The Past came creeping back...

All I want - Kodaline

All I want is nothing more

To hear you knocking at my door

Cause if I could see your face once more

I could die a happy man I am sure

When you said your last goodbye

I died a little bit inside

I lay in tears in bed all night

Alone without you by my side

But if you loved me

Why did you leave me

Take my body

Take my body

All I want is

And all I need is

To find somebody

Find somebody

Cause you brought out the best of me

A part of me I never see

You took my soul and wiped it clean

Our love was made for movie screens

But if you loved me 

Why did you leave me

Take my body

Take my body

All I want is

All I need is

To find somebody 

Find somebody

If you loved me

Why did you leave me

Take my body

Take my body

All I want is

And all I need is 

To find somebody

Find somebody

Like you

--------------------------

It has been over 2 years since K and I last spoke.
One would think and hope that I have moved on but in reality he will forever hold a place in my heart.
K influenced me to become the person I am today, for better or worse who knows?
Call it a moment of weakness, call it an emotional relapse, call it an impulse, earlier this week I reached out to K. 

It is the second time I had a nightmare about K being bed bound and in a lot of pain.
Likely spurred by reading of 「Me Before You」by Jojo Moyes, I woke sweating and shaking in fear with an urge to check up on him.
Before I could stop myself I had messaged him "Hi, how are you?".
His response was surprisingly prompt and asked if everything was alright with me since we haven't spoken in over two years.
I reassured him I was alright, simply wanted to know how he was doing and apologized for disturbing him.
His next reply brought out the waterworks and the all too familiar pain in my chest.

He said:
- If I ever need help he will always be here for me.
- I need to stop worrying and thinking about him, I have my own life to live and to try live more happily.
- I need to stop apologising to others, I'm not the one at fault a lot of times and actually am the one people should apologise to, him included.
- I need to have more confidence.
- As time goes by he realises and appreciates more my kindness and forgiveness.
- He wishes me forever happiness.

Though he never answered my question of whether he was okay, I knew I should not pursue that topic.
Who am I to be the one worrying about him?
I am his past and shall remain in his past.
It is his wife and family that will be by his side, all I can do now is but wish him joy and happiness and be thankful for the cherished moments shared.
That night I felt the emotional baggage drifting away along the current of my tears.
The pain was there, but there was something more.
Closure.

I do not need to know why he left her for me anymore.
I do not need to know whether his decision was right or wrong.
I let go of the hope that one day we could pick up where we left off (yes, despite all the reassurances I gave to my friends, I can't deny that the thought has not crossed my mind).
I really forgive him.
I moved on.

I may relapse, that is perfectly fine.
I have accepted the past and am finally breaking free of the emotional shackles I locked myself up in.

All that I had wanted is now in the past.
All I want now is finding my happiness.
I want to be my own happiness.
I want to be truly happy.

-- 20.4.16 --

Honesty Pt. 2

It is so much easier to blame others than to take responsibility for your actions and decisions.
In retrospect there is so much more I could have done, but it is what it is.
Taking a honest look at myself in the mirror I do not like who I see.
I have lost myself and am drifting away from the direction of who I want to be.
The temporary happiness was but a facade, an illusion created by my denial of the failure I have become.

I do not wish to go on like this.

I need clarity.
I need courage.
I need determination.
I need perserverance.
I need to change.

-- 27.4.16 --

Reflection

Look at me, you may think you see who I really am 

But you will never know me

Every day, its as if I play, a part.

Now I see, if I wear a mask I can fool the world

But I cannot fool my heart.

Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me?

When will my reflection show, who I am inside?

I am now in a world where I have to hide my heart, and what I believe in.

But some how, I will show the world whats inside my heart, and be loved for who I am.

Who is that girl I see, staring straight back at me?

Why is my reflection someone I dont know?

Must I pretend that I'm someone else for all time?

When will my reflection show who I am inside?

Theres a heart that must be free to fly

That burns with the need to know the reason why

Why must we all conceal what we think, how we feel?

Must there be a secret me I'm forced to hide?

I wont pretend that I'm someone else for all time.

When will my reflection show who I am inside?

When will my reflection show, who I am inside...

-------------------

A few weeks ago I went to the concert of my all time favourite singer - 張惠妹 A-Mei with my best friends and a few close friends.
Amei is a very talented singer who has dabbled in a variety of genres but she is most well known for her ballads.
Her voice, the tone, the lyrics, the emotions, the melody, everything comes together and through your experiences, the song has different meaning.
For me, her songs accompanied me through some of the hardest moments of my life.
It kind of became tradition for my best friend and I to vent through the microphone.
Within the privacy of the karaoke booth and the booming music drowning our muffled cries, we let our pent up emotions run wild - the frustration, the anger, the sadness, the pain.
Despite the thousands of other concert-goers, as soon as Amei started singing her classic ballads, I felt we were back in that karaoke room, our emotions were being drawn out with every word and note that came out of her mouth.
I felt the current of emotions rush through my body, the flashbacks of both mine and my best friend's past relationships.
With one look, my best friend and I just started balling our eyes out.
I didnt care about what others throught of me or how I looked, all that was on my mind was my shaking body and the stabbing pain in my chest.

Who can really describe in words the literal pain of heartache?
You think you have left it behind, moved on, but the scar and wound is still there.
He is etched in your heart and will forever be a part of who you are.
You learnt a valuable painful lesson.
It is a blessing and also a curse.

It is perplexing how someone who meant the world at one point of your life can now just be a stranger that you used to know.
Someone who claim to care about you, know who you are and get you, somehow end up being the one who hurts you the most.
Someone who you shared your deepest and most intimate thoughts and feelings with ends up being someone you "shouldn't" think or feel anything towards.

Who is to be the judge of what you should and shouldn't feel?
If I "shouldn't" then why am I feeling this right now?
Why can't I move on, be it K or someone I shouldn't care about?
Why does my emotions always defy logic?
Why am I constantly struggling between being who I am and who I think others want me to be?
Why do I constantly have to hold back, hide and feel like a coward and liar to make others feel better?
Will I ever look in the mirror and be happy, or at least content with who I am?
Will I ever feel good enough?...

I feel empty and replacible.
I am trying to let go of everything.
I feel myself starting to withdraw...
Once I find myself again hopefully I will be okay...
I will be okay...

-- 24.4.16 --

Strength

I am on a break from my reality.
I have had the luxury to step outside my daily routine and let my mind pause to properly think and reflect.
I connected more deeply with a few friends and am inspired by their strength.

It takes strength to be the one that walks away.
It takes strength to not give in to someone else's demands.
It takes strength to know and actually say "no" and "enough is enough".
It takes strength to follow your head and take control and responsibility of your life.
It takes strength to acknowledge your mistakes and shortcomings and DO something about it.
It takes strength to be a woman.
It takes strength to be alive.

I visited what appeared to be a happy innocent rural school.
Little did I know the school housed numerous students with complex backgrounds who suffered mental and/or physical abuse in their life.
Some came from abusive families, others have been exposed to drugs or have parent(s) serving custodial sentences.
It was a regular occurrence for students to inflict self harm whist in the middle of a class with some student attending weekly councilling service and take medication for mental illnesses.
Hearing about the other side of the school beyond the academics that many parents only care about made me sad.
There are so many innocent children out there who have been traumatized by parents who were supposed to be the protector but actually are the culprit inflicting pain and suffering on their children.
So many parents focus on their child's academic achievement that the child's emotional needs are neglected.
I am thankful to have come out of what I went through and be who I am today.
Made me appreciate the support I had from my friends who were there at the toughest moments.
They are now all but moments I have overcomed.
I hope the children at the school will do the same, overcome their issues and become stronger because of it, dont let the past define their future.

Strength is not just physical.
True strength is much more than that.
Strength is to make the most of each day.
Strength is to live.

-- 19.4.16 --

Dear No One - Tori Kelly

Dear No One - Tori Kelly

Leroy Sanchez's cover

I like being independent 

Not so much of an investment 

No one to tell me what to do

I like being by myself

Don't gotta entertain anybody else

No one to answer to

But sometimes, I just want somebody to hold

Someone to give me the jacket when it's cold

Got that young love even when we're old

Yea sometimes, I want somebody to grab my hand

Pick me up, pull me close, be my man

I will love you till the end

So if you're out there I swear to be good to you

But I'm done lookin, for my future someone 

Cause when the time is right you'll be here but for now

Dear No One this is your love song

I don't really like big crowds

I tend to shut people out

I like my space yeah

But I love to have a soul mate

And God'll give him to me some day

And I know it will be worth the wait

---------------

Soul mates are worth the wait.
I swear to be good to you.
When the time is right you'll be here.
For now I will focus on working on myself and learning to love myself.
I am a lot happier and confident than who I was a year ago.
I love my independence and space but will never take moments spent with you for granted.
I refuse to be clingy and do not wish to be smothered either.
I am eager to learn new things and do things together but will also draw the line and wish you to have your own space.
I embrace games and flirting but need to trust, be trusted and not play games with each other's heart.
Test the boundaries and once the line has been crossed do not cross it again.
Immaturity and playfulness to keep things exciting but maturity and manning up when it matters.
Tenacious but willing to compromise without losing sight of principles and individuality.
Open communication both ways and again, trust.
I wish to trust some one again.
For now I am done looking.
When it happens I will love you till the end.

-- 19.4.16 --

Raw

A week ago I had the privilege of attending my friend's dad's exhibition opening night.
His pieces endeavour to capture raw emotions and moments of his subjects life.
The cleaver brush strokes and colours breathed life into the still portraits.
I felt a little overwhelmed by the environment and his talent.
As I made my way around the tightly packed gallery I start to empathize and see the journey of self discovery that the artist has embarked on.
The darker earlier pieces, that touching piece of a gay child growing up, the looming shadows in the background, I was in awe.
Imagining the pain and suffering he would have endured growing up as a gay child, that segregation and isolation from the "mainstream" struck a chord within me.
That piece brought out my raw and vulnerable part that I have kept hidden away.
It was a great emotionally provoking and confrontational night.
A part of me lingers in emotional limbo.

The most important lessons learnt from the exhibition was perseverance and daring to be yourself.
I look forward to the day when I can be as content as my friend's father is right now - pursuing his passion, achieving his goals while being happy and comfortable in his own skin.
It starts with confidence.
Confidence in yourself to achieve your aspirations, confidence and loving yourself, confidence to pursue and find happiness.
I need confidence.

-- 12.4.16 --

Clouded Judgement

No more being clouded by emotions and justifying others actions and decisions.
See things clearly and no longer supress my feelings.
Goodbye the days of being the scapegoat to everything.
Goodbye to expectations and wishing for a change.
I draw the line and am learning to stop caring.
I miss you but there is nothing else I can do.

I need to stop these emotions and learn to let go.

It is my first step to happiness. 

#change 

#lovingmyself

Tell myself #illbeokay 

-- 8.4.16 --