Who am I?

Last week was a week filled with stress and unexpected conversations and interesting turn of events.

It began with a sudden response to attend a job Assessment Centre followed by a heart to heart with someone I truly respect and have learnt a lot from.

Reflecting on the past week I realise how fed up I am with my current situation, how stressed about work I was when I shouldn't be, and overall how disconnected I am from who I am and what I really want.

My wise friend has shared an inspiring story of the great boxer Buster Douglas. "Who the hell is he?" You might ask, well I'm sure most people are familiar with the name Mike Tyson (even auto correct had his name come up after I typed Mike!). Long story short, Buster was able to defeat Mike at an event where the odds were stacked against him. Obviously he had to have talent to even get in the same ring as Mike Tyson, but what won him the fight was his belief and determination. Believing in himself that he could accomplish what seemed an impossible task. It highlights "success" has a lot to do with the mind. This is a valuable lesson I have learnt from my friend.

Another important lesson my friend has taught me was the importance of finding and loving yourself. Yes, I may appear to be bubbly and positive and easily fit in with other people, but I need to let the real me come out. I need to know who I am and not who I think people want me to be. Happiness and love come from within.

My friend made me realise how passive the real me has become. Even though I am appearing to be confident in some aspects to people, but I shut people out really easily and put up my guards. My instinctual response to conflict is to initiate flight response. Avoidance.

Over the weekend I went swimming. In the cool water I was relaxed but also managed to challenged myself by doing more laps. I was in control of my body and push myself harder.

Slowly but surely I'm connecting with the real me and learning to love myself.

Love

Happiness

-- 18.08.15 --

Honesty

One trait I value and try to hold onto the most is honesty.

Being honest with people I interact with
Being honest with who I am
Being honest with my faults
Being honest with how I feel

It's not easy to open up and admit to others how you feel
But I trust
Some may call it naive, giving someone the knife that they may one day stab you with
But I trust

So I'm honest to a fault
I often end up hurting
But it's okay, I have no regrets.

My biggest fear
Regret.

-- 11.08.15 --

Illusion

An illusion of hope, happiness, dreams and aspirations
Covering the ugly truth of reality
You try to supplement your life with activities, gatherings, and materialistic things to keep busy
But the sad reality is you still feel cold and alone
You recall that once honest and heartfelt phrase "you will never be alone because I will always be here for you"
Only to look around and see the voids of emptiness around you

I miss you, the emotions I felt around you, the naivety of just believing everything you said and being able to share everything with you
It is all but memories now... 
Memories of illusions I created for myself...
Illusions of happiness
Illusion of love and belonging to someone
Illusion of escaping reality...
Illusion of my safety net...

The future felt so obtainable, bright, warm and hopeful when I was with you
Now it is cloudy, unknown, unobtainable, frightening...
Do I even dare to hope and build up expectations when I feel like they are doomed from the get go?
Suppressing the urge to just leap at the possibility and chance of happiness because I know the urge is fueled by my desire to escape...
Escape the negativity within me...
My fears and insecurities...

My mind is out of my control
My imagination exacerbates the chaos within me
Just losing control and wanting to give up...

How do I escape?...
Must I do everything alone?...
Prepared for loneliness but can't suppress the desire to feel loved again...
His crushing words that those 6 years may not have been "love", was it an illusion?..
The painful memories of our last days together douses the fire within me...

Do I even know how to love?
Do I love myself?...
Am I capable of love?...

-- 04.08.15 --

Unspoken

My best friend, sister, the one that means more to me than my blood relatives is going through a very difficult time in her life right now... 
It is so heartbreaking to watch the flame in her almost go out, just barely flickering... 

It takes courage to love, to open yourself up and be vulnerable, yet, somehow, this one person whom you trust with your life just gives it all up, just like that, mind made up, too stubborn to change... 

Why are we like moths drawn to a flame? 
The fire entices you with its warmth and beauty, but the closer you get, the more likely you will wind up as a pile of ashes... 
Ashes scattered around the triumphant fire... 
The fire light you up momentarily, giving you hope that you can unite as one, only to painfully realise you belong in separate worlds... 
Forever divided... 

How do we control that urge to crave companionship? 

How do we know when to say no? 

How do we find our purpose in life?

How do we stop hurting?

Every moment passes by and we are left wondering, have we made the right decision? 
Should we have tried harder? 
Was letting go for the best of us? 
At this moment, REGRET eats you alive. 
You start scolding yourself for not trying harder, for letting the relationship run down the course it has, for not foreseeing what your mistakes lead to, how things could be right now had you acted differently...

As your thoughts take your emotions on a roller coaster ride of painful bitter sweet memories, your wounds start healing. 
You allow time to work its magic. 
Just as you start accepting and believing you are finally okay, you relapse... 
A small insignificant object, room, person, scent or sound rips the scabs open and the pain gushes out, uncontrollably, bloody, and raw. 
Your face buried in the tear stained pillow, countless drenched tissues scattered around the bed, losing your will to fight on. 

Darkness provides comfort. 

The comfort of being in a forgotten corner where you allow your deepest fear to rip you apart. 

Just let go. 

Just let it out.

One day, that beautiful, handsome boyish face shall fade.

The tingly feeling of tears streaming down your face will be long forgotten.

You build a barrier to protect yourself.

You let the boy live in a deep and untouchable chamber in your heart.

Only the pure and sweet memories remain.

You loved.

You were loved. 

-- 20.07.15 --

迷惑

不知道為什麼自己突然會這樣子…
不知道要什麼，指望什麼…
亂亂的該怎麼辦呢？…

-- 18.07.15 --

A moment of clarity

It's been awhile since I've felt this way about my life.

Originally my five weeks holiday had multiple purposes: relaxation, lasik eye surgery, visit family and friends, get away from the stresses of work, shopping and rewarding myself after over a year of full time working, lastly and most importantly, to pause and review my life to try figure out my next steps.

Just before my trip something happened that complicated things a bit for me... I was really confused and didn't really know what to do in that situation or knew how I felt and what I wanted. Since then I had some clarification though not quite what I had expected but I'm relieved to know where I stand. It lead to my journey of self discovery, asking myself the hard questions and figuring out who I am, what I want, where I want to be.

The time away has allowed me to actually think and figure out the "big questions". It's exhilarating having "eureka moments" in the middle of the night and finally having clarity on what I want in life and setting obtainable goals. 

Slowly but surely I'm ticking off my list of things to do on this trip.

As I encountered a large hurdle, I manage to stay true to myself and not cave in as I had before. I've made massive progress and manage to realise the importance of sticking up for yourself, loving yourself and saying no. Though tomorrow may be a challenge, but it's something I know I want to face and overcome.

This midnight post probably makes no coherent sense, but as I type this there is clarity in my mind. I know what I want to do and now the hard part is following through with my actions. I need courage to stand up for myself, and I need strength to follow through with my actions. 

Go me? :)

-- 15.06.15 --

至：愛過的人

光良 - 那些愛過的事:
"只是我愛過你的事，卻像跟著我的影子
遺憾的是你看不到，我還在愛著你的樣子"

曾經屬於我們共同的物品隨著時間逐漸損壞，如同變了質的牛奶，味道變了只能廢棄…
看著這些物品想起曾經的點點滴滴我還是止不住淚水…
想起那些甜言蜜語，真是天真又傻。
山無崚，天地合，乃敢與君絕…好美…卻不切實際…

你讓我嚐到了被愛與寵溺的甜蜜，同時也體會了愛帶來的痛與煎熬…
我嘗試跨越心裡的恐懼去接納他人卻一再地碰壁，熱臉貼冷屁股，真心換絕情…

愛 好累 好傷

多希望曾經的諾言能實現，我們現在過的是曾經計畫著的生活…
不知現在的你過的如何，我只能遠遠的祝福你，希望你能過你要的平淡、簡單的幸福日子。

我累了，找不到人生的方向，不知道該如何走下去，追求什麼…

曾經你是我的未來，我的指南針。
現在我必須靠自己的力量去尋找人生迷宮的出口。
若碰了壁就往回走找新的路，總有一天會找到出口。
就算出不去至少我也努力過，而不是在原地不動的等不會出現的"白馬王子"。
我會好好地誠實面對自己，不再幻想祈求什麼。
做自己堅強的走下去。

-- 10.06.15 --