∮7 情非得已 Can't help falling in love - 庾澄慶 Harlem Yu

情非得已 Can't help falling in love - 庾澄慶 Harlem Yu

情非得已

作詞：張國祥
作曲：湯小康
編曲：Jamie Wilson

難以忘記初次見你 一雙迷人的眼睛
Cannot forget the first time I meet you, your pair of attractive eyes
在我腦海裡 你的身影 揮散不去
In my mind your presence lingers cannot be erased
握你的雙手感覺你的溫柔 真的有點透不過氣
Holding your hands, feeling your tenderness, almost suffocating 
你的天真 我想珍惜 
Your innocence, I want to treasure
看到你受委屈 我會傷心
Watching you suffer upsets me

只怕我自己會愛上你 不敢讓自己靠得太近
Just scared I will fall in love with you, so I don't allow you to get close
怕我沒什麼能夠給你 愛你也需要很大的勇氣
Scared I cannot give you anything, takes a lot of courage to love you
只怕我自己會愛上你 也許有天會情不自禁
Just scared I will fall in love with you, maybe one day I can't hold back anymore
想念只讓自己苦了自己 愛上你是我情非得已
Thinking about it makes it worse for me, I can't help falling in love with you

難以忘記初次見你 一雙迷人的眼睛
Cannot forget the first time I meet you, your pair of attractive eyes
在我腦海裡 你的身影 揮散不去
In my mind your presence lingers cannot be erased
握你的雙手感覺你的溫柔 真的有點透不過氣
Holding your hands, feeling your tenderness, almost suffocating 
你的天真 我想珍惜 
Your innocence, I want to treasure
看到你受委屈 我會傷心
Watching you suffer upsets me

只怕我自己會愛上你 不敢讓自己靠得太近
Just scared I will fall in love with you, so I don't allow you to get close
怕我沒什麼能夠給你 愛你也需要很大的勇氣
Scared I cannot give you anything, takes a lot of courage to love you
只怕我自己會愛上你 也許有天會情不自禁
Just scared I will fall in love with you, maybe one day I can't hold back anymore
想念只讓自己苦了自己 愛上你是我情非得已
Thinking about it makes it worse for me, I can't help falling in love with you

什麼原因 我竟然又會遇見你
Why do I continue running into you
我真的真的不願意 就這樣陷入愛的陷阱
I really really did not want to just fall into love's trap

只怕我自己會愛上你 不敢讓自己靠得太近
Just scared I will fall in love with you, so I don't allow you to get close
怕我沒什麼能夠給你 愛你也需要很大的勇氣
Scared I cannot give you anything, takes a lot of courage to love you
只怕我自己會愛上你 也許有天會情不自禁
Just scared I will fall in love with you, maybe one day I can't hold back anymore
想念只讓自己苦了自己 愛上你是我情非得已
Thinking about it makes it worse for me, I can't help falling in love with you

愛上你是我情非得已
I can't help falling in love with you

----------------------------------------------------------
This song is the theme song of Meteor Garden.
A drama that my best friends and I bonded over.
The song that we used to sing at karaoke and walking home from school.
As an overly romantic teenager, I can't help but fantasize about future relationships, would I ever be in a relationship where the chemistry and love is that strong?

After my last relationship I realise the best part of the relationship is the comfortable silence.
When you get to a stage where you know each other so well that you don't even need to say anything and the other person already knows.
Being in the same room as him, doing our own things, but with one look, one smile, one touch, you know you are both in love and have each other in the back of your mind.
I am a hopeless romantic but can also appreciate the mundane little things in life. 
Little gestures like offering coat, putting arm out to protect me from falling, or pulling the blanket over my shoulders...

In Meteor Garden there are lots of side stories not just about the main characters Shancai and Daoming Si. 
I see shadows of myself in a few characters:
- Shancai's average girl with no background, stubborn, resilient, cynical and fiercely independent. 
- Xiaozi's frankness, fearlessness and perseverance
- Xiaoyou's bravery to pursue someone she likes despite knowing nothing good can come of it, just acting on feelings and wanting to share a moment with someone you like...

I am not in love, love is too strong a word, but I know I have feelings for someone...
Someone I shouldn't have, someone who doesn't need these feelings...

Someone that could continue with his life as if nothing has happened...

I had a long debate with myself before anything happened. 

Morals and logic told me not to, but I still gave in...

Gave in to my feelings... 

Gave in to allowing myself to feel what was one sided...

I don't regret the things that happened between us.

Others may see me as foolish, but I don't regret it at all.

It was selfish for me to ask for what happen to have happened knowing your circumstances... I couldn't help myself.

You are not the stereotypical guy that I like.

If someone told me when I first meet you that things would turn out the way they did, I would simply laugh and not believe it.

I was not ready for a relationship and had put up my guard when it came to guys.

As I got to know you I started liking hanging out with you... 

It was not until that night when you said "I like you" that I actually fell...

I like your eyes

I like your positive, care free spirit

I like your smile

I like your talent, focus and pride in your work

I like your nervousness...

I like you asking for my permission...

I like you making me feel like a little girl, shy and nervous with butterflies in my stomach... 

I like you

I know you do not see me more than friends...

You told me not to linger to the idea that things will turn out how I expect...

You said for me to find my own man and that you know I will find the right one...

I wish you were the one...

But you have made that clear...

I know and will pack away my feelings, liking someone should not be a burden...

I will put on my mask again and pretend to be that bubbly, happy, carefree girl that everyone sees.

Thank you for allowing me to put down my guard and making me feel confident, attractive, desired and like a woman.

-- 01.09.15 --

They said that time flies but you keep breaking its wings, you never fade...

~ 30.08.15 ~

Just do it!

Nike's slogan has a point.
Just do it.

A friend long ago introduced me to the concept of carpe diem - to size the day; so I did.

A lot of "firsts" this weekend including a bloody scare at the end, but I savour every moment of it.

Really amazing feeling when someone appreciates the efforts you have put in, validation is the motivator to keep going.

You never know what will happen in the future, can only be in control of the now. If you let this moment pass by, you will never have the same chance again, it may be your last chance.

To know what you want and plucking up the courage to put yourself out there, open to rejection, open to be hurt, open to be humiliated, was a hard decision for an over thinker like me.

I changed my mind so many times, but in the end desire fueled impulse took over and the words just came out of my mouth.

I am beyond happy I expressed what I really felt and was honest and upfront about it.

Guilt was at the back of my mind and probably made it hard for both of us... but I didn't want it to effect the moment.

In that moment I was truly happy, being myself and just doing what I felt I wanted.

No regrets.That's how I want to live my life.

I have accepted the current status quo and will just work on bettering myself and learn to love myself inside and out.

I want to live, love, and be loved.

#motivated

-- 29.08.15 --

Who am I?

Last week was a week filled with stress and unexpected conversations and interesting turn of events.

It began with a sudden response to attend a job Assessment Centre followed by a heart to heart with someone I truly respect and have learnt a lot from.

Reflecting on the past week I realise how fed up I am with my current situation, how stressed about work I was when I shouldn't be, and overall how disconnected I am from who I am and what I really want.

My wise friend has shared an inspiring story of the great boxer Buster Douglas. "Who the hell is he?" You might ask, well I'm sure most people are familiar with the name Mike Tyson (even auto correct had his name come up after I typed Mike!). Long story short, Buster was able to defeat Mike at an event where the odds were stacked against him. Obviously he had to have talent to even get in the same ring as Mike Tyson, but what won him the fight was his belief and determination. Believing in himself that he could accomplish what seemed an impossible task. It highlights "success" has a lot to do with the mind. This is a valuable lesson I have learnt from my friend.

Another important lesson my friend has taught me was the importance of finding and loving yourself. Yes, I may appear to be bubbly and positive and easily fit in with other people, but I need to let the real me come out. I need to know who I am and not who I think people want me to be. Happiness and love come from within.

My friend made me realise how passive the real me has become. Even though I am appearing to be confident in some aspects to people, but I shut people out really easily and put up my guards. My instinctual response to conflict is to initiate flight response. Avoidance.

Over the weekend I went swimming. In the cool water I was relaxed but also managed to challenged myself by doing more laps. I was in control of my body and push myself harder.

Slowly but surely I'm connecting with the real me and learning to love myself.

Love

Happiness

-- 18.08.15 --

Honesty

One trait I value and try to hold onto the most is honesty.

Being honest with people I interact with
Being honest with who I am
Being honest with my faults
Being honest with how I feel

It's not easy to open up and admit to others how you feel
But I trust
Some may call it naive, giving someone the knife that they may one day stab you with
But I trust

So I'm honest to a fault
I often end up hurting
But it's okay, I have no regrets.

My biggest fear
Regret.

-- 11.08.15 --

Illusion

An illusion of hope, happiness, dreams and aspirations
Covering the ugly truth of reality
You try to supplement your life with activities, gatherings, and materialistic things to keep busy
But the sad reality is you still feel cold and alone
You recall that once honest and heartfelt phrase "you will never be alone because I will always be here for you"
Only to look around and see the voids of emptiness around you

I miss you, the emotions I felt around you, the naivety of just believing everything you said and being able to share everything with you
It is all but memories now... 
Memories of illusions I created for myself...
Illusions of happiness
Illusion of love and belonging to someone
Illusion of escaping reality...
Illusion of my safety net...

The future felt so obtainable, bright, warm and hopeful when I was with you
Now it is cloudy, unknown, unobtainable, frightening...
Do I even dare to hope and build up expectations when I feel like they are doomed from the get go?
Suppressing the urge to just leap at the possibility and chance of happiness because I know the urge is fueled by my desire to escape...
Escape the negativity within me...
My fears and insecurities...

My mind is out of my control
My imagination exacerbates the chaos within me
Just losing control and wanting to give up...

How do I escape?...
Must I do everything alone?...
Prepared for loneliness but can't suppress the desire to feel loved again...
His crushing words that those 6 years may not have been "love", was it an illusion?..
The painful memories of our last days together douses the fire within me...

Do I even know how to love?
Do I love myself?...
Am I capable of love?...

-- 04.08.15 --

Unspoken

My best friend, sister, the one that means more to me than my blood relatives is going through a very difficult time in her life right now... 
It is so heartbreaking to watch the flame in her almost go out, just barely flickering... 

It takes courage to love, to open yourself up and be vulnerable, yet, somehow, this one person whom you trust with your life just gives it all up, just like that, mind made up, too stubborn to change... 

Why are we like moths drawn to a flame? 
The fire entices you with its warmth and beauty, but the closer you get, the more likely you will wind up as a pile of ashes... 
Ashes scattered around the triumphant fire... 
The fire light you up momentarily, giving you hope that you can unite as one, only to painfully realise you belong in separate worlds... 
Forever divided... 

How do we control that urge to crave companionship? 

How do we know when to say no? 

How do we find our purpose in life?

How do we stop hurting?

Every moment passes by and we are left wondering, have we made the right decision? 
Should we have tried harder? 
Was letting go for the best of us? 
At this moment, REGRET eats you alive. 
You start scolding yourself for not trying harder, for letting the relationship run down the course it has, for not foreseeing what your mistakes lead to, how things could be right now had you acted differently...

As your thoughts take your emotions on a roller coaster ride of painful bitter sweet memories, your wounds start healing. 
You allow time to work its magic. 
Just as you start accepting and believing you are finally okay, you relapse... 
A small insignificant object, room, person, scent or sound rips the scabs open and the pain gushes out, uncontrollably, bloody, and raw. 
Your face buried in the tear stained pillow, countless drenched tissues scattered around the bed, losing your will to fight on. 

Darkness provides comfort. 

The comfort of being in a forgotten corner where you allow your deepest fear to rip you apart. 

Just let go. 

Just let it out.

One day, that beautiful, handsome boyish face shall fade.

The tingly feeling of tears streaming down your face will be long forgotten.

You build a barrier to protect yourself.

You let the boy live in a deep and untouchable chamber in your heart.

Only the pure and sweet memories remain.

You loved.

You were loved. 

-- 20.07.15 --