Saturday, September 26, 2015

Friend Zone?

Ideally you want to marry your best friend, someone you can share any and everything with.

How exactly do you distinguish between best friend that is also your partner vs friend zoned best friend?
No simple answer...
If there is even an answer...

I don't know...
I'm conflicted...
I want to love but also protect myself...


Can I trust him?...
Can I trust myself?...


Am I going to regret my decisions one day?...
Am I willing to risk it and invest my time and emotions into him when the returns are unknown?...


I'm... Scared.....
Is it easier to just be a friend to everyone and stay the way I am...

Stay in the shadows... 
Stay protected in my bubble of no expectation, no disappointment, no pain...

-- 26.09.15 --

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

I'm here when you need me...

When you're lonely, you talk to me...
When you're sad, you talk to me...
When you're happy you share the moment with the one you like...
I wish I can be the one who you can share anything with...

I don't want to be the one to always initiate and to "pester" you...
I just have to accept you're too busy for me, too busy living your life, too busy being your positive self...
I've come across so many posts and quotes that have told me to move on, to pursue what I deserve...
I know not to expect or hope, I don't want my friend's to worry, but illogically I still have that smidget of hope...
What do I do?...
Play the whole "treat em mean, keep em keen" game that I don't believe in?
To initiate and prepare for disappointment?...
Or to just forget what happened between us and move on?...

Visiting my friend in hospital, he is fine but afterwards when my mind started wondering, I was saddened...
I know how short life can be, and wish I can just go for things and get what I really crave and wish for...
I know not to expect... I can't help but hope...
What to do?....
I'm occupied at work, but I still sometimes think...
He... Forget.... If not forgotten already...

What should I do?...
Should I even be initiating?...
Should I even hope?...
Should I?....

-- 23.09.15 --

Monday, September 21, 2015

Sway

Sway
Bic Runga

Don't stray, don't ever go away
別迷失 永遠都別離開
I should be much to smart for this
我應該有自知之明
You know it gets the better of me
你知道我忍不住

Sometimes, when you and I collide
有時後 當你我相撞
I fall into an ocean of you
我掉入你的深淵
Pull me out in time
及時把我拉出來
Don't let me drown
別讓我被淹沒
Let me down
讓我失望
I say it's all because of you
我覺得都是因為你

And here I go
我又來了
Losing my control
失去自我控制
I'm practicing your name
我練習著你的名字
So I can say it to your face
好能在你面前說出口
It doesn't seem right to look you in the eye
感覺不對勁 望著你的眼睛
And let all the things you mean to me
把所有你對我來說的一切
Come tumbling out my mouth
從我嘴裡脫口而出
Indeed it's time
是的 是時候
Tell you why I say it's infinitely true
告訴你為什麼 我說這是永遠的事實

Say you'll stay
說你會留下
Don't come and go
別來了又走
Like you do
像你這樣
Sway my way
偏往我這
Yeah I need to know all about you
是的 我需要知道你的一切

And there's no cure
這無可救藥
And no way to be sure
也無法確認
Why everything's turned inside out
為何一切變得相反
Instilling so much doubt
注入好多疑惑
It makes me so tired
把我變的好累
I feel so uninspired
我覺得好沒勁
My head is battling with my heart
我的思想與內心搏鬥
My logic has been torn apart
我的理智被瓦解

And now, it all turns sour
而現在 一切都變味
Comes sweetened, every afternoon
變得甜蜜 每個下午

Say you'll stay
說你會留下
Don't come and go
別來了又走
Like you do
像你這樣
Sway my way
偏往我這
Yeah I need to know all about you
是的 我需要知道你的一切

Say you'll stay
說你會留下
Don't come and go
別來了又走
Like you do
像你這樣
Sway my way
偏往我這
Yeah I need to know all about you
是的 我需要知道你的一切

It's all because of you
這一切都是因為你
It's all because of you
這一切都是因為你

And now, it all turns sour
而現在 一切都變味
Comes sweetened, every afternoon
變得甜蜜 每個下午

It's time
是時候
Tell you why I say it's infinitely true
告訴你為什麼 我說這是永遠的事實

Say you'll stay
說你會留下
Don't come and go
別來了又走
Like you do
像你這樣
Sway my way
偏往我這
Yeah I need to know all about you
是的 我需要知道你的一切

Say you'll stay
說你會留下
Don't come and go
別來了又走
Like you do
像你這樣
Sway my way
偏往我這
Yeah I need to know all about you
是的 我需要知道你的一切

It's all because of you
這一切都是因為你
It's all because of you
這一切都是因為你
It's all because of you
這一切都是因為你

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's all because of you...
My logic and heart is in conflict...

I know not to hope, not to expect anything, to protect myself, but my heart creates hope...
Hope that often are crushed and bring pain...

My best friends all tell me I deserve better, but my heart and feelings defy logic...

Need to give you space, but I am also scared the distance would lead to you going back to her...
How do I compete with 2-3 years of feelings...

You ask a general question, I pour my heart out to you only to be meet with silence...
Are you really busy or just indirectly telling me not to have hope?

I don't want to over think, but I can't help but "snoop"...
I want to know all about you, to find connection and similarity, to find more justifications of why I have feelings for you...
Why I admire your talent, why we are so similar, why we can work...

I just want to love and be loved... 

Will you ever be ready?
Will you ever accept me?...

-- 21.09.15 --

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

We accept the love we think we deserve


Over and over again I make the same mistakes...
I wish I thought more highly of myself...
Need to know when to say no and stand up for myself...

I know its wrong, I've been told time and time again...
But I'm afraid...
Afraid of rejection...
Afraid of being alone...
Afraid of being... me...

What am I really hoping for?
Why would they ever change for me?
How can I get out of the trap I've set for myself? 
When will I learn?

Love, is blind. 

-- 16.09.15 --

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Stagnant

Definition: showing no activity; dull and sluggish.

Stagnant is how I've been in the past few months.

No gym, pigging out, just splurging money where ever, eating what ever I want and not having a routine to my life...
I want to change that.
Get back into a routine, get fit, be healthy and happy.

Signing up for the marathon will give me a goal to work towards.

Even if it is just 12k and not even the half marathon, you got to start somewhere right?
Must get out of this stagnant state I'm in and motivate myself.
I need to love myself in order to be happy.
If I can't even love myself, who would want to love me?

Goals for 2015:

- Complete 12k marathon
- Feel healthy, more athletic and keep it up
- Edit my photos from my trip that was more than 2 years ago
- Spoil and take care of myself
- Make an effort with friends that matter 
- Cut out things that are bad for me and hurt me
- Find out more about who I am and letting the real me come out
- Conquer one of my fears 

-- 15.09.15 --

Monday, September 14, 2015

Acceptance

Friend is all that I will ever be to him...

I deserve to be treated better, it's not right as my friends have told me time and time again.

I shall guard my heart and just not over think or read into anything.
Just forget and move on.

Must let the real me out as I've been told by my wise friend.

Need to figure out who the real me is and stop hiding behind masks of who I think people want me to be.

I'm a little tired and fed up, but the hope is still there...

Maybe I will have my happily ever after one day....

Maybe....

-- 14.09.15 --

Saturday, September 12, 2015

Conflicted

What to do.....
Just have to put my guard up and remain the friend....
Have already crossed that line, I don't regret it but my friends are right....
I don't deserve to be treated this way.....
Does he even realise?....
What am I doing?.....

-- 12.09.15 --