Proof - Coldplay / 證據 - 酷玩樂團

Proof - Coldplay

So I waited for you

What wouldn't I do?

And I'm covered it's true

I'm covered in you

If I ever want proof

I find it in you

Yeah I honestly do

In you I find proof

Light, dark

Bright spark

Light, dark, and then light

So I waited all day

What wouldn't I say

And all the thing in you way

Things happen that way

And if I ever want proof

Then I find it in you

Yeah I honestly do

In you I find proof

Light, dark

Bright spark

Light, dark, and then light

Light, light, light... light...

--------------

Today was the first time I heard this song and within the first chorus, I instantly stopped what I was doing and just listened.

The lyrics, the melody, the tone of Chris Martin's voice, it captivated me.

I found The Song that I would love to slow dance to at our wedding...

Yes I am jumping the gun, but we already talked about honey moon so...

Your face came to mind.

I imagined your arms around me.

Gazing into your eyes and seeing my face reflected in your beautiful blue eyes.

Lost in the melody, slowly rocking to the beat of the music.

Everyone, everything around us blurs.

It is as if time froze and it is just you and me.

Just You and Me.

Happiness.

Content.

Love.

Without the past, there is no present. 

Without darkness, there is no light.

Without the lows, there is no high.

Without the pain, there is no love.

Without you, I am incomplete.

I truly believe everything in the past, as painful as it may be, all are essential lessons that help shape us into who we are today.

We learn from the pain and hope to never make the same mistake again.

The pain reminds us of what is at stake and what we have to lose.

The moment of sweetness, that overwhelming feeling of happiness is the dream we chase.

Independence feels exhilarating, the freedom to do what ever you want and not being accountable to anyone else.

However, that companionship and satisfaction derived from sharing your life with a significant other is a craving that many yearn for.

This is not to say I cannot be happy or content while I am single. 

I have always known that I thrive better when I'm in a relationship.

I was loved as a child, but there seemed to always be something missing.

I grew up with a sense of loneliness and a void I wish to be filled.

Maybe it was all the TV dramas and romance novels that instilled this desire of finding my Mr Right.

The power of the media and societal pressure to create a desire of having someone to call your 'Love' and to 'live happily ever after'. 

The dramatisation of the process of finding love build up unrealistic expectations of what is to come.

It seems to be about the thrill of the chase and people forget about the hurdles couples face once they confirm their "status" of being in a relationship.

Being in a long distance relationship is not something I ever thought I would even consider.

I cannot pinpoint exactly what drove my desire to get to know him.

There was a sense of open honesty and respect from and for him.

Unconsciously I started following him around and the next thing I knew, we started talking and messaging.

Maybe it is the military background, maybe it was the way he carried himself, maybe it was his accent, maybe it was just him, what ever it was, I was hooked.

I was hooked and wanting to find out more about this guy whom I have never meet in person but just felt an instant attraction and connection to.

The conversation was never ending.

I was like a child with a million questions in my mind and he was the encyclopedia that contained the answers. 

We stayed up till ridiculous hours chatting.

I cherish those moments of honesty and our souls connecting both intellectually and emotionally. 

You had your doubts, not about me but yourself and your history...

Remember, you said the only thing you should be selfish in is love.

You sparked something within me that I thought was gone. 

In the space of less than one week you overshadow the person I have been trying to get to know for months. 

I had fallen for you, your personality, your charisma, your sense of humour, your values and beliefs, simply you.

You made me be the proactive one and actually ask for contact beyond the virtual realm. 

Without seeing you, I felt a strong connection I never thought I'd feel again.

There were mutual understanding, mutual desire, mutual eagerness but also fear.

You believed I would find someone better here and history would repeat itself.

Oh, if only you knew how badly I wanted to shake some sense into you.

I knew empty words would not convince you otherwise, only time will tell.

After some consideration I gave blatantly obvious "hints" to you.

The moment you said my name for the first time, my heart skipped a beat.

Thank you for stepping up and being the man, for having the courage to ask.

I never realised how special it feels to have someone utter your name.

It felt more than just someone addressing you and stating your name.

It felt like he was reaching out to my soul and asking if the Me deep down would be his girlfriend.

That moment was magical.

I was literately shaking. 

The first month seemed to have passed by in a blink of the eye.
The sixteen months ahead is a daunting thought...
Please Love, let us make this work.

~ 16.12.16 ~

Say You Won't Let Go....

James Arthur - Say You Won't Let Go

I met you in Idyllshire, you kept me up

You made me feel as though I was enough

We chatted the night away, we fell too hard

I held my breath back when

You first said my name

Then you opened up about your past

For a minute, I was truly shell shocked

I never expected any of this to happen

And you said you used up all your luck

I said, I already told ya

I think I am the lucky one

I knew I loved you then

But you'd never know

Cause I was so scared, I felt my heart breaking free

I knew I needed you

But I never showed

But I wanna stay with you until we're grey and old

Just say you won't let go

Just say you won't let go

I'll make you believe in love again

I'll show you what loyalty truly means

And I'll prove to you that 

We are worth the wait

And I'll thank my lucky stars for that night

When you asked me to be your girlfriend

For a minute, I forgot the distance between us

I wanna be with you right now

Oh, and you are as perfect as ever

And I swear that I'll love you for who you are

You make me feel this way somehow

I'm so in love with you 

And I hope you know

Darling your love is more than worth its weight in gold

We've come so far my dear

Look how we've grown

And I wanna stay with you until we're grey and old

Just say you won't let go

Just say you won't let go

I wanna live with you 

Even when we're ghosts

Cause you were always there for me when I needed you most

I'm gonna love you till

My lungs give out

I promise till death we part like in my dreams

So I wrote these verses for you, now everybody knows

Cause now it's just you and me till we're grey and old

Just say you won't let go

Just say you won't let go

Just say you won't let go

Oh, just say you won't let go

~ 10.12.16 ~

未知數 The Unknown

起初的炙熱瘋狂是否能燃燒到未來

Will the initial crazy passion burn till the end

愛能否跨越 時間 距離

Can love overcome time, distance

相逢時的幸福美滿是否能延續到老

Will the happiness of when we meet last till we are old

這一切發生的好突然

All this happened so suddenly

我不知道你說出愛我時帶著什麼心情

I don't know what you felt when you said "I love you"

該如何定義以及計算愛

How to define and calculate love

理智告訴我該害怕

Logic tells me to be scared

理智告訴我該放棄

Logic tells me to give up

理智告訴我該自我保護

Logic tells me to protect myself

理智告訴我別癡心妄想

Logic tells me to stop the wishful thinking 

你不知道我的脆弱

You don't know my weakness

你不知道我的黑暗

You don't know my darkness

我掩飾著我的懦弱

I hide my faint heart

我掩飾著我的不安

I hide my insecurities

是痴 是狂 在愛面前我再次淪陷

Its senselessness, its craziness, I fall down before love again

我願意相信

I am willing to believe

我願意付出

I am willing to give

我願意等

I am willing to wait

我願意傻

I am willing to be a fool

美好的未來幻想能否實現

Will the wonderful dreams of the future ever come true

只有時間能回答這個問題

Only time can answer this question

我帶著我的玻璃心與勇氣等著與你相逢的那日

With my fragile heart and courage, I await the day we meet

現在的我壓抑著負面思想只想繼續做這場夢

Right now I suppress the negativity and just want to continue living this dream 

努力說服自己我會有幸福的一天

Convincing myself I will have my happily ever after

你我一起踏上了我從來不會想像我會選擇的路

We embark on this journey I never thought I would choose

我選擇信任以及接受你的一切

I choose to believe and accept you as you are

你是否也接納完整的我以及充滿未知數的未來

Are you willing and able to accept me and our unknown future

我們能席手共度此生嗎？

Will we grow old together?

~ 10.11.16 ~

It's the little things that matter

Had a great day yesterday despite having to work over time on Saturday (can't complain about the extra $$).
Catching up with a good friend and seeing how much happier and content he is, the change in his attitude and outlook on life, I am happy for him.
Though his "plan" for me didn't quite work - it took the founding father of Taiwan 11 attempts before he succeeded; we will see... haha

I hope to give him some good new both career and ... other aspect wise soon~ 

The highlight of the day goes to spending time with someone that doesn't cease to bring a smile to my face.
Stealing looks at one another in the movie theater and little comments and jokes throughout the movie, you made a film that I normally wouldn't watch fun, laughter-filled and memorable. .

His little gestures throughout the evening really showed the gentleman that he is.
- Going out of his way to go to the theater that is more convenient for me
- Turning up early to pick me up
- Warning me to be careful of the big step/gap when getting out of the car (with me being someone that trips over thin air, there was high possibility I would kiss the concrete lol)
- Fighting to pay for everything
- Being considerate and checking if I was hungry or thirsty
- Letting me have the better seat and closer to the center of the screen
- Apologising and offering to run back alone to pay for parking because it was cold outside
- Being the one to carry things and pouring tea
- Smelling nice ^///^ yes! Smell does matter and I definitely appreciate guys who put in the effort to pick a nice scent and smell nice <3

There were many moments when my heart raced.
The hope I have suppressed for so long is starting to break free.
I start to want more again, I am scared but more excited about the prospect.
I want to trust... I want to feel... I think I am ready now...

I don't need extravagance.
I don't need roses, champagne and lavish gifts.
I appreciate the little things.
The little gestures showing you care penetrates my defenses.
I want to be with someone that cares and gives a damn.

I hope this is the start of something good.

~ 16.10.16 ~

成長 Growth

一年前的我寫了這篇文章:
至：愛過的人

光良 - 那些愛過的事:
"只是我愛過你的事，卻像跟著我的影子
遺憾的是你看不到，我還在愛著你的樣子"


曾經屬於我們共同的物品隨著時間逐漸損壞，如同變了質的牛奶，味道變了只能廢棄…
看著這些物品想起曾經的點點滴滴我還是止不住淚水…
想起那些甜言蜜語，真是天真又傻。
山無崚，天地合，乃敢與君絕…好美…卻不切實際…

你讓我嚐到了被愛與寵溺的甜蜜，同時也體會了愛帶來的痛與煎熬…
我嘗試跨越心裡的恐懼去接納他人卻一再地碰壁，熱臉貼冷屁股，真心換絕情…
愛 好累 好傷

多希望曾經的諾言能實現，我們現在過的是曾經計畫著的生活…
不知現在的你過的如何，我只能遠遠的祝福你，希望你能過你要的平淡、簡單的幸福日子。

我累了，找不到人生的方向，不知道該如何走下去，追求什麼…

曾經你是我的未來，我的指南針。
現在我必須靠自己的力量去尋找人生迷宮的出口。
若碰了壁就往回走找新的路，總有一天會找到出口。
就算出不去至少我也努力過，而不是在原地不動的等不會出現的"白馬王子"。
我會好好地誠實面對自己，不再幻想祈求什麼。
做自己堅強的走下去。

~ 10.06.15 ~

http://mynostalgicmelodies.blogspot.co.nz/2015/06/blog-post.html


A year ago I wrote the above post:

For: The one I loved,

Michael Wong - All that I loved: 

"The memories of when I used to love you is like the shadows following me.

The most regrettable is you not seeing how I still love you."

What used to belong to us slowly over time break and wear out, just like spoiled milk, the taste has changed and can only be thrown out...

Looking at these objects, I reminiscence our past together and cannot stop the tears from flowing...

Remembering those sweet promises, so naive and silly.

When the mountains have flattened, the sky and earth become one, then I dare separate from you/// so beautiful... but unrealistic...

You allowed me to taste love and sweetness of being spoiled, but also experience the pain and heartache love brings...

I tried to overcome my internal fear of accepting someone else but constantly stumble over the hurdle, being over eager and shut down, giving my heart and having it broken again and again...

Love. So tiring. So painful.

I wish the original promises were kept and we are living the lives we had planned...

Don't know how you are doing now, I can only wish you well from afar, hope you are living the peaceful and simple happy life you wanted.

I'm tired, I can't find my life's direction, I don't know how to continue on, chase what...

You used to be my future, my compass.

Now I must rely on my own strength to find the exist to the maze of life.

If I hit a dead end I will turn around and find a new path, I will find the exist one day.

Even if I cannot escape at least I tried, instead of standing still and waiting for the "prince charming" that will never appear.

I will truly face reality and myself, no longer fantasize anything. 

Be myself and find the strength to continue on.

---------

Reading the above post I could not help but be proud of how mentally strong I have become.

I remember the pain I felt, how can I forget something so excruciatingly painful?

But I have overcome it.

I do not regret anything, it was all lessons learnt.

I am more realistic and independent compared to who I was.

I do not know what will happen but know I will not lose myself again.

I am starting to love myself.

I accept my "imperfections" and let go of expectations.

I do things at my own pace and answer to no one but myself.

I know who and what matter to me the most.

I am learning to realise and see people for who they are and what they have done to me.

It is NOT okay to be used.

I won't put up with the way I have been treated.

I will fight my own battles and earn the respect I deserve.

Some people simply do not know how to respect people and it is their loss.

Growth ^o^v

~ 17.9.16 ~

Missed - Ella Henderson

Missed by Ella Henderson

You think you’re missed, well let me tell you this

The love I felt for you has flown away

And now you see what you’ve done to me

So all I can ask is why, why, why

You made us feel like one

I should have known that you were wrong

Oh yeah, you did it on your own, now you gotta go

Oh no, I won’t let you get me down

You tried to hurt my feelings

You stopped me dreaming

But here I draw the line

I wish you luck in life and goodbye

You let me think that you were so, so true

Looks like truth can lie

You want me to go from a high straight down to a low

With all the excuses here, the reasons there, they’re everywhere

Chasing rainbows can be fun

Been chasing you for so long

Oh yeah, you did it on your own, now you gotta go

Oh no, I won’t let you get me down

You tried to hurt my feelings

You stopped me dreaming

But here I draw the line

I wish you luck in life and goodbye

~ 11.9.16 ~

I Can't Make You Love Me

I Can't Make You Love Me

Original by Bonnie Raitt 

Turn down the lights

Turn down the bed

Turn down these voices inside my head

Lay down with me

Tell me no lies

Just hold me close, don't patronize

Don't patronize me

'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't

You can't make your heart feel something it won't

Here in the dark, in these final hours

I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power

But you won't, no you won't

'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

I'll close my eyes, then I won't see

The love you don't feel when you're holding me

Morning will come and I'll do what's right

Just give me till then to give up this fight

And I will give up this fight

'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't

You can't make your heart feel something it won't

Here in the dark, in these final hours

I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power

But you won't, no you won't

'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

-----------------

Cover by Kurt Hugo Schneider & Alex G

Last but not least, James Arthur's short cover

I really loved James Arthur from the get go with his first audition cover of Tulisa's "Young". 

Never looked Tulisa up until I heard James' cover. 

He breathes a different rawness of pain and emotion along with his very sexy accent haha

A  lot of people resonate with the lyrics and emotions conveyed. 

Another contestant that blew me away from X Factor UK is Ella Henderson with her cover of "Believe" by Cher <3

"Well I know I will get through this. 

Well I know I am strong. 

I don't need you anymore...

Do you believe in life after love?"

I believe.

~ 11.9.16 ~

Let Me Go

Let Me Go 

Love that once hung on the wall

Used to mean something, but now it means nothing

The echoes are gone in the hall

But I still remember, the pain of December

Oh, there isn't one thing left you could say

I'm sorry it's too late

I'm breaking free from these memories

Gotta let it go, just let it go

I've said goodbye

Set it all on fire

Gotta let it go, just let it go

You came back to find I was gone

And that place is empty,

Like the hole that was left in me

Like we were nothing at all

It's not what you meant to me

Thought we were meant to be

Oh, there isn't one thing left you could say

I'm sorry it's too late

I'm breaking free from these memories

Gotta let it go, just let it go

I've said goodbye

Set it all on fire

Gotta let it go, just let it go

I let it go and now I know

A brand new life is down this road

And when it's right, you always know

So this time I won't let go

There's only one thing left here to say

Love's never too late

I've broken free from those memories

I've let it go, I've let it go

And two goodbyes led to this new life

Don't let me go, don't let me go

Don't let me go, don't let me go, don't let me go, don't let me go

Won't let you go, don't let me go

----------------------

Changing to a new phone and giving my old phone to a person who would put it to good use.

Before I hand the phone to it's new owner, I was confronted by the task of removing traces my past off the phone.
Browsing through the photos of our life together I see the genuine smile, loving gaze and chemistry behind the lens.
Our Love was real.

While browsing, I unintentionally stumble across something that I should have expected but the news managed to take me by surprise and knock me out in one single hit.

No I have not completely let go.

These tears, this pain, the bitter taste in my mouth...

The flashback begins.
 As reality sets in the pain spreads throughout my body.

I thought I would be okay, but who am I kidding?

You overestimated my ability to move on.

You found your family and left me shattered and broken.

I am broken and cannot be mended.

It is as if while I was absentmindedly wondering down memory lane, a 12 tonne truck speed past at 100kmph and knocked me high up into the air.

Screech.

Bang.

Crack.

Silence.

You left me lying in the middle of the road bleeding while you ran off and continued on your journey.
I am the almost roadkill.
I survived, revived by medics and drugs called friends.
You continue on with your life and new family as if nothing had happened.

Even after we had ended, I never blamed you and made excuses to justify your actions while I was falling apart inside.

So many regrets, so much more I wish we could have done, so much I wish I had said to you.

I blamed myself and everything attached to me.
This pain reminds me of the cost of love.

I really love(d) you.
I was blind.

Reading that letter I wrote to you years ago brought tears to my eyes.

You may have torn the letter up and forgotten, but I still remember.

Maybe I will keep that promise I made...

You were my one and only.

You were the one I wished to spend the rest of my life with.

You were the only one I wish to marry and start a family with.

You were the one I gave my complete unconditional love and trust to.

I do not want you back nor do I wish to disturb your family.

Actions speak louder than words.

You action spoke on that fateful night 2 years ago at the petrol station when I came across that message.

What ever comes of me will be of little concern to you now.

You made your decision when you cheated emotionally.

As I hit the "reset" button on the phone, gone are the chat history, the traces of what we once were, the carrier of our past...

What remains is the memories, emotions and lessons I learnt.

You taught me the hardest lesson in life that I have yet to master.

Letting go...

~ 23.8.16 ~

寧可孤單也不願再錯愛...

喜歡與愛只隔著薄薄模糊不清的縫隙

曾經我把對一個人的好感錯認為愛,一而再再而三的受可避免的傷..

沉澱後的我想清楚了,寧可孤單也不願再錯愛..

或許我不會再愛了那也沒關係,珍惜我現在所擁有的一切,不再強求不屬於我的一切.

我要努力的愛自己,讓自己開心,找到並做真正的我.

為了自己改變.

Liking and loving are separated by a blurry line.

I used to mistake my liking of someone as love, falling for avoidable pain over and over again. 

After clearing my mind for awhile I have come to the conclusion that I would rather be lonely than fall for the wrong person again.

It is fine if I won't ever love again, I won't take for granted what I already have, stop chasing what does not belong to me. 

I will really try to love myself, make myself happy, find and be the real me. 

Change for myself. 

知足

Content 

~ 22.8.16 ~

Like I'm Gonna Lose You - Meghan Trainor

Like I'm Gonna Lose You - Meghan Trainor

Cover by Jemma Johnson

In the blink of an eye

Just a whisper of smoke

You could lose everything

The truth is you never know

So I'll kiss you longer baby

Any chance that I get

I'll make the most of the minutes and love with no regrets

Let's take our time

To say what we want

Use what we got

Before it's all gone

'Cause no, we're not promised tomorrow

So I'm gonna love you

Like I'm gonna lose you

I'm gonna hold you

Like I'm saying goodbye wherever we're standing

I won't take you for granted 'cause we'll never know when

When we'll run out of time so I'm gonna love you

Like I'm gonna lose you

I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you

--------------------------

Really love Jemma Johnson's voice.

An underrated YouTube singer.

There is just that something extra with acoustic covers slowing down the melody and allowing listeners to feel and really engage with the lyrics .

I also really love Jemma's cover of Love Story by Taylor Swift

Maybe I have lost my ability to love and trust.

For now I am happily connecting with love songs on a less intimate but appreciative level.

So much to do, so little time.

There is strength and will from within that drives me to continue.

I have changed.

I have grown.

I am happier.

I am free

~ 6.8.16 ~

i hate u, i love u - gnash (ft. olivia o'brien)

i hate u, i love u

Do you miss me like I miss you?

Fucked around and got attached to you

Friends can break your heart too, and

I'm always tired but never of you

If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn't like that shit

I put this real out, but you wouldn't bite that shit

Caution tape around my heart

You ever wonder what we could have been?

You said you wouldn't and you fucking did

Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix

Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all fucking mixed

Always missing people that I shouldn't be missing

Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance

I know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing

When love and trust are gone

I guess this is moving on

Everyone I do right does me wrong

So every lonely night, I sing this song

I hate you I love you

I hate that I love you

Don't want to, but I can't put

Nobody else above you

I hate you I love you

I hate that I want you

You want her, you need her

And I'll never be her

All alone I watch you watch her

Like she's the only girl you've ever seen

You don't care you never did

You don't give a damn about me

Yeah all alone I watch you watch her

She's the only thing you've ever seen

How is it you'll never notice

That you are slowly killing me

-------------------------------

This was exactly how I felt a while back. 

To a tee.

I no longer carry the burden of my unwanted feelings on my shoulder.

Dumped my feelings into the pit of how little you really cared about me.

Your manipulation and lies costs you my trust and everything attached.

You do not understand love.

I thought I understood you but it was just an idealised image.

Master manipulator or lost soul pretending to be someone he's not.

You be the judge of your own life.

You killed me.

You lost me.

~ 4.8.16 ~

∮16 如果你還在就好了 Wish you were here - 信 Shin

如果你還在就好了 Wish You Were Here - 信 Shin

Lyricist 作詞：施人誠 Derek Shih

Composer 作曲：金貴晟 Gui Cheng Jin

Arranger 編曲：JerryC

就讓我這樣子漂流著

Let me drift like this

我很好 沒事的

I am great, nothing wrong

潛入這條溫柔琥珀河

Dive into this comforting amber lake

世界就安靜了

World become silent

不想再和誰爭辯什麼了 罵的我都認了

Don't want to argue with anyone, accept what ever I have been accused off

也是該跟人生和好了

About time to make up with life

都已經幾歲了

About the right age

所有渴望追求想要的

Everything I craved, chased and wanted

看起來 都有了

Appears as if I have it all

而那些曾經很過不去的 不也都過去了

All those I couldn't overcome in the past, are now but the past

只是到了第六 第七杯 就又無力招架想你了

But when its the sixth, seventh drink, I couldn't resist thinking about you

整個人就一截 一截塌了

My whole body crumbles, one piece after another

堵塞的淚腺 終於通了

The clogged up tear duct finally clears

你一定知道我怎麼了 是心比胃先潰瘍了

You must know what is wrong with me, my heart burst before my stomach 

那個洞永遠都痛著 如果你還在就好了

That forever painful gap, wish you were here

敬這無言以對的時刻

Toast to this speechless moment

打烊了 該走了

Closing time, should leave now

生命的規定是如此嚴格

Life's rules always this strict

誰能失而復得

Who can get back what they've lost

沒有了你 我算什麼

Without you, what am I

乾掉世界 又如何

Scull the world dry, and so what

漫長歲月 索然無味

Long years, bland and empty

如果你還在就好了

Wish you were here

----------------------------------------------

I still miss you...

I wonder what it would be like right now if you were here.

Despite telling myself I am happy, you left behind a void of where you once belonged.

I know I shouldn't, I know but my mind wonders...

You may not be my final destination but am the stop that changed the course of my life. 

The journey left a permanent mark on my carriage that I could never forget.

You are etched in both my heart and mind.

Bitter sweet memories I recall so vividly as if it just happened the other day.

The other day was more than two years ago now...

Time passes by so quickly, what we had, will it become a faded memory one day?

Some days I feel empty, some days insecure, some days I just wish for it all to end.

I haven't cried for a long time now, I do not understand why I feel this way all of a sudden.

My tears are trying to smooth over and cover up the gash you left behind.

Futile attempt at forgetting.

Somehow, the pain just oozes.

I am trying, I really am. 

I wish to be happy and am giving it a real go.

I just can't bare my all to anyone as I had with you.

Will I ever be able to feel as comfortable and safe as falling asleep in your arms, listening to the sound of your steady heartbeat, dreaming of our future together...

Reality eroded my optimism and the cynic reigns.  

I lost my innocence.

I can't go back.

~ 4.8.16 ~

We Don't Talk Anymore

We Don't Talk Anymore - Cover by Alex Aiono & Diamond White

We don't talk anymore

We don't talk anymore

We don't talk anymore

Like we used to do...

We don't love anymore

What was all of it for?

Ohh, we don't talk anymore

I just hope you're lying next to somebody

Who knows how to love you like me

There must be a good reason that you're gone

Should've known your love was a game

Oh, it's such a shame

That we don't talk anymore...

---------------

I have let go of you now.

It is such a shame how two people who were once so close have become strangers.

More and more things I find out about you the more disappointed I become.

You are no longer placed on a pedistol, I see you for who you are.

You taught me an important lesson, and all I will do now is just thank you.

Finally seeing you for who you really am.

No more being played.

No more avoidable pain.

No more you...

~ 7.7.16 ~

Dicksand

"I am so obsessed with the idea of being in love that I just, its like, I completely lose myself.

I forget what I want and I just disappear."

--- Alice in How To Be Single

I am dragging myself out of the dicksand.

I am giving myself a real chance.

I only ever wish to be with someone who loves me for being me.

Out is the shame of facing who I really am.

Out is the fear of rejection.

Out is the old me that changed for the sake of filling someone else's mold.

I will cherish my time of being alone be it days, weeks, months or years.

I want to find that moment where I stand on my own.

Really, truly, Single.

And then...

~ 14.6.16 ~

Thinking and feeling logically

Knowing what the logical way to think and thinking logically are two different things.

I know what the logical way to think is but am not thinking logically. 

Logic says I should have moved on and not care, but sadly my mind and emotions are never logical.

The realization still upsets me but is a lot easier to deal with than the previous alternative.

I don't want to be the girl waiting, waiting for the impossible, waiting for the inevitable, waiting for emptiness, waiting for more pain...

Friends one day will drift apart, family is a relation but not necessarily a relationship, partners are no longer for life.

It was bound to happen and I should not be surprised, nothing in life but death is certain.

All that I am now is but a friend, a disposable, unimportant friend...

Thank you for your gift, even if it was given in the name of someone else...

I still know and thank you for thinking of me, whether it is out of duty to "repay me" or more...

Mogi and Chewchi are both reminders of what I mean to you, just a friend.

Giving advise to my "brother" who was in your previous circumstance made me realise and appreciate how patient you were with me.

As I said to my friend, he/you owe nothing to her/me. 

Some people are better to remain as friends as the unwanted feelings become a burden and pushes the other person further apart.

Saying "I do not expect anything in return" was a lie.
I did all that I did because I wanted something in return, I wanted more than a friendship with you but that ship has sailed long ago.

As I start thinking and feeling the moment I stop myself from going down that track.

What is the point of these unwanted feelings to you?

What is the point of allowing myself to feel?

Seeing how my "brother" reacted to a similar situation, I do not wish to be like the girl.

I want to be in that position where we can be comfortable and enjoy each other's company again.

I wish to move on from this.

I am keeping my emotions in check, choosing to remain quiet rather than utter words that are meaningless to you.

This I can do.

I can remain silent.

Silent for you. 

-- 5.6.16 --

Ray of Positivity

In this day and age where social media is readily available and you can instantly be connected to most people, some how we wind up being more distant and disconnect than before the social media Era.  

I enjoy and miss having meaningful discussions with close friends about how we really am, really think, really feel and what is actually on our mind. 

Leaving the city on a weekend day trip to see a close friend made me appreciate the freedom and independence of being me.

Despite the not so perfect ending to the day with the pouring rain and speeding fine (oops... I deserve that fine.. >. <"), I still thoroughly relaxed and found comfort in my friends company.

I admire his clear mind and the methodical, efficient way he goes about his day and do things. 

Despite the circumstances he still does not let his emotions cloud his judgement as to what he is after and won't settle for anything less.

His blunt honesty, openness, wicked sense of humor,  being unashamed of who he is and what he stands for are characteristics that is hard to come by.

We both keep each other going and motivated knowing despite everything, we still have someone out there that understands and doesn't judge. 

We accept and like each other for exactly who we are and don't have to hide our true selves around each other. 

I hope we can continue these weekend getaways in the future. 

Another friend who recently found a new job commented she found I was a lot more positive than I previously was.

She is right. 

I have let go completely and am okay to just forget and move on. 

Life is too short so let's not waste any more time than I have already. 

In the heat of the moment I'm stubborn. 

Seeing a similar situation unfold with my best friend gave me perspective of how foolish I was acting and come to the realization of how the other party may have felt. 

For once, I actually do regret some of my actions.

I could have responded better and acted more mature but I let my emotions get the best of me. 

Now I pay the consequences and I've come to accept everything. 

Yes there are still insecurities and hidden trigger points but I have come to just focus on the positives and not let anything else bring me down. 

I am much happier. 

-- 30.5.16 --

趁我還愛你,你可以不要錯過我嗎?

當愛情來的太快,有些人畏懼改變。

只是朋友吧、保持現在的關係比較好。

即使表面否定了愛的感覺，它還是會產生一股看不見得反作用力，推動著你前進直到你發現它的存在。

如果不想把遺憾留到未來，請就試著想像這是世界的最後八秒鐘。

在每個愛的當下請及時把握。

這一刻，愛吧！

我那麼喜歡你，你可以也喜歡我嗎？

From 這一刻，愛吧！

When love arrives so suddenly, some people are scared of change.

Just be friends, better keep to the status quo. 

Despite appearing to dismiss the feeling of love, it will still create an invisible reaction, pushing you forward till you acknowledge its existence.

If you do not want to have any regrets in the future, please try to pretend this is the world's last eight second.

In front of every moment of love, please make the most of it.

In this moment, love!

I really like you, can you like me too?

Open minded

Learning to keep my mind open. 

Scared as I may be, I won't get anywhere in life without living a little.
So here I am, open to suggestions, trying not to be skeptical.
Not letting what used to bother me get to me.
Exercising my circle of control and changing the way I react to things. 

Learning to let go all together.
Learning to start again.
Learning to be brave.

-- 20.5.16 --

Jealous - Labrinth

Jealous by Labrinth

Original by Labrinth

Cover by Daniel de Bourg 

Acoustic Cover by Will Gittens

As I sink in the sand

Watch you slip through my hands

Oh, as I die here another day, yeah

Cause all I do is cry behind this smile

I wished you the best of

All this world could give

And I told you when you left me

There's nothing to forgive

But I always thought you'd come back

Tell me all you found was

Heartbreak and misery

It's hard for me to say

I'm jealous of the way

You're happy without me

------------------------

I am jealous 

Jealous I can't be the one to make you happy

Jealous I can't be the one by your side

Jealous I can no longer feel your touch

Jealous I am not the now nor the future

Jealous your talks of "we" no longer mean you and me

Jealous your name is no longer linked to mine

-- 14.5.16 --

∮15 成全 Step Aside - 劉若英 Rene Liu

成全 Step Aside - 劉若英 Rene Liu

Composer 作曲 陳小霞 Salsa Chen

Lyricist 作詞 施立/陳沒 Li Shi / Mo Chen

看著你和她走到我面前　微笑地對我說聲　好久不見

Watching you and her walk towards me, smiling and said to me "long time no see" 

如果當初沒有我的成全　是不是今天還在原地盤旋

If I had not stepped aside originally, will we still be going around in circles

不為了勉強可笑的尊嚴　所有的悲傷丟在　分手那天

Not for the sake of the laughable pride, dumped all the pain on the day we broke up

未必永遠才算愛得完全　一個人的成全　好過三個人的糾結

Forever does not necessarily mean to love to the fullest, some one stepping aside is better than three people vacillating

我對你付出的青春這麼多年　換來了一句　謝謝妳的成全

I invested so many years of my youth in you, in return I got from you "thank you for stepping aside"

成全了你的瀟灑與冒險　成全了我的碧海藍天

Let you go to venture and be free, let me soar to find my blue skies

她許你的海誓山盟蜜語甜言　我只有一句　不後悔的成全

She gave you sweet promises, I leave you with just one sentence "step aside with no regrets"

成全了你的今天與明天　成全了我的下個夏天

Stepping aside for your today and tomorrow, stepping aside for my next summer

-----------------------------------

I came across this song while watching the TV show - 滾石愛情故事 Rock Records In Love (Episode 4).
This series consists of 20 episodes directed by 15 directors and 10 screenwriters that transformed 20 classic Rock Records songs into love stories.
This episode follows a young couple who meet in drama class and fell in love.
I particularly love the scene where the lead male and lead female were only friends who got slightly tipsy in the classroom and started sharing their personal lives and feelings.
The vulnerability and trust between the characters were convincingly portrayed.
The guy let his guard down and told the girl about what pains him - his mum being in another relationship, seeing his mum being intimate with her new partner, his father's passing.
The girl comforts him by trying to get him to see another perspective, questioning him whether he wishes for his mum to be happy but also acknowledging and validating his feelings.
It was this night the chemistry between the two changed.
In life we are lucky to meet someone who is willing to listen, to understand, to care, to be there for one another and share both the happiness but also the pain.

Like all dramas, something always goes wrong and this young love turns sour when the guy cheats on the girl with her best friend.
The girl did not cause a fuss nor beg the guy to leave her friend, instead she left the guy after slapping him across the face.
Fast forward the girl is now a successful career woman and encounters the guy at a less ideal situation, tripping over and landing flat on her face.
The guy questions why the girl left things the way she did, and did she love him at all.
The girl responds that she stepped aside for herself.
Later she makes the comment "有時候愛的方式不是靠近，而是保持距離" sometimes to love is not being close but to keep your distance.
This applies to love for the other person, but also self love.
It comes hand in hand with two principles I firmly believe:
- To love someone, you need to love yourself first
- You should love someone how they wish to be loved, not how you think they should be loved.
Despite how much I loved K, he had made his decision, to love him and myself was to let him go.
Despite how much I wish to be with my friend, I have to keep my distance as that is what he wants and I also need to focus on myself more.
Don't get me wrong, this does not mean I am someone who gives up easily.
Had I known there was the slightest chance they would change their mind, I would give it all I've got and fight for the two of us even if they have given up.
Both know how stubborn I may be.

I no longer am waiting around and hoping for something to happen.
A friend's analysis of my previous predicament has provided an alternative perspective on my friends' action which has helped me move on a bit more.
I let my pessimism get the best of me and assume the worse of myself.
I fail to love myself and always put others first.
I forget to love someone how they wish to be loved and my love becomes a burden.
Time and time again, I need to learn to love myself before getting emotionally invested in anyone else.
As hard as it may be, I am keeping my distance and getting accustomed to how things were before everything happened.
I have no regrets confessing and doing everything I did.
There is no point dwelling on the "what ifs" and what could have been.
I am proud of my courage, glad I felt the feelings, and thankful to have loved.

No one knows what the future holds.

No one can promise forever and never changing heart.
Single to relationship, relationship to marriage, marriage to divorce, divorce to single, single to new relationship. 

We jump onto the carousel to experience the journey while hoping when it stops, we leave with a smile. 

I am learning to smile no matter where I get off.

-- 8.5.16 --

La Douleur Exquise

The exquisite pain of wanting someone that you know you can never have, and knowing that you will still try to be with them.

The Past came creeping back...

All I want - Kodaline

All I want is nothing more

To hear you knocking at my door

Cause if I could see your face once more

I could die a happy man I am sure

When you said your last goodbye

I died a little bit inside

I lay in tears in bed all night

Alone without you by my side

But if you loved me

Why did you leave me

Take my body

Take my body

All I want is

And all I need is

To find somebody

Find somebody

Cause you brought out the best of me

A part of me I never see

You took my soul and wiped it clean

Our love was made for movie screens

But if you loved me 

Why did you leave me

Take my body

Take my body

All I want is

All I need is

To find somebody 

Find somebody

If you loved me

Why did you leave me

Take my body

Take my body

All I want is

And all I need is 

To find somebody

Find somebody

Like you

--------------------------

It has been over 2 years since K and I last spoke.
One would think and hope that I have moved on but in reality he will forever hold a place in my heart.
K influenced me to become the person I am today, for better or worse who knows?
Call it a moment of weakness, call it an emotional relapse, call it an impulse, earlier this week I reached out to K. 

It is the second time I had a nightmare about K being bed bound and in a lot of pain.
Likely spurred by reading of 「Me Before You」by Jojo Moyes, I woke sweating and shaking in fear with an urge to check up on him.
Before I could stop myself I had messaged him "Hi, how are you?".
His response was surprisingly prompt and asked if everything was alright with me since we haven't spoken in over two years.
I reassured him I was alright, simply wanted to know how he was doing and apologized for disturbing him.
His next reply brought out the waterworks and the all too familiar pain in my chest.

He said:
- If I ever need help he will always be here for me.
- I need to stop worrying and thinking about him, I have my own life to live and to try live more happily.
- I need to stop apologising to others, I'm not the one at fault a lot of times and actually am the one people should apologise to, him included.
- I need to have more confidence.
- As time goes by he realises and appreciates more my kindness and forgiveness.
- He wishes me forever happiness.

Though he never answered my question of whether he was okay, I knew I should not pursue that topic.
Who am I to be the one worrying about him?
I am his past and shall remain in his past.
It is his wife and family that will be by his side, all I can do now is but wish him joy and happiness and be thankful for the cherished moments shared.
That night I felt the emotional baggage drifting away along the current of my tears.
The pain was there, but there was something more.
Closure.

I do not need to know why he left her for me anymore.
I do not need to know whether his decision was right or wrong.
I let go of the hope that one day we could pick up where we left off (yes, despite all the reassurances I gave to my friends, I can't deny that the thought has not crossed my mind).
I really forgive him.
I moved on.

I may relapse, that is perfectly fine.
I have accepted the past and am finally breaking free of the emotional shackles I locked myself up in.

All that I had wanted is now in the past.
All I want now is finding my happiness.
I want to be my own happiness.
I want to be truly happy.

-- 20.4.16 --