Enabler

I am the enabler.

It is easy to blame others for taking advantage of you but at the end of the day it is you that enabled them.

I applaud him for his honesty, for having the courage to confront his own mistakes, to trust me enough to be expose his real self to me.

Having someone you care about admit to using you and realising those little moments that mattered to you were but a ploy to get you to do something they want... hurts.

It hurts to feel manipulated, to feel insignificant, to feel... worthless. 

The invisible but oh so real emotional pain...

The optimist side of me want to believe that maybe he is just not used to being taken care of and don't know how to think or react.

I offer to drive because I wish for him to rest a little after being exhausted from a game and enjoy chatting with him on the way. 

To him my gesture some how turned negative and he only messaged me to get something from me...

Can it not be he wanted to talk to me therefore he messaged me?

Can it not be he wish for me to support him at his game and I happily go along?

Can it not be he appreciates me driving him and just enjoy chatting with me along the way?

Was I in denial all that time?

Is trusting someone, being nice to someone and treating someone how you would like to be treated so wrong?

Like him, my happiness comes from those I love and care about being happy.

His company, humour, caring, attention and us "clicking" means more to me than he will ever realise.

Being there to support him makes me happy.

To be able to be a part of his life, how insignificant as it may be, makes me happy.

I do not need fancy gifts, mansions, or be wined and dined.

I just want to share the moment with him.

To experience life together and be there to support one another.

I try and empathize and think from his perspective.

He is used to being the one being taken advantage of and making compromises/sacrifices.

In our "relationship" (can't really think of any other word to use here and I don't mean boyfriend girlfriend relationship because clearly we are not as he has reminded me time and time again..) he feels like he is the one always taking from me and it makes him uncomfortable.

Maybe without realising, he is starting to rely on me, to have me closer than he never ever expected, to have someone care about him as much as I have, to care about me more than he thought possible, it terrifies him...

His natural response to confrontation is to get rid of it, to push it away, to distance himself, to "protect me from him"...

I wish to believe him when he says he does not wish to hurt me or lose me.

It makes his rejection slightly easier to handle, even if the above may be a white lie, be an excuse...

Sadly, I know myself.

I wish to know the truth, even if it is an ugly truth, I want to know...

Like my best friend telling me the truth that knocked the wind out of me and left me curled up like a child, sobbing uncontrollably in my car that night...  

As much as it hurts, I am glad she told me and I know the truth.

I did not realise how much he meant to me and how much I really cared till that night.

The last time I was in such a state was when K told me within 3 months of our break up that he was married and for us to not stay in contact anymore.

It was the gut wrenching pain of betrayal.

He said he is a compulsive liar, that he abuses people's trust in him, that he does not value people's trust, I wish to challenge him on that.

Yes he lies, he lies because he is conflicted and does not know himself enough so he feels the need to mold himself to adapt and fit into the box of how people expect him to be and act.

He does not feel comfortable enough in his own skin to let the real him come through.

Deep down, I still believe he is a caring gentleman.

He is mature but also has desires and playfulness of a teenage boy.

He is not the despicable person he thinks of himself as, but of course just like every single one of us, he has qualities that he can work on.

I just wish for him to be happy.

This year he is finally starting to come out of his shell more, to have more confidence, to speak up, to have more faith and confidence in himself.

He has so much potential, if only he himself realises.

I do not blame him for feeling the way he feels towards what hopefully he has finally let go of.
You cannot help falling in love with someone, be it a crush or more.
I know that feeling all too well.
Like him, the last two years I went through a journey of self discovery.
I am becoming more comfortable in my own skin, who and what I stand for, and who I wish to be.
I understand the conflicted period that he is going through at the moment and know I need to give him space to come to terms with himself.
He cares too much about what others think, I understand more than he realises, I too went through that phase.
I hope his work improves and he has better opportunities lined up in the future where his potential is maximised and he is recognised for all his hard work and dedication.

He can be a good leader, his kind heart and sense of duty to others may also be his downfall, for that I am worried...
To say I have completely let go of him would be a lie.
We both know I clearly haven't.
There are moments when we have relapsed back into old habits, but his logic (stubborn, one sided and very pessimistic) prevailed.

Maybe one day when we are both ready something could happen, but for now, it is what it is, 

I know I have enabled him to treat the way he treats me.
As many have told me, I am too nice.
I need to stop enabling him because that is clearly not what he wants. 
Remember that one important rule to love: "Love someone the way they want to be loved, not how you think they want to be loved".
I shall continue to wear my mask.
There is no point in crying to anyone about the way I feel right now.

I am partially to blame as well. 
I will convince myself to stay strong and I will be okay...

-- 9.3.16 --