∮14 別說晚安 Don't Say Goodnight by 卜星慧 Emily Pu

別說晚安 - 卜星慧

夜晚的城市依然寧靜

The serene city night

螢火蟲在夜裡綻放閃爍

Sparkling fireflies bloom in the night

身體雖然已經熟睡了

Though the body is in deep slumber

腦裡轉動的思想變成夢

Thoughts in the mind spin into dreams

不容易的生活

Life is not easy

只為了好過

For sake of getting by

別說晚安

Don't say goodnight

別說晚安

Don't say goodnight

別說晚安

Don't say goodnight

還不能晚安

Not yet goodnight

開始精神都變了緊繃

Mental tension builds up

是未完成的責任在囉嗦

Nagging from the unfinished responsibility

為了愛人都還不足夠

Never enough for those you love

再怎麼難受還是要撐過

Must endure it as painful as it may be

不容易的生活

Life is not easy

只為了好過

For sake of getting by

別說晚安

Don't say goodnight

別說晚安

Don't say goodnight

別說晚安

Don't say goodnight

還不能晚安

Not yet goodnight

晚安 晚安

Goodnight, goodnight

還不能晚安

Not yet goodnight

晚安 晚安

Goodnight, goodnight

----------------------------------------------------------

Battling with insomnia.

Thoughts run freely moments before exhaustion hits. 

Hidden demons and skeletons in the closet come stalking.

You can run but you can't hide forever.

-- 30.3.16 --

I Was Here

I Was Here - Beyonce 

I wanna leave my footprints on the sands of time
Know there was something that, meant something that I left behind 
When I leave this world, I'll leave no regrets

Leave something to remember, so they won't forget

I was here

I lived, I loved

I was here

I did, I've done everything that I wanted

And it was more than I thought it would be

I will leave my mark so everyone will know

I was here

I wanna say I lived each day, until I die

And know that I meant something in somebody's life

The hearts I have touched will be the proof that I leave

That I made a difference, and this world will see

I just want them to know

That I gave my all, did my best

Brought someone some happiness

Left this world a little better just because

I was here

---------------------------------------------------------

Finding purpose and meaning to my life is a forever changing journey.
I am not just a cog in the wheel of life.
I am the mechanic in control of the spanner that changes the direction the cogs turned.
I make the calls and face the consequences be it good or bad.
I wish to bring happiness to those I love and live with no regrets.

A day away from the rest of the world with one of my best friends made me realise I cared too much in the past.
I need to let go and not put up with things, draw the line and leave when it is not worth it.
It is not okay to be neglected, to be left out, to feel disrespected.
If you do not wish to interact with me then do not invite me to gatherings.
I would rather not be there at all than feel unwanted and as if I am intruding. 

You are confused and acting inconsistently, I do not know what you want.
Friends, if even that, I have accepted.
You do what ever you want, I am just going to recharge and stop caring.

I am not as forthcoming as my best friend, but I am learning.
Life is unpredictable and may be short, I need to make the most of it and not have any regrets.
There is no point being afraid of the consequences or of death, just live.
Do not waste time and energy that you cannot get back on what is not worth it.
It is okay to stand up for yourself and confront the issue.
It is also okay to walk away.

I know I am not perfect, but no one is, perfection is but an perspective.
I accept myself for who I am and am learning to love myself.
I am never truly alone as I have my best friends.
They are the one that I wish to make a difference in their life.
They are the one that I wish to bring happiness.
He is missing out and that is his choice.

My choice from here on is ME.

-- 28.3.16 --

All You Never Say

All You Never Say - Birdy

You've been searching

Have you found many things?

Time for learning

Why have I not learnt a thing?

Words with no meaning

Have kept me dreaming

But they don't tell me anything

All you never say is that you love me so

All I'll never know is if you want me oh

If only I could look into your mind

Maybe then I'd find a sign

Of all I want to hear you say to me

Are you uncertain?

Or just scared to drop your guard?

Have you been broken?

Are you afraid to show your heart?

Life can be unkind

But only sometimes

You're giving up before you start

All you never say is that you love me so

All I'll never know is if you want me oh

If only I could look into your mind

Maybe then I'd find a sign

Of all I want to hear you say to me

To me

All you never say is that you love me so

All I'll never know is if you want me oh

If only I could look into your mind

Maybe then I'd find a sign

Of all I want to hear you say to me

To me

------------------------------------

Will you ever come around?

Will you ever drop your guard?

Will you ever show your heart to me?

Was all that happened before but a game?

Why have you given up before it even started?

If only I could look into your mind.

If only you would bare your mind and soul to me as I have to you...

I wish we could turn back time to the moment when we were so close...

You pushing me away is breaking my heart...

-- 26.3.16 --

Nobody's Home

Nobody's Home - Avril Lavigne

Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.

You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.

Be strong, be strong now.

Too many, too many problems.

Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.

It's where she lies, broken inside.

With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.

Broken inside.

Her feelings she hides.

Her dreams she can't find.

She's losing her mind.

She's fallen behind.

She can't find her place.

She's losing her faith.

She's fallen from grace.

She's all over the place.

-----------------------------------------------------

There is an emptiness inside that is gnawing at me.

I am hiding my feelings, my true self.

Focusing on others, focusing on my career, trying to fill the void.

The void is my vice.

It did not exist until I became acquainted with the longing for love. 

I am addicted to the feeling of love - to love someone and feel loved.

A hopeless romantic, willing it give it all and burn in flames if it is what it takes.

I am a train wreck, bound for catastrophe and self destruction. 

I lose my sense of self and purpose, I lose me.

Trying to let go, but the little things still make my heart bleed.

Trying not to care, but I all I want to do is curl up and cry.

I am broken inside.

-- 26.3.16 -- 

My Happy Ending

My Happy Ending - Avril Lavigne

Do they even know you 

All the things you hide from me

All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew

And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything that I wanted 

We were meant to be, supposed to be but we lost it 

And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away

All this time you were pretending

So much for my happy ending

It's nice to know that you were there

Thanks for acting like you cared

And making me feel like I was the only one

It's nice to know we had it all

Thanks for watching as I fall

And letting me know we were done

He was everything, everything that I wanted

We were meant to be, supposed to be but we lost it

And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away

All this time you were pretending

So much for my happy ending

-- 26.3.16 -- 

This one hurts.

Honestly

Hurts

Poison - Rita Ora

Poison (Acoustic) - Rita Ora

This bittersweet ecstasy that you got me in

Falling deep I can't sleep tonight

And you make me feel like I'm out of my mind

But it's alright, it's alright, it's alright

This bittersweet ecstasy that you got me in

Falling deep I can't sleep tonight

And you make me feel like I'm out of my mind

Ohh, but it's alright, it's alright, it's alright

Cause nothing ever gets me high like this

I pick my poison and it's you

Nothing could kill me like you do

You're going straight to my head

And I'm heading straight for the edge

I pick my poison and it's you

-- 25.5.16 --

Purpose

Purpose - Justin Bieber

I put my heart into your hands

Here's my soul to keep

I let you in with all that I can

You're not hard to reach

And you bless me with the best gift

That I've ever known

You give me purpose

Yeah, you've given me purpose

Thinking my journey's come to an end

Sending out a farewell to my friends, forever peace

Ask you to forgive me for my sins, oh would you please?

I'm more than grateful for the time we spent, my spirit's at ease

"If you don't give it all you got, you're only cheating yourself

Give it all you got

But if it ends up happening, it ends up happening."

-- 25.3.16 --

Exceptional

Exceptional - Jojo

You never think you measure up
Never smart or cool, or pretty enough
Always feeling different from all the rest, oh
You feel so out of place, you think you don't fit in
I think you're perfect in the skin you're in
You're just perfect just how you are, just how you are, yeah

You're exceptional the way you are
Don't need to change for nobody
You're incredible, anyone can see that
When will you believe that?
You are nothing but exceptional

If you could see the one I see when I see you
You'd know how lucky you are to be you
I see through into you
And you are

-----------------------------------------------

As an overthinker, I can't help but compare and criticise each and every inch of myself

I fall into the sinkhole of self-loathing and struggle between wearing my mask and holding my emotions back...

I am not the same as other "stereotypical" girls

I am not feminine

I am not articulate

I am not confident 

I am not like the rest

The most supportive friends a girl could ever ask for have been making me feel exceptional.
They see the real me and each and every one of them have made a difference to who I am in ways they may not even realise.

My best friends have been there from the beginning, crying and laughing as we attempt to jump over the hurdles life placed in front of us. 

We fall, pick ourselves up, learn from our mistakes and soldier on, knowing when times get tough we have each other.

Words cannot express my gratitude in having them in my life, I love them to bits and pieces. 

The friend who is both street and book smart, independent and unapologetic about who he is.

Thank you for sharing your personal stories and words of wisdom.

You appear at the right time and the times spent with you are always accompanied by good food and even better conversations. 

You give it to me how it is, encourage me to better myself and not get caught up in the past.
You have been through so much and have your own baggage to deal with, you have persevered and overcome them while holding onto your integrity and witty sarcasm.
You motivate me with your "fake it till you make it" attitude, to me, you are definitely making it. 

The close friend who is driven, witty and gorgeous - yes you're gorgeous! 
I really enjoy our weekly awkward zumba classes where we spend most of the time laughing at ourselves and getting over our self consciousness. 
You are always so positive and ready to defend and fight for your loved ones, always making the effort to organise events to keep our group close.
You are so much more than what you give yourself credit for and I wish you all the happiness that is heading your way.

The coworkers who have become a good friends.
We get frustrated at the same things and have to struggle between doing the right things and the easy way out but its a great feeling knowing we all have each other's back.
You guys are selfless in sharing your knowledge and make the eight and a half hour each day pass that much quicker.

The coworker who is like a big sister. 
You have passed on your valuable experience, encouragement and the kind compliments that gave me the confidence boost in my career.

Thank you, thank you for being so positive and passing on such good feedback and validating all the extra efforts I put in at work.

There are so many more friends who I am incredibly lucky to have in my life.

I am bad at expressing myself but I treasure all the interactions and moments shared.

You all contribute to who I am as a person. 

I am learning to embrace who I am.
I am a giver and love bringing happiness and positivity to those I care about.
I am not going to let one small negativity make me lose sight of all the happiness in my life. 

I am forever growing and changing who I am, who I want to be, what I want in life.

I am me.

-- 25.3.16 --

Distant

You believe you are doing this for the 'greater good', but you do not realise you will really lose me if you continue this way...
It is the easy way out, and what you believe is the best solution to our predicament, running...
You retreat and am pushing me away.
You care, but you do not act upon it.
The distance is growing.

You are still first on my mind, but I have started to pull back.
You keeping me at arms length, I will slowly disappear...
I know you have not moved on, I know and notice...
Letting the distance grow as you intended...

Slowly, I will become your memory...
Slowly, you lose me...
Slowly, I fade...

Gone. 

-- 23.3.16 --

Facing Reality

A part of me wished this could be my story...

As he has reiterated many times, he does not want to risk what we have right now...
He does not realise what we have now is me treating him the priority of my life, like how I would be if we were together.
I realise now there is no incentive for him to risk anything when he has already got what he wants from me.
Why would you treasure something that you have so easily available, don't have to fight for and probably don't even realise you have?
If you don't even value yourself and better yourself, why would someone else value you?

He has said to me before, don't ever go that low.
It is true.
I shouldn't prioritising anyone else above myself.
I shouldn't lower myself to the point where I am begging someone to like me.
I shouldn't lower my standards and what I really want and stand for, for the sake of someone else's "happiness".
As I have said to myself many times before, how can someone love you if you don't love yourself?

I am starting to see the real him.
I am starting to really understand him.
I am starting to face my reality.
I am starting to be me.

Looking back at our conversation awhile ago, he had made it clear at one point.
He needs someone who gives him space to recharge and be himself.
He needs someone who understands him and gets him.
When I am in that "obsessed with X" mode I turn into a loco clingy girl.
I become self conscious, emotional, overthinking, possessive, passive aggressive, basically just a crazy bitch.

The distance and time apart today made me realise who I've become.
I have been smothering him, trying to be a part of every part of his life, putting too much stress and pressure on him.
This is not who I am.
I want to be that independent, bubbly, caring, happy me.
I need to be more conscious of my own actions and be mindful of what others want.

I am thankful we can be honest and upfront with one another when it counts.
I said I was over him but I know I have not given up.
Though others have told me to give up and move on, I still feel it in my heart and gut that he is the soul mate that I have been searching for. 
Yes, I am physically attracted to him, but it is the him deep down inside that I am in love with.
I understand him on a level that I feel like even with K I never had the same connection with.
Despite all his lies and hurtful words and actions, I still see the heart of gold underneath his many disguises.
I understand and believe in him.

I know I am not emotionally capable of being in a relationship right now.
There is so much of myself that I wish to work on and likewise with him.
For now, I need time to figure myself out and give him the space to do the same.
When we are both more emotionally and mentally stable, I hope there is a chance for us to give it a real go.
My masks shall remain on until I figure out and am ready to show the world the real me underneath the mask.

-- 14.3.16 --

Enabler

I am the enabler.

It is easy to blame others for taking advantage of you but at the end of the day it is you that enabled them.

I applaud him for his honesty, for having the courage to confront his own mistakes, to trust me enough to be expose his real self to me.

Having someone you care about admit to using you and realising those little moments that mattered to you were but a ploy to get you to do something they want... hurts.

It hurts to feel manipulated, to feel insignificant, to feel... worthless. 

The invisible but oh so real emotional pain...

The optimist side of me want to believe that maybe he is just not used to being taken care of and don't know how to think or react.

I offer to drive because I wish for him to rest a little after being exhausted from a game and enjoy chatting with him on the way. 

To him my gesture some how turned negative and he only messaged me to get something from me...

Can it not be he wanted to talk to me therefore he messaged me?

Can it not be he wish for me to support him at his game and I happily go along?

Can it not be he appreciates me driving him and just enjoy chatting with me along the way?

Was I in denial all that time?

Is trusting someone, being nice to someone and treating someone how you would like to be treated so wrong?

Like him, my happiness comes from those I love and care about being happy.

His company, humour, caring, attention and us "clicking" means more to me than he will ever realise.

Being there to support him makes me happy.

To be able to be a part of his life, how insignificant as it may be, makes me happy.

I do not need fancy gifts, mansions, or be wined and dined.

I just want to share the moment with him.

To experience life together and be there to support one another.

I try and empathize and think from his perspective.

He is used to being the one being taken advantage of and making compromises/sacrifices.

In our "relationship" (can't really think of any other word to use here and I don't mean boyfriend girlfriend relationship because clearly we are not as he has reminded me time and time again..) he feels like he is the one always taking from me and it makes him uncomfortable.

Maybe without realising, he is starting to rely on me, to have me closer than he never ever expected, to have someone care about him as much as I have, to care about me more than he thought possible, it terrifies him...

His natural response to confrontation is to get rid of it, to push it away, to distance himself, to "protect me from him"...

I wish to believe him when he says he does not wish to hurt me or lose me.

It makes his rejection slightly easier to handle, even if the above may be a white lie, be an excuse...

Sadly, I know myself.

I wish to know the truth, even if it is an ugly truth, I want to know...

Like my best friend telling me the truth that knocked the wind out of me and left me curled up like a child, sobbing uncontrollably in my car that night...  

As much as it hurts, I am glad she told me and I know the truth.

I did not realise how much he meant to me and how much I really cared till that night.

The last time I was in such a state was when K told me within 3 months of our break up that he was married and for us to not stay in contact anymore.

It was the gut wrenching pain of betrayal.

He said he is a compulsive liar, that he abuses people's trust in him, that he does not value people's trust, I wish to challenge him on that.

Yes he lies, he lies because he is conflicted and does not know himself enough so he feels the need to mold himself to adapt and fit into the box of how people expect him to be and act.

He does not feel comfortable enough in his own skin to let the real him come through.

Deep down, I still believe he is a caring gentleman.

He is mature but also has desires and playfulness of a teenage boy.

He is not the despicable person he thinks of himself as, but of course just like every single one of us, he has qualities that he can work on.

I just wish for him to be happy.

This year he is finally starting to come out of his shell more, to have more confidence, to speak up, to have more faith and confidence in himself.

He has so much potential, if only he himself realises.

I do not blame him for feeling the way he feels towards what hopefully he has finally let go of.
You cannot help falling in love with someone, be it a crush or more.
I know that feeling all too well.
Like him, the last two years I went through a journey of self discovery.
I am becoming more comfortable in my own skin, who and what I stand for, and who I wish to be.
I understand the conflicted period that he is going through at the moment and know I need to give him space to come to terms with himself.
He cares too much about what others think, I understand more than he realises, I too went through that phase.
I hope his work improves and he has better opportunities lined up in the future where his potential is maximised and he is recognised for all his hard work and dedication.

He can be a good leader, his kind heart and sense of duty to others may also be his downfall, for that I am worried...
To say I have completely let go of him would be a lie.
We both know I clearly haven't.
There are moments when we have relapsed back into old habits, but his logic (stubborn, one sided and very pessimistic) prevailed.

Maybe one day when we are both ready something could happen, but for now, it is what it is, 

I know I have enabled him to treat the way he treats me.
As many have told me, I am too nice.
I need to stop enabling him because that is clearly not what he wants. 
Remember that one important rule to love: "Love someone the way they want to be loved, not how you think they want to be loved".
I shall continue to wear my mask.
There is no point in crying to anyone about the way I feel right now.

I am partially to blame as well. 
I will convince myself to stay strong and I will be okay...

-- 9.3.16 --

Everlong

Everlong

Foo Fighters

Composed & Lyrics by Dave Grohl

Hello
I've waited here for you
Everlong

Tonight
I throw myself into
And out of the red out of her head she sang

Come down and waste away with me
Down with me
Slow how you wanted it to be
I'm over my head, out of her head she sang

And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang

Breathe out
So I can breathe you in
Hold you in

And now
I know you've always been
Out of your head, out of my head I sang

And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang

And I wonder
When I sing along with
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when

------------------------------------------

The song is "about being connected to someone so much, that not only do you love them physically and spiritually, but when you sing along with them you harmonize perfectly"

I am still not myself.
I still have feelings I cannot suppress.
I still care, I still hurt...
But the mask is on.
I will be alright... alright... 

-- 5.3.16 -- 

It's not really over...

As tough and okay as I may appear, I know it is not over.
These feelings inside only I know how I really feel.

The uncontrollable tears last week were but the beginning.
Somehow, I manage to laugh and pretend I am okay in front of you.
I have to.
I don't need your sympathy.
I don't need your guilt.
You cannot give me what I want.

I have to hide my heart and feelings.
My mask, impenetrable.
My tears, saved for when I am alone.
Heartache, but a part of life.
I am slowly becoming numb.

You do not seem to notice...
A part of me is gone.
It disappeared that night.
Trust.

You do not appreciate my trust.
You thought of yourself only.
You lie to me over and over again.

I am but a puppet or toy in your eyes.
When you want me, shower me with attention.
When you are sick of me, just toss me aside.
Makes no difference whether I am there or not.
Replaceable.

I am alone.
Always have been.
Always will be.

-- 2.3.16 --