As he has reiterated many times, he does not want to risk what we have right now...
He does not realise what we have now is me treating him the priority of my life, like how I would be if we were together.
I realise now there is no incentive for him to risk anything when he has already got what he wants from me.
Why would you treasure something that you have so easily available, don't have to fight for and probably don't even realise you have?
If you don't even value yourself and better yourself, why would someone else value you?
He has said to me before, don't ever go that low.
It is true.
I shouldn't prioritising anyone else above myself.
I shouldn't lower myself to the point where I am begging someone to like me.
I shouldn't lower my standards and what I really want and stand for, for the sake of someone else's "happiness".
As I have said to myself many times before, how can someone love you if you don't love yourself?
I am starting to see the real him.
I am starting to really understand him.
I am starting to face my reality.
I am starting to be me.
Looking back at our conversation awhile ago, he had made it clear at one point.
He needs someone who gives him space to recharge and be himself.
He needs someone who understands him and gets him.
When I am in that "obsessed with X" mode I turn into a loco clingy girl.
I become self conscious, emotional, overthinking, possessive, passive aggressive, basically just a crazy bitch.
The distance and time apart today made me realise who I've become.
I have been smothering him, trying to be a part of every part of his life, putting too much stress and pressure on him.
This is not who I am.
I want to be that independent, bubbly, caring, happy me.
I need to be more conscious of my own actions and be mindful of what others want.
I am thankful we can be honest and upfront with one another when it counts.
I said I was over him but I know I have not given up.
Though others have told me to give up and move on, I still feel it in my heart and gut that he is the soul mate that I have been searching for.
Yes, I am physically attracted to him, but it is the him deep down inside that I am in love with.
I understand him on a level that I feel like even with K I never had the same connection with.
Despite all his lies and hurtful words and actions, I still see the heart of gold underneath his many disguises.
I understand and believe in him.
I know I am not emotionally capable of being in a relationship right now.
There is so much of myself that I wish to work on and likewise with him.
For now, I need time to figure myself out and give him the space to do the same.
When we are both more emotionally and mentally stable, I hope there is a chance for us to give it a real go.
My masks shall remain on until I figure out and am ready to show the world the real me underneath the mask.
-- 14.3.16 --
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