Let it be

Classic Beatles song - Let it be

When I find myself in times of trouble

Mother Mary comes to me

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be

And in my hour of darkness

She is standing right in front of me

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be

Let it be, let it be

Let it be, let it be

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

And when the broken hearted people

Living in the world agree

There will be an answer, let it be

For though they may be parted

There is still a chance that they will see

There will be an answer, let it be

Let it be, let it be

Let it be, let it be

Yeah, there will be an answer, let it be

Let it be, let it be

Let it be, let it be

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

Let it be, let it be

Ah, let it be, yeah, let it be

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

And when the night is cloudy

There is still a light that shines on me

Shine on until tomorrow, let it be

I wake up to the sound of music,

Mother Mary comes to me

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be

Let it be, let it be

Let it be, yeah, let it be

Oh, there will be an answer, let it be

Let it be, let it be

Let it be, yeah, let it be

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

------------------------------------------

Sometimes I often wonder why people bother to form attachments.

As the Chinese proverb goes: 天下沒有不散的宴席 - all good things must come to an end.

Friends, family, relationships, life, all will eventually come to an end.

The more attached you are to someone, the more painful the parting will be.

In the heat of the moment you forget about the potential pain and just go for it.
In hindsight, you start noticing reasons why it would not work, reasons why you should just remain in your little bubble of self protection and avoid feelings all together. 

My friends tell me "you deserve better", "he is not worth it" but they know, I always let my "feelings" get the better of me.
I am stubborn. 
I let my emotions run my life.
I easily go with the flow and forget my own needs and desires...
I drop things to make everyone happy and pretend I'm okay when I'm really not...

I am bad with my timing, I don't have enough patience.
I had courage to confess but not able to speak up and demand for what I want.
Sometimes I don't even know what I want...

Being agnostic I do not follow any one particular religion but believe there is more to life than just what us humans can control.
Call it god, karma, fate, destiny, or simply life, I believe everything happens for a reason.
The temporary hardship and pain you feel is but a way for life to teach you a valuable lesson. 
As much as you may want something, there is only so much you can do.
As hard as it is to accept and let go, for the sake of your loved ones and especially yourself, sometimes letting go is the best solution to all your problems.
When you do not care, you will not feel the pain either.
The status quo isn't ideal, but life is too short and I refuse to let it bring me down. 
I will focus on myself and try to tick off the things on my list first.
Once I am happy and comfortable with myself then hopefully I will know what I want.
Just let it be.

-- 28.12.15 --

The List

There's always things I want to improve about myself. 

Here's a list I wish to tick off:
- Learning to say "no"
- Finding routine to my life
- Reduce swearing and be more ladylike
- Being on or ahead of time
- Health, fitness and weight loss 
- Learn to play the guitar
- Spring clean my wardrobe and donate excess clothing 
- Sort out my finances and set realistic budget and goals
- Correct my teeth to be confident when I smile and mean it
- Making effort with close friends and cutting out those who have a negative impact on my life
- Loving myself and being happy or at least content

I WILL achieve the above.

-- 20.12.15 --

Soulmate

I believe in soul mates.

Soulmates share everything with one another.

Soulmates challenge each other to better themselves.

Soulmates are not afraid to oppose one another because difference of opinion is to keep each other open minded.

Soulmates gives each other space to have their own life, interest, friends and freedom to be themselves.

Soulmates are honest, open and upfront with each other.

Soulmates care, notice and be there for one another.

Soulmates do things and don't expect anything in return. 

Soulmates begins with honesty and trust. 

Willingness to show your vulnerability to one another.

Willingness to give it all you've got.

Willing...

Lately I have put my mind and heart through countless sleepless nights...
I am tired, I am frustrated, I am heartbroken...

As hard as it is to swallow, what choice do I have?

One important lesson I have learned after everything is to love myself.

When I care about someone I lose myself and put them before my own needs and feelings.

I need to start putting myself first above all others.

What is the point of me pouring my heart out to someone if they do not care to listen?

What is the point of me suppressing my feelings to make everyone feel better, when I am hurting inside?

What is the point of me giving my all when the other person is just playing around with my feelings?

What is the point when love brings pain?... 

What is the point of my pain?...

They say love is a game for two.
Both have to be willing participants or it will never work.
Time for me to hang up my dancing shoes and leave this pointless solo performance.

-- 18.12.15 --

Is it too soon?....

Before it was me who had pushed to have "the conversation". 
Now I'm scared...
Yes, I still hope and have not given up...
I don't know what to do so I pause the convo or change the conversation all together...
I know and I don't know...
What should I do?....

-- 15.12.15 --

It's the little things that count

I am such a sucker for little gentalmanly gestures...
To be honest it was very unexpected.
Before I even showed any signs of being cold he had offered his jacket to me, of course with his usual banter before he offered it, but he still lent me his jacket :3
Thank you <3

Was an amazing feeling being back at my primary school even though it has changed a lot.
I felt a sense of belonging and pride as an alumni.

Today was a lot of fun just hanging out and doing outdoorsy activities as a group and yay I managed to hit the baseball to everyone's surprise haha
Basketball was something I was very interested in thanks to the anime Slam Dunk but never really had the fitness, courage or perseverance to pursue.
It was so much fun just being myself, pushing myself and showing my competitive side that is often hidden.

I know this is how I wish to live my life.
Being outdoor, trying new things, challenging and pushing myself, and not afraid to be myself.
That is one thing I really like about being with him, feeling at ease but also challenged to better myself.
Being disciplined and having some kind of routine in my life is such a great feeling.

I really like the feeling when we were in the same team - just "clicking" without effort and somehow it all fell into place with one look, one turn of the head, small signals and somehow being at the right place at the right time...
It just felt... right...

I'm in no way ready for the next stage yet.
I have a goal in mind and when I've achieved it, am more confident and happy with myself maybe then I will have the courage to have face to face round 3.....
For now, just continue to breath and live. 

-- 13.12.15 --

我不想吃醋，我不要吃醋，我不要care

突然真的累了
老了的關係嗎？
我突然覺得其實沒那麼好玩…
心在他手掌裡隨時準備被拋棄的感覺…
好累…
貼心的你在哪？
你有感受到我的努力真誠嗎？
我不知道自己為什麼還指望什麼…
灰姑娘的夢，終究只是夢，人，還是要回到現實………

-- 12.12.15 --

傻瓜 Silly...

Don't know what to say...

Don't know whether to say he is thoughtful, or whether he has a lot of pride, or whether he is just... GAH! FRUSTRATING!

Cannot believe he put up with the pain just because of "smell"...

Silly boy!!!

Watching him limp as he walked away I was so tempted to follow him and make him get back in the car but I didn't want to impose...

I thought he was meeting someone else or something... Stupid jealousy... Stupid me...

Will he ever learn to take care of himself?

Will he ever put himself first before others?

I wish to take care of him and be there for him... 

Why does my feeling have to be even more present?... 

I have so much fun and time really flies when I'm with him...

I really do miss him...

What do I do?...

-- 8.12.15 --

∮13 對愛可望 Craving for Love - 楊宗緯 & 蔡健雅 Aska Yang & Tanya Chua

對愛可望 Craving for Love by 楊宗緯 & 蔡健雅 Aska Yang & Tanya Chua

Aska's version:

Tanya's version:

對愛渴望 Craving for love

Lyric作詞：管啟源
Composer作曲：蔡健雅 Tanya Chua
Arrangements編曲：鍾興民 Baby Chung
Original singer原唱：楊宗緯 Aska Yang

條件都已放寬 精彩又怎樣
Standards have been lowered, so what if its entertaining
愛情的使用量 盡量 減半
The amount of love used, try to halve the dosage
睡得太晚 夢太頻繁
Sleeping too late, dreaming too frequently
別來煩 幫個忙
Please help, stop disturbing me
獨自呢喃 天都快亮 又回想
Muttering alone, till almost sunrise, reminiscing again

無盡無盡的夜晚 打不烊的小酒館
Never, never ending night, a little bar that never shuts
沒有人急著回家 沒有人想各自回家
No one in a rush to go home, no one wants to go home alone
無盡無盡的夜晚 愛在舌尖上打轉
Never, never ending night, love at the tip of our tongue
測試他對我有 多瘋狂
Testing how crazy he is for me
原來只是精神上 對愛渴望
Turns out I only crave the thought of love
那麼嚮往 那麼困難
So idealised, so difficult

早適應了孤單 孤單不怎樣
Long used to loneliness, loneliness is not a big deal
愛人的使用量 盡量 健康
The amount of love you give, try to keep it healthy
睡得太晚 夢太頻繁
Sleeping too late, dreaming too frequently
別來煩 幫個忙
Please help, stop disturbing me
獨自呢喃 天都快亮 又回想
Muttering alone, till almost sunrise, reminiscing again

無盡無盡的夜晚 打不烊的小酒館
Never, never ending night, a little bar that never shuts
沒有人急著回家 沒有人想各自回家
No one in a rush to go home, no one wants to go home alone
無盡無盡的夜晚 愛在舌尖上打轉
Never, never ending night, love at the tip of our tongue
測試他對我有 多瘋狂
Testing how crazy he is for me
原來只是形式上
Turns out is just a formality
對愛渴望
Craving for love
那麼嚮往 那麼困難
So idealised, so difficult

對愛渴望 對愛渴望
Craving for love, craving for love
那麼嚮往 那麼困難
So idealised, so difficult
對愛渴望 對愛渴望
Craving for love, craving for love

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Love both versions of this song.

I love the tenderness of this song.

The song conveys almost giving up but not quite given up, so easy to empathise with in my current state...

You crave for the ideal love, but at the same time you are used to loneliness and prepared for the worse.

I thought I was prepared, but little things just drive me "loco"...
I know he likes or is interested in my best friend...
It sucks that I see them liking each other's posts, that he seems more interested in her than me...
I don't want to be the jealous girl who does crazy things, stalk, compare, get jealous, and feel insecure...
What has he done to me?...
If it were any other girl it would be easier, but it is my best friend...
I cannot hate my best friend, I cannot even begin to compare myself with her...
Growing up I've had countless experience of guys being friends with me to get to her...
Is he just another case of one of "those guys"?...
Yes, I will admit I was jealous and upset, to the point where I thought I was ready to give up... 

As I was talking to my other best friend possibly with tears in my eyes... the thought of giving up and losing him stopped me...
I know I am not fully comfortable with myself or happy in my current state, that is a big reason why I cannot and have not said anything to him in person...
I try to stay positive and think that maybe I'm just reading too much into it...
Maybe there is still a chance as Round 3 hasn't happened yet..
If he didn't care he wouldn't have done what he's done so far and said some things he's said right?...
Why would you bother so much with someone you are not interested in?...
He said when he becomes interested in a girl he does a LOT of digging, don't know if what he's doing now with my photos counts as "digging"...
A part of me do, and another big part of me don't wish for him to ever discover this blog...

The "First Round: I was prepared for the worse. 
Yes it was a rejection but I also had some pleasant surprise out of it in that he had actually considered it in the past.
I tried accepting it and being gracious with my "friend zone", telling him and helping him with my best friend (yes I'm a stupid masochist in a relationship and do what ever to make the other person happy even if it means hurting myself...)... 

The "Second Round" happened sooner than I had expected and I was not prepared. It was him being surprised that our star signs were compatible but he is scared of losing what we have got as friends, and I couldn't convince him otherwise...

After Round two we began "The Game"...
The oh so sweet flirting that has lead me to become so confused and conflicted right now...
The only one thing I know for sure now is I am not ready to face "Round 3".
As I said to him: I'm scared to initiate if I'm not confident with result. Would rather keep it as is in the current state at least I'm happy ish.

The lyrics of the song he quoted: Please be Careful with My Heart 
If you love me, like you tell me
Please be careful with my heart
You can take it, just don't break it
Or my world will fall apart
You are my first romance, and I'm willing to take a chance
That til life is through, I'll still be loving you

I will be true to you, just a promise from you will do

From the very start, please be careful with my heart

I am trying hard to keep a hold of my heart but it is so close to jumping out of my chest and defying logic and mind.

I'm an ENFP, the 'feeling' part of my personality is really in play right now...

I am scared of making the decision, just have to take it as each days come and hope for the best? 

I am in no head space to think at 5am in the morning while sleep deprived. 

What ever happens, I know I have my best friends here to support me.

I will be okay. 

-- 5.12.15 --

What do you mean?

Not a Belieber but I really like the acoustic version of 'What do you mean':

What do you mean? Oh, oh
When you nod your head yes
But you wanna say no
What do you mean? Hey-ey
When you don't want me to move
But you tell me to go
What do you mean?
Oh, what do you mean?
Said you're running out of time, what do you mean?
Oh, oh, oh, what do you mean?
Better make up your mind
What do you mean?

You're so indecisive, what I'm saying
Tryna catch the beat, make up your heart
Don't know if you're happy or complaining
Don't want for us to end, where do I start?

First you wanna go to the left then you wanna turn right
Wanna argue all day, make love all night
First you're up, then you're down and then between
Oh, I really want to know…

----- Delete lyrics after this as it basically repeats... -----
So... I am confused...
Mixed signals, confusing jokes, suggestive lyrics, flirtatious comments...
I miss you and want you back but I'm also slightly scared.
Scared that your return will be the end of this high...
End of exploring the other side of each other...
End of your so called "experiment"...
End of... "us"...

They are not kidding when they say guys are just as confused and indecisive as girls when it comes to relationships.
He keeps changing from joking ass to using words that just melt the wall I've built up...
What will happen I have no clue, I really cannot read it anymore.
When I finally get into "character" he then says things that suggest it could be real...
Just as I start having hope he douses it with simple words.

The excitement, disappointment, ups and downs, I don't know how much more of this suspense I can take.
At the end of the day is this all a joke to you?...
Was the sincerity I felt just an illusion?
Just wishful thinking?...
Are we going to get to "Round 3"?
They say third time lucky, but will it be?...
Trying not to have hope is so hard...
I'm scared...

-- 2.12.15 --