Reflection

Look at me, you may think you see who I really am 

But you will never know me

Every day, its as if I play, a part.

Now I see, if I wear a mask I can fool the world

But I cannot fool my heart.

Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me?

When will my reflection show, who I am inside?

I am now in a world where I have to hide my heart, and what I believe in.

But some how, I will show the world whats inside my heart, and be loved for who I am.

Who is that girl I see, staring straight back at me?

Why is my reflection someone I dont know?

Must I pretend that I'm someone else for all time?

When will my reflection show who I am inside?

Theres a heart that must be free to fly

That burns with the need to know the reason why

Why must we all conceal what we think, how we feel?

Must there be a secret me I'm forced to hide?

I wont pretend that I'm someone else for all time.

When will my reflection show who I am inside?

When will my reflection show, who I am inside...

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A few weeks ago I went to the concert of my all time favourite singer - 張惠妹 A-Mei with my best friends and a few close friends.
Amei is a very talented singer who has dabbled in a variety of genres but she is most well known for her ballads.
Her voice, the tone, the lyrics, the emotions, the melody, everything comes together and through your experiences, the song has different meaning.
For me, her songs accompanied me through some of the hardest moments of my life.
It kind of became tradition for my best friend and I to vent through the microphone.
Within the privacy of the karaoke booth and the booming music drowning our muffled cries, we let our pent up emotions run wild - the frustration, the anger, the sadness, the pain.
Despite the thousands of other concert-goers, as soon as Amei started singing her classic ballads, I felt we were back in that karaoke room, our emotions were being drawn out with every word and note that came out of her mouth.
I felt the current of emotions rush through my body, the flashbacks of both mine and my best friend's past relationships.
With one look, my best friend and I just started balling our eyes out.
I didnt care about what others throught of me or how I looked, all that was on my mind was my shaking body and the stabbing pain in my chest.

Who can really describe in words the literal pain of heartache?
You think you have left it behind, moved on, but the scar and wound is still there.
He is etched in your heart and will forever be a part of who you are.
You learnt a valuable painful lesson.
It is a blessing and also a curse.

It is perplexing how someone who meant the world at one point of your life can now just be a stranger that you used to know.
Someone who claim to care about you, know who you are and get you, somehow end up being the one who hurts you the most.
Someone who you shared your deepest and most intimate thoughts and feelings with ends up being someone you "shouldn't" think or feel anything towards.

Who is to be the judge of what you should and shouldn't feel?
If I "shouldn't" then why am I feeling this right now?
Why can't I move on, be it K or someone I shouldn't care about?
Why does my emotions always defy logic?
Why am I constantly struggling between being who I am and who I think others want me to be?
Why do I constantly have to hold back, hide and feel like a coward and liar to make others feel better?
Will I ever look in the mirror and be happy, or at least content with who I am?
Will I ever feel good enough?...

I feel empty and replacible.
I am trying to let go of everything.
I feel myself starting to withdraw...
Once I find myself again hopefully I will be okay...
I will be okay...

-- 24.4.16 --