Best bro ever...

Haha... So it is my fate...
Being the best bro that anyone can ever ask for.

Asking him to say the words that would kill all my hope was hard...
With trembling hands I hesitantly typed the words I dreaded reading...
Telling him "I am fine" was the only way to show gratitude of him typing what I needed to know to move on...
Though I am not fine, I will put on my "bro" mask in front of him.
My feelings should not be a burden to him.

When he mentioned being interested in my best friend in the past, I thought it was just teasing and making me jealous...
After we were clear on where he stood, I told him it's okay for him to talk about other girls but not about my best friends unless he really is interested...
I held it together up till the moment when he confirmed he was interested in my best friend.
It hurt.
It really does.
While typing my "words of advice", tears streamed uncontrollably down my face.
I did not wish to admit how much I like him... Wish it was liked...

I recently watched the movie "Our Times" where the main guy character helped the girl chase her "prince charming" despite himself having feelings for her, thought it was something that only happened in movies...
Ironic.
At this exact moment I can empathize how deeply conflicted and pained he felt...
I am not okay.
Why must I have feelings?...
Why must I feel this pain?...
Is there no easier way out of this?...
The stubborn part of me still want to give more to him...
But I dare not hope any more, my heart cannot handle any more emotions right now...

I value our friendship, as little as it may mean to him.
My friend was right, his "I don't want to ruin our friendship" excuse was all but an excuse.
I will never mean as much to him as he has come to mean to me...
He will never truly realise or appreciate everything I have done or will do for him...
He does not realise how much his words affect me...
He does not realise what real relationship and commitment means...
Does he know how to love?...

The only relationship I want is one where it is mutual.
I don't just want a relationship, relationship can be where one puts in more effort than the other, love is not the same.
I only want love.
Love is mutual, both feel the same towards the other and wanting the same thing and both heading in the same direction.
No one should settle for anything less.
I will not settle for anything less.

Hello 25.
The year of being honest with who I am, what I want, how I feel.

This weekend has been so great, feeling the love from my friends celebrating my birthday together; it is a shame to have ended this way...

So hard to feel confident and positive when constantly faced with rejection...

At least I still said it, at least I tried, at least I was honest to some extent...

Happiness always comes when you least expect it.
How can I fast forward to the "happily ever after"?
Will I even have a happily ever after?...

My tattoo is a self reminder to be strong, have hope, and remember the fragility of life and to seize the moment and not have regrets. 

I recovered from losing K and our 6 years together, I will be fine...

I am stronger than my 23 year old self.

The pain will turn into numbness... Eventually...

Tears will dry and turn into stains... 

Stain will fade into memories...

Memories of being alive...

I am still alive.

Living is hard.

I will survive.

Somehow...

I hope. 

--- 22.11.15---