Sharing personal past stories...
Sharing what really bothers me...
Sharing my fear and insecurities...
Terrified I would scare you away...
We are skating on really thin ice...
I cant help how I feel and continuously tell myself to be careful and not fall...
I just can't stop myself...
Despite my feelings I just can't bring myself to verbally, face to face tell you how I feel...
I... am lost for words...
I am unprepared...
Scared of being hurt...
Scared of rejection...
Scared of losing you...
When I do things for other people I dont expect anything in return.
I find happiness in spoiling people I like and making someone happy.
In a way I also do it for myself.
Kind gestures to redeem for my karma, oh yes, there have been moments of my life that im not proud of...
Thinking about karma and the after life scares me.
Sometimes I think it is just easier if I could believe theres nothing beyond this life and could adopt the "yolo" attitude, sadly im an over thinker.
The past few days I have been thinking.
I do not expect anybody to change themselves for me.
They dont owe me anything, even "promises" are often broken.
The temporary pain and tears are nothing to anyone else but me.
I need to lower my expectations but also not "settle" for anything less than what I want.
I am someone of their words.
Mark my words, I will be happy.
Whether in a relationship or not, I will be happy.
Meet me at the moment it was equal And those weekends, where love seems so simple Saturdays now far away Since you say we’re different people How high do I climb for you
Gotta jump through hoops To get to you To anything I own Even if I could, be close to you You never break the fall Shake this divide when right on my side For every angle that I try Still I jump through hoops To get to you
Stone cold landing, I’m still where you left me Crumbled, story, circles never ending Butterflies learn to fly Though I tried to hide these feelings This motion sickness, sequence It could be the death of me
And I jump through hoops To get to you To anything I own Even if I could, be close to you You never break the fall Shake this divide when right on my side For every angle that I try Still I jump through hoops To get to you
Calling love, calling love I’ve seen all your faces It’s not love, it’s not love Boy don’t make me chase it For your love, for your love Oh it leaves me breathless I’m in love, I’m in love
And I jump through hoops To get to you To anything I own Even if I could, be close to you You never break the fall Shake this divide when right on my side For every angle that I try Still I jump through hoops Gotta jump through hoops
I've been sleepless at night cause I don't know how I feel I've been waiting on you just to say something real
There's a light on the road and I think you know Morning is coming and I have to go
I don't know why, I don't know why we need to break so hard I don't know why we break so hard
But if we're strong enough to let it in, in, in We strong enough to let it go, oh o, oh o
Let it all go, let it all go, let it all out now
If I look back to the start now I know, I see everything true
There's still a fire in me heart, my darling, but I'm not burning for you
We started it wrong and I think you know We waited too long now I have to go
I don't know why, I don't know why we need to break so hard I don't know why we break so hard
But if we're strong enough to let it in, in, in We strong enough to let it go, oh o, oh o
Let it all go, let it all go, let it all out now Let it all go, let it all go, let it all out now
Who says truth is beauty after all?
And who says love should break us when we fall?
But if we're strong enough to let it in, in, in We strong enough to let it go, oho, oho
Let it all go, let it all go, let it all out now Let it all go, let it all go, let it all out now
We're strong enough to let it go, oh o, oh o
--------------------------------------------------------------------- It has been a difficult week at work, I am exhausted. I haven't exercised all week, just simply don't have the energy to change and get to the gym. When I get home I just collapse on the bed and sleep for at least 2 hours straight. I wake up to eat if I'm hungry or shower and surf the net until insomnia passes and I can finally sleep again. Wake up, drag myself out of bed and its back to work and the same routine repeats. However, I have stuck to my diet and resisted sugar including dessert last night despite peer pressure #proud
It has been two years now, I still have moments when I miss K. Thought I was over you but in my moments of weakness I still think of you... A few nights ago I had a nightmare The first thoughts when I woke was when you used to hold me and tell me everything was going to be alright, that you'd be by my side no matter what... I felt so safe next to you... What I would give to relive those days, blissfully happy, hopeful of the future, naively believing everything you said. I miss you calling me 老婆... I miss calling you 老公... I miss us... Didn't expect the flood of emotions to hit me as hard as it did tonight... I am trying to change my ways and stop complaining, to bottle everything up and pretend I am happy and okay, but I am not... I am lonely... I was so accustomed to thinking as "we". To know someone is always there for me no matter what. Oh wait, 'was' there for me... There is no point dwelling on the "what ifs", it is what it is... I can only wish you happiness. Hope it was worth it and you have what you've always wanted - 平平淡淡的幸福. 我不能給你的,希望她都能給你. Thank you. 謝謝你給我的美好回憶,謝謝你讓我愛過,謝謝你讓我成長,謝謝你帶來的傷疤提醒著我要愛自己. If we cannot love ourselves, how can others love us? We had a discussion at the dinner table last night - would you rather be blissfully ignorant or miserably wise? Often I wish I was blissfully ignorant, life would be much simpler and easier to get by, but we do not get a choice. Knowledge is a double edged sword. We can use it to our advantage, but it can also turn around and hurt you. At work, as much as I wish to learn, I must also remember to look out for myself, Trust to some extent, but also know when to push back. Know my worth, know where to draw the lines, know when to pass it onto others because I cannot simply do everything.
As exhausted as I may be, I know life goes on. Momentary moments of weakness that only I will ever know of. Tears evaporate into nothingness, if only my emotions and feelings could as well.. Be it for K, be it for my 'friend', feelings why won't you fade?... A few close friends are currently experiencing difficulties in their lives. I wish I could do something to change their circumstances, but there isn't. I can only give them support and company, be there to listen should they wish to vent, pray for their good health and happiness. I need to stop wasting my time being miserable, I should live my life to the fullest while I can. I have many positives in my life - amazing friends, healthy (ish) body and independence. I must let it all go. What does happiness mean to me?
Is it selfish to ask for a break and an injection of happiness in my life?
Being in your company and being your company is what I wish for.
Just someone to enjoy life's ups and downs and have a laugh together.
Don't need whirlwind romance, small dosages once in awhile to add spark to the passion is all I ask for.
Just someone who will put effort in and give it their all.
I don't want a mansion or maids, to be self sufficient with a little bit more to give back would be ideal.
Just enough to live comfortably, not too much that we lose our humbleness.
I am fiercely independent, to rely on someone will take time and a lot of trust, something I will never take for granted.
Just want to be equal partners, supportive of one another but also not lose our individuality or independence.
I'm no model and appearances will fade with age, I simply ask for a kind heart and healthy body.
Just someone to enjoy our life journey together, side by side, hand in hand.
When you feel low, I will brighten your day.
In my moments of weakness, please don't give up hope.
Who ever you are, where ever you are, I am here waiting.
Till we are one, I will better myself and work on my shortcomings.
Please do not be scared to commit, for I am in for the long haul.
I will not abandon you in your times of need, if it's us against the world then so be it, I'm not afraid with you by my side.
Take care of yourself and I look forward to seeing what life has planned for us.
Moon's tender light through the dark gently weave Calm like the night, cold like the sea Stars slowly fall from the sky to my dreams Tears overflow in loneliness
Wouldn't it be nice If we could walk together Hand in hand, side by side And I'd like to go Back to your town And to your home Into your arms
Unto your heart I give my everything Sweet dreams of nothingness Will fade with dawn
Heart ever still like the wind as it fades Words but a lie, kind all the same Voice ever sure as it rings through the sky Brilliantly sound in harmony
Moon's silver light on the waves brightly shine Pure like a prayer, clear like your eyes Stars linger on in the sky as I dream Tears overflow in loneliness
Wouldn't it be nice If we could walk together Hand in hand, side by side And I'd like to go Back to your town And to your home Into your arms
I see your smile I see eternity Sweet dreams of nothingness That fade with dawn
Lyrics from http://finalfantasy.wikia.com/wiki/Suteki_da_ne
The Final Fantasy franchise is a well known game series in the gaming community.
Growing up I never had the privilege of owning a Playstation but luckily my best friend who lived down the road from me (literately) had one and loved playing RPGs.
I used to spend time after school and on weekends over at his house playing games like Tekken and Crash Bandicoot together or watching him play Final Fantasy VII, VIII, X then X-II.
Will never forget the moment when Aeris died, the dramatic background music leading up to the death, followed by the melodic piece after her death.
The cleverly arranged instrumental pieces compliment and accentuate emotions the game makers are trying to convey.
Just like Hayao Miyazaki films are incomplete without Joe Hisashi's compositions; Final Fantasy games are incomplete without Nobuo Uematsu's pieces.
I really love this piece from Final Fantasy X.
The singer's gentle yet powerful voice.
The buildup of emotions.
Beautiful arrangement.
The lyrics and the image it paints in your mind.
The romance between Tidus and Yuna.
The longing for love.
Other than "perfection" there is no other word to describe it.
Right now I am at a point of being indifferent.
I had something that I thought I really wanted, but now I am just indifferent.
Maybe I have accepted the status quo?
Maybe my heart is locked up behind my walls of insecurities and self doubt?
I have lost my fire.
I am not sad, but I am not happy.
Unmotivated but still going on some how.
I spent the last few months centering my life around someone.
It takes time adjusting to prioritising myself first.
I am more reserved and quiet now.
I am withdrawing back into my protective shell.
I am facing the world with the many masks of who I think people want me to be.
He got close to finding out the real me, close, but still I hid behind the guise of a tough and optimistic tomboy.
The real me is.... lost again.
She is gone, maybe even forgotten...
The cogwheels of life continue to turn.
The days pass and I continue breathing.
Before it all ends, I hope the real me comes out again.
For tonight I will just fall asleep listening to this soothing masterpiece also from Final Fantasy X.
I don't want a million admirers, I just want one
I don't want to be loved widely, I just want to be loved deeply
I want someone who loves me for being me
I want someone who appreciates all the little things
I want someone who is not afraid to love and be loved
I want someone who I cry liters of tears for, tears of joy
I want someone who cannot imagine a world without one another
I want someone who I feel safe and at peace when I am with him
I want someone who sees my beauty even when I don't feel beautiful
I want someone who share the same emotions be it happiness or pain
I want someone who I don't make sacrifices for, because everything I do is out of choice and not a sacrifice
I want someone who I want to start a family with, I refuse to bring an innocent being into life if I cannot provide a loving and stable family that I so craved.
I want someone who believe in destiny but also romance, to know that destiny may have brought us together but it is romance and dedication that keeps us together
I'm in love with you and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that one day all our labor will be returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I am in love with you.
2016 wasn't quite the start I was expecting. The "count down" was a bit disappointing but still got to spend it with the people I care about - my best friend, our friends, and... my "friend". Lately I have hung out with him in a group a lot and feel him trying to distance himself from me but there are moments when I feel like I do matter to him...
I know he can be an arse.
I know he can be stubborn.
I know he can be a boy at times.
I know he frustrates me so much at times.
I know but I just can't control how I feel...
What is wrong with me?
Why is it so hard to let go?
Hes not one to take care of himself and put others before himself, even at the expense of his own health, I just can't help but be worried... Even when he tells me not to worry I just can't help it... Trying not to care, but I still do... Despite him telling me not to have hope, I'm just...... GAH! It is so frustrating. Life is short. Would spending time like this be considered a "waste of my time"? What am I expecting from all this? Being honest to myself, I know there is still a part that hopes. It is hope that keeps you going right? It is hope that gets you out of bed every morning right? But what do I really hope for? A "happily ever after"? Yes... A girl can only dream. Dream is all that I have left. Dream to keep me going. Dream... -- 3/1/16 --
