寧可孤單也不願再錯愛...

喜歡與愛只隔著薄薄模糊不清的縫隙

曾經我把對一個人的好感錯認為愛,一而再再而三的受可避免的傷..

沉澱後的我想清楚了,寧可孤單也不願再錯愛..

或許我不會再愛了那也沒關係,珍惜我現在所擁有的一切,不再強求不屬於我的一切.

我要努力的愛自己,讓自己開心,找到並做真正的我.

為了自己改變.

Liking and loving are separated by a blurry line.

I used to mistake my liking of someone as love, falling for avoidable pain over and over again. 

After clearing my mind for awhile I have come to the conclusion that I would rather be lonely than fall for the wrong person again.

It is fine if I won't ever love again, I won't take for granted what I already have, stop chasing what does not belong to me. 

I will really try to love myself, make myself happy, find and be the real me. 

Change for myself. 

知足

Content 

~ 22.8.16 ~

Like I'm Gonna Lose You - Meghan Trainor

Like I'm Gonna Lose You - Meghan Trainor

Cover by Jemma Johnson

In the blink of an eye

Just a whisper of smoke

You could lose everything

The truth is you never know

So I'll kiss you longer baby

Any chance that I get

I'll make the most of the minutes and love with no regrets

Let's take our time

To say what we want

Use what we got

Before it's all gone

'Cause no, we're not promised tomorrow

So I'm gonna love you

Like I'm gonna lose you

I'm gonna hold you

Like I'm saying goodbye wherever we're standing

I won't take you for granted 'cause we'll never know when

When we'll run out of time so I'm gonna love you

Like I'm gonna lose you

I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you

--------------------------

Really love Jemma Johnson's voice.

An underrated YouTube singer.

There is just that something extra with acoustic covers slowing down the melody and allowing listeners to feel and really engage with the lyrics .

I also really love Jemma's cover of Love Story by Taylor Swift

Maybe I have lost my ability to love and trust.

For now I am happily connecting with love songs on a less intimate but appreciative level.

So much to do, so little time.

There is strength and will from within that drives me to continue.

I have changed.

I have grown.

I am happier.

I am free

~ 6.8.16 ~

i hate u, i love u - gnash (ft. olivia o'brien)

i hate u, i love u

Do you miss me like I miss you?

Fucked around and got attached to you

Friends can break your heart too, and

I'm always tired but never of you

If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn't like that shit

I put this real out, but you wouldn't bite that shit

Caution tape around my heart

You ever wonder what we could have been?

You said you wouldn't and you fucking did

Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix

Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all fucking mixed

Always missing people that I shouldn't be missing

Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance

I know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing

When love and trust are gone

I guess this is moving on

Everyone I do right does me wrong

So every lonely night, I sing this song

I hate you I love you

I hate that I love you

Don't want to, but I can't put

Nobody else above you

I hate you I love you

I hate that I want you

You want her, you need her

And I'll never be her

All alone I watch you watch her

Like she's the only girl you've ever seen

You don't care you never did

You don't give a damn about me

Yeah all alone I watch you watch her

She's the only thing you've ever seen

How is it you'll never notice

That you are slowly killing me

-------------------------------

This was exactly how I felt a while back. 

To a tee.

I no longer carry the burden of my unwanted feelings on my shoulder.

Dumped my feelings into the pit of how little you really cared about me.

Your manipulation and lies costs you my trust and everything attached.

You do not understand love.

I thought I understood you but it was just an idealised image.

Master manipulator or lost soul pretending to be someone he's not.

You be the judge of your own life.

You killed me.

You lost me.

~ 4.8.16 ~

∮16 如果你還在就好了 Wish you were here - 信 Shin

如果你還在就好了 Wish You Were Here - 信 Shin

Lyricist 作詞：施人誠 Derek Shih

Composer 作曲：金貴晟 Gui Cheng Jin

Arranger 編曲：JerryC

就讓我這樣子漂流著

Let me drift like this

我很好 沒事的

I am great, nothing wrong

潛入這條溫柔琥珀河

Dive into this comforting amber lake

世界就安靜了

World become silent

不想再和誰爭辯什麼了 罵的我都認了

Don't want to argue with anyone, accept what ever I have been accused off

也是該跟人生和好了

About time to make up with life

都已經幾歲了

About the right age

所有渴望追求想要的

Everything I craved, chased and wanted

看起來 都有了

Appears as if I have it all

而那些曾經很過不去的 不也都過去了

All those I couldn't overcome in the past, are now but the past

只是到了第六 第七杯 就又無力招架想你了

But when its the sixth, seventh drink, I couldn't resist thinking about you

整個人就一截 一截塌了

My whole body crumbles, one piece after another

堵塞的淚腺 終於通了

The clogged up tear duct finally clears

你一定知道我怎麼了 是心比胃先潰瘍了

You must know what is wrong with me, my heart burst before my stomach 

那個洞永遠都痛著 如果你還在就好了

That forever painful gap, wish you were here

敬這無言以對的時刻

Toast to this speechless moment

打烊了 該走了

Closing time, should leave now

生命的規定是如此嚴格

Life's rules always this strict

誰能失而復得

Who can get back what they've lost

沒有了你 我算什麼

Without you, what am I

乾掉世界 又如何

Scull the world dry, and so what

漫長歲月 索然無味

Long years, bland and empty

如果你還在就好了

Wish you were here

----------------------------------------------

I still miss you...

I wonder what it would be like right now if you were here.

Despite telling myself I am happy, you left behind a void of where you once belonged.

I know I shouldn't, I know but my mind wonders...

You may not be my final destination but am the stop that changed the course of my life. 

The journey left a permanent mark on my carriage that I could never forget.

You are etched in both my heart and mind.

Bitter sweet memories I recall so vividly as if it just happened the other day.

The other day was more than two years ago now...

Time passes by so quickly, what we had, will it become a faded memory one day?

Some days I feel empty, some days insecure, some days I just wish for it all to end.

I haven't cried for a long time now, I do not understand why I feel this way all of a sudden.

My tears are trying to smooth over and cover up the gash you left behind.

Futile attempt at forgetting.

Somehow, the pain just oozes.

I am trying, I really am. 

I wish to be happy and am giving it a real go.

I just can't bare my all to anyone as I had with you.

Will I ever be able to feel as comfortable and safe as falling asleep in your arms, listening to the sound of your steady heartbeat, dreaming of our future together...

Reality eroded my optimism and the cynic reigns.  

I lost my innocence.

I can't go back.

~ 4.8.16 ~

We Don't Talk Anymore

We Don't Talk Anymore - Cover by Alex Aiono & Diamond White

We don't talk anymore

We don't talk anymore

We don't talk anymore

Like we used to do...

We don't love anymore

What was all of it for?

Ohh, we don't talk anymore

I just hope you're lying next to somebody

Who knows how to love you like me

There must be a good reason that you're gone

Should've known your love was a game

Oh, it's such a shame

That we don't talk anymore...

---------------

I have let go of you now.

It is such a shame how two people who were once so close have become strangers.

More and more things I find out about you the more disappointed I become.

You are no longer placed on a pedistol, I see you for who you are.

You taught me an important lesson, and all I will do now is just thank you.

Finally seeing you for who you really am.

No more being played.

No more avoidable pain.

No more you...

~ 7.7.16 ~

Dicksand

"I am so obsessed with the idea of being in love that I just, its like, I completely lose myself.

I forget what I want and I just disappear."

--- Alice in How To Be Single

I am dragging myself out of the dicksand.

I am giving myself a real chance.

I only ever wish to be with someone who loves me for being me.

Out is the shame of facing who I really am.

Out is the fear of rejection.

Out is the old me that changed for the sake of filling someone else's mold.

I will cherish my time of being alone be it days, weeks, months or years.

I want to find that moment where I stand on my own.

Really, truly, Single.

And then...

~ 14.6.16 ~

Thinking and feeling logically

Knowing what the logical way to think and thinking logically are two different things.

I know what the logical way to think is but am not thinking logically. 

Logic says I should have moved on and not care, but sadly my mind and emotions are never logical.

The realization still upsets me but is a lot easier to deal with than the previous alternative.

I don't want to be the girl waiting, waiting for the impossible, waiting for the inevitable, waiting for emptiness, waiting for more pain...

Friends one day will drift apart, family is a relation but not necessarily a relationship, partners are no longer for life.

It was bound to happen and I should not be surprised, nothing in life but death is certain.

All that I am now is but a friend, a disposable, unimportant friend...

Thank you for your gift, even if it was given in the name of someone else...

I still know and thank you for thinking of me, whether it is out of duty to "repay me" or more...

Mogi and Chewchi are both reminders of what I mean to you, just a friend.

Giving advise to my "brother" who was in your previous circumstance made me realise and appreciate how patient you were with me.

As I said to my friend, he/you owe nothing to her/me. 

Some people are better to remain as friends as the unwanted feelings become a burden and pushes the other person further apart.

Saying "I do not expect anything in return" was a lie.
I did all that I did because I wanted something in return, I wanted more than a friendship with you but that ship has sailed long ago.

As I start thinking and feeling the moment I stop myself from going down that track.

What is the point of these unwanted feelings to you?

What is the point of allowing myself to feel?

Seeing how my "brother" reacted to a similar situation, I do not wish to be like the girl.

I want to be in that position where we can be comfortable and enjoy each other's company again.

I wish to move on from this.

I am keeping my emotions in check, choosing to remain quiet rather than utter words that are meaningless to you.

This I can do.

I can remain silent.

Silent for you. 

-- 5.6.16 --