎片

Original Chinese lyrics and my English translation/interpretation of the lyrics:

碎片 - 梁心頤

Lyrics/作詞：梁心頤
Composer/作曲：張傑

感情像房子 用故事建立
Relationships are like houses, built from stories
隨著細節而印上了含義
Finding meaning through the little things
一層一層剝開我的心 地基就是你
Peeling the layers of my heart, the core is you 
每個角落都有愛住過的痕跡
In every nook and cranny you can find traces of love's lingering presence

我們像太靠桌邊的玻璃瓶
We are like glass bottles too close to the table ledge
輕輕一碰就失去平衡著地
A little bump will cause it to lose balance and fall
再堅固的形狀一瞬間成為了曾經
Even the strongest shape will instantly become the past
原來分手比想像中還更容易
Breaking up is easier than expected

回憶是數不清的隱形碎片
Memories are countless invisible shards
割進身體最脆弱那個房間
Cutting into the body's most fragile room
就連自己都沒察覺
Don't even detect it yourself
為何不經意在失血
Losing blood without realising
癒合只是表面
Only the surface healed


一隻黑襪子 一張無殼CD
A single black sock, a single caseless CD
都是你離開了的反覆提醒
Are constant reminders of your absence
什麼時候才能夠呼吸 沒你的空氣
When can I start breathing air without you 
什麼時候才能有自由的平靜
When can I enjoy the freedom of serenity 

回憶是數不清的隱形碎片
Memories are countless invisible shards

割進身體最脆弱那個房間
Cutting into the body's most fragile room
就連自己都沒察覺
Don't even detect it yourself
為何不經意在失血
Losing blood without realising
癒合只是表面
Only the surface healed

回憶是數不清的隱形碎片
Memories are countless invisible shards
割進身體最脆弱那個房間
Cutting into the body's most fragile room
以為自己早已復原
Thought I had recovered
為何不時還會滲血
Why does blood still sometimes seep through
癒合只是表面
Only the surface healed 

回憶是數不清的隱形碎片
Memories are countless invisible shards
割進身體最脆弱那個房間
Cutting into the body's most fragile room
數不清的隱形碎片
Countless invisible shards

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Slowly, I am removing the broken shards and piecing it together to form a jar called the past.
Like a shattered glass you will never be able to piece it together perfectly like how it was before.
The bigger and protruding pieces have been removed, what remains is the little shards.
Specific little movement triggers the small shards to cause pain that thankfully is less than what their larger counterparts caused...

Like scabs that form on wounds, the heart will build a thick wall to protect itself from allowing the remaining shards to cause further damage.
This new heart somehow manages to have blood pumping through it again, there is hope... 
But its hard to trust... to place your heart inside another jar and expose it to the possibility of being dropped and shattered again...

What to do?... 

-- 10.05.15 --

A different perspective

2 days ago I received a letter from my dearest friend, rock, sister/brother that was written a few months ago when we experienced the loss of a colleague. A colleague that was more a friend than someone you are forced to spend time with 5 days a week. RIP F.B.

Other things were going on with both our lives and we were in a pessimistic state of mind. Our lunch times were spent complaining about our circumstances and how helpless we were. Just another cogwheel being worn and grinded down by the harsh reality. Luckily as the saying goes, time is the healer of wounds. 

We are still faced with other issues but are tackling it with less pessimism.

In the letter she wrote of kind words of how she perceived me to be. Compliments and words I would not ever flatter myself with. In this world people are so caught up with actions and often forget the importance of words, of expressing their appreciation and adoration of the people around them.

Her letter inspired me to write a letter to another close friend who currently is going through difficult times in her life. I hate that we are in different cities and I cannot physically be there to help her, to embrace her and somehow lessen the pain and speed up the painful process. I hope like the letter I received, my best friend can read it in times of self doubt and realise what an amazing person she is and everything will somehow be alright.

I am a sentimental person and keep all the cards, letters and memorabilia through the years. As I opened my bedside dresser I was faced with the box containing notes, photos and letters K and I had written one another, the necklace I had worn for over 5 years and a diary journal.

Reading the notes we exchanged instead of just sadness of our separation there were other emotions I had not expected. I felt a sense of pride, pride that I was loved and loved someone the way we did. Despite the imperfect ending, there were also moments of true love. 

Looking back I was immature, selfish and not ready for a serious relationship. We made promises to one another that we were not aware of the implication of. If I had a second chance I would do things differently but do not regret ever falling in love with him. I would not be who I am without going through all that. 

As my besty wrote, it is amazing how far I have come. I will never truly be "over" K, he will always have a place in my heart but now I can say I have moved on. Moved on from the sadness onto appreciation and eagerness to make the most of what's to come.

I am very glad I had not thrown the box out while processing the separation. I love that there are physical reminders of the 6 amazing years we spent together. He was not a fragment of my imagination and the feelings were real and mutual. When going through tough times it's great to remind yourself of what you have overcome in the past and that you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

My pursuit of happiness starts with a change of perspective.

-- 03.04.15 --

Moment of soul searching and stopping to comprehend who I've become

Just another day, turning up to work, answering calls, chasing up documents and getting through the never ending mundane work I must do to ensure I can afford the lifestyle of sipping over priced, often burnt coffee and having spur of the moment online shopping sprees.

I turned up to work with the same expectation, same shit, just another day, oh at least today is pay day. Everyday I'm faced with people who are going through some kind of difficult moment in their lives such as burglary, vehicle accidents and lost phones (believe me, people are pretty damn attached to their phones these days and get upset with the concept of any "delay" in getting their phone replaced).

As I was lodging a regular vehicle claim with a lovely friendly lady in her 50s, I had to ask the mandatory question "have you had any alcohol or drugs in the last 12 hours?".

Mostly people just laugh the question off and answer "no", this lady gave me an honest answer that I never thought I'd hear. She said in a matter-of-fact tone with the same friendly voice "oh I take medication for terminal cancer, nothing bad, just pain killers, I've accepted it and am quite open about it".

In that moment I froze and let out a gasp and snapped out of the "claims consultant" mode and actually thought about what was actually happening.

Here I am in my mid 20s wasting my life and complaining about how I wish things were different, while a stranger on the phone was actually fighting for her life and remaining so positive.

It has been nagging me for awhile, aside from slightly higher income, what am I really getting out of this secondment? I feel like I've become desensitized and cynical about the world. The people I work with are amazing, funny and supportive but at the end of the day I can't see myself doing this for the rest of my life.

Must continue to challenge myself and push myself past the boundaries to be a better me.

Be decisive and go for what I want. 

Motivated.

-- 30.03.15 --

∮4 我懷念的 What I Miss - 孫燕姿 Stefanie Sun

我懷念的 What I miss by 孫燕姿/Stefanie Sun

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wobHq2VhUUE

Original Chinese lyrics and my English translation/interpretation of the lyrics:

孫燕姿 - 我懷念的

Lyrics/ 作詞：姚若龍 Ruo-Long Yao
Composer/作曲：李偲菘 Shih Shiong Lee
Arranger/編曲：Martin Tang

我問為什麼　那女孩傳簡訊給我　

I ask why that girl messages me 

而你為什麼　不解釋低著頭沉默

Why don't you offer any explanation, just silently lowering your head
我該相信你很愛我　不願意敷衍我　
I should believe you really love me, don't want to brush me off

還是明白你已不想挽回什麼

Or should I take it as you don't want to salvage anything 

想問為什麼　我不再是你的快樂　

Want to ask why I am no longer your happiness

可是為什麼　卻苦笑說我都懂了

But why, just bitterly smile and say I understand
自尊常常將人拖著　把愛都走曲折　
Pride often drags you down, take love on a twisted journey

假裝了解是怕　真相太赤裸裸

Pretending to understand because of fear of the naked truth

狼狽比失去難受

Being helpless is more painful than losing 

我懷念的是無話不說　

I miss bearing our souls to each other

我懷念的是一起做夢

I miss dreaming together
我懷念的是爭吵以後　還是想要愛你的衝動

I miss after the argument, the urge to still love you
我記得那年生日　也記得那一首歌

I remember that year's birthday, and remember that song
記得那片星空　最緊的右手　最暖的胸口
Remember that starry night, tightly held right hand, warmest nook

誰記得　誰忘了

Who remembers Who forgot

想問為什麼　我不再是你的快樂　

Want to ask why I am no longer your happiness

可是為什麼　卻苦笑說我都懂了

But why, just bitterly smile and say I understand
自尊常常將人拖著　把愛都走曲折　
Pride often drags you down, takes love down a twisted path

假裝了解是怕　真相太赤裸裸

Pretending to understand because of fear of the naked truth

狼狽比失去難受

Feeling loss is more bearable than being helpless 

我懷念的是無話不說　

I miss bearing our souls to each other

我懷念的是一起做夢

I miss dreaming together
我懷念的是爭吵以後　還是想要愛你的衝動

I miss after the argument, the urge to still love you
我記得那年生日　也記得那一首歌

I remember that year's birthday, and remember that song
記得那片星空　最緊的右手　最暖的胸口
Remember that starry night, tightly held right hand, warmest nook

誰忘了
Who forgot

我懷念的是無言感動　我懷念的是絕對熾熱

I miss being speechlessly moved, I miss the undeniable passion

我懷念的是你很激動　求我原諒抱得我都痛
I miss you being frantic, hugging me that it hurts beginning for my forgiveness
我記得你在背後　也記得我顫抖著
I remember you behind me, and remember I was trembling
記得感覺洶湧　最美的煙火　最長的相擁
Remember feeling the internal turmoil, most beautiful fireworks, the longest embrace

誰愛的太自由　誰過頭太遠
Who loves too freely, who strayed too far away
誰要走我的心　誰忘了那就是承諾
Who stole my heart, who forgot that it was a vow 
誰自顧自地走　誰忘了看著我　
Who continued with their own path, who forgot to look at me
誰讓愛變沉重　誰忘了要給你溫柔
Who allowed love to become a burden, who forgot to show you tenderness

我懷念的 
What I miss

我還有想要愛你的衝動
I still have urges to love you
我記得那年生日　也記得那一首歌
I remember that year's birthday, and remember that song
記得那片星空　最緊的右手　最暖的胸口
Remember that starry night, tightly held right hand, warmest nook

我放手　我讓座　假灑脫　誰懂我多麼不捨得
I let go, gave up my place, pretended to be okay, who understands how hard it was

太愛了　所以我　沒有哭　沒有說

Love too much, so I didn't cry, didn't say anything

------------------------------------------------------------

It's been awhile since my last post.

So many songs I want to translate but just not having the motivation, time or energy to do so...

I wrote a post around a month ago in chinese summarising how I feel now towards K.

He is now but a bitter sweet memory. 

Despite putting on a mask in front of everyone, despite trying to move on and like someone else (I have no clue about dating and am doing REALLY badly...>__<") there are just countless nights where I wish I could turn back time and somehow make it work...

There is no point playing the blame game now, it is what it is, must accept and move on.

I'm trying to be brave, trying to pick myself and become more optimistic and independent and hopefully one day learn to trust and rely on someone again. 

As Taiwanese TV host and author 蔡康永 Kevin Tsai said:

"談過的戀愛,並不會像剪掉的頭髮,風一吹 就漂走了; 談過的戀愛,會變成葉片上的紋脈,腳踝上的微血管,儲存記憶,維持生命,難以察覺 但一直存在"

The relationship you go through is not like hair that has been cut, a gust of wind just blows it away; The relationships you go through will become like patterns of a leaf, like tiny veins on your ankle, storing memory, sustaining life, hard to detect, but always present.

I won't ever truly get over K, but I will learn, grow and become a better person thanks to him.

I wish him happiness and hope one day (soon would be great :P) I can find my nook, my best friend and partner in life. 

-- 15.03.15 --

至最美的回憶

上邪 (漢樂府)
上邪，我欲與君相知，長命無絕衰。
山無崚，江水為竭，冬雷震震，夏雨雪，天地合，乃敢與君絕！
     - 至最愛的人

人生中第一次收到的情書，第一次過情人節， 第一次牽著手深信這就是我的歸宿， 許許多多的第一次…如今已成了最美好的回憶。

六年多的時光晃眼就過了，曾經的點點滴滴只屬於回憶，偶爾觸景傷情時才會想起，這，就是命，就是人生吧？…

最痛的不是背叛，最痛的是你親口否決屬於你我的一切，否決愛，否決曾經支撐我活下去唯一的希望，目標，夢想…

是善良，是愛，是癡，是傻，是執著，是不願面對，到底是什麼讓我忘不了你?

曾經的甜言蜜語，海誓山盟想起時既甜蜜又痛…

以為只要兩人相親相愛就能相守到老，最終我們還是不合適，還是敗給了現實，敗給了沒好好珍惜，敗給了我的"懶"，敗給了命運…甜言蜜語終究還是甜言蜜語…

我一直都缺乏安全感，你走了，我最害怕發生的事還是發生了，我，被拋棄了…

你有你的考量，有你的無奈，有你想要追求的日子，有你的自由，有你選擇的她，我該死的理解，我自虐的接受“愛，就是成全，愛就是要讓你愛的人開心。”…

我不責怪她，不責怪你我父母，不責怪你，怪，只能怪自己。

除了接受我別無選擇。

我逼迫自己改變，努力相信痛會過的，相信一切都會好起來，一個人沒什麼不好。

我逼自己去接受他人，充實自己，為了周遭關心我的人笑，若無其事的活下去，去喜歡別人，做我認為"該做的事"…可夜深人靜時我只剩孤單的空虛感伴隨著我入睡……

現在的我在努力說服自己，告訴自己一個人過也可以很好。

人生唯一能保證不變的是獨自離開，死將終止以及解脫一切。

人獨自來到這世上，走時也是單獨一人。

謝謝你曾經讓我愛，讓我學會信任，學會依賴。

我正在努力變成樂觀，獨立，堅強的我。

希望你現在過的快樂，這樣至少我曾經做的一切都值得的。

-- 04.02.15 --

∮3 從開始到現在 From the beginning till now - 張信哲/Jeff Chang

Song for today is: 從開始到現在/From the beginning till now by 張信哲/Jeff Chang

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YU__kaNDbog

Original Chinese lyrics and my English translation/interpretation of the lyrics:

Lyrics/作詞：Francis Lee/李焯雄
Composer/作曲：Oh Seok Jun/You Hae Jun吳熙俊

如果這是最好的結局　為何我還忘不了你
If this is the best ending, why can't I forget you　
時間改變了我們 告別了單純
Time has changed us, farewelled our innocence 

如果重逢也無法繼續　失去了才算是永恆
If upon reunion we cannot pick up where we left off, to lose it will really be for eternity　
懲罰我的認真 是我太過天真 
Punishing me for taking it too seriously, I was too naive 

難道我就這樣過我的一生　我的吻註定吻不到最愛的人
Am I really going to spend the rest of my life like this, never kissing the one I love the most
為你等從一開始 盼到現在　也同樣落的不可能
To wait for your right from the beginning, still hoping, yet never possible

難道愛情可以轉交給別人　但命運註定留不住我愛的人
Can love really be passed onto someone else, but I am fated to never keep the one I love
我不能　我怎麼會願意承認　你是我不該愛的人
I cant, how do I bring myself to admit, you are not the one I should love

如果再見是為了再分　失去了才算是永恆
If upon reunion we cannot pick up where we left off, to lose it will really be for eternity
已死心的記憶為何還要再生
Why do the memories buried deep in my heart resurface

難道我就這樣過我的一生　我的吻註定吻不到最愛的人
Am I really going to spend the rest of my life like this, never kissing the one I love the most
為你等從一開始盼到現在　也同樣落的不可能
To wait for your right from the beginning, still hoping, yet never possible

難道愛情可以轉交給別人　但命運註定留不住我愛的人
Can love really be passed onto someone else, but I am fated to never keep the one I love
我不能　我怎麼會願意承認　你是我不該愛的人
I cant, how do I bring myself to admit, you are not the one I should love

拿什麼作證　從未想過愛一個人 需要那麼殘忍才證明愛的深
Using what as proof, never though to love someone requires so much cruelty to prove how deeply you loved

難道我就這樣過我的一生　我的吻註定吻不到最愛的人
Am I really going to spend the rest of my life like this, never kissing the one I love the most
為你等從一開始盼到現在　也同樣落的不可能
To wait for your right from the beginning, still hoping, yet never possible

難道愛情可以轉交給別人　但命運註定留不住我愛的人
Can love really be passed onto someone else, but I am fated to never keep the one I love
我不能　我怎麼會願意承認　你是我愛錯了的人
I cant, how do I bring myself to admit, you are the one I wrongly loved

------------------------------------------------------------

The beginning of the music video has the following blurb:
你真的忘的了你的初戀情人嗎
Can you really forget your first love
假如有一天 你遇到了跟他長的一模一樣的人
If one day you meet someone who looks exactly like them
他真的就是他嗎 還有可能嗎
Are they really the same person, is it still possible
這是命運的寬容
Is this fate's forgiveness
還是另一次不懷好意的完笑
Or another cruel joke

You will never forget your first serious relationship. Few lucky ones out there marry and spend the rest of their lives with their first love while the majority of us go through many heartaches and end up settling. Settling for the shared common goal, settling because of societal and family pressure, settling because we are afraid of dying alone... 

Young love is blind, naive yet pure. It is filled with hopes and dreams of a "happily ever after" without truly thinking of the consequences and what it takes to get there. 

As time passes, you grow older and more "mature". You may go through dating and going into relationships with someone, but you will never have that "love can conquer all" mindset. You take on responsibilities and consider every factor rather than make impulsive decisions. Reason, logic and societal pressure drives you, not love, emotions and desires.

If you had a chance with your first love, would you do things differently? Knowing what you know today, would you still love each other? There are so many things I wish I had said and done, but would "destiny" intervene and the ending stays the same?

My mind is scattered everywhere, emotions raw. How do I make sense of what happened? Why do I continue to justify everything and believe that it was simply fate and I have no choice but to accept it? Almost a year later, I still do not have an answer. 

-- 26.01.15 --