Monday, December 28, 2015

Let it be

Classic Beatles song - Let it be

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be

Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree
There will be an answer, let it be
For though they may be parted
There is still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be

Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Yeah, there will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

Let it be, let it be
Ah, let it be, yeah, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

And when the night is cloudy
There is still a light that shines on me
Shine on until tomorrow, let it be
I wake up to the sound of music,
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be

Let it be, let it be
Let it be, yeah, let it be
Oh, there will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, yeah, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

------------------------------------------
Sometimes I often wonder why people bother to form attachments.
As the Chinese proverb goes: 天下沒有不散的宴席 - all good things must come to an end.
Friends, family, relationships, life, all will eventually come to an end.
The more attached you are to someone, the more painful the parting will be.
In the heat of the moment you forget about the potential pain and just go for it.
In hindsight, you start noticing reasons why it would not work, reasons why you should just remain in your little bubble of self protection and avoid feelings all together. 

My friends tell me "you deserve better", "he is not worth it" but they know, I always let my "feelings" get the better of me.
I am stubborn. 
I let my emotions run my life.
I easily go with the flow and forget my own needs and desires...
drop things to make everyone happy and pretend I'm okay when I'm really not...
I am bad with my timing, I don't have enough patience.
I had courage to confess but not able to speak up and demand for what I want.
Sometimes I don't even know what I want...

Being agnostic I do not follow any one particular religion but believe there is more to life than just what us humans can control.
Call it god, karma, fate, destiny, or simply life, I believe everything happens for a reason.
The temporary hardship and pain you feel is but a way for life to teach you a valuable lesson. 
As much as you may want something, there is only so much you can do.
As hard as it is to accept and let go, for the sake of your loved ones and especially yourself, sometimes letting go is the best solution to all your problems.
When you do not care, you will not feel the pain either.
The status quo isn't ideal, but life is too short and I refuse to let it bring me down. 
I will focus on myself and try to tick off the things on my list first.
Once I am happy and comfortable with myself then hopefully I will know what I want.
Just let it be.

-- 28.12.15 --

Sunday, December 20, 2015

The List

There's always things I want to improve about myself. 

Here's a list I wish to tick off:

- Learning to say "no"
- Finding routine to my life
- Reduce swearing and be more ladylike
- Being on or ahead of time

- Health, fitness and weight loss 
- Learn to play the guitar
- Spring clean my wardrobe and donate excess clothing 
- Sort out my finances and set realistic budget and goals
- Correct my teeth to be confident when I smile and mean it
- Making effort with close friends and cutting out those who have a negative impact on my life
- Loving myself and being happy or at least content

I WILL achieve the above.

-- 20.12.15 --

Friday, December 18, 2015

Soulmate

I believe in soul mates.

Soulmates share everything with one another.
Soulmates challenge each other to better themselves.
Soulmates are not afraid to oppose one another because difference of opinion is to keep each other open minded.
Soulmates gives each other space to have their own life, interest, friends and freedom to be themselves.
Soulmates are honest, open and upfront with each other.
Soulmates care, notice and be there for one another.
Soulmates do things and don't expect anything in return. 
Soulmates begins with honesty and trust. 
Willingness to show your vulnerability to one another.
Willingness to give it all you've got.
Willing...

Lately I have put my mind and heart through countless sleepless nights...
I am tired, I am frustrated, I am heartbroken...
As hard as it is to swallow, what choice do I have?

One important lesson I have learned after everything is to love myself.
When I care about someone I lose myself and put them before my own needs and feelings.
I need to start putting myself first above all others.

What is the point of me pouring my heart out to someone if they do not care to listen?
What is the point of me suppressing my feelings to make everyone feel better, when I am hurting inside?
What is the point of me giving my all when the other person is just playing around with my feelings?
What is the point when love brings pain?... 
What is the point of my pain?...

They say love is a game for two.
Both have to be willing participants or it will never work.
Time for me to hang up my dancing shoes and leave this pointless solo performance.

-- 18.12.15 --

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Is it too soon?....

Before it was me who had pushed to have "the conversation". 
Now I'm scared...
Yes, I still hope and have not given up...
I don't know what to do so I pause the convo or change the conversation all together...
I know and I don't know...
What should I do?....

-- 15.12.15 --

Sunday, December 13, 2015

It's the little things that count

I am such a sucker for little gentalmanly gestures...
To be honest it was very unexpected.
Before I even showed any signs of being cold he had offered his jacket to me, of course with his usual banter before he offered it, but he still lent me his jacket :3
Thank you <3

Was an amazing feeling being back at my primary school even though it has changed a lot.
I felt a sense of belonging and pride as an alumni.

Today was a lot of fun just hanging out and doing outdoorsy activities as a group and yay I managed to hit the baseball to everyone's surprise haha
Basketball was something I was very interested in thanks to the anime Slam Dunk but never really had the fitness, courage or perseverance to pursue.
It was so much fun just being myself, pushing myself and showing my competitive side that is often hidden.

I know this is how I wish to live my life.
Being outdoor, trying new things, challenging and pushing myself, and not afraid to be myself.
That is one thing I really like about being with him, feeling at ease but also challenged to better myself.
Being disciplined and having some kind of routine in my life is such a great feeling.

I really like the feeling when we were in the same team - just "clicking" without effort and somehow it all fell into place with one look, one turn of the head, small signals and somehow being at the right place at the right time...
It just felt... right...

I'm in no way ready for the next stage yet.
I have a goal in mind and when I've achieved it, am more confident and happy with myself maybe then I will have the courage to have face to face round 3.....
For now, just continue to breath and live. 

-- 13.12.15 --

Saturday, December 12, 2015

我不想吃醋,我不要吃醋,我不要care

突然真的累了
老了的關係嗎?
我突然覺得其實沒那麼好玩…
心在他手掌裡隨時準備被拋棄的感覺…
好累…
貼心的你在哪?
你有感受到我的努力真誠嗎?
我不知道自己為什麼還指望什麼…
灰姑娘的夢,終究只是夢,人,還是要回到現實………

-- 12.12.15 --

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

傻瓜 Silly...

Don't know what to say...
Don't know whether to say he is thoughtful, or whether he has a lot of pride, or whether he is just... GAH! FRUSTRATING!
Cannot believe he put up with the pain just because of "smell"...
Silly boy!!!
Watching him limp as he walked away I was so tempted to follow him and make him get back in the car but I didn't want to impose...
I thought he was meeting someone else or something... Stupid jealousy... Stupid me...
Will he ever learn to take care of himself?
Will he ever put himself first before others?
I wish to take care of him and be there for him... 
Why does my feeling have to be even more present?... 
I have so much fun and time really flies when I'm with him...
I really do miss him...
What do I do?...

-- 8.12.15 --