Everything - Lifehouse

Everything by Lifehouse

Boyce Avenue cover: 

Find me here, 

And speak to me. 

I want to feel you, 

I need to hear you. 

You are the light, 

That's leading me, 

To the place, 

Where I find peace again. 

You are the strength, 

That keeps me walking. 

You are the hope, 

That keeps me trusting. 

You are the light,

To my soul.

You are my purpose, 

You're everything. 

How can I stand here with you, 

And not be moved by you? 

Would you tell me, 

How could it be, 

Any better than this? 

You calm the storms, 

And you give me rest. 

You hold me in your hands, 

You won't let me fall. 

You steal my heart, 

And you take my breath away. 

Would you take me in, 

Take me deeper now. 

And how can I stand here with you, 

And not be moved by you? 

Would you tell me, 

How could it be, 

Any better than this? 

And how can I stand here with you, 

And not be moved by you? 

Would you tell me, 

How could it be, 

Any better than this? 

Cause you're all I want, 

You're all I need, 

You're everything, everything. 

You're all I want, 

You're all I need, 

You're everything, everything. 

You're all I want, 

You're all I need, 

You're everything, everything. 

You're all I want, 

You're all I need, 

You're everything, everything. 

And how can I stand here with you, 

And not be moved by you? 

Would you tell me, 

How could it be, 

Any better than this? 

And how can I stand here with you, 

And not be moved by you? 

Would you tell me, 

How could it be, 

Any better, any better than this? 

And how can I stand here with you, 

And not be moved by you 

Would you tell me, 

How could it be, 

Any better than this? 

Would you tell me, 

How could it be, 

Any better than this...

-------------------------------------

It's surreal that I will be in your arms after 6 more sleeps.

It seems like there has been so many things that has put a downer on the trip.

Hurricane Harvey hit Houston really hard and I am praying it won't effect us.

The unknown debt that has cropped up, expenses deducted from your pay cheque, fire at the BBQ place I really want to visit... to name a few.

Regardless of what has happened, I know the purpose for this trip is to be with you.

I don't care about the fancy hotels, shopping or extravagance and being spoiled and pampered.

I just want to stare into your beautiful eyes and in that moment know, you are my eternity.

I want to physically confirm the chemistry between us is real and the wait is worth it.

Time is the most precious thing anyone owns.

For you I am willing to wait.

You are my everything.

I love you Hillard.

You are all I want.

~ 03.09.2017 ~

Counting down the days till I'm in your arms.

2 weeks and 4 days till I'm in your arms.
It was such a relief hearing your Commander has approved your leave.
I could not contain my excitement of finally physically be in each other's presence.

These past almost 10 months has been tough.
There were moments of pain, tears and angry words.
But at no point did the thought of giving up ever cross my mind.
My heart tells my mind you are the one I wish to be with for eternity.
You have this unique superpower of making me smile, even when I'm trying hard to hide it.
Being with you has brightened my life from the darkness that I chose to protect myself in before.
There is nothing more I wish for than to spend every waking moment with you and to fall asleep next to you.

Things are finally starting to fall into place.
I have a job lined up - whilst not the easiest job, it came at the perfect time.
I believe the big decision I made to move to Hamilton was the right decision for our future.
I want a future with you.
I want to be with you.
I want you!

18 more days...

<3

~ 21.08.17 ~

Take Me Away - Lifehouse

Take Me Away - Lifehouse

This time what I want is you

There is no one else

Who can take your place

This time you burn me with your eyes

You see past all the lies

You take it all away

I've seen it all

And it's never enough

It keeps leaving me needing you

Take me away

Take me away

I've got nothing left to say

Just take me away

I try to make my way to you

But still I feel so lost

I don't know what else I can do

I've seen it all

And it's never enough

It keeps leaving me needing you

Take me away

Take me away

I've got nothing left to say

Just take me away

Don't give up on me yet

Don't forget who I am

I know I'm not there yet

But don't let

Me stay here alone

This time what I want is you

There is no one else

Who can take your place

I've seen enough and it's never enough

It keeps leaving me needing you

Take me away

Take me away

I've got nothing left to say

Just take me away

Take me away

Take me away

I've got nothing left to say

Just take me away

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Whilst I enjoy the pleasures of the life I currently am living, the distance from him is eating me up.

At the beginning of my relationship I was adamant I wanted H to move to New Zealand.

There was no way that I would be able to leave behind my friends and where I consider my home.

His brother and friend has raised a good point, why don't I move over there? 

I am starting to float the idea of moving over there to be with him.

Maybe I could be happier and live a simple life there too.

I believe he is capable of looking after me.

I still wish to have a career, but as time passes it fails to satisfy and motivate me.

I simply wish to be with the one I love, to cook for him and make him smile.

A part of me wishes he could just pluck me from my current life and just have me by his side, wherever he may be.

Fate allowed us to meet and fall in love in unlikely circumstances.

I will never stop expressing how much you mean to me because I want you to know that you are loved.

You mean the world to me and I envision so much in the future ahead of us.

Be it we have kids or not, most likely a few fur babies, we will be a happy family.

Time is precious and I appreciate every moment spent with you.

Maybe it's the lack of a routine and job to keep my mind distracted.

My day feels bleak without his presence.

I miss the sound of his voice.

I miss seeing his face, even if just for a moment before he sleeps.

When we fall asleep with the call still running, it is almost as if he was next to me in the dark.

His adorable snoring and sounds he makes in his sleep makes me wish I was in his arms.

A little over a month and it will be reality... <3

I miss you while you are away at the field.

I love reading your messages and know you are thinking of me.

My heart aches knowing the physical struggles and sleep deprivation you experience.

It will be much harder when you are deployed and might not have good connection or out at work for long hours...

There is nothing much I can do but to deal with it.

The wait will be all worth it when we can finally be physically in the same country together.

Right now I just look forward to seeing you next month.

I will struggle letting you go when I have to leave, but I will have the memories of our time together to keep me going.

I want to create unforgettable memories with you.

Our lives intertwined and in sync.

If only you could just take me away now...

I need You. 

~ 01.08.17 ~

You don't know my tears...

The good has been great and amazing.

I appreciate being able to speak with you before you sleep, I love seeing you, hearing you, and it's the small part of the day I don't have to share you with anyone else.

But you don't seem to ask about me anymore...
I cry and you don't even know...
I know you've been having rough days at work and stressing so I've kept it all to myself...
I don't want to be a burden to you...
I'm upset but you don't know how to deal with my emotions and just push me away...
Our ways of dealing with issues are so different, I don't know what to do...
He is your best friend, I try so hard to not snap at him, so instead i just shut myself out...
And you don't even notice my absence...
It's always me making the effort to initiate contact...
I just feel taken for granted sometimes...
I'm at a difficult position right now with potentially no job and savings depleting...
I feel so useless and face rejection alone...
I'm just... Lost.
Seeing you in September means so much to me, it's the hope and light that keeps me going.
Yet... I don't feel your excitement...
You seem more excited about games or playing with your friend...
I am just lost in the background...

I've asked you for a date three times now...
Just some proper alone time, just you and me doing something together but nothing comes of it...
Why must I ask for dates?...
Can you ever surprise me with a planned date to make me feel special?...
I've asked for letters or even something small but you always say maybe then forget about it...
I've told you about this blog, but you never check this do you?...
It's part of the forgettable things you don't remember like my favourite colour or the date of our anniversary...

I know you love me, and try to spend time with me, but it just feels... Silent.
I've kind of shut myself up now...
I was so excited about seeing you and wanting to make plans to do things together.
Was.
The fire in me has been doused...
You just seem a lot happier spending time playing with others...
I don't know how to make you happy...
It makes me so sad thinking this way...
Maybe I'm making a mistake...
Maybe I shouldn't visit you...
Maybe you're happier without me...

I wish you were here next to me right now...

~ 23.07.17 ~

The Last

In my first relationship I always looked forward to "The Firsts":

The first date...

The first kiss...

The first time holding hands...

The first time saying "I love you"...

After all that I have been through, I now wish to be "The Last":

The last person you think of every night before falling asleep.

The last person you fall in love with.

The last to fall asleep in your arms.

The last you kiss goodnight.

The last to be your wife. 

The last you ever love.

Will you be my Last?

Can I be your Last?

~ 15.07.17 ~

From The Ground Up by Dan + Shay

From The Ground Up by Dan + Shay

Grandma and grandpa painted a picture of sixty-five years

And one little house

More than a memory

More than saying I do

Kiss you goodnight's and I love you's

Me and you baby, walk in the footsteps

Build our own family

One day at a time

Ten little toes, a painted pink room

Our beautiful baby looks just like you

And we'll build this love from the ground up

Now 'til forever it's all of me, all of you

Just take my hand

And I'll be the man your dad hoped that I'd be

And we'll build this love from the ground up

For worse or for better

And I will be all you need

Beside you I'll stand through the good and the bad

We'll give all that we have

And we'll build this love from the ground up

This life will go by

In the blink of an eye

But I wouldn't wanna spend it without you by my side

The cloud are gonna roll

The earth's gonna shake

But I'll be your shelter through the wind and the rain

And we'll build this love from the ground up

Now 'til forever it's all of me, all of you

Just take my hand

And I'll be the man your dad hoped that I'd be

And we'll build this love from the ground up

For worse or for better

And I will be all you need

Beside you I'll stand through the good and the bad

We'll give all that we have

And we'll build this love from the ground up

Someday we'll wake up

With thousands of pictures

Sixty-five years in this little house

I won't trade for nothing, the life that we built

I'll kiss you goodnight and say I love you still

And we'll build this love from the ground up

For worse or for better

And I will be all you need

Beside you I'll stand through the good and the bad

We'll give all that we have

And we'll build this love from the ground up

From the ground up

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is so daunting thinking about the year and a half of long distance ahead of us.

You said the time would pass like a blink of an eye for you but you are worried how I will handle the distance. 

Just thinking about you being so far away makes me anxious and miss you.

I don't know what will happen in the next year and a half, but I do hope at the end of it we can be happily together.

Our relationship has not been the easiest nor the most conventional of relationships.

There is little precedence set before us and in this ever changing world, we can only do our best to prepare for the worst. 

Even though you claim your imminent deployment is "so safe that you don't even get hazard pay", I can't help but still worry about you.

I love you and wish for you to be safe, well and happy.

We have made plans to meet in August which has turned to mush with a single declinature that we have no control over.

I was so upset by it, but it is what it is and I hope and pray that September becomes reality and we can finally be together.

Many may think I'm crazy for diving head in into our relationship.

They warn me of the heartache that follows investing too much into someone with a murky future.

However...

I choose to believe and chase the light I foresee in our future. 

I choose to dare to hope and dream of our happily ever after.

I choose to believe in your words and promises.

I choose to wait whilst time ticks away. 

I choose You as my future.

I choose Us. 

I want us to build our relationship from the ground up.

I want us to be there for one another for the good and the bad.

I want us to live together and create our happily ever after together.

I want us to make each other happy and content. 

I want us to be together for eternity.

I want us to be together.

You & Me

∞

~ 12.07.17 ~

You & Me

This post is just about us.

Things I wish for us to do together:
- Running towards you in the airport and giving you the biggest hug and not caring about anyone nor anything else
- First night physically together and falling asleep in each other's arms
- First kiss.... mwa~
- Fall asleep while watching a movie and snuggling next to you
- You falling asleep and leaning on me - you feel safe and relaxed next to me <3
- Going to an amusement park together
- Picnic eating home packed lunch
- Making a table spread of your favourite food and you loving every dish
- Waking up to your famous breakfast burritos
- Staring into each other's eyes and telling the other person how much you love them
- The day you make me yours and yours only
- Gaming next to each other and me falling asleep on your lap
- In bed with me lying on top of you, listening to the sound of your heartbeat, our breathing in sync, just You and Me.

Movies to watch together
- Avator
- Studio Ghibli movies
- Koe no Katachi
- Kimi no Na Wa

Games to play together
- FFIX
- Legend of the Dragon
- Persona

Promise: Honeymoon in Japan~~
- Play at the arcade
- Eat yakiniku
- Eat ramen

Things we have done together:
- Fallen asleep next to each other while on video chat - I love opening my eyes and seeing you there.
- Watched movies together
    - Doctor Strange
    - First movie was.... TBC
    - BLAME! 24.07.2017
- Game together - FFXIV was where we met after all
- Had our first argument - was silly and can't even remember what it was about
- Cried in front of one another
- Said "I love you"
- Decided on honeymoon in JAPAN! <3
- Things.... :P

Good Enough - Evanescence

Good Enough - Evanescence

Under your spell again

I can't say no to you

Crave my heart and it's bleeding in your hand

I can't say no to you

Shouldn't let you torture me so sweetly

Now I can't let go of this dream

I can't breathe but I feel

Good enough

I feel good enough for you

Drink up sweet decadence

I can't say no to you

And I've completely lost myself and I don't mind

I can't say no to you

Shouldn't let you conquer me completely

Now I can't let go of this dream

Can't believe that I feel

Good enough

I feel good enough

It's been such a long time coming

But I feel good

And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall

Pour real life down on me

'Cause I can't hold on to anything

This good enough

Am I good enough

For you to love me too?

So take care what you ask of me

'Cause I can't say no

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's coming up to our 8 months anniversary soon.

I have been warned and told not to fall right from the get go by those who care and worry about me.

We both know it's too late for that now as I fell for you long ago, early into our relationship.

My love for you has grown so much especially this past month where I have gone through a lot of change in my life.

You have been here for me, despite the distance, despite the difference in opinion.

Some negative things has happened to you and I hope I have been there for you the way you needed me to.

You have given me more of you, your time, and little bit by bit into your life and who you are as a person.

I am so thankful to have you in my life and the open communication we both work hard to maintain.

We have our fights, some silly, some just sudden spur of emotions mostly on my part but our relationship becomes stronger after every fight.

Words cannot express my appreciation of having such a wonderful man like you in my life.

Sometimes I wonder, how am I this lucky to come across you and have you in my life?

I am flawed, I am emotional, I am insecure, I am impulsive, I am different.

I often wonder what is it about me that you really love?

What makes me different from the rest that makes you want to love me?

Am I good enough for you to want to be with for the rest of your life?

I love your honesty, your strong unshakable opinions and beliefs.

Though we do hold strong opposing views but we respect each others' opinions and can agree to disagree.

"You do you, I am not here to decide for you but to support you in your decisions."

That was one of the sweetest and most touching thing you said to me.

We do not wish to change one another for our own "preferences", we love each other just the way we are.

Just like the lyrics I have completely lost myself and I can't say no to you.

I can't let go of this dream to be with you and I can't believe that I feel this way.

The cynic is still in the back of my mind, dreading the worst, but I'm not letting it get in the way of me loving you. 

The "baggage" people perceive on the surface are not what will stop me from loving you.

At times I am scared, scared of losing you, so scared of saying goodbye for good and you missing from my life.

In those moments I remind myself to stop living in fear.

I need to make the most of how ever much precious time I get with you.

You telling me the probability of you ending your own life upsets me to my core.

I cannot begin imagine the nightmares that haunt your dreams and mind.

I hope to fill your life with happiness that it overshadows the pain you endured.

I understand your viewpoint and am trying to accept this choice to life/death that is yours.

I will endeavour to do everything within my powers to make your life worth living.

There is so much I look forward to in the future I envision with you.

Less than two months till you can hold me and make me yours.

For now, I look forward to simply falling asleep in your arms.

Our breathing and heartbeat slowed and in sync.

To feel the heat of your body next to mine.

Our limbs entwined.

Just You and Me.

Maybe one day you will dream again.

Dream of our life in the years ahead.

The countdown begins...

~ 15.06.2017 ~

I choose You!

I have had a bit of dilemma lately trying to figure out what to do.
Logic dictates I should go with the "easier and closer to home choice" but my heart fiercely clung onto that familiar yet extremely complicated bundle of... Hun.

I know my friends are uncomfortable with the decision I made to go see him...
For a girl flying to the other side of the world to meet a guy I've only meet and known over the Internet for a few months, anything can happen.
Both them and myself would be a lot more comfortable if he came here first but it's not really happening as that boat has sailed long ago and I don't want to open that can of worms right now...

Maybe he could end up hurting me, but what if it could all work out and I actually get my happily ever after?

I choose to believe in my gut, to believe in that initial spark and unexplainable attraction, no, infatuation we felt.

I don't know him at all yet I felt so comfortable opening up to him and trusting him.

The initial staying up till 3am every night to just chat and spend time in each other's presence.

He was always the responsible one, reminding me of reality but also whisking me away to this happy place whenever we got to spend time together.

Neither one of us are perfect, we have our differences, expectations and perspective, we may disagree on a lot of things but we can agree to disagree.

Dear Hun, 

6 months has flew by so quickly, less than a year to go till you relocate here.

I am hoping, and praying despite my friend's concerns that I do get to see you in August. 

August will seal our fate, whether we are compatible in person too or not.

All this chemistry that has been mixing between us, how will it react? 

You have tried hard to be there for me and to make an effort.

I may not articulate or express my appreciation of  everything you do for me, but I do notice and remember.

Firstly, thank you for getting the phone so that we could message during the day, so that if you had to deploy (praying no...) you could let me know, also you could use the phone here in New Zealand too.

You are introverted and don't need a cellphone to keep in touch with people, but you did it for me.

I missed you so terribly while you were in training, it just felt so... sad and like a void was there when I couldn't reach out to you.

I missed you so much, I wouldn't have guessed or thought that I could miss you that much while you were gone.
I stopped caring about the phone bill and just needed to talk and message you. 

Secondly, thank you for getting the new car.
Yes, you do need the car for work, but if you weren't saving up to pay off debt or to come here, you could have gotten a much better car to get around in.
Instead you picked a slightly cheaper car which I really hope is SAFE because that is the number one priority!!
It would also make visiting you and seeing your family a lot more convenient too.
And who knows, maybe we can tick something off my/our list *wink* 

Thirdly - and most importantly! Thank you for making time for me. 

I know you do try and I appreciate the times when you drop everything to just spend time with me alone be it playing games or just talking.

You find sitting around talking and not doing anything else to be unproductive and somewhat a waste of time, but those moments when I get you 100% full attention and you actually responding and being part of the conversation (*cough cough* way too easily distracted) are my favourite moments. 

While it is fun playing and chatting with your friends and brother, I am also greedy and want your undivided attention. 

It's nice talking to you before you sleep, but not as much when you are so exhausted after gaming with the boys for hours and just wanting to sleep and not talk to me...

The quality of the conversation drops and my heart aches seeing you so tired I just want you to rest...

I love it so much when we fall asleep next to each other over the phone - sorry phone, probably really bad for you / your battery >.<;;

I love opening my eyes and seeing you there on the screen, almost as if you were next to me...

The distance really gets to me sometimes and I just want to bury myself in your arms and cry...

It is funny how someone who was a stranger a year ago has now become my favourite person. 

The thought of war and deployment terrifies me but it is part of your current life so I have come to learn to deal with the anxiety.

In case if I haven't made it clear enough...

I don't want to imagine my life or future without you.

I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

I CHOOSE YOU HILLARD.

~ 16.05.2017 ~

What I wish to say to you...

Hun you say your time is precious, mine is too..
You say we get our dates and we get to talk but by the time you get to me you're so tired and can't give it your all..
I dont want you to be exhausted so I just end the date short..
I've been waiting for you all this time..
It seems like I'm constantly waiting in this relationship..

Maybe 6 months doesnt mean much to you but it means a lot to me..
I want to celebrate us being together, us defeating the odds and it was suppose to be our date day but when you asked if you could play games with the guys I knew your heart and mind was elsewhere.
I reminded you so many times, hinted and blatantly told you it was our 6 months but you didnt seem to care..
You just say 6 months is nothing in comparison to the years we will spend together...
Hun, if we dont build the foundation of our relationship now, how do you expect us to be together in the future?..

You do and am willing to drop everything for me, but it's only at the point when Im upset...
When I was upset, instead of focusing on me and what was upsetting me you become frustrated.
You dont understand the way I think and feel, but instead of asking me whats wrong you try to "deal with the issue" in your way..
Whilst I appreciate you wanting to do something to make me feel better, the first step would probably be listen and try to understand instead of jumping to conclusions..
Try understand from my perspective instead of applying your logic to my perspective and circumstance.

I understand we have our differences, theres no right or wrong answers per se, but gah sometimes I really don't know how to express myself.
I have past experiences that haunt me and an inherent fear you'll leave me, it's like the way you felt when we first got together..
You have given me reassurances, but in those moments the pessimist inside reigns, my confidence plummets and I withdraw into my bubble of doubt.

You do make me so so so happy some times, and also break my heart without realising...
Is this what love is all about - the emotional rollercoaster ride of highs and lows, twists and turns?
Will you be the one to come around and see things from my perspective?
Will I be the one to change and adapt to your ways?
Which direction and ending is our journey heading towards?
Only time will tell.

Though I have been given temptation, I place my bet on you.
My heart, time and youth as the wager.
I hope to win our happily ever after.
Let's hope and pray the odds are in our favour.

I love you Hillard.
Please be my happily ever after....

~ 30.04.17 ~

I Was Made For Loving You - Tori Kelly feat. Ed Sheeran

I Was Made For Loving You by Tori Kelly feat. Ed Sheeran

A dangerous plan, just this time

A stranger's hand clutched in mine

I'll take this chance, so call me blind

I've been waiting all my life

Please don't scar this young heart

Just take my hand

I was made for loving you

Even though we may be hopeless hearts just passing through

Every bone screaming I don't know what we should do

All I know is, darling, I was made for loving you

Hold me close through the night

Don't let me go, we'll be alright

Touch my soul and hold it tight

I've been waiting all my life

I won't scar your young heart

Just take my hand

Cause I was made for loving you

Even though we may be hopeless hearts just passing through

Every bone screaming I don't know what we should do

All I know is, darling, I was made for loving you

Please don't go, I've been waiting so long

Oh, you don't even know me at all

But I was made for loving you

I was made for loving you

Even though we may be hopeless hearts just passing through

Every bone screaming I don't know what we should do

All I know is, darling, I was made for loving you

---------------------------

I hate this distance, the time wasted, the missing physical intimacy...

I just wish to close the distance and be in your arms.

I don't know what got into me, I was anxious and emotional and I just... *KABOOOM*

I do see things from your perspective and can understand your frustration...

Thank you for holding it together and having a proper discussion.

I did not expect you to say the things you did...

You are not the lovey dovey type, nor the sweet talking charmer.

The ferocity of your love and what I meant to you took me by surprise.

Despite all your teasing, you would drop everything for me and only me.
I am your priority and you are willing to move to the other side of the world for us.
My insecurities and doubts vanished.

Taking a chance on someone whom you have never met before is a gamble.
We are both gambling our hearts, time and life
Our attraction and chance encounter defies logic.
It came as a surprise to us both.
All I know is I was made for loving you.
My experiences before made me appreciate what I have.
I realise love is not about change but acceptance.
The "negative flaws" in other eyes are what makes you special in mine.
I love you for who you are.
You love me for who I am.

There are some really frustrating moments.
But my God, you make me so happy.
I hope I make you happy too.

I love you Hillard

<3

~ 16.04.17 ~

Naivety and ignorance with war - Please be okay..

My Dearest Hun is in the American military.
There is a possibility of him being deployed to Syria given the unrest and recent missile strike.
Being so far away from middle east and areas where lives are constantly being lost, I have been ignorant and naive.
I am aware of what is highlighted in the media but have been blissfully ignorant as New Zealand is far from the fighting.
The possibility of H being deployed and being in harms way terrifies me...
I wish the world doesn't operate in a way that innocent lives are sacrificed for the greed and gain of the minority.
I try to hold it together in front of him but I'm so scared of losing him.
When he half joked half seriously said to his brother to let me know if something does happen to him, the reality hit.
I hate my powerlessness and meaningless life here.
This "sanctuary" I'm in is also a cage.
A cage that stops me from being with the man I love.
While I'm here helping some rich undeserving greedy people get richer, my Love is training for a potential chemical weapon war that he has little protection against.
I do not wish to lose him and our future together.
There is so much I wish for us to experience together, even just standing physically there, face to face and embracing for the first time, something many of us take for granted.
I want to be with him.
I love him.

This distance both physical and time is so hard on me.
I don't need to be rich, just content and satisfied.
I want him here and safe, building a future together.
I want a simple happy life with H.

Please God if you are out there, keep him safe.
Keep my H safe and out of harms way.
Stop the on going conflict and suffering around the world.
Don't let the innocent spill their blood whilst the true aggressors play with the lives they are entrusted with.

Please keep him safe.
Please let us unite.
Please.

Funeral

I think I am starting to accept my death.
When I was in my teens and all through out adulthood, the thought of death has always terrified me.




Funeral background music:
- Aerith's Theme - Piano https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVvRJN2jwC0
- Kodaline - All I want

Remedy - Adele [25]

Remedy by Adele

I remember all of the things that I thought I wanted to be

So desperate to find a way out of my world and finally breathe

Right before my eyes I saw, my heart it came to life

This ain't easy it's not meant to be

Every story has its scars

When the pain cuts you deep

When the night keeps you from sleeping

Just look and you will see

That I will be your remedy

When the world seems so cruel

And your heart makes you feel like a fool

I promise you will see

That I will be, I will be your remedy

No river is too wide or too deep for me to swim to you

Come whenever I'll be the shelter that won't let the rain come through

Your love, it is my truth

And I will always love you

Love you

When the pain cuts you deep

When the night keeps you from sleeping

Just look and you will see

I will be, I will be

When the world seems so cruel

And your heart makes you feel like a fool

I promise you will see

That I will be, I will be, I will be

Your remedy, oh

------------------------------------------------

So... I took the plunge and booked the plane ticket! 

Eeeeek!

Had an emotional roller coaster of a week almost a fortnight ago.

I hope we are now on the same page.

It was excruciatingly hard hearing him utter words that broke my heart.

Maybe it was exhaustion from work, maybe it was hormonal emotions, maybe it was just him putting her before me...

As hard as I tried, I couldn't stop myself from crying.

It was the first time I cried in front of him whilst video chatting.

I saw the exhaustion on his face, his eyelids struggling to stay open, so I muffled my cries and bid him goodnight.

That night I poured my heart out to him, long messages baring my soul.

His response was, in hindsight, his typical response not rushing to make a decision or commit to a promise he can't keep.

Oh, I was so hurt and barely kept up the pretense I was fine at work.

I am sorry for putting you in that position but what you were doing was not fair to two woman.

Hun, I need you to pick me, no matter what, no matter when...

You cannot be there for both her and I.

I cannot stand by you if you are putting her before me.

Right now it will be hard for you, your perspective will change and I hope you will come around.

As much as I feel for her circumstances, I will not forsake our future and happiness above hers.

To me she will become you past and a part of your life I wish to have no part in.

I am giving you all of me, and I wish the same back from you.

My friend said I am independent and low maintenance, however I am extremely emotionally needy.

I agree with him.

My friend raised the point: "To him you are good to have, but nothing really lost for him if you aren't there as well."

As much as I wish to disagree with him, there is truth behind his words for you have expressed similarly so in the past.

I know you have been burnt and so am skeptical and prepared for the worst.

However, I was so surprised to learn you cried the day after I messaged you.

You are not someone who easily shed a tear and have not done so in many years.

I do not know how much of it was caused by the pain of the possibility of us separating...

I wish from the bottom of my heart that we never get to say goodbye for good... Ever...

It was a tough decision for you but a must.

A clear distinction need to be made between the past, present and future.

I am your present and hope to be your future.

The moment you said you choose me I physically felt a sense of relief.

There was a part of me that doubted whether you would or not...

Your actions and decisions just made me feel like I was not a priority in your life...

Have to remind myself that you are not used to thinking in "we" and just dealing with issues on your own, it's not me, it's you and will take time to adjust.

You have been stressed with work and the uncertainties that lie ahead.

Hope there was something I could do to help.

You deal with things differently and I respect that.

A part of me still wish that you'd open up and talk to me...

Let me in...

I am here for you Hun.

I will be your remedy.

~ 12.03.17 ~

When you are with someone, BE there with them 100% instead of fucking them around and wasting their time.

Practice what you preach.
I can't be fucked arguing.

All I have to say.

~ 6.3.17 ~

Million Reason

Million Reason - Lady Gaga

You're giving me a million reasons to let you go

You're giving me a million reasons to quit the show

You're givin' me a million reasons

Give me a million reasons

Givin' me a million reasons

About a million reasons

If I had a highway, I would run for the hills

If you could find a dry way, I'd forever be still

But you're giving me a million reasons

Give me a million reasons

Givin' me a million reasons

About a million reasons

I bow down to pray

I try to make the worst seem better

Lord, show me the way

To cut through all his worn out leather

I've got a hundred million reasons to walk away

But baby, I just need one good one to stay

Head stuck in a cycle, I look off and I stare

It's like that I've stopped breathing, but completely aware

'Cause you're giving me a million reasons

Give me a million reasons

Givin' me a million reasons

About a million reasons

And if you say something that you might even mean

It's hard to even fathom which parts I should believe

'Cause you're giving me a million reasons

Give me a million reasons

Givin' me a million reasons

About a million reasons

I bow down to pray

I try to make the worst seem better

Lord, show me the way

To cut through all his worn out leather

I've got a hundred million reasons to walk away

But baby, I just need one good one to stay

Baby I'm bleedin', bleedin'

Stay

Can't you give me what I'm needin', needin'

Every heartbreak makes it hard to keep the faith

But baby, I just need one good one

Good one, good one, good one, good one, good one

When I bow down to pray

I try to make the worst seem better

Lord, show me the way

To cut through all his worn out leather

I've got a hundred million reasons to walk away

But baby, I just need one good one, good one

Tell me that you'll be the good one, good one

Baby, I just need one good one to stay

--------------------------

I'm crying.

I don't know why I suddenly feel this way.

It's as if....

As if... I need convincing to stay...

As if... He doesn't need me in his life anymore...

As if... He could be with or without me in his life...

I am just listening to the song and crying.

The tears keep flowing.

I need him.

Simple things like having his number.

I've asked so many times now.

He doesn't feel the need to give it to me.

I am kept out of his life.

Away...

Maybe the others are right...

He is hiding things from me...

Maybe he lied about going through divorce...

Maybe I am the bit on the side...

The bit he could be without...

The bit that can be tossed aside.

I don't know anymore...

I don't know...

I just feel...

This pain in my chest.

This ever increasing insecurity.

This doubt in my mind that causes so much pain.

Little does he know.

Little does he know...

~ 22.2.17 ~

Nothing Compares 2 U - Sinead O'Connor (original by Prince)

Nothing Compares 2 U - Sinead O'Connor (original by Prince)

It's been so lonely without you here

Like a bird without a song

Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling

Tell me baby where did I go wrong

I could put my arms around every boy I see

But they'd only remind me of you

I went to the doctor guess what he told me

Guess what he told me

He said girl you better try to have fun no matter what you do

But he's a fool

'Cause nothing compares, nothing compares to you

-------------------------------------------------

I know I shouldn't compare, but I can't help it.

I miss the guy that would drop everything for me.

I miss the guy who would prioritise me and put me above all else.

I miss the guy who made me feel loved without me asking or hinting him to.

He may not verbally be the most romantic or affectionate, but I knew he loves me.

He did not need to utter empty words or promises, his actions spoke louder than words.

He sometimes knew me better than I know myself.

I felt safe and secure in that relationship.

It's the little things that matter.

I am suppose to be happy in a relationship.

But, I'm not.

I'm, sad.

I don't want to continuously bring up the same things like a broken record player.

I can't help but compare you to what I used to have.

I'm not even frustrated anymore.

The minimal contact.

Awkward silences.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I don't know what to say anymore.

I don't know what I want anymore.

Guess I'll just get lost in work.

Forget about my loneliness.

Forget about my feelings.

Forget about my needs.

Forget about you...

Forget about us...

I feel so...

Alone.

~ 22.02.17 ~

Something

Sometimes when you get so involved with something and you give it your all, you just suddenly become so exhausted.

In the moment you just forget everything else around you, but as soon as you let go and allow yourself to feel, you become overwhelmed.

A friend experienced that in game, and maybe because I play the same role, I understand his frustration and stress.

I hope he bounces back from this phase and the others start really appreciating everything he does.

Deep down he is a genuinely nice guy and a core part of the group.

Maybe it was the mood I was in today as well, I felt like I really needed his time, attention and affection but I never got it.

I hinted, no, blatantly told him I've had a rough day and to be honest the only reason I stayed up was for him.

Waiting... 

Second priority...

Taken for granted...

The negativity rubbing off on me.

He didn't realise I was physically in pain and went to see someone about it on my break...

He didn't know I'm currently really stressed and exhausted at work...

He didn't know I was balling my eyes out earlier just at sad videos but also more because i needed to let it out...

He doesn't know because I didn't know how to bring it up and didn't want to face the disappointment of his answers.
He doesn't know because he doesn't ask...

Who knew disappointment could physically hurt.

When you're feeling stressed, there's nothing your partner can do about the situation.

What you really need is for him to be there for you.

Just listening and being empathetic, show you they care, or even just talk about something else as distraction.

Your company to make me feel less alone...

For him, he's not used to the emotional side of relationships - that's the excuse I use to cover up every time...

Doesn't really make me feel that much better sadly...

I try so hard to stay bubbly and positive in front of others, starting to feel like I need to be that way with him too...

I'm so exhausted...

I need... 

Something.

~ 20.02.17 ~

What am I to you?

I just want to feel like I matter to you.

While I'm crying you're happily playing with others.

Why do I bother staying up late helping when you don't seem to care about me?
I fucking hate feeling like I don't mean shit to you.

Why bother having a LS together when you won't even talk to me?
Why do I even bother or hope for anything?

You'd much rather spend time with others than me.

I fucking get it now.
Don't deal with me.

I'm trying so hard with the distance and time difference.
You don't even fucking know.
I'm tired, I rush home just so we can get some time together yet it's always shared with others.
Forget dates, forget proper just you and me time.
Watching movie together, getting married in game, doing roulettes together, saying you'll message me goodnight daily, us doing things together...
All but empty promises.

It's always me behind everyone else.
I'm not your priority clearly.

I hate my tears.
I hate this feeling in my chest.
I hate the way I fucking feel right now.
I hate that you don't even know nor care to ask.
I hate myself right now.

What is the point of being in a relationship if you don't interact?
What is the point of me being your girlfriend when I come second best behind your raid, your friends, your games?
What is the fucking point of the pain I'm feeling right now?
You don't care and can't be fucked dealing with me.
You don't care about me...

~ 11.02.17 ~

Save Me From Myself - Christina Aguilera

Save Me From Myself by Christina Aguilera

It's not so easy loving me

It gets so complicated

All the things you've gotta be

Everything's changin'

But you're the truth

I'm amazed by all your patience

Everything I put you through

When I'm about to fall

Somehow you're always waitin'

With your open arms to catch me

You're gonna save me from myself

From myself, yes

You're gonna save me from myself

My love is tainted by your touch

'Cause some guys have shown me aces

But you've got that royal flush

I know it's crazy everyday

Well, tomorrow may be shaky

But you never turn away

Don't ask me why I'm cryin'

'Cause when I start to crumble

You know how to keep me smilin'

You always save me from myself

From myself, myself

You're gonna save me from myself

I know it's hard, it's hard

But you've broken all my walls

You've been my strength, so strong

And don't ask me why I love you

It's obvious your tenderness

Is what I need to make me

A better woman to myself

To myself, myself

You're gonna save me from myself

-----------------------------

This song has a special place in my heart since the first time I heard it.

Christina Aguilera has always been my favourite singer from when I was young.

The first CD I owned was Christina Aguilera's self titled album followed by Linkin Park's Meteora.

Both CDs currently sit in my car as my go to CDs along with Coldplay.

When my insecurities get out of control I become a crazy person.

I need a partner that not only allows me to trust him but also make me feel safe.

I need someone who understands me completely. 

He needs to recognise when I revert to my insecure mind and he needs to drag me out of that rut.

I need someone who is patient and can see my logic and reasons, and knows how to communicate with me.

I am not unreasonable, I listen to my partner and generally do sway in my opinion but he too needs to listen and compromise.

I am so fortunate to be with someone who has not ran away from the "serious talks" we've had so far.

From the bottom of my heart I really do hope H is the one I promise "till death do us part".

When I decide to go into a relationship, I go in with the mindset that it will be my last.

Be it one month, three months or years, I will do what I can to make the relationship work.

With H I was unprepared.

I never expect myself at this age to fall for someone I never meet in person before.

I never expect myself to be in a long distance relationship, let alone with someone in the military.

His life is so different and far away from mine...

It makes me nervous and insecure when I am faced with uncertainties and cannot picture what it is like in his life.

I missed the stability to his routine when he was back in Japan.

He had a role which he excelled in, despite the annoyance of bureaucracies and idiotic coworkers/supervisors.

I am forever counting down the months till we can begin a real physical relationship of being in each other's life on a daily basis.

I really wish to feel his arms wrapped around me, to be lost in the moment and in one another's presence.

I will be such an emotional mess when I first see and hug him.

Right now I have to settle with just having what ever little contact he has chosen to give me.

I do not wish to be needy or demanding, I understand he has his priorities.

Unfortunately for me, I am not at the top of the priority list right now.

The plans I envisioned of meeting up this year may not come true, it is dictated by someone else.

I try to not let the prospect of "deployment" bring me down and try look at the positives.

No need to worry about what I have no control over, right?

My God, it is hard.

He has insecurities and his demons and skeletons in the closet.

He has already opened up about the "big things" but there is still so much I wish to know.

Time and patience, I need to keep reminding myself.

I have my own issues and he has been very understanding and unfazed by what I have told him so far.

Sometimes I do wonder is he even listening? Does he even care about me?...

I make excuses and pretend it is universal and not just with me. .

I do wish he would be more interested...

I do not like sorrys.

Maybe he genuinely forgot.

Just have to remind myself to not dwell on the disappointment and not take it personally.

Gah...

It is late and I am tired...

Shall finish this tomorrow... 

Maybe...

~30.01.17 ~