Let It All Go - Birdy & Rhodes

Let it All Go

I've been sleepless at night cause I don't know how I feel
I've been waiting on you just to say something real

There's a light on the road and I think you know
Morning is coming and I have to go

I don't know why, I don't know why we need to break so hard
I don't know why we break so hard

But if we're strong enough to let it in, in, in
We strong enough to let it go, oh o, oh o

Let it all go, let it all go, let it all out now

If I look back to the start now I know, I see everything true

There's still a fire in me heart, my darling, but I'm not burning for you

We started it wrong and I think you know
We waited too long now I have to go

I don't know why, I don't know why we need to break so hard
I don't know why we break so hard

But if we're strong enough to let it in, in, in
We strong enough to let it go, oh o, oh o

Let it all go, let it all go, let it all out now
Let it all go, let it all go, let it all out now

Who says truth is beauty after all?

And who says love should break us when we fall?

But if we're strong enough to let it in, in, in
We strong enough to let it go, oho, oho

Let it all go, let it all go, let it all out now
Let it all go, let it all go, let it all out now

We're strong enough to let it go, oh o, oh o

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It has been a difficult week at work, I am exhausted.
I haven't exercised all week, just simply don't have the energy to change and get to the gym.
When I get home I just collapse on the bed and sleep for at least 2 hours straight.
I wake up to eat if I'm hungry or shower and surf the net until insomnia passes and I can finally sleep again.
Wake up, drag myself out of bed and its back to work and the same routine repeats.
However, I have stuck to my diet and resisted sugar including dessert last night despite peer pressure #proud

It has been two years now, I still have moments when I miss K.
Thought I was over you but in my moments of weakness I still think of you...
A few nights ago I had a nightmare
The first thoughts when I woke was when you used to hold me and tell me everything was going to be alright, that you'd be by my side no matter what...
I felt so safe next to you...
What I would give to relive those days, blissfully happy, hopeful of the future, naively believing everything you said.

I miss you calling me 老婆...
I miss calling you 老公...
I miss us...

Didn't expect the flood of emotions to hit me as hard as it did tonight...
I am trying to change my ways and stop complaining, to bottle everything up and pretend I am happy and okay, but I am not...
I am lonely...
I was so accustomed to thinking as "we".
To know someone is always there for me no matter what.
Oh wait, 'was' there for me...
There is no point dwelling on the "what ifs", it is what it is...
I can only wish you happiness.
Hope it was worth it and you have what you've always wanted - 平平淡淡的幸福.
我不能給你的,希望她都能給你.
Thank you.
謝謝你給我的美好回憶,謝謝你讓我愛過,謝謝你讓我成長,謝謝你帶來的傷疤提醒著我要愛自己.
If we cannot love ourselves, how can others love us?

We had a discussion at the dinner table last night - would you rather be blissfully ignorant or miserably wise?
Often I wish I was blissfully ignorant, life would be much simpler and easier to get by, but we do not get a choice.
Knowledge is a double edged sword.
We can use it to our advantage, but it can also turn around and hurt you.
At work, as much as I wish to learn, I must also remember to look out for myself,
Trust to some extent, but also know when to push back.
Know my worth, know where to draw the lines, know when to pass it onto others because I cannot simply do everything.

As exhausted as I may be, I know life goes on.
Momentary moments of weakness that only I will ever know of.
Tears evaporate into nothingness, if only my emotions and feelings could as well..
Be it for K, be it for my 'friend', feelings why won't you fade?...
A few close friends are currently experiencing difficulties in their lives.
I wish I could do something to change their circumstances, but there isn't.
I can only give them support and company, be there to listen should they wish to vent, pray for their good health and happiness.
I need to stop wasting my time being miserable, I should live my life to the fullest while I can.
I have many positives in my life - amazing friends, healthy (ish) body and independence.

I must let it all go. 

What does happiness mean to me?

Is it selfish to ask for a break and an injection of happiness in my life?

-- 21.1.16 --