It's all in my head

Constant reminder to myself not to fall, but I still did.
Do you really not notice or just playing dumb?...
It really fucking sucks.
I want to be upset but who am I to be upset?
I am nothing to you.
Friend, if I am even that...
I hate this feeling in my stomach and my heart.
Fucking hate it.

I am selfish and want more.
I want to be happy but I'm NOT.
Giving just means nothing.
The little things I do also mean nothing.
Choosing you over others, cutting trips short, putting in extra effort to be there, driving late at night even if I'm tired after work, all of that means nothing...
Nothing
Nothing
Nothing.

Nothing because it's not what you want.

It's all in my head.
I try justifying it and think you are just busy with work but it was just excuses to make myself feel better.
I'm over it.
Over me and my emotions.
I don't want to feel anything anymore.
You are so clueless what is the point?
What were your intention behind those lies I have given up on finding out.
Everything. Just. Stop.
I am NOT okay...

--- 10.11.15