至最美的回憶

上邪 (漢樂府)
上邪，我欲與君相知，長命無絕衰。
山無崚，江水為竭，冬雷震震，夏雨雪，天地合，乃敢與君絕！
     - 至最愛的人

人生中第一次收到的情書，第一次過情人節， 第一次牽著手深信這就是我的歸宿， 許許多多的第一次…如今已成了最美好的回憶。

六年多的時光晃眼就過了，曾經的點點滴滴只屬於回憶，偶爾觸景傷情時才會想起，這，就是命，就是人生吧？…

最痛的不是背叛，最痛的是你親口否決屬於你我的一切，否決愛，否決曾經支撐我活下去唯一的希望，目標，夢想…

是善良，是愛，是癡，是傻，是執著，是不願面對，到底是什麼讓我忘不了你?

曾經的甜言蜜語，海誓山盟想起時既甜蜜又痛…

以為只要兩人相親相愛就能相守到老，最終我們還是不合適，還是敗給了現實，敗給了沒好好珍惜，敗給了我的"懶"，敗給了命運…甜言蜜語終究還是甜言蜜語…

我一直都缺乏安全感，你走了，我最害怕發生的事還是發生了，我，被拋棄了…

你有你的考量，有你的無奈，有你想要追求的日子，有你的自由，有你選擇的她，我該死的理解，我自虐的接受“愛，就是成全，愛就是要讓你愛的人開心。”…

我不責怪她，不責怪你我父母，不責怪你，怪，只能怪自己。

除了接受我別無選擇。

我逼迫自己改變，努力相信痛會過的，相信一切都會好起來，一個人沒什麼不好。

我逼自己去接受他人，充實自己，為了周遭關心我的人笑，若無其事的活下去，去喜歡別人，做我認為"該做的事"…可夜深人靜時我只剩孤單的空虛感伴隨著我入睡……

現在的我在努力說服自己，告訴自己一個人過也可以很好。

人生唯一能保證不變的是獨自離開，死將終止以及解脫一切。

人獨自來到這世上，走時也是單獨一人。

謝謝你曾經讓我愛，讓我學會信任，學會依賴。

我正在努力變成樂觀，獨立，堅強的我。

希望你現在過的快樂，這樣至少我曾經做的一切都值得的。

-- 04.02.15 --

∮3 從開始到現在 From the beginning till now - 張信哲/Jeff Chang

Song for today is: 從開始到現在/From the beginning till now by 張信哲/Jeff Chang

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YU__kaNDbog

Original Chinese lyrics and my English translation/interpretation of the lyrics:

Lyrics/作詞：Francis Lee/李焯雄
Composer/作曲：Oh Seok Jun/You Hae Jun吳熙俊

如果這是最好的結局　為何我還忘不了你
If this is the best ending, why can't I forget you　
時間改變了我們 告別了單純
Time has changed us, farewelled our innocence 

如果重逢也無法繼續　失去了才算是永恆
If upon reunion we cannot pick up where we left off, to lose it will really be for eternity　
懲罰我的認真 是我太過天真 
Punishing me for taking it too seriously, I was too naive 

難道我就這樣過我的一生　我的吻註定吻不到最愛的人
Am I really going to spend the rest of my life like this, never kissing the one I love the most
為你等從一開始 盼到現在　也同樣落的不可能
To wait for your right from the beginning, still hoping, yet never possible

難道愛情可以轉交給別人　但命運註定留不住我愛的人
Can love really be passed onto someone else, but I am fated to never keep the one I love
我不能　我怎麼會願意承認　你是我不該愛的人
I cant, how do I bring myself to admit, you are not the one I should love

如果再見是為了再分　失去了才算是永恆
If upon reunion we cannot pick up where we left off, to lose it will really be for eternity
已死心的記憶為何還要再生
Why do the memories buried deep in my heart resurface

難道我就這樣過我的一生　我的吻註定吻不到最愛的人
Am I really going to spend the rest of my life like this, never kissing the one I love the most
為你等從一開始盼到現在　也同樣落的不可能
To wait for your right from the beginning, still hoping, yet never possible

難道愛情可以轉交給別人　但命運註定留不住我愛的人
Can love really be passed onto someone else, but I am fated to never keep the one I love
我不能　我怎麼會願意承認　你是我不該愛的人
I cant, how do I bring myself to admit, you are not the one I should love

拿什麼作證　從未想過愛一個人 需要那麼殘忍才證明愛的深
Using what as proof, never though to love someone requires so much cruelty to prove how deeply you loved

難道我就這樣過我的一生　我的吻註定吻不到最愛的人
Am I really going to spend the rest of my life like this, never kissing the one I love the most
為你等從一開始盼到現在　也同樣落的不可能
To wait for your right from the beginning, still hoping, yet never possible

難道愛情可以轉交給別人　但命運註定留不住我愛的人
Can love really be passed onto someone else, but I am fated to never keep the one I love
我不能　我怎麼會願意承認　你是我愛錯了的人
I cant, how do I bring myself to admit, you are the one I wrongly loved

------------------------------------------------------------

The beginning of the music video has the following blurb:
你真的忘的了你的初戀情人嗎
Can you really forget your first love
假如有一天 你遇到了跟他長的一模一樣的人
If one day you meet someone who looks exactly like them
他真的就是他嗎 還有可能嗎
Are they really the same person, is it still possible
這是命運的寬容
Is this fate's forgiveness
還是另一次不懷好意的完笑
Or another cruel joke

You will never forget your first serious relationship. Few lucky ones out there marry and spend the rest of their lives with their first love while the majority of us go through many heartaches and end up settling. Settling for the shared common goal, settling because of societal and family pressure, settling because we are afraid of dying alone... 

Young love is blind, naive yet pure. It is filled with hopes and dreams of a "happily ever after" without truly thinking of the consequences and what it takes to get there. 

As time passes, you grow older and more "mature". You may go through dating and going into relationships with someone, but you will never have that "love can conquer all" mindset. You take on responsibilities and consider every factor rather than make impulsive decisions. Reason, logic and societal pressure drives you, not love, emotions and desires.

If you had a chance with your first love, would you do things differently? Knowing what you know today, would you still love each other? There are so many things I wish I had said and done, but would "destiny" intervene and the ending stays the same?

My mind is scattered everywhere, emotions raw. How do I make sense of what happened? Why do I continue to justify everything and believe that it was simply fate and I have no choice but to accept it? Almost a year later, I still do not have an answer. 

-- 26.01.15 --

"談過的戀愛,並不會像剪掉的頭髮,風一吹 就漂走了; 談過的戀愛,會變成葉片上的紋脈,腳踝上的微血管,儲存記憶,維持生命,難以察覺 但一直存在" 蔡康永

The relationship you go through is not like hair that has been cut, a gust of wind just blows it away. The relationships you go through will become like patterns of a leaf, like tiny veins on your ankle, storing memory, sustaining life, hard to detect, but always present -- by Taiwanese host and author Kevin Tsai.

-- 06.10.14 --

∮2 不敢哭 Don't dare to cry - 梁心頤 Lara

Song for today is: 不敢哭/Don't dare to cry by 梁心頤/Lara

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0SVOs87MdA

Original Chinese lyrics and my English translation/interpretation of the lyrics:

梁心頤 - 不敢哭

Lyrics/作詞：Lara梁心頤
Composer/作曲：Zhang Jie張傑

如果說了太多 請你別再閃躲

If too many things were said, can you please stop hiding
那尷尬的笑容 會讓我更難過

That awkward smile, will upset me even more
就算只是朋友 你能不能夠直話直說 讓我懂

Even though we are just as friends, can't you just get straight to the point and say it, to let me understand

都怪你的灑脫 溫暖了我胸口

Blame it on how unconstrained and easy going you are, warmed up my heart
但曖昧很沈重 讓親暱成了折磨
But the ambiguous flirting is a heavy burden, turned intimacy into torture

不要看著我 天真的說

Don't look at me and naively say
現在的你是多麼脆弱

How fragile and weak you are right now
這樣諷刺 求救 原來最痛

How ironic, seeking help is actually most painful

我不敢哭 因為我不想認輸

I don't dare to cry, because I don't want to admit defeat
你的心為她守護 我比誰都清楚

Your heart is guarding her, I know this more clearly than anyone else
我不敢哭 或許也是種認輸

I don't dare to cry, maybe it's a form of admitting defeat
愛你卻說不出 就當作祝福

I love you but can't say it, just treat it as a blessing

如果愛是自由 為何無法回收

If love is free, why can't I take it back
我在你的左右 也不過是個替手

I'm at your side, but only as a substitute

不要看著我 天真的說

Don't look at me and naively say
現在的你是多麼脆弱

How fragile and weak you are right now
這樣諷刺 求救 原來最痛

How ironic, seeking help is actually most painful

我不敢哭 因為我不想認輸

I don't dare to cry, because I don't want to admit defeat
你的心為她守護 我比誰都清楚

Your heart is guarding her, I know this more clearly than anyone else
我不敢哭 或許也是種認輸

I don't dare to cry, maybe it's a form of admitting defeat
愛你卻說不出 就當作祝福 oh oh~
I love you but can't say it, just treat it as a blessing oh oh~

我不敢哭 因為我不想認輸

I don't dare to cry, because I don't want to admit defeat
你的心為她守護 我比誰都清楚

Your heart is guarding her, I know this more clearly than anyone else
我不敢哭 或許也是種認輸

I don't dare to cry, maybe it's a form of admitting defeat
愛你卻說不出 就當作祝福

I love you but can't say it, just treat it as blessing 
------------------------------------------------------------
The beginning of the music video has the following words:
得不到的 總愈想要 我想要放開不屬於我的你 我想找回屬於我的自由
The more you can't have it, the more you will crave it
I want to let go of you who don't belong to me
I want to find the freedom that belongs to me

At the end the texts say:
得不到的 就該放手 就算哭了 我也是勇敢的
If you can't have it, than you should let go
Even if I cry, I am still brave

This song means a lot to me. 

The music video depicts a forbidden extramarital love affair but the lyrics could be interpreted it in other ways. 
I resonate with the lyrics in terms of the dilemma I had when I found out the one I thought was my "happily ever after" was choosing someone over me, over us, over the 6 years we've had... 
My internal struggle of deciding whether to: 
A. Hold onto my last bit of dignity and avoid crying as it is a sign of accepting he's moved on and the end of my relationship..
or 
B. Just cry, let go, admit defeat and wallow in my own sorrow... 

After the initial shock that he - whom I trusted with my life and envisioned my future with; has just admitted he has betrayed me and is leaving me for someone else I went into a state of denial... I couldn't bare to look at him, it felt like with every glance I will see this new person that has taken over the guy I love so much... 

Even though I understood the logic behind his decision, it doesn't justify his betrayal... I understood it is for the best in the long run due to our circumstances, but it did not make it any easier... Because of love and my desire for him to be happy, I somehow convinced myself to let go... Even though I firmly believed I am capable of bringing him true happiness and can and am willing to accept and move on despite the betrayal, his heart and mind is no longer mine... 

To let go physically is so much easier than letting go emotionally. Even now after almost 6 months, I still feel an emotional attachment to him. When a song that reminds me of "us" plays, or I see or pass by something or somewhere that once meant something to "us", my heart beats faster and I have to fight the urge to dwell on the past and return to that state of wallowing and self pity... 

The pain hasn't lessened but I have learnt to cope. It is true that time heals all wounds. The wound heals but I am like a little kid that can't control her hands, I can't help but pick at the scabs and reopen the wound to bleed over and over again. One day when it becomes numb, I will stop picking at the wound and let it properly heal to eventually become a faint scar. A faint scar that only I will notice and I will learn to not make the same mistake and fall again. 

If god or the universe can be so kind to me, please let me find someone who is willing to accept me as who I am, to look past the scars of my past and love me for who I am... One day... When I am ready to love and trust again.....

-- 04.08.14 --

∮1 泡沫 Bubbles - 鄧紫棋 G.E.M

Song for today is: 泡沫/Bubble by 鄧紫棋/G.E.M

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mGeiABBB5f8

Original lyrics and my english translation/interpretation of the lyrics:

鄧紫棋 - 泡沫

Lyrics/作詞：G.E.M.
Composer/作曲：G.E.M.
Arranger/編曲：Lupo Groinig
Producer/監製：Lupo Groinig

陽光下的泡沫　是彩色的

Bubbles under the sun, are colourful
就像被騙的我　是幸福的

Like me being lied to, blissfully happy
追究什麼對錯　你的謊言　基於你還愛我
Why pursue what's right and wrong, your lies, are because you still love me

美麗的泡沫　雖然一剎花火

Beautiful bubbles, although just a spark of fireworks
你所有承諾　雖然都太脆弱

All your promises, although are too weak
但愛像泡沫　如果能夠看破　有什麼難過
But love is like bubbles, if you can see through it, what's there to be sad about

早該知道泡沫　一觸就破

Should have known bubbles, burst with one touch
就像已傷的心　不勝折磨

Just like a broken heart, cannot withstand anymore torture
也不是誰的錯　謊言再多　基於你還愛我

It's no ones fault, even with more lies, because you still love me

美麗的泡沫　雖然一剎花火

Beautiful bubbles, although sudden like fireworks
你所有承諾　雖然都太脆弱

Your promises, although are too weak
愛本是泡沫　如果能夠看破　有什麼難過

Love is just bubbles, if you can see through it, what's there to be sad about

再美的花朵　盛開過就凋落

Even the most beautiful flower, after blossoming will wilt
再亮眼的星　一閃過就墜落

Even the brightest star, after sparkling will fall
愛本是泡沫　如果能夠看破　有什麼難過
Love is just bubbles, if you can see through it, what's there to be sad about
為什麼難過　有什麼難過　為什麼難過
Why be sad, what is there to be sad about, why be sad

全都是泡沫　只一剎的花火

Everything is just bubbles, just a spark of fireworks
你所有承諾　全部都太脆弱

All your promises, are too fragile and weak
而你的輪廓　怪我沒有看破　才如此難過

And your face, blame myself for not seeing through it, that is why I'm so hurt and upset

相愛的把握　要如何再搜索

Certainty of being in mutual love, how to find it again
相擁著寂寞　難道就不寂寞

Embracing loneliness, wouldn't it still be lonely
愛本是泡沫　怪我沒有看破　才如此難過

Love is just bubbles, blame myself for not seeing through it, that is why I'm so hurt and upset

在雨下的泡沫　一觸就破

Bubbles under the rain, burst with one touch
當初熾熱的心　早已沉沒

Original passionate scorching heart, has sunk long ago
說什麼你愛我　如果騙我　我寧願你沉默

Saying you love me, if you're lying, I would rather you remain silent.

------------------------------------------------------------

This song is near the top of my list of favourite songs by G.E.M. I love the fact G.E.M both composed and wrote the lyrics to the song and you can hear and feel her connecting with the song in her performances. She cleverly draws a comparison between love and bubbles, highlighting the temperamental and fragile elements of both love and bubbles. Although you know bubbles will burst, you still want to try to touch and admire it. A contrast of the beauty and happiness love brings, but also the pain and harsh reality you face in love. It's no romantic slow relaxed love song, yet it's definitely not an over the top dramatic song either. Just listening to the song without the music video creates in my mind being surround by darkness with a ray of taunting light that you're trying to grab a hold of but forever just out of reach. 

It is the song towards nearing the end of a relationship. When you have been cheated on or lied to and feel like the magic and spark between the two of you will remain a thing of the past. You are hurt but still hold onto that one tiny bit of hope that love exists. You are scolding yourself, why are you hurt when you knew being in love would bring along this pain? You still hold onto the hope that love exists but have lost faith in the person you are with. Instead of placing the blame on the other person, you blame yourself, blame yourself for falling for them, for believing, for falling in love.

-- 25.06.14 --

Let the waves come crashing

A simple melody, tune, even a chord can bring back memories you have tried to suppress and hide so well. 

The rise and fall of the melody is like a painter's brush, our memory and imagination as the canvas. 

It doesn't take a dramatic over the top song to bring tears to your eyes, sometimes its the simplest melody that takes you on a journey down memory lane. 
The song that you used to listen to as a child whilst driving for hours on road trips with your family, or maybe its the song the neighbours used to blast on those warm summer nights, might be the theme song of a drama you grew up watching, perhaps its that song you and your first love used to sing together... 

The power of music and the emotions it evoke in us is undeniable. 
There is no escape. 

Once the music hits you the emotions and memories come flooding, like a tidal wave, you are drowning in the sea of nostalgic memories, whirlpools of flashbacks drag you down further. 
Somehow you grab a hold of a driftwood called reality and you gradually drift to shore, emotionally and physically drained but still in one piece. 

Is it masochistic to want to approach the sea again? 
The power, the poise, the soothing yet terrifying waves hypnotise you, you cannot help but want to revisit the place that is so beautiful yet emotionally draining. 
You build up your courage, you learn to swim harder, yet no matter how hard you prepare, there is always that one song you will lose yourself in. 

I am a masochist who enjoys losing herself in nostalgic melodies. 

Let the emotions and memories come at me.

-- 23.06.14 --