Funeral

I think I am starting to accept my death.
When I was in my teens and all through out adulthood, the thought of death has always terrified me.




Funeral background music:
- Aerith's Theme - Piano https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVvRJN2jwC0
- Kodaline - All I want

Remedy - Adele [25]

Remedy by Adele

I remember all of the things that I thought I wanted to be

So desperate to find a way out of my world and finally breathe

Right before my eyes I saw, my heart it came to life

This ain't easy it's not meant to be

Every story has its scars

When the pain cuts you deep

When the night keeps you from sleeping

Just look and you will see

That I will be your remedy

When the world seems so cruel

And your heart makes you feel like a fool

I promise you will see

That I will be, I will be your remedy

No river is too wide or too deep for me to swim to you

Come whenever I'll be the shelter that won't let the rain come through

Your love, it is my truth

And I will always love you

Love you

When the pain cuts you deep

When the night keeps you from sleeping

Just look and you will see

I will be, I will be

When the world seems so cruel

And your heart makes you feel like a fool

I promise you will see

That I will be, I will be, I will be

Your remedy, oh

------------------------------------------------

So... I took the plunge and booked the plane ticket! 

Eeeeek!

Had an emotional roller coaster of a week almost a fortnight ago.

I hope we are now on the same page.

It was excruciatingly hard hearing him utter words that broke my heart.

Maybe it was exhaustion from work, maybe it was hormonal emotions, maybe it was just him putting her before me...

As hard as I tried, I couldn't stop myself from crying.

It was the first time I cried in front of him whilst video chatting.

I saw the exhaustion on his face, his eyelids struggling to stay open, so I muffled my cries and bid him goodnight.

That night I poured my heart out to him, long messages baring my soul.

His response was, in hindsight, his typical response not rushing to make a decision or commit to a promise he can't keep.

Oh, I was so hurt and barely kept up the pretense I was fine at work.

I am sorry for putting you in that position but what you were doing was not fair to two woman.

Hun, I need you to pick me, no matter what, no matter when...

You cannot be there for both her and I.

I cannot stand by you if you are putting her before me.

Right now it will be hard for you, your perspective will change and I hope you will come around.

As much as I feel for her circumstances, I will not forsake our future and happiness above hers.

To me she will become you past and a part of your life I wish to have no part in.

I am giving you all of me, and I wish the same back from you.

My friend said I am independent and low maintenance, however I am extremely emotionally needy.

I agree with him.

My friend raised the point: "To him you are good to have, but nothing really lost for him if you aren't there as well."

As much as I wish to disagree with him, there is truth behind his words for you have expressed similarly so in the past.

I know you have been burnt and so am skeptical and prepared for the worst.

However, I was so surprised to learn you cried the day after I messaged you.

You are not someone who easily shed a tear and have not done so in many years.

I do not know how much of it was caused by the pain of the possibility of us separating...

I wish from the bottom of my heart that we never get to say goodbye for good... Ever...

It was a tough decision for you but a must.

A clear distinction need to be made between the past, present and future.

I am your present and hope to be your future.

The moment you said you choose me I physically felt a sense of relief.

There was a part of me that doubted whether you would or not...

Your actions and decisions just made me feel like I was not a priority in your life...

Have to remind myself that you are not used to thinking in "we" and just dealing with issues on your own, it's not me, it's you and will take time to adjust.

You have been stressed with work and the uncertainties that lie ahead.

Hope there was something I could do to help.

You deal with things differently and I respect that.

A part of me still wish that you'd open up and talk to me...

Let me in...

I am here for you Hun.

I will be your remedy.

~ 12.03.17 ~

When you are with someone, BE there with them 100% instead of fucking them around and wasting their time.

Practice what you preach.
I can't be fucked arguing.

All I have to say.

~ 6.3.17 ~

Million Reason

Million Reason - Lady Gaga

You're giving me a million reasons to let you go

You're giving me a million reasons to quit the show

You're givin' me a million reasons

Give me a million reasons

Givin' me a million reasons

About a million reasons

If I had a highway, I would run for the hills

If you could find a dry way, I'd forever be still

But you're giving me a million reasons

Give me a million reasons

Givin' me a million reasons

About a million reasons

I bow down to pray

I try to make the worst seem better

Lord, show me the way

To cut through all his worn out leather

I've got a hundred million reasons to walk away

But baby, I just need one good one to stay

Head stuck in a cycle, I look off and I stare

It's like that I've stopped breathing, but completely aware

'Cause you're giving me a million reasons

Give me a million reasons

Givin' me a million reasons

About a million reasons

And if you say something that you might even mean

It's hard to even fathom which parts I should believe

'Cause you're giving me a million reasons

Give me a million reasons

Givin' me a million reasons

About a million reasons

I bow down to pray

I try to make the worst seem better

Lord, show me the way

To cut through all his worn out leather

I've got a hundred million reasons to walk away

But baby, I just need one good one to stay

Baby I'm bleedin', bleedin'

Stay

Can't you give me what I'm needin', needin'

Every heartbreak makes it hard to keep the faith

But baby, I just need one good one

Good one, good one, good one, good one, good one

When I bow down to pray

I try to make the worst seem better

Lord, show me the way

To cut through all his worn out leather

I've got a hundred million reasons to walk away

But baby, I just need one good one, good one

Tell me that you'll be the good one, good one

Baby, I just need one good one to stay

--------------------------

I'm crying.

I don't know why I suddenly feel this way.

It's as if....

As if... I need convincing to stay...

As if... He doesn't need me in his life anymore...

As if... He could be with or without me in his life...

I am just listening to the song and crying.

The tears keep flowing.

I need him.

Simple things like having his number.

I've asked so many times now.

He doesn't feel the need to give it to me.

I am kept out of his life.

Away...

Maybe the others are right...

He is hiding things from me...

Maybe he lied about going through divorce...

Maybe I am the bit on the side...

The bit he could be without...

The bit that can be tossed aside.

I don't know anymore...

I don't know...

I just feel...

This pain in my chest.

This ever increasing insecurity.

This doubt in my mind that causes so much pain.

Little does he know.

Little does he know...

~ 22.2.17 ~

Nothing Compares 2 U - Sinead O'Connor (original by Prince)

Nothing Compares 2 U - Sinead O'Connor (original by Prince)

It's been so lonely without you here

Like a bird without a song

Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling

Tell me baby where did I go wrong

I could put my arms around every boy I see

But they'd only remind me of you

I went to the doctor guess what he told me

Guess what he told me

He said girl you better try to have fun no matter what you do

But he's a fool

'Cause nothing compares, nothing compares to you

-------------------------------------------------

I know I shouldn't compare, but I can't help it.

I miss the guy that would drop everything for me.

I miss the guy who would prioritise me and put me above all else.

I miss the guy who made me feel loved without me asking or hinting him to.

He may not verbally be the most romantic or affectionate, but I knew he loves me.

He did not need to utter empty words or promises, his actions spoke louder than words.

He sometimes knew me better than I know myself.

I felt safe and secure in that relationship.

It's the little things that matter.

I am suppose to be happy in a relationship.

But, I'm not.

I'm, sad.

I don't want to continuously bring up the same things like a broken record player.

I can't help but compare you to what I used to have.

I'm not even frustrated anymore.

The minimal contact.

Awkward silences.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I don't know what to say anymore.

I don't know what I want anymore.

Guess I'll just get lost in work.

Forget about my loneliness.

Forget about my feelings.

Forget about my needs.

Forget about you...

Forget about us...

I feel so...

Alone.

~ 22.02.17 ~

Something

Sometimes when you get so involved with something and you give it your all, you just suddenly become so exhausted.

In the moment you just forget everything else around you, but as soon as you let go and allow yourself to feel, you become overwhelmed.

A friend experienced that in game, and maybe because I play the same role, I understand his frustration and stress.

I hope he bounces back from this phase and the others start really appreciating everything he does.

Deep down he is a genuinely nice guy and a core part of the group.

Maybe it was the mood I was in today as well, I felt like I really needed his time, attention and affection but I never got it.

I hinted, no, blatantly told him I've had a rough day and to be honest the only reason I stayed up was for him.

Waiting... 

Second priority...

Taken for granted...

The negativity rubbing off on me.

He didn't realise I was physically in pain and went to see someone about it on my break...

He didn't know I'm currently really stressed and exhausted at work...

He didn't know I was balling my eyes out earlier just at sad videos but also more because i needed to let it out...

He doesn't know because I didn't know how to bring it up and didn't want to face the disappointment of his answers.
He doesn't know because he doesn't ask...

Who knew disappointment could physically hurt.

When you're feeling stressed, there's nothing your partner can do about the situation.

What you really need is for him to be there for you.

Just listening and being empathetic, show you they care, or even just talk about something else as distraction.

Your company to make me feel less alone...

For him, he's not used to the emotional side of relationships - that's the excuse I use to cover up every time...

Doesn't really make me feel that much better sadly...

I try so hard to stay bubbly and positive in front of others, starting to feel like I need to be that way with him too...

I'm so exhausted...

I need... 

Something.

~ 20.02.17 ~

What am I to you?

I just want to feel like I matter to you.

While I'm crying you're happily playing with others.

Why do I bother staying up late helping when you don't seem to care about me?
I fucking hate feeling like I don't mean shit to you.

Why bother having a LS together when you won't even talk to me?
Why do I even bother or hope for anything?

You'd much rather spend time with others than me.

I fucking get it now.
Don't deal with me.

I'm trying so hard with the distance and time difference.
You don't even fucking know.
I'm tired, I rush home just so we can get some time together yet it's always shared with others.
Forget dates, forget proper just you and me time.
Watching movie together, getting married in game, doing roulettes together, saying you'll message me goodnight daily, us doing things together...
All but empty promises.

It's always me behind everyone else.
I'm not your priority clearly.

I hate my tears.
I hate this feeling in my chest.
I hate the way I fucking feel right now.
I hate that you don't even know nor care to ask.
I hate myself right now.

What is the point of being in a relationship if you don't interact?
What is the point of me being your girlfriend when I come second best behind your raid, your friends, your games?
What is the fucking point of the pain I'm feeling right now?
You don't care and can't be fucked dealing with me.
You don't care about me...

~ 11.02.17 ~