∮12 小幸運 A Little Happiness - 田馥甄 Hebe Tien

小幸運 A Little Happiness by 田馥甄 Hebe Tien

Original Chinese lyrics and my English translation/interpretation of the lyrics:

小幸運

A Little Happiness

電影 我的少女時代 主題曲

Movie "Our Times" Theme song

作詞：徐世珍、吳輝福

作曲：Jerry C

編曲：Jerry C

我聽見雨滴 落在青青草地

I heard the rain drops fall on the luscious grass field

我聽見遠方 下課鐘聲響起

I heard the distant after school bell ringing

可是我沒有聽見你的聲音 認真呼喚我姓名

But I do not hear your voice, earnestly calling out my name

愛上你的時候 還不懂感情

When I fell in love with you I did not understand the feelings

離別了 才覺得刻骨銘心

After parting I felt how deep and ingrained my feelings were

為什麼沒有發現 遇見了你 是生命最好的事情

Why did I not realise meeting you is the best thing in my life

也許當時

Maybe at the time

忙著微笑和哭泣 忙著追逐天空中的流星

Busily smiling and laughing, chasing after meteors in the sky

人理所當然的忘記

We inevitably forget

是誰風裡 雨裡 一直默默守護在原地

Who was the one in the wind and rain silently protecting the place where it all began

原來你是 我最想留住的幸運

As it turns out, you are the happiness that I yearn to keep

原來我們 和愛情曾經靠得那麼近

As it turns out, love was once at our fingertips

那為我對抗世界的決定 那陪我淋的雨

That decision you made against the world for me, drenched in the rain with me

一幕幕都是你 一塵不染的真心

Each and every moment was filled by your pure sincere heart

與你相遇 好幸運

Was so lucky to have meet you

可我也失去 為你淚流滿面的權利

But I also lost the right to cry my eyes out for you

但願在我看不到的天際 你張開了雙翼

I hope somewhere in this world that I cannot see, you spread your wings

遇見你的註定 她會有多幸運

Meet your destiny, she will be so happy

青春是段跌跌撞撞的旅行

Youth is the chapter of stumbling and falling journey 

擁有著後知後覺的美麗

To reflect on the beauty of it in hindsight

來不及感謝 是你給我勇氣 讓我能做回我自己

Did not have the chance to thank you for giving me the courage to be myself again

也許當時

Perhaps at the time

忙著微笑和哭泣 忙著追逐天空中的流星

Busily smiling and laughing, chasing after meteors in the sky

人理所當然的忘記

We inevitably forget

是誰風裡 雨裡 一直默默守護在原地

Who was the one in the wind and rain silently protecting the place where it all began

原來你是 我最想留住的幸運

As it turns out, you are the happiness that I yearn to keep

原來我們 和愛情曾經靠得那麼近

As it turns out, love was once at our fingertips

那為我對抗世界的決定 那陪我淋的雨

That decision you made against the world for me, drenched in the rain with me

一幕幕都是你 一塵不染的真心

Each and every moment was filled by your pure sincere heart 

與你相遇 好幸運

Was so lucky to have meet you

可我也失去 為你淚流滿面的權利

But I also lost the right to cry my eyes out for you

但願在我看不到的天際 你張開了雙翼

I hope somewhere in this world that I cannot see, you spread your wings 

遇見你的註定 Woooo~

Meet your destiny

她會有多幸運

She will be so happy

---------------------------------------------------------

I can't help it.

I can't help but pour my heart out to you.

I can't stop myself from just saying how I feel and what is on my mind.

I was so shocked and pleasantly surprised but then also telling myself to not have hope or expectations.

I know you may not feel the same.

I know this could all just be a joke or a test to you...

But I can't help but go along with it.

I don't know why, I am just drawn to you like a moth to flame.

Maybe playing along would have me winding up hurt, but what the hell, at least I am happy now.

Other than "princess", everything else just made me giggle and smile like a fricking dork.

Made me forget the pain and just be happy and feel like I matter.

I don't care if I get hurt anymore.

I really don't.

May this dream never end...

-- 26.11.15 --

Best bro ever...

Haha... So it is my fate...
Being the best bro that anyone can ever ask for.

Asking him to say the words that would kill all my hope was hard...
With trembling hands I hesitantly typed the words I dreaded reading...
Telling him "I am fine" was the only way to show gratitude of him typing what I needed to know to move on...
Though I am not fine, I will put on my "bro" mask in front of him.
My feelings should not be a burden to him.

When he mentioned being interested in my best friend in the past, I thought it was just teasing and making me jealous...
After we were clear on where he stood, I told him it's okay for him to talk about other girls but not about my best friends unless he really is interested...
I held it together up till the moment when he confirmed he was interested in my best friend.
It hurt.
It really does.
While typing my "words of advice", tears streamed uncontrollably down my face.
I did not wish to admit how much I like him... Wish it was liked...

I recently watched the movie "Our Times" where the main guy character helped the girl chase her "prince charming" despite himself having feelings for her, thought it was something that only happened in movies...
Ironic.
At this exact moment I can empathize how deeply conflicted and pained he felt...
I am not okay.
Why must I have feelings?...
Why must I feel this pain?...
Is there no easier way out of this?...
The stubborn part of me still want to give more to him...
But I dare not hope any more, my heart cannot handle any more emotions right now...

I value our friendship, as little as it may mean to him.
My friend was right, his "I don't want to ruin our friendship" excuse was all but an excuse.
I will never mean as much to him as he has come to mean to me...
He will never truly realise or appreciate everything I have done or will do for him...
He does not realise how much his words affect me...
He does not realise what real relationship and commitment means...
Does he know how to love?...

The only relationship I want is one where it is mutual.
I don't just want a relationship, relationship can be where one puts in more effort than the other, love is not the same.
I only want love.
Love is mutual, both feel the same towards the other and wanting the same thing and both heading in the same direction.
No one should settle for anything less.
I will not settle for anything less.

Hello 25.
The year of being honest with who I am, what I want, how I feel.

This weekend has been so great, feeling the love from my friends celebrating my birthday together; it is a shame to have ended this way...

So hard to feel confident and positive when constantly faced with rejection...

At least I still said it, at least I tried, at least I was honest to some extent...

Happiness always comes when you least expect it.
How can I fast forward to the "happily ever after"?
Will I even have a happily ever after?...

My tattoo is a self reminder to be strong, have hope, and remember the fragility of life and to seize the moment and not have regrets. 

I recovered from losing K and our 6 years together, I will be fine...

I am stronger than my 23 year old self.

The pain will turn into numbness... Eventually...

Tears will dry and turn into stains... 

Stain will fade into memories...

Memories of being alive...

I am still alive.

Living is hard.

I will survive.

Somehow...

I hope. 

--- 22.11.15---

放下別人等於放過自己... Letting go is to also to let go of yourself...

Though I have not given it all, I still tried...

Despite not turning out the way I had hoped for, I can't lie and say I did not expect this.

I tell myself "no regrets".

Regret is the only aspect I have control over in my life.

Once you have crossed that bridge, there is no turning back.

I know he is being distant with me... for my own sake I guess...

Maybe I left it till too late and really did miss my opportunity, I will never know the what ifs. 

Life is too short to dwell on the what ifs.

I don't regret him knowing how I feel.

I really wish there is someone who likes me for who I am, accept me the way I am, and love me for being me.

There is no compromise or "settling" when it comes to love.

I am willing to risk it all for a chance of relationship because I believe and am willing to give it all.

At the end of the day, a relationship requires two willing parties to participate, I respect his decision.

Maybe not willing to lose our friendship is an excuse, I am still thankful that he at least gave it some thought.

If he wants something, he is an capable of doing something about it.

I will try not to wait around like the fool I have been in the past, revolving my day around someone else's life.

I did not have enough courage to say it to your face... 
I like you.

I will try to change that to liked...

Letting go of him I am also letting go of myself.

I will be truly happy one day.

No more forced smiles.

No more pretence. 

No more pain.

Happy. 

-- 16.11.15 --

∮11 可以的話 If possible - 梁靜茹 Fish Leong

可以的話 If Possible by 梁靜茹 Fish Leong

Original Chinese lyrics and my English translation/interpretation of the lyrics:

可以的話

作詞：黃婷
作曲：鴉片丹
編曲：廖偉傑
監製：蔡尚文

每一次你不開心 我也跟著傷心
Every time you are unhappy, I am also upset

我們的心那麼緊 一定很有默契

Our hearts are so close, must really get one another
不必想該做什麼 才算夠得體
Do not need to think of what to do will be the right thing to do

我始終相信 哪天你會聽見誠實的聲音
I still believe, one day you will listen to the honest voice

我知道 愛並不是誰能取代誰

I understand, love is not to replace someone
可是我 想幫你撿起無謂的心碎

But I, want to pick up your pointless broken heart

可以的話 我們重新來過

If possible, let us restart
可以的話 讓我彌補他犯的錯

If possible, let me make up for their mistake
旅途的美景還有很多

Along the way there are many beautiful scenery
何必固執逗留這段殘破

Why stubbornly remain at this broken point

可以的話 轉過身看看我

If possible, turn around and see me
可以的話 讓我鬆開你的枷鎖

If possible, let me loosen your shackle
迷途的流星點點墜落 總有一顆在夢中閃爍

Straying meteors fall, there will be one that shimmers in your dream

每個人的身體裡 都有兩個自己

Inside everybody, there is two selves
一個在表面堅強 一個躲在心底
One strong appearance, one hidden in your heart

如果時間夠長了 就能看清晰
If time is long enough, can see clearly

我不會放棄 哪天簡單的愛能創造奇蹟
I won't give up, one day simple love can create miracles

我知道 愛並不是誰能取代誰

I understand, love is not to replace someone

可是我 想幫你撿起無謂的心碎

But I, want to pick up your pointless broken heart

可以的話 我們重新來過

If possible, let us restart
可以的話 讓我彌補他犯的錯

If possible, let me make up for their mistake
旅途的美景還有很多

Along the way there are many beautiful scenery
何必固執逗留這段殘破

Why stubbornly remain at this broken point

可以的話 轉過身看看我

If possible, turn around and see me
可以的話 讓我鬆開你的枷鎖

If possible, let me loosen your shackle
我們都曾經那麼寂寞 才真的懂彼此的軟弱

We both were once so lonely, can really understand each other's weaknesses

---------------------------------------------------------

This song was the theme song to the movie 『剩者為王』The Last Women Standing. 
I watched this movie after work with my two long time best friends.
Watching the trailer I was expecting a lighthearted romantic drama film starring my favourite actor - Eddie Peng Yuyan; & actress Shu Qi.
Instead, my friends and I were very surprised to have shed a few involuntary tears in the thankfully dark cinema.
At the age of almost 25 I feel emotionally and mentally at the age of 30.
I relate to Shu Qi's character being fiercely independent, logical, burnt from past relationship but also a closet romantic at heart.
The speech given by the father of the female lead character was what triggered the water works.

Not going into details but there was a lot of misunderstandings and drama with my parents and my ex.

Like my best friend, we both faced objections from our dads regarding our partners and it was a contributing factor in our separation...

The speech really tugged at my heart strings as it was what I wish my father was like...

I wish my dad is my safety harbour, supportive of my decisions and choices, comfort and there for me when I fall...

I wish I had the "happy family" where there is open communication, respect and trust... 

The movie also addressed societal pressure on women to "settle".

How woman are treated when they reach a certain age and are still single.

Different interpretation of love, varying from a stubborn romantic best friend who was willing to give up their liver for a past lover to the business partner who was emotionally distant and using marriage as a tool.

The romantic in me was glad that love prevailed. 

Would rather be happily single then settle for something/someone you don't love.

The movie may have been the catalyst for me facing how I really felt about someone.

Or maybe it's my other best friend finding happiness in someone she thought was out of her reach instilling hope in my usually pessimistic heart...

With the wisdom of my close friend, I took a blunt step forward and dared to ask a question I was afraid of the answer to...

Results... 

Him missing or choosing to miss the point and going around in circles while I am afraid to be direct and say how I really feel...

It is the second time I indirectly asked but did not get a proper response...

Hurt?.. Yes... 

Pain?... a little... 

Disappointment? No as it was expected....

I am afraid to step out of the friend zone and confess to him...

With a bit of alcohol in my system I had the courage and was about to say something but the circumstances stopped me...

I enjoy his company and the fun no obligation moments shared.

But a part or me just want more.

The distance scares me...

I wish I mattered more to him...

Intimacy scares but also excites me...

I don't know what to do...

My friend said if nothing happens now I will never get out of friend zone...

Am I destined to remain friends?...

It takes a lot for me to truly open up to someone...

I thought there was a connection but sometimes your words and actions say I'm wrong...

As I begin to doubt and give up and ready to move on, your little gestures and actions just give me hope...

We know each other's history...

I don't expect to replace anyone or expect the royal treatment from you...

Our personalities, values and lifestyles is so similar and we easily get along...

The silences are comfortable with you...

Wish I can read your mind and end my misery already...

Do I even dare to hope for change? ...

Should I be patient and wait?...

If possible, can you turn around and see me?

If possible, can you let me into your heart?

For real, not a temporary moment of lust but a deeper emotional and intellectual connection...

-- 12.11.15 --

順其自然 Just go with the flow

Despite not wanting to face and give in to the emotions, while speaking to my best friend I still got teary eyed and allowed myself to temporarily feel the pain.
Our usual late night sitting in the car catch up sessions always lead to open and honest conversations about how we really feel and giving each other encouragements to not give in to the "shits" life throws at us, and see the light at the end of the tunnel.

To believe and remind ourselves of what we deserve.
To feel validated and have someone appreciate everything you have given up for someone.
To have someone understand and relate to the emotions you feel.
To have someone who accepts you unconditionally.
I am so fortunate to have her in my life.

Despite the temporary pain, we both take it as a lesson learned.
Trying to stay positive and afloat while the negativity is dragging us under.

Seeing what is happening on the other side of the world I am reminded of how fortunate I am.
Put into perspective of how little my problems really are.
Life is short, don't waste it on people who don't value you.
Being taken for granted is not okay.
I have accepted and moved on from losing that one future I craved for.
There are many more opportunities out there that await me.

I am trying...
Trying to not think or feel.
Trying to just live and forget.
Trying to just put a smiling mask on to convince everyone else I am okay
Trying to pretend I'm okay.
Trying...

--14.11-15--

Out in the open

So... yup...
It is out in the open, but it's not...
No regrets.
Remind myself....
No regrets.

Logic now prevails over emotions.
Stay logical and try not to rock the boat again any time soon...
The open ended response... commitmentphobe!

--12.11.15--

Risks

My work is in the area of risk management.
I manage risks and apply warranties and exclusions on insurance covers to ensure I stay within the guidelines of our company risk appetite.
Kind of ironic I made a very risky move last night and am still wide awake at 2.20am trying to prepare for the consequences....

Cannot believe I actually said it....

Think I'm just too afraid to say it in person...
Afraid of looking in his eyes and say those three words... the little "L" not the big "L"...
Afraid of seeing pity or disgust on his face...
Afraid of rejection...

It feels kind of rushed, but then I also feel I'm glad to have told him now and clarified something...
I don't know whether one night would change his mind...
I didn't really do a good job at convincing him but at the end of the day he has to want it too.
I'm just very surprised he actually already considered it before...

Very well done by my friend for sending that message on my behalf.
I couldn't have been honest to him with my feelings if it weren't for her.
She really knows me well.... <3

Maybe now it's just a waiting game...
Wait for him to make a move because I've just laid my feelings on the table...
Exposed...
Vunlerable...
Don't know what to expect but know what I hope for...
Happiness can you play a more active part of my life?...

--12.11.15--

It's all in my head

Constant reminder to myself not to fall, but I still did.
Do you really not notice or just playing dumb?...
It really fucking sucks.
I want to be upset but who am I to be upset?
I am nothing to you.
Friend, if I am even that...
I hate this feeling in my stomach and my heart.
Fucking hate it.

I am selfish and want more.
I want to be happy but I'm NOT.
Giving just means nothing.
The little things I do also mean nothing.
Choosing you over others, cutting trips short, putting in extra effort to be there, driving late at night even if I'm tired after work, all of that means nothing...
Nothing
Nothing
Nothing.

Nothing because it's not what you want.

It's all in my head.
I try justifying it and think you are just busy with work but it was just excuses to make myself feel better.
I'm over it.
Over me and my emotions.
I don't want to feel anything anymore.
You are so clueless what is the point?
What were your intention behind those lies I have given up on finding out.
Everything. Just. Stop.
I am NOT okay...

--- 10.11.15