Sharing personal past stories...
Sharing what really bothers me...
Sharing my fear and insecurities...
Terrified I would scare you away...
We are skating on really thin ice...
I cant help how I feel and continuously tell myself to be careful and not fall...
I just can't stop myself...
Despite my feelings I just can't bring myself to verbally, face to face tell you how I feel...
I... am lost for words...
I am unprepared...
Scared of being hurt...
Scared of rejection...
Scared of losing you...
When I do things for other people I dont expect anything in return.
I find happiness in spoiling people I like and making someone happy.
In a way I also do it for myself.
Kind gestures to redeem for my karma, oh yes, there have been moments of my life that im not proud of...
Thinking about karma and the after life scares me.
Sometimes I think it is just easier if I could believe theres nothing beyond this life and could adopt the "yolo" attitude, sadly im an over thinker.
The past few days I have been thinking.
I do not expect anybody to change themselves for me.
They dont owe me anything, even "promises" are often broken.
The temporary pain and tears are nothing to anyone else but me.
I need to lower my expectations but also not "settle" for anything less than what I want.
I am someone of their words.
Mark my words, I will be happy.
Whether in a relationship or not, I will be happy.
Meet me at the moment it was equal And those weekends, where love seems so simple Saturdays now far away Since you say we’re different people How high do I climb for you
Gotta jump through hoops To get to you To anything I own Even if I could, be close to you You never break the fall Shake this divide when right on my side For every angle that I try Still I jump through hoops To get to you
Stone cold landing, I’m still where you left me Crumbled, story, circles never ending Butterflies learn to fly Though I tried to hide these feelings This motion sickness, sequence It could be the death of me
And I jump through hoops To get to you To anything I own Even if I could, be close to you You never break the fall Shake this divide when right on my side For every angle that I try Still I jump through hoops To get to you
Calling love, calling love I’ve seen all your faces It’s not love, it’s not love Boy don’t make me chase it For your love, for your love Oh it leaves me breathless I’m in love, I’m in love
And I jump through hoops To get to you To anything I own Even if I could, be close to you You never break the fall Shake this divide when right on my side For every angle that I try Still I jump through hoops Gotta jump through hoops
I've been sleepless at night cause I don't know how I feel I've been waiting on you just to say something real
There's a light on the road and I think you know Morning is coming and I have to go
I don't know why, I don't know why we need to break so hard I don't know why we break so hard
But if we're strong enough to let it in, in, in We strong enough to let it go, oh o, oh o
Let it all go, let it all go, let it all out now
If I look back to the start now I know, I see everything true
There's still a fire in me heart, my darling, but I'm not burning for you
We started it wrong and I think you know We waited too long now I have to go
I don't know why, I don't know why we need to break so hard I don't know why we break so hard
But if we're strong enough to let it in, in, in We strong enough to let it go, oh o, oh o
Let it all go, let it all go, let it all out now Let it all go, let it all go, let it all out now
Who says truth is beauty after all?
And who says love should break us when we fall?
But if we're strong enough to let it in, in, in We strong enough to let it go, oho, oho
Let it all go, let it all go, let it all out now Let it all go, let it all go, let it all out now
We're strong enough to let it go, oh o, oh o
--------------------------------------------------------------------- It has been a difficult week at work, I am exhausted. I haven't exercised all week, just simply don't have the energy to change and get to the gym. When I get home I just collapse on the bed and sleep for at least 2 hours straight. I wake up to eat if I'm hungry or shower and surf the net until insomnia passes and I can finally sleep again. Wake up, drag myself out of bed and its back to work and the same routine repeats. However, I have stuck to my diet and resisted sugar including dessert last night despite peer pressure #proud
It has been two years now, I still have moments when I miss K. Thought I was over you but in my moments of weakness I still think of you... A few nights ago I had a nightmare The first thoughts when I woke was when you used to hold me and tell me everything was going to be alright, that you'd be by my side no matter what... I felt so safe next to you... What I would give to relive those days, blissfully happy, hopeful of the future, naively believing everything you said. I miss you calling me 老婆... I miss calling you 老公... I miss us... Didn't expect the flood of emotions to hit me as hard as it did tonight... I am trying to change my ways and stop complaining, to bottle everything up and pretend I am happy and okay, but I am not... I am lonely... I was so accustomed to thinking as "we". To know someone is always there for me no matter what. Oh wait, 'was' there for me... There is no point dwelling on the "what ifs", it is what it is... I can only wish you happiness. Hope it was worth it and you have what you've always wanted - 平平淡淡的幸福. 我不能給你的,希望她都能給你. Thank you. 謝謝你給我的美好回憶,謝謝你讓我愛過,謝謝你讓我成長,謝謝你帶來的傷疤提醒著我要愛自己. If we cannot love ourselves, how can others love us? We had a discussion at the dinner table last night - would you rather be blissfully ignorant or miserably wise? Often I wish I was blissfully ignorant, life would be much simpler and easier to get by, but we do not get a choice. Knowledge is a double edged sword. We can use it to our advantage, but it can also turn around and hurt you. At work, as much as I wish to learn, I must also remember to look out for myself, Trust to some extent, but also know when to push back. Know my worth, know where to draw the lines, know when to pass it onto others because I cannot simply do everything.
As exhausted as I may be, I know life goes on. Momentary moments of weakness that only I will ever know of. Tears evaporate into nothingness, if only my emotions and feelings could as well.. Be it for K, be it for my 'friend', feelings why won't you fade?... A few close friends are currently experiencing difficulties in their lives. I wish I could do something to change their circumstances, but there isn't. I can only give them support and company, be there to listen should they wish to vent, pray for their good health and happiness. I need to stop wasting my time being miserable, I should live my life to the fullest while I can. I have many positives in my life - amazing friends, healthy (ish) body and independence. I must let it all go. What does happiness mean to me?
Is it selfish to ask for a break and an injection of happiness in my life?
